Pornucopia

Chapter Thirty

Tantamount was as lovely as ever. "Why hello, Prior," she exclaimed, as though pleased. "I haven't seen you in months!"

Prior stepped confidently in the door, grasped her by a slender wrist, and drew her into her own living room. There was a considerable bulge at his crotch. "I have what you've always wanted, you charming specialist," he said, patting his too-evident genital region. "I'll give it to you in exchange for my natural penis—dear old faithful 3.97 erect."

She adjusted her hairnet halter with a lift of her classic chin. "But there's nothing I want more than the advancement of science, medicine, and human achievement," she said piously. "Human enlightenment is more important than any other mission. The member you so kindly donated is my essential key to all of these. Once I have collected enough of its unique secretion—"

Prior brought her to the couch and stood her there, his fly seeming ready to burst open. He reached under her skirt to check her posterior equipment. It remained in order: firm, lush buttocks undefended by anything so gross as panties. He sat down and opened his bulging fly at last, revealing the tip of something massive and absolutely rigid.

"Prior, whatever are you—?" she protested.

He ignored this and lifted her onto his lap, so that her skirt spread out and left her cleft open for business at his loin. "Little trick I picked up on the beach, long time ago," he remarked. "Have you any idea how long it's been since I had a real live human-type nubile female woman?"

"Prior, really I don't—" she began. Then the cool, iron-hard horn nudged into her shapely crevice, and there was something about it that silenced her.

"You," he said, "have never been fucked like this, baby."

Her brow wrinkled distastefully. "Must you employ such uncouth language? There is appropriate terminology to cover the situation." But she wasn't really upset, for that surprising member of his was caressing her nether regions, promising a fulfillment unlike any she had experienced before, and the contact sent a warm exotic languor radiating out to suffuse her entire body. It was as though she were in love, with him or with his member, and had craved this contact for a thousand years. If deity had a physical manifestation, this was quite possibly it.

"If you have terminology, use it," Prior said harshly. "Tell me what's happening. And no fair peeking!"

She was perplexed. It seemed this was a completely one-sided sexual act from which he received nothing. While she responded to the incredible magic of his member, he was defensive. He had changed, somehow, and not only genitally.

The member moved, sending electrical thrills through her. "Describe it!" he ordered.

She tried. "Your phenomenal penis is stroking my mons pubis," she murmured. "It hardly seems like a prosthetic! Now it is guiding around to my left sulcus labiofemoralis—ooh, that tickles! Don't stop! Now it is crossing my comissura labiorum posterior.... sliding along my right labium majus pudendi.... my right sulcus nympholabialis.... sulcus preputiolabialis.... preputum clitordis...."

"You mean it's circling right around your sweating cunt," he said gruffly, "and coming up onto your little man-in-the-boat. Why the hell don't you talk English? So let's just jog your pleasure button a bit, huh?"

She looked at him reproachfully, unable to ascertain the source of his hostility. "Really, those gutter terms—I don't know what they mean." Then the horn got centered and her entire genital region illuminated in response, making her love him anyway. "Massaging my glans clitoridis...."

"Now we'll move on down to pussy headquarters," he said.

The radiating pleasure and promise became almost more than she could bear. She tried once more, desperately, to voice her emotion suitably. "Labium minus pudendi.. ostium orethrae... ostium vaginae...." But she was losing her powers of concentration, for that surprising member of his was pushing divinely into her vulva, expanding it, sliding in deeper with an absolutely masculine assurance. An inch, two inches, three, four, five, dilating the entire vaginal tract in a way no woman could ever have experienced before.

"Portio vaginalis cervicis uteri," she breathed, shuddering rapturously. "Ostium uteri...." Then she lost control entirely. "Oh, you're right, Prior. I have never been f—fu—forni—"

"FUCKED!" he said helpfully.

"Fucked like this before," she finished contritely, and quivered all the way into her cavum uteri.

"This," he repeated, "is what you have always desired."

"But science, medicine, human en—" She paused as the pressure of entry abated marginally. "DON'T STOP, Prior!"

"Don't worry, cutie. I won't turn loose your lovely chaste little ass until I've made my deal with you. And to do that, I'll have to infuse some gouts of information, directly into your centers of learning. So hang on—here comes the first!"

The horn wedged so sublimely inside her gouted.

