Phule Me Twice

Chapter 18

Journal #611

Having regained de facto command of Omega Company, my employer moved quickly to solidify his gains. First of all, he made certain that Major Botchup and Lieutenant Snipe were able to leave the planet without undue difficulty or delay. He had no personal animus toward them, although many of his legionnaires seemed to. Besides, getting them to their destination with all due speed and safety would work more in his favor than otherwise.

His next priority was to reprogram the Andromatic robot; it had finally remained in his vicinity long enough for him to give it the verbal command that deactivated it. He had been tempted to return it to Lorelei in the same shuttle as the major, but that would have been unnecessarily cruel; Here was little enough room in the ship. He had more useful tasks planned for the robot, in any case.

His most important task was to pass along to the Zenobians the full details of his encounter with the Nanoids and his suggestion for a codification of the relationship of the two races: both, as he had reason to believe, authentic natives of this world. Flight Leftenant Qual was useful as a go-between in this matter, and we soon had a broad-based approval of the general terms of the agreement from the Zenobian side. Now all that remained was to bring the two races together and consolidate his diplomatic victory.

Oddly enough, while there were a hundred details to check and loose ends to tie together, everything moved extraordinarily swiftly once things were set in motion. After waiting outside the camp during most of the action, I drove the hoverjeep in at dawn and found I barely had time for a proper bath and change of uniform before I was up to my ears in work. But by late afternoon, everything was in readiness.

The command cadre of Omega Company stood facing Phule near the perimeter of the camp. While many of them were smiling, there were also several dazed expressions; the pace of events over the last twenty-four hours had been too much for almost anyone to keep track of without a script. Phule himself was not quite sure he understood everything that had happened, and he was sure that most of the things that had happened were best kept from the Legion's high command.

Next to him stood the Andromatic robot that had been his stand-in at the Fat Chance Casino on Lorelei and, after its kidnapping and escape, his unofficial double here in camp. Even now, several of the legionnaires kept looking back and forth between him and the robot, as if they weren't entirely sure which was which.

Lieutenant Armstrong spoke for all of them. "It's really uncanny," he said. "Even when it stands there, entirely motionless, it's hard to tell you apart."

"It would be even more difficult if he hadn't engaged the robot's override protocols," said Beeker.

"What's that?" asked Chocolate Harry.

"They prevent it from doing anything other than what I give it a specific order to do," said Phule. "But when I have it set to impersonate me, it'll follow a general program of doing things I might be doing, and it'll respond appropriately to events around it, subject to the robotic laws."

"Respond appropriately is an understatement," said Rembrandt with a nervous laugh. "If you hadn't come back, I guess we would have figured out it wasn't really you, but it would have taken a good while longer. And somebody like the major, who didn't know you from before-I don't think he ever had a chance."

Phule grimaced. "I suppose I ought to be glad I got my money's worth from the manufacturer," he said wryly. "But I can't help feeling a bit miffed that none of my officers noticed any difference between me and the robot."

"Yo, if folks paid attention, they'd a spotted it pretty quick," said Chocolate Harry. "Every time somebody came up to it wearing my purple camo, it couldn't see 'em. If somebody had tipped me to that, I'd have spotted that sucker for a bot in no time flat."

"At least, I'm glad it wasn't you ignoring me like that," said Jennie Higgins. Then she stopped and peered at Phule more closely. "It wasn't you, now, was it?"

"On my word as a gentleman and an officer," said Phule, holding up his hand as if taking a pledge.

Jennie feigned a pout. "Coming from you, I'm not sure how much that's worth."

"Oh, coming from me, it's worth a great deal," said Phule.

"And he's got the Dilithium Express card to prove it," said Rembrandt, winking.

Before anyone could reply to that, Brandy pointed out into the desert and said, "Something's coming, Captain."

"Ah, that may be what we're waiting for," said Phule. "The Nanoids coming to finalize their agreement."

"Movin' mighty fast," said Chocolate Harry. "They on a bike or somethin'?"

