Outside

Chapter Forty Five

My world shifts and spins. My life shatters into a million lies. Ma has just told me the truth. The ugly, unadulterated truth. A truth which makes me want to vomit or scream or cry or fall into a mind-numbing sleep for a century. I stare from her, to Chambers, to my lap. And then I raise my eyes back to her with disbelief and something bordering on hate. She sits next to me on the sofa. Chambers sits opposite. I can feel him staring at me.

‘It can’t be true.’ A tear drips onto the back of my hand and I wipe my cheek angrily. ‘Why would you… How could you be so deceitful? What about Pa? Poor Pa…’

Ma stands up, her face drawn. I see her look desperately into Chambers’ eyes and I want to slap her.

‘Connor,’ she says. ‘Would you mind… leaving me and Riley for a few minutes?’

‘Yeah. Sure.’ A soft voice with the trace of an accent. He stands up and leaves the room without looking at me.

Coward, I think. My biological father… I get up and walk away from Ma, over to the sofa that Chambers has just vacated. I don’t sit down. I just turn and stare across at my mother. Who is this woman? I don’t even know her anymore.

‘How could you do that to Pa? I thought you loved him. He adores you.’

‘I know.’ She’s crying now. ‘I know. I’ve got no excuses. I was wrong and I’ve paid the price for it.’

‘We’ve all paid the price for it,’ I snarl. ‘For your affair. Oh my God! I just can’t believe it!’ I feel my emotions spiralling out of control. ‘How could you let me go on thinking it was Chambers who killed Skye, when you knew…’ My voice cracks and breaks. I try to steady it. ‘… When you knew it wasn’t him. You should’ve confessed to everybody there and then. You should’ve told everyone you’re a… you’re a…’ But no matter how disgusted and hurt and angry I feel, I can’t call Ma any of the vile words that are crashing around my head. I just can’t.

‘I’m sorry,’ she sobs. ‘I’m so, so sorry my darling girl.’

‘Does Pa even know?’

‘Yes, yes. I told him everything. And I still love him. He’s my life, Riley. You and he are everything to me.’

‘Well, obviously not.’

She flinches. ‘What can I do?’ she asks. ‘How can I make this right? For you.’

‘What a stupid thing to ask.’ I don’t want to be so harsh, but I can’t help it. I want to inflict hurt. To make her pay. Even though I can see she’s devastated. Repentant. Broken. ‘So what are you going to do?’ I ask.

‘I’m coming back home.’

‘Does Pa want you to come back?’ I feel myself outraged and hurt on his behalf.

‘Yes.’

‘You know I don’t want anything to do with that man. Chambers or Connor or whatever the hell his name is. I don’t even want to see him. He’s nothing to me.’

‘He’s your biological father, Riley.’

‘I have a father and it’s not him.’

‘Okay. I’ve really messed this up. I probably shouldn’t have told you he’s your real father. It’s just… I didn’t want there to be any more secrets.’

‘I wish you hadn’t told me. That’s a secret you should’ve kept to yourself. I’m going out.’ I leave the room.

‘It’s late! It’s dark out there! You don’t know the area…’ Ma’s voice follows me into the hallway.

I hear voices coming from another room, but I ignore them. Ma comes into the hall, but I open the front door and slam it behind me. The night air hits me like a freezing slap, but I like it. I want to feel cold and uncomfortable. To shiver. I run down the road, away from the cul-de-sac of houses. I cross the wide road at the bottom of the hill and see a large deserted playing field in front of me. The kissing gate squeaks as I push it open and sidestep through.

I sit on the wet grass with my arms wrapped around my knees, too exhausted to think about anything. I stay there until I can no longer feel my fingers and toes and can’t stop my teeth from chattering.

Uncle Tom finds me before sleep does. He drapes my shoulders with a blanket and helps me up.

‘Come on, you,’ he says. ‘It’ll all be okay. Come back to the house. Connor’s gone. You need to sleep. It’ll be okay, I promise.’

I let him soothe me and we walk together back up to the house.