Chapter Thirty-One

I AM THE SPIRE, THE PHALLIC HORN OF PLENTY. FROM ME ISSUES THE ETERNAL SPASM OF PROTOPLASM. I WAS CREATED BY THE ELDEST GOD OF THE GALAXY—KNOWN COLLOQUIALLY BY HIS INITIALS, EGG—THAT HE MIGHT MORE READILY SATISFY HIS FOURTEEN THOUSAND MOST PASSIONATE CONCUBINES AND HIS INNUMERABLE LESS PASSIONATE HETAERAE AND HIS INCIDENTAL COURTESANS WITHOUT NEGLECTING HIS LAWFUL WIVES. WITH ME EGG BEGAT ON HIS CHOICEST WIVES ALL THE MORTALS OF THE FIRMAMENT, AND ON HIS CONCUBINES HE BEGAT THE DEMONS, AND ON THE REMAINDER HE BEGAT THE UNCLASSIFIABLES OF EVERY TYPE AND DESCRIPTION. HE EMPLOYED A NEW POSITION FOR EACH COPULATION (FOR EGG WAS EVER ARTISTIC), BEGETTING THE RACES OF MAN BY THE CLOSED, SQUEEZED, RAISED, PRESSED, HALF-PRESSED, LEANING, ENTWINED, SUSPENDED, AND WIDE-OPEN POSITIONS; AND THE SPECIES OF ANIMALS BY THE POSITIONS OF THE MARE, CRAB, COW, DOG, GOAT, DOE, ASS, TIGER, ELEPHANT, WILD BOAR AND STALLION AND SO ON; AND FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS HE EMPLOYED THE POSITIONS OF THE NAIL AND BAMBOO CLEFT; AND FOR THE RACES AND SPECIES OF DEMONS HE EMPLOYED ABNORMAL POSITIONS TOO TEDIOUS TO ENUMERATE OR DESCRIBE IN A SINGLE GOUT. AND WHEN EVERY FEMALE OF THE COSMOS WAS GRAVID, EGG WAS MINDED TO REST FOR A TIME. BUT IT WAS INCONVENIENT TO TURN ME ON AND OFF OR TO SET ME ASIDE SAFELY, FOR ANY CREATURE MIGHT TAKE ME AND ABUSE MY POTENCY. SO EGG CHANGED MY SETTING TO "ENERGY" AND SET ME IN THE CENTER OF THE ORIGINAL GALAXY, AND WHILE HE SLEPT I SPEWED OUT MORE ENERGY THAN THE COSMOS HAD YET KNOWN. BUOYED BY MY OUTPUT, THE EXISTENT SPHERE EXPANDED. WHEN EGG WOKE, THE GALAXY HAD BECOME A UNIVERSE, AND IT WAS STILL EXPANDING PHENOMENALLY. "THIS IS ON THE VERY VERGE OF GETTING OUT OF HAND!" EGG CRIED, WROTH WITH EXCEEDING WRATH. BUT HE WAS NOT YET INCLINED TO USE ME AGAIN ON HIS MULTIFEROUS FEMALES, SO HE SET ME ON "MATTER" WHILE HE CONTEMPLATED THE SITUATION. AND WHILE HE PONDERED I JETTED FORTH HYDROGEN, THE SIMPLEST ORGANIZED FORM OF MATTER, AND IT FORMED INTO NEBULOUS CLOUDS AND SWIRLS AND SUFFUSED THE UNIVERSE, PROVIDING NOURISHMENT FOR THE DISPLACED STARS AND OBSCURING VASTY TRACTS FROM EGG'S IMMEDIATE PERCEPTION. AT LAST HE WIPED THE MUCK OF HYDROGEN FROM HIS NOBLE BROW AND DECLARED THAT I WAS TOO MUCH TROUBLE, THOUGH I HAD ONLY DONE MY POTENT DUTY, AND HE SET ME ON "IDLE" AND ABOLISHED ME TO LIMBO AND ASSIGNED FIVE DEMONIC GUARDS TO PROTECT ME FROM INTRUSION. AND THERE I REMAINED A PERIOD, FORGOTTEN. I AM THE SPIRE.

Tantamount blinked prettily and looked at Prior. "Suddenly I know all about the Spire," she said. "But—"

"That was the first gout, delivered as I said straight into your seat of learning. There is more." Prior lifted her off the dribbling member and guided her head down to his crotch.