"Conceivably, yes," said Beeker. "They evidently have the ability to form themselves into aggregations for special purposes, so perhaps they've adopted a form not dissimilar to one of your hovercycles."

"Whatever you say, man," said Chocolate Harry, shading his eyes with a huge hand. "Still comin' in fast. Are y' sure this is all cool, Cap'n? We can still get a couple antitank lasers zeroed in on it 'fore it gets too close."

"I doubt they'd hurt it any," said Sushi. "It'd do about as much damage as shooting a rifle at a swarm of ripners."

"I just hope it has good brakes," said Armstrong. "Shouldn't we stand out of its direct line of approach?"

"That's actually not a bad idea," said Phule, stepping off a half-dozen paces to one side. The group of legionnaires followed him and watched as the cloud of dust came closer, eerily quiet for something so fast-moving. At last, just as it seemed it would inevitably crash into the camp, the oncoming entity came to a pinpoint stop a few meters away from the group of officers who, observing Phule's cool unconcern, stood quietly waiting for it. Only when the dust began to settle did anyone react to what had arrived in their midst.

"Sheeee-it! It's the renegade robots!" cried Chocolate Harry, and he fell flat to the ground, reaching for a weapon.

"Looks like it, doesn't it?" said Sushi. "We've been showing them kids' adventure holos, and they must have decided they want to look like Roger Robot. You can get up, Harry. Meet the Nanoids."

"Nanoids? What the hell is that?" said Harry, slowly getting to his feet. He eyed the new arrival suspiciously.

"They're the whole reason we came to this planet," said Phule. "They share Zenobia with the Zenobians, and now we've got to arrange it so the two species can coexist in peace. And as it happens, I've got the perfect ambassador in mind."

"Ambassador? Who's that?" said Armstrong.

"Yours truly, of course," said an uncannily familiar voice. The voice came from the Andromatic robot, which they now saw was dressed in a tuxedo, carrying an impressive-looking portfolio under one arm.

"The robot?" said Jennie Higgins.

"That's right," said Phule. "The Zenobians will accept it because it looks like me, and they already think of me as a human of unusual integrity and leadership-"

"I can't imagine where they got that notion," said Beeker, dryly.

Phule ignored him. "And the Nanoids will respond to its robotic logic in a way they couldn't to any organic ambassador. So both sides will trust it, and meanwhile, it'll remain completely loyal to the Alliance, because it can't conceive of any other course of action."

"Man, are you sure about that?" asked Chocolate Harry, squinting carefully at the Andromatic robot.

"Absolutely, Sergeant," said the robot. It gave a very passable imitation of a wink. "And, by the way, it's a pleasure finally to see you without all that silly purple. Awkward for me to pretend I didn't see you."

"Say what?" said Harry. "You mean you could see me all along, even with the camo? I be damn-"

"That is exactly right, Sergeant," said the robot.

"Why did you pretend you couldn't see us, then?" said Jennie, her eyes beginning to smolder.

"Very simple, Miss Higgins," said the robot. "That purple antirobot camouflage is distributed by Phule-Proof Industries. For me to reveal that it was ineffective would be to damage my owner's interests, which of course I am programmed to protect. So until he reprogrammed me, I had to pretend that it did, in fact, work as advertised."

Chocolate Harry let out a long, low whistle. "Man, that's way too fast for my speed. I got to tell you, Cap'n, I'm glad this sucker is on our side."

"So am I, Harry," said Phule, chuckling. "So am I"

Journal #612

General Blitzkrieg was not at all happy when he received the news from Zenobia. To begin with, he was forced to pay off his thousand-dollar bet with Colonel Battleax when the arbiters-General Havoc, Ambassador Gottesman, and the third judge chosen by them, Chief Plenipotentary Korg of Zenobia-declared that Omega Company had successfully achieved the mission's stated objectives. And that was only the beginning.

