Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls

CHAPTER 16

ONCE HE’D PICKED HIMSELF UP and carefully dusted himself off, Lt. Tindall deigned to thank Elizabeth’s sisters. But there was an icy edge to his tone, Elizabeth thought, especially when compared to Capt. Cannon’s warm compliments on the girls’ courage and prowess. Lydia and Kitty seemed not to notice the younger man’s frostiness, however. In fact, they barely glanced at the captain, as the lieutenant’s fair-haired, square-jawed comeliness proved so mesmerizing it trumped even the sight of an armless, legless man riding in a wheelbarrow.

The headless, lifeless man lying in the road they ignored, too, though it was easier to see the effort that required. As soon as they could, both girls put their backs to the body, and when Lt. Tindall trundled his commander away so that they might “regroup the column,” their inevitable titters sounded, at first, forced and joyless.

“Ooh, he looks good in red,” Lydia said.

“He’d look good in anything,” said Kitty.

“Wherever did you find him, Lizzy?”

“Yes, Lizzy—where have you been?”

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

“Even Master Hawksworth was worried.”

“‘Even’?”

“You’re right. Especially him!”

“Oh, I almost kissed the deer!”

“Me, too!”

“Jane came the closest, of course.”

“Mary was nowhere near it.”

“It’s a shame, really. For what other kisses can the poor girl look forward to?”

“I can guess which ones she wishes were—”

“Come,” Elizabeth cut in, setting off down the road. If someone didn’t interrupt her sisters, they’d still be standing there chattering come nightfall. “There are soldiers scattered throughout these woods like so many acorns. Let us help gather them up.”

It took but a few minutes of searching to bring everyone together again. The soldiers that didn’t come creeping sheepishly out from behind trees and rocks were herded up the road by Lt. Tindall and Capt. Cannon. While they collected their discarded muskets and cleared the zombie carcass from the road, Lydia and Kitty stood to the side, attempting to engage the lieutenant in idle conversation. (Lydia: “What a shame your darling hat was eaten. We can recommend a haberdasher in town, if you like.” Kitty: “He does all our bonnets!”) Through it all, however, Lt. Tindall remained as stiff as a tin soldier, and once the party was moving on to Longbourn again, he ignored the girls altogether.

Unfazed, they simply went back to peppering their sister with questions about where she’d been and what she’d been doing. They found Dr. Keckilpenny particularly fascinating, of course—especially when they learned (after much wheedling) that he was young and rather handsome, in his gangly, gawky way.

“I wonder what Master Hawksworth would make of that,” said Lydia.

“He’d probably do a Panther’s Pounce right on this doctor fellow’s head!” Kitty laughed.

“Ooooo! Let us see!”

Lydia grabbed Kitty by the arm and practically dragged her toward the forest, where Master Hawksworth and the others were still searching for Elizabeth.

“Surely that can wait until we reach Longbourn,” Elizabeth said. “We still need to show the captain and his men the way to the house.”

“One can do that as easily as three!” Lydia called back over her shoulder.

“But there might be more dreadfuls about!”

“Oh, I don’t think so. And anyway, we’ve still got our swords!”

And Lydia tugged her rather alarmed-looking sister into the shadowy murk of the woods.

“I hope you will excuse my sisters’ impetuousness,” Elizabeth said to Capt. Cannon and Lt. Tindall. “They are so young. . . .”

“Yes. Quite,” the lieutenant sniffed, clearly wondering—if not asking—about the kind of young lady who could run around the countryside alternately gossiping and decapitating the living dead.

The captain, for his part, blew out a snort not unlike the whinnying of a horse. “There is nothing to excuse, Miss Bennet. I can but wish my own troops had half your sisters’ boldness!”

To a man, the foot soldiers cringed and drooped their shoulders, and as Elizabeth led them up the lane, they marched with such shambling, shuffling steps they seemed no livelier than a platoon of dreadfuls.

When they at last reached Longbourn, they found Mrs. Bennet wearing a groove into the lawn with her pacing, weeping and wailing as Mrs. Hill toddled along behind to keep her supplied with fresh hankies.

“Oh, I knew this day would come! Off they trot into the wilds without a care in the world what should happen to their poor mother, and now the unmentionables shall have their luncheon! Oh, my sweet girls! My sweet, tender, juicy girls! How could Mr. Bennet—Lizzy!”

Mrs. Bennet raced to her daughter and threw her arms around her.

“Oh, Lizzy! At least you are still alive! Oh, my dearest, my beloved, my—”

She pushed Elizabeth aside and stepped toward Capt. Cannon with wide, moist eyes.

“Cuthbert?” she whimpered.

“Prudence?” he replied.

“Oh, Cuthbert! It is you! After all these years!”

“Limbs! Embrace the lady!”

The captain’s attendants put down the wheelbarrow and stepped forward with obvious reluctance.

“Limbs! Halt!” Capt. Cannon choked out. “Pru, if I’d . . . The Troubles . . . I didn’t think you’d . . .” He cleared his throat and straightened his back and started over again, as if addressing the woman before him for the first time. “You are the lady of the house?”

“I am,” Mrs. Bennet said softly, eyes downcast, and for a moment, Elizabeth thought her mother actually looked diffident.

A very brief moment.

“I have come to see Mr. Bennet on a matter of great importance,” Capt. Cannon said.

Mrs. Bennet reached back so Mrs. Hill could slap a dry handkerchief into her hand.

“He has abandoned me!” Mrs. Bennet cried, pressing the linen to her quivering lips. “Left me here all alone while he gallivants about the ghoul-plagued woodlands searching for our wayward daughter!”

“Mamma! I am not ‘wayward’! It’s just that—”

“OH, CUTHBERT! IT IS YOU! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!”

Elizabeth clamped her lips together. The tale she had to tell—particularly injuring herself trying to kiss a deer and being set upon by dreadfuls not once but twice—would soothe her mother not a jot.

She opened her mouth again when she’d settled on the best possible distraction.

“Let us discuss all that later. Lydia and Kitty should be back shortly with Papa and the others. Until they return, we have guests to entertain, do we not?”

Mrs. Bennet shifted her gaze to Capt. Cannon and shoved her hankie back at Mrs. Hill, her tears instantly dried.

“So we do,” she said. “For surely these fine officers would consent to keep us company until they can see to their business with Mr. Bennet?”

“It would be an honor,” Capt. Cannon said. “Isn’t that right, Lieutenant?”

Lt. Tindall had been watching the various reunions—Elizabeth and Mrs. Bennet, “Cuthbert” and “Prudence,” Mrs. Hill and the handkerchief—with something exceedingly close to a sneer. He answered the captain with a noncommittal noise halfway between a “Yes” and a growl.

“Right Limb!” Capt. Cannon barked. “Escort Mrs. Bennet inside!”

One of the soldiers marched up to the lady and offered her a crooked arm, which she accepted with a smile not for him but for the captain.

“Left Limb! Return to post and follow! Drawing room, ho!”

As Capt. Cannon’s wheelbarrow squeaked off toward the house, the lieutenant followed with all the enthusiasm of a puppy being dragged along on a leash. So out of sorts was he that he forgot to offer Elizabeth his own, very real arm. Or at least Elizabeth chose to believe he’d merely forgotten.

She herself was far more anxious to get inside. Not that entertaining guests with her mother was something she usually looked forward to. But when the caller was Cuthbert Cannon and the hostess his “Pru”—now that could prove interesting indeed.