"Prior, I don't generally make love orally—" she began.

But as her mouth opened to speak the words of protest, the tip of his still-wonderfully-solid projection moved in. "This isn't love—it's education," he explained. His hand pressed on the back of her head, forcing it down.

She stiffened as her delicate lips touched the ribbed surface—then sighed around it and took in more. There was something so angelically compelling about that contact....

"This is what you have always desired," he repeated firmly.

"Yes!" she exclaimed with her mouth full, and caressed the noxious horn lovingly with her tongue. "This is divine. It—it tastes of cherry!"

"All I want," Prior said, "is 3.97. Isn't this a fair exchange?" She wanted to say YES YES YES, but her rational mind fought down the penis-sponsored urge. "But—" she started.

Then the second gout arrived, and she was far too busy swallowing information to talk for a while.

Chapter Thirty-Two

THE FIVE GUARDS WERE GOLEMS, CREATED EXPRESSLY FOR THIS PURPOSE AND ENDOWED WITH FANATIC LOYALTY TO THEIR MISSION. THUS THEY WERE "EXPRESSLY ENDOWED GOLEMS" KNOWN IN THE TRADE AS EEG'S. THE CODE NAME FOR THEIR UNIT WAS "CHERRY TREE," AND THEY ASSUMED THE ASPECT OF COMMENSURATE APPURTENANCES. THEY HELD ME IN LIMBO AND DEFENDED MY EXILE FROM ALL INTRUSIONS. PARAGRAPH. (I CAN'T PARAGRAPH IT MYSELF, FOR IT WOULDN'T BE GOUT-SHAPED.) BUT THE EEGS WERE ESSENTIALLY SEXUAL CREATURES AND MY EXILE WAS THEIRS TOO. THEY LONGED FOR THE OLD-FASHIONED INFERNAL ORGIES OR AT LEAST SOME TOKEN SIN. THREE MALES AND TWO FEMALES—AND WHEN THERE WERE TOO FEW INTRUDERS FOR THEM TO PRACTICE THEIR TALENTS ON, THEY HAD TO INDULGE EACH OTHER. EVERY CENTURY OR SO ONE OF THE FEMALES WOULD CONCEIVE. BUT THE ISSUE, BEING CONTRARY TO THE WORD OF THE ELDEST GOD OF THE GALAXY (NOW ELDEST GOD OF THE UNIVERSE THE GALAXY HAD BECOME, EXALTED BE HIS INACCURATE ACRONYM!), HAD TO BE CONCEALED. THE OFFSPRING COULD NOT BE KILLED, FOR THEY WERE DEMONIC AND IMMORTAL AND NOT SUBJECT TO THE CURSE OF THE CHERRY THAT MADE THEIR ELDERS VULNERABLE TO MORTAL EJACULATE. AND SO THESE NEWFOUND DEMONS WERE CAST INTO THE SHAPES OF LIVING CREATURES AND RENDERED IMMOBILE AND PLACED IN SELECTED PARKS AT THE VARIOUS OUTLETS TO THE PASS (FOR SO EGG'S PRIVATE TRAVEL ROUTE WAS TERMED) WHERE THE NATIVES TOOK THEM TO BE STATUES. ONLY WHILE IN THE ACTUAL ACT OF COPULATION WITH LIVING THINGS COULD THESE OUTCASTS GAIN SOME MEASURE OF THE ANIMATION THEY CRAVED—AND FEW MORTALS CARED TO INDULGE IN COPULATION WITH SUCH STATUES. THE DEMONS THEREFORE BARGAINED FOR SUCH ATTENTIONS BY OFFERING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTION AN OBLIGING MORTAL MIGHT PUT TO THEM. BUT THEY WERE SEVERELY LIMITED IN THE ARTICULATION OF SUCH DISCOURSE. THIS WAS ANOTHER PENALTY FOR BEING THE SPAWN OF ADULTEROUS EEGS. ONLY BY THE INFUSION OF LEGITIMATE PROTOPLASM COULD THEY BE RENDERED FULLY ANIMATE THEMSELVES. I AM THE SPIRE.