Next, the Alliance Senate had called him in to testify on the treaty that my employer had concluded between the Zenobians and the Nanoids, who had turned out to have great potential as trading partners for the Alliance, once communications channels had been opened up. Having gone on record as opposing Omega Company's being given the Zenobia assignment, he was caught completely off guard by this development. It was particularly aggravating that he was forced to depend almost entirely on Captain Jester's reports to prepare himself for the Senate hearings.

Most annoying of all, the man he'd hand-picked as CO of Omega Company had evidently turned tail and run away just as the new race was arriving to make its overtures to the Legion company. There was very little the general could do to make his choice of Major Botchup look like anything but a blunder.

He didn't understand how so many things could have gone wrong at once. Still, if there was a way to make himself into the hero of the day, he intended to find it.

General Blitzkrieg gripped the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. There was the beginning of a headache lurking just behind his sinuses. He wanted nothing more than to go lie down, but he had to appear before the Alliance Senate in half an hour, and he didn't dare go in there without some kind of coherent story-not unless he wanted to be even more a laughingstock than he already was.

"All right, tell me again how we're going to explain this," he said. "Not only did Major Botchup and his aide desert from Omega Company in the face of what they thought was an enemy incursion; they ran away to Lorelei. Lorelei! Why the hell did they have to pick the plushest resort station in the sector to escape to?"

Major Sparrowhawk looked on at her superior, tightlipped. She'd hitched her career to Blitzkrieg's, and she'd always been careful to tell him what he wanted to hear. But it was beginning to look as if her best bet for survival was to start telling him what he needed to hear. And there was no better time to start than right now. She drew a star on her notepad and said, "Sir, Lorelei was the closest Alliance outpost. You need to keep emphasizing that fact, General."

"I just hope the senators buy this bill of goods," said Blitzkrieg. He opened his eyes and glared. "It looks bad, damn it, very bad."

"It doesn't help a bit that it was your picked commanding officer ran off," snarled Colonel Battleax, pausing in her pacing back and forth around the anteroom to which the Legion delegation had been sent to wait until the Senate was ready for them. "The Legion's lucky Jester was there to pick up the pieces. If you were smart, you'd make the most of that point. He's the Legion's golden boy, as far as the civilians are concerned, and that includes the Senate. Our best chance to profit from this episode is to give him full credit for it."

"It galls the hell out of me," said the general. "That son of a bitch is leading a charmed life, Colonel. If it weren't for the good of the Legion-"

"The next time you give a damn about the good of the Legion will be the first time," said Battleax. "You didn't have the sense to leave Jester alone to take care of a situation he was perfectly suited to handle, and you've ended up saddling Botchup with a failure he may never get off his record. Not that anybody expected much of him to begin with."

"We don't want the senators to focus on any of that, ma'am," said Major Sparrowhawk quietly. "General, you are going to tell them we had an important mission that required Botchup's presence on Lorelei. And to make the most capital out of Jester's diplomatic coup-"

"Diplomatic farking coup!" moaned Blitzkrieg. "How the hell does a complete idiot keep coming up with diplomatic coups?"

"Idiot or not, he keeps doing it," growled Battleax. "His company did everything they were asked to do, and more. By my count, this is the third time he's saved our bacon." Her expression made it very clear who she thought was the idiot.

"Don't rub it in, Colonel," growled Blitzkrieg. "You've won your damned bet, thanks to Jester and his rabble-and those half-blind judges. I don't need your gloating-"

Sparrowhawk cleared her throat. This wasn't going to be easy to say, but somebody had to say it. "As I was suggesting, General, Colonel, the Legion will look a lot better if you claim that Captain Jester was acting in furtherance of your orders, instead of letting everybody know he did it in spite of you. And the best way to make capital out of his accomplishments would be to return him to official command of Omega Company and promote him to-"

General Blitzkrieg sat bolt upright. "Promote him! I'd sooner promote the devil!"

"Have it your own way, sir," said Sparrowhawk with a shrug. "I suspect the senators will have their own ideas of what Captain Jester deserves, though."

As it turned out, she was right again.