Perfect Ruin

18

AFTER CLASS, THOMAS HAS SOMEHOW persuaded Pen to come home with him. “I suppose I’m not much in the mood for my mother’s inebriated weeping anyway,” she sighs, letting him tug her away with him once we’ve gotten off the train.

Basil and I walk to my building, make our way past the patrolman who is there to hold open the door now that another murder has occurred, and climb the staircase leading to my apartment.

“My mother will probably be asleep,” I tell him, working my key into the doorknob. We never used to bother with locks before Daphne’s murder. “But I’m sure she left dinner if you’re hungry.”

Only, there is no dinner waiting for me in the kitchen. The stove is cold. My mother didn’t even bother with a light, and with the sun nearly set, the apartment is full of shadows.

Basil catches my frown when I see the pharmacy bag on the table. “Maybe she just isn’t feeling well,” he says.

“She’s getting worse,” I say. It’s because my father works so much. She’ll deny it, but I know that’s part of it.

I peer into her bedroom and can just make out her form. The blinds are, as always, drawn. She’s on top of the covers, curled away from me. I frown and close the door. I wonder if she went to work at all today. Workers are granted only two missed days a month before they are required to be medically evaluated.

When I return to the kitchen, without breaking stride I go straight into Basil’s arms, defeated. What a spectacular mess he’s betrothed to. But our home will never be like this. He will never leave for days at a time and I will never go back to the malaise of those elixirs. I’ll jump off the edge of this city, I’ll go mad, I’ll go blind before I let our home be like this. There will always be dinner waiting for our children and they’ll always feel safe. Whether or not safety exists. “I just had a silly thought,” I murmur against his chest. “Us sitting at a table eating dinner with our children, and outside, the city is burning down.”

“You’re warm,” Basil says, pressing his chin and then his wrist against my forehead. He draws back to look at me. “How do you feel?”

“A little light-headed,” I admit. “All I’ve had today is tea.”

His fingers brush against the tips of my ears and there’s a moment of dizziness, but that clears away when I feel a stab of pain in my stomach. All the pleasant lightness is being stolen away by this new pain that has me tasting something like blood where I tasted sweetgold earlier today.

Basil is leading me to a kitchen chair, but I don’t quite make it before my knees buckle.

“Morgan!” He catches me under my arms. He calls for my mother, but of course she doesn’t hear him, lost in her dreams under tree roots and in old colorings of children she’s never met.

I double forward onto my hands. Something is happening. Something is very wrong. The floorboards are blurring and my stomach is all knives, organs bleeding into my lungs.

“I’m taking you to the callbox,” Basil says. It’s a machine in every building that can be used to contact the hospital in an emergency.

I can barely get the breath to say, “No. Take me to Lex.” My brother could fix anything—stings and scrapes and odd afflictions were his specialty before he began sewing quilts. We always knew he’d go into medicine; as a child he was fascinated with healing.

When Basil lifts me into his arms, I cry out in pain. He has never moved so fast. I blink and we’re at my brother’s door, and Basil is kicking at it because it’s locked, and I want to tell him not to make such a commotion—what has possessed him?—but the motion has made me too dizzy to speak.

The door swings open, and Alice greets us with her hair done up high on her head, woven into and into itself like the pages from Lex’s transcriber.

They’re saying words I can’t catch as Basil hurries me through the kitchen. I see the unlit candles and the dishes laid out sparkling clean, before they’re pushed away with a chorus of awful shattering sounds, and then Basil is laying me down on the table. There’s the warm smell of something cooking, and all I can think is that on one of the rare nights when Alice has cooked dinner, I’ve ruined it. But she doesn’t care. She’s kicking the shards out of the way to get to me, and yelling for Lex.

I close my eyes, but then Basil says, “No, Morgan. Look at me,” and I do. Somehow I know that this is important.

“What’s happening to me?” I say.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t know, but we’ll fix it.”

Time is playing out before me like the scope slides we’re shown in class. One image, blackness, then another.

In the next slide, Lex is standing over me and his face is serious, detached. He presses his fingers against my neck to take my pulse. Alice tells him the things he cannot see. “Her skin is flushed but not sweaty. Her lips and tongue are pale. Her pupils are dilated.”

He touches my forehead. “Get the storage container that’s under the water room sink,” he tells her. “It’s full of corked vials.” His voice is short, almost angry.

She’s gone.

“Morgan?” He’s leaning over me now. There’s a little of the blue that was in his eyes before the edge faded them to gray. “Tell me where it hurts,” he says. My answer is a shuddering whimper when he kneads into my stomach.

Alice is back with the vials and she sets them on the counter and says, “Tell me what to do.” Her voice is steady. Her eyes are red.

“I need to know what I’m dealing with before anyone does anything,” he says. “Talk to me, Little Sister. I need your voice. Describe what you’re feeling.”

“I don’t know,” I manage. “It’s like my stomach is burning, and everything is spinning a little.”

“She said she didn’t eat anything today,” Basil offers.

Lex pushes into my stomach again. He’s in medic mode; he would have to be in order to touch me. Some months into his blindness, he began shirking away if my arm so much as brushed his. Alice said I was at the age when girls change overnight, and it made him feel that I was a stranger. I was no longer as he’d last seen me. I had barely noticed the differences in myself until she said it. It took a lot of insistence to reacquaint him with my hands. He didn’t know how to trust what he couldn’t see.