The horn withdrew from Tantamount's mouth, and red fluid drooled from between her sparkling white teeth. "Suddenly I know all about certain statues," she said, licking the overflow from her red lips. "Those horrible statues behind my sister's clinic. But—"

"That was the second gout," Prior explained. "There is more." He guided her into a prone position on the couch, and lifted her skirt out of the way so that her full, resilient buttocks showed in all their clean white splendor. He brought a little more of the member into view. It was still as hard as horn, and though narrow at the tip its girth increased toward the base. Its aperture was not a slit but a round hole, surprisingly large for a penis.

"That phallus does not have the most esthetic configuration," she said, glancing over her shoulder at it. "But every time it touches me I palpitate, and when it ejaculates I have visions and I feel so good...."

"This is what you have always desired," he said once more.

"But my life work—"

He positioned himself and hauled up her generous posterior so that her smooth, perfectly molded cleft showed taut. He spread the silky flesh of her labia, nudging in the horn.

"Yes, yes!" she breathed breathlessly.

"Let's do this right," he said as he inched the horn in. "This is the position of the Cow, according to the ancient erotic texts of India. Let's say I'm the bull, and this is the bullhorn. So moo, cow, moo!"

The caress of that horny member unnerved her with its incipient thrills, but she still had female human pride. "Prior, this is ridiculous! Why must you spoil—"

He began to withdraw, and the promise abated.

"Moo! Moo!" she cried, alarmed.

The retreat ceased, but the advance did not resume. "But I'm not sure I want to fuck a cow at the moment. It's too bovine, know what I mean? Let's make it the position of the Dog. How about it? Would you make a good female dog?"

"This is disgusting! Absolutely animalistic! I won't—"

He recommended the strategic withdrawal.

"I'm a bitch! I'm a bitch!" she screamed.

"Funny. You don't sound like a bitch.

"Arf! Wuf! Ho-o-owl!"

She was getting the message.

"But maybe the ass is better," he said thoughtfully. "A nice, braying, donkey-type ass."

She was silent. The horn hesitated inside her, then began to retr—

"I'm a piece of ass!" she cried.

"But I feel more like a wild boar, so—"

"I'm a pig! Oink, oink!"

"Then again, maybe an elephant—"

"Anything you want! Please, Prior—"

"Why," he said curiously, "you sound almost as if you want something...."

"Enter and ejaculate! Don't torture me!"

He cupped one hand behind an ear. "I'm not certain I comprehend the terminology."

"Complete the fornication!"

"Eh?"

"Fuck me! FUCK ME!"

"Oh, all right, if you feel that way." He eased the horn on in to jog the eager cervix. "Here comes the third gout, elephant ass bitch!"

And the third gout came, driving out the remnants of the first gout as new grease from the greasegun drives out old.

Chapter Thirty-Three

AFTER SEVERAL THOUSAND MILLENNIA THE CHERRY TREE EEG DEMONS (SEE GOUT NO. 2 FOR RATIONALE OF NOMENCLATURE) REALIZED THAT I COULD BE EMPLOYED FOR THEIR PURPOSE, FOR I COULD PRODUCE THE MORTAL PROTOPLASM THEY DESIRED AND I HAD NOT ACTUALLY BEEN TURNED OFF. AND SO THEY FORNICATED WITH ME UPON OCCASION—TWO OR THREE TIMES PER CENTURY—AND FROM EACH SUCH UNION A LIVING EEGLET WAS CONCEIVED AND BIRTHED AS AN EGG. THESE EGGS WERE STORED AT THE BORDERS OF LIMBO AND FORGOTTEN. BUT THE STRAIN OF SUCH POTENCY ON THE DEMONIC SYSTEMS WAS SUCH THAT THEIR GENITAL SECRETIONS WERE ADVERSELY AFFECTED. THUS THE CHERRY DEMONS DEVELOPED BUTTERSCOTCH-FLAVORED EJACULATE, MUCH TO THEIR CHAGRIN. PARAGRAPH. EVENTUALLY A CACHE OF THESE EEG EGGS WAS DISCOVERED BY A SPACEFARING MORTAL, WHO ASCERTAINED THEIR SINGULAR NATURE AND WHOLESALED THEM ON THE BLACK MARKET. SOON INFANT EEGS WERE SCATTERED ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE, FOR REMOVAL FROM LIMBO AND CONTACT WITH MORTAL FLESH STIMULATED THEIR HATCHING AND GROWTH. NATURALLY THEY PROCEEDED TO WREAK SUCH MISCHIEF AS THEY MIGHT. THIS WAS ENTIRELY AGAINST DEMONIC PRINCIPLE, FOR IT SIGNALED THE END OF THE PROPER SEPARATION OF MAGIC AND SCIENCE. BUT THE SMUGGLING CONTINUED. I AM THE SPIRE.

"And now I know about eeg eggs," Tantamount said. "This is astonishing."

"It's all leading up to the deal we are about to make," Prior said confidently. "I have what you've always wanted."

"Yes," she said, starting to turn over.

"Not so fast, bitch ass!" He caught inside her thigh, squeezing the fine firm flesh between thumb and fingers until she winced. Then he stroked his hand between her lush buttocks, bearing down on her rectum. "Now for this next number—"

"Prior," she protested, squirming. "What—"

"Now is the month of Maying," he sang, stroking her flinching sphincter again. "When merry lads are playing, fa-la-la-la-la—"

Tantamount tried to straighten out, but he hooked his other arm around her voluptuous hips and held her there, rear pointed up. He scooped a little clear grease from her vagina where it overflowed and rubbed it generously over her anus. "Each with his bonnie lass," he sang, thumbing some of the lubricant into the target hole. "A-dancing on her ass, fa-la-la-la—"

"Surely you don't intend to practice anal intercourse?" she asked, shocked.

"This isn't practice, innocent baby. I'm thoroughly experienced, thanks to the tour you started me on."

"But I never indulge in perversive exploits! It isn't—"

"You don't consider it perversive to hack off a man's living, fucking penis and crucify it in a laboratory?"

"So that's why you're so angry! Prior, how can you bear such a grudge for such a little—"

"It may be little, but it's mine. 3.97 erect. I want it back."

"But I need it for the advancement of—"

She silenced as the great horn centered on her attractively puckered rectum and nosed determinedly within. The breadth of it distended her sphincter and the hollow tip of it probed far into her virgin bowel, a hypodermic ready to inject. "Who would have suspected it would feel so good!" she murmured wantonly.

"This horn always feels divine," he said. He hesitated again. "Next time you feel like stealing a man's—"

"Never again!" she cried.

"Cross your heart?"

"Cross my fucking heart!"

He nodded, satisfied. The fourth gout flooded her colon.

Chapter Thirty-Four

NOW IT CAME TO PASS THAT EGG LEARNED OF THE EEG EGGS (IT SEEMS ONE WAS INADVERTENTLY POACHED FOR HIS BREAKFAST) AND REALIZED THAT NOT ONLY WAS SOMETHING AMISS, HIS ACRONYM HAD BEEN PROFANED. SO HE BANISHED ME TO AN UNINHABITED WORLD, AND MY GUARDIANS WITH ME, AND DECREED THAT HENCEFORTH I SHOULD SPOUT ONLY LUDICROUS SUBSTANCE. ABOUT THAT TIME ONE OF THE BACKWARD PLANETS HAD INVENTED ICE CREAM (A NOXIOUS CONFECTION OF ANIMAL MAMMARY MILK AND VEGETABLE SUGAR, DEVIOUSLY FLAVORED AND CHILLED TO SEMI-SOLIDITY), SO HE STARTED ME OFF WITH THAT, MY PENALTY FOR MILLENNIA OF LOYAL SERVICE. NATURALLY I PRODUCED ONLY THE FINEST GRADE OF EVERY FLAVOR AND TYPE—BUT THERE WAS NO ONE PRESENT TO CONSUME IT. GRADUALLY A MOUNTAIN OF IT FORMED ABOVE ME, YET I COULD NOT DESIST WITHOUT A SPECIFIC DIRECTIVE, AND THE DEMONS WERE NO LONGER EMPOWERED FOR THAT. ONLY WHEN SOME INTREPID MORTAL CONQUERED THE GUARDIAN EEGS (BY REAMING THEIR DEMON ASSES) AND PROVIDED A NEW DIRECTIVE COULD I MODIFY MY OUTPUT. FINALLY SUCH A MAN CAME. I AM THE SPIRE. FUCK YOU, SISTER—YOU'RE MY MILLIONTH-GENERATION DESCENDANT.