“Did you have anything at all?” he says.

“My pill,” I say, cringing.

“New prescription?”

“No,” I say. “And tea. At lunch.”

I hesitate for only a beat, but Basil knows what I’m thinking. Recognition and anger fill his eyes. “You were with that specialist at lunch,” he says.

“Basil,” I snap.

“Could she have done this to you?”

“Specialist?” Lex says. “You’ve been talking with a specialist?”

I hesitate.

“Tell him,” Basil says.

“Her name is Ms. Harlan,” I say. “She’s been asking me things, mostly about our family; I didn’t tell her anything. I swear.”

I expect my brother to be angry—he hates when anyone who works for the king starts nosing into our affairs—but he doesn’t ask me to elaborate. Something about that name has made a crumble in his calm veneer, and there’s a quiver in his voice when he tells Alice, “There’s an orange liquid and a blue. Do you see them?”

“Yes.”

“And a measuring bottle.”

“Have that.”

“Lex?” I say. “Do you know her? Who is she?”

“No one you should be dealing with. Alice, I need you to measure something out for me.”

My brother may have abandoned his trade, but his trade has clearly not abandoned him. He has all those bottles memorized. Alice is his eyes, quickly reading the names on the labels he touches, measuring the exact amounts he tells her to.

“Is there something I can do?” Basil asks.

“Just keep holding her hand,” Alice says. “You did good bringing her here; she wouldn’t have made it to the hospital.”

The train speeds past and I feel as though I’m going to fall from the table as the vibration rattles it.

Basil will never be allowed to love another girl if he loses me now. It’s forbidden. You get one partner and it’s your job to take care of each other. Loners are loners for life.

I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want him to be broken the way that Judas is broken.

“I don’t want you to be charged with my murder,” I say.

Basil touches my cheek. “You aren’t going to die,” he says.

Lex says, “You’re delirious, Sister.”

“I’m not,” I say, although the ceiling is blurring. “Pen is right. You’re forever picking on me.”

“Talk all the nonsense you want if it helps to keep you conscious,” he says.

I look at Basil’s eyes, and I see what he’ll be like in his dodder years. I see his skin wrinkled, his expression still soft and kind. I want to live to grow old with him, and I feel that future being drained out of me as though someone has cut a hole in my skin.

Across the kitchen, Alice is holding the measuring bottle up to the light to see that the elixirs form the richness Lex is describing.

They’re talking softly. I don’t hear Alice’s question, only Lex telling her, “I can’t neutralize something if I don’t know what it is. I have to force it out.”

He comes back to my side. “Morgan? Staying awake?”

“Yes,” I say.

“This is going to make you sick,” he says. “But you have to drink all of it.”

That’s the only explanation I get before Alice is emptying a vial down my throat. It fizzes and burns. Her hand covers my mouth so I can’t cough it up.

It’s not long before the concoction takes effect. Basil holds back my hair when I vomit into the bowl Alice is holding before me.

Lex is at a distance now, trying to stay in his medic frame of mind, but wincing at the sounds I make.

“How does she look?” he asks.

I slump against Basil, gasping to catch my breath.

“Still flushed. Sweaty,” Alice says. She grabs my chin, looks right through me. “Pupils are still dilated.”

“Sweat is good, at least,” Lex says, taking my pulse again. My heart is pounding, and from the way his bottom lip juts, it’s got him concerned. “Are you certain all you had today was that tea? Nothing else, not even a headache elixir or a study aide?”

“There was a pharmacy bag on the counter when I got home, but I didn’t take anything,” I say, finding it’s easier to get my breath now. The sharp pains in my stomach are less frequent. “Must have been delivered this morning.”

“Opened?” There’s an edge to the word. He’s wary of medicine, but this means something more to him, and it compels me to be honest.

“Yes. Mom always takes them after work,” I say. “She didn’t want you to know.”

“Did you see her?” he presses. “Talk to her?”

“She was sleeping when I came home.”

“I’ll get her,” Alice says. And before another word can be said, she’s out the door. I’d like to know what’s going on, but speaking would bring the nausea back.

Lex feels the vials in the container and then holds one of them up to us.

“Is this green?” he asks.

“Yes,” Basil says.

He uncorks it. “I need you to mix this in a glass with two parts water.”

Basil is only away from my side for seconds, and then he’s feeding me a glass of pale green liquid. In contrast to the other concoction, this is minty and smooth and I don’t have to choke it down.

“It almost tastes good,” I murmur.

“Your pulse is rapid. This will slow it back down,” Lex says. “Let’s see if we can stop this from spreading.”

“Stop what?” I say. “What is it?” The words are thick; my tongue and cheeks feel numb.

He doesn’t answer.

My body goes heavy. I lie back against the table and fight to keep my eyes open.

The walls are murmuring. My mind is hovering outside my skull.

Lex is pacing, pacing. He rubs his hand along his cheek, hard. I hate to see him so worried about me.

Basil is stroking my forehead and whispering some nice words that don’t quite reach me.

Alice comes back. Her steps are slow. I don’t understand why my mother isn’t with her, but I can’t muster the strength to ask.

She steers Lex into a corner and I try to focus on them, but my vision is tunneling. I have no choice but to give in to this feeling of weightlessness.

I close my eyes and at last Basil’s words find me.

He was saying, “I love you.”