"Prior!" she exclaimed. "You conquered the Spire. The phallic horn of plenty!"

"It is," he murmured, "up your ass."

"Help! I've been stuffed with ice cream!"

He withdrew the tip of the Spire and watched the yellowish substance ooze out of her flaccid rectum. "Not exactly. I switched formulae each time. Standard-potency human ejaculate for the first gout that will make you a mother in just about nine months—"

"No!" she cried, appalled. "I took Precautions!"

"So did some of those wives and concubines. But the Spire has never had a failure. It is, you might say, the irresistible force."

She turned over now, stricken. "Gravid! And I'm not even married!"

"The second gout was cherry ice cream, of course," he continued imperturbably. "Petroleum jelly for the third—"

"WHAT?!"

"Well, I know we'd be needing some lubricant for the fourth, so—"

Tantamount squirted from his grasp, assisted in the maneuver by the leaking lubricant, and stood on the floor quivering beautifully with fury. "Of all the—you, you—you MAN, you!"

"But for the fourth gout I have stuffed you with what you have always most desired. That's why it felt so good."

"But all I have ever desired is science, medicine, and—" she began plaintively.

"Precisely. And how do you propose to achieve all this?"

"I was setting up my laboratory to perform an exhaustive analysis of your penile smegma, to ascertain—"

Prior removed the Spire from his crotch where it had been fastened to his attachment-base, and set it upright in the center of the room. It was about a foot long, horn-shaped, with a gentle column of steam rising from its narrow aperture. "All you needed," he said gravely, "was enough of that unique smegma to spread out for your multiple tests. And 3.97 can't have been producing much, because naturally it doesn't like being isolated in the lab, fuckless. So you haven't gotten far, have you, saving mankind from a fate worse than abstinence?"

Her full breasts shook. "But in time—"

"You don't need time. You need smegma. Well, you have it now."

"I—?"

"Shit a little, Emdee. Find out what I put in there, that last gout."

Dazed, she squatted and strained. Her bottom extruded a waxy ribbon of substance. She caught some of it on her finger, brought it to her face, frowned and touched her tongue to it. "Smegma! You mean—?"

"Cheese, sister, cheese. My very own formula, proof against all venereal disease except amputation. All yours now."

"Smegma!" she exclaimed, brightening visibly. "How wonderful! There must be half a pound of it in me. I must conserve it all!" And she began straining in earnest.

Prior smiled indulgently. "Don't bother. I am giving you the Spire, set to that formula. It will produce as much as you need—maybe even more than enough." He twiddled with the great horn, and it began spouting more of the waxy stuff. The first sustained gout hit the ceiling and splashed down all over the living room, and more followed in a steady stream. It was a yellow fountain.

"Oh!" Tantamount exclaimed, running over and trying to catch it all in her hands. She was like a child in a candy store. "It's raining smegma! Oh joy!"

"Courtesy of Egg's cosmic dildo, the source of all potency." Prior sighed with satisfaction. "Now I'm going over to your lab and I'm taking back my penis—3.97 erect. It's a fair bargain. Have fun." He waved as he left.

She had already forgotten him. She was in smegma heaven. The stuff was pouring on her head, and she was smearing it over her exquisite body as though it were soap, transfixed by delight. "All I can ever use!" she cried. "I'll eat it, drink it, sleep in it—"

It took Prior about half an hour to get his precious penis disconnected from the lab setup and reconnected to his socket, but finally it stood proud and not too tall at his loin. Now it was just over four inches, because the socket added to its length, but he remained well satisfied. A long (or more correctly, short) lost friend had been recovered, and they were going to have a fucking good time together.

Of course he would keep the alternate members too, since variety was the spice of sex. And he would have to drop in on Oubliette to obtain a special fitting, so that he could handle the little errand he owed Black. A certain bunch of fat crooked policemen were going to get screwed—simultaneously. Compliments of a late noble man.

As he left the house he saw yellowish material pouring thickly out the window. It was excess smegma overflowing the confines of Tantamount's living room.

Prior chuckled. No one but he could turn off the Spire or change its setting, and he intended to lose himself. So unless the Eldest God of the Galaxy became aware of the situation and interceded, Tantamount would have more than enough.

In fact, this was the beginning of the formation of Mt. Smegma.