My Own Kind of Freedom

Chapter 8 My Own Kind of Lie

He gave Zoë a kiss on the cheek, got up, and dressed. She rolled over and sighed. He smiled, made his way to the bridge, and leaned back in the pilot’s chair. He partially woke up Serenity and did some checks: nothing on the perimeter, no transmissions had come in. Good.

He tapped the intercom. “How we doing, Kaylee?”

After about ten seconds, her voice came back. “Just about there. She should be smoother into and out of real grav now. If you can give me another ten minutes, she’ll be ready to fly.”

“Okay. So far as I know, we aren’t going anywhere right away.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“I wish I knew.”

He sat facing the front window.

There had been times he had wanted to smack Mal hard. There had been times he would probably have done so, if he hadn’t known that Mal could and would have pummeled him into the deck without breaking a sweat. But this was different; there was something wrong with Mal, and whatever it was, it was working its way through every aspect of life on Serenity. It was like trying to fly with controls that might do what you expected, or might do something entirely different. No one could fly like that.

He’d been scared before. Many times. He’d been scared the first time he’d soloed, on his first (and only) combat mission, and more times than he could count since joining this crew. But this was different; this was intangible, and therefore much worse; this was a fear he couldn’t look at it. Something was wrong, and therefore something bad was liable to happen, and there was no telling what.

He stared out through the window, wishing he had some sort of idea, until one of the small red lights below the nav started flashing.

The intercom crackled and Wash’s voice emerged from it. “Mal, we have a visitor.”

His eyes still closed, he found the button, pushed it. “I’ll be right up.”

He opened his eyes, heaved himself up and made his way to the bridge. Wash was staring at the console, fine tuning.

“Some sort of armored vehicle,” he said. “About half a click away, coming on slow. Should I deploy the guns?”

“We don’t have any guns.”

“Oh, right. I keep forgetting that. Why don’t we have any guns?”

“How long to warm up and go?”

“Uh… two minutes, if Kaylee is ready.”

If Kaylee is ready, thought Mal. Well, she’d said a couple of hours, and that usually meant ninety minutes. He checked the clock, then hit the intercom.

“Kaylee, we ready?”

“Any time, Cap’n.”

“Take us up as soon as you can, Wash?”

“Out of the world?” he asked, even as he was running through the warm up.

“No, we’re just going to scoot a bit.”

Wash didn’t answer. It looked like something was bothering him, but there was no time to worry about it now.

“Wash, give me sound.”

It took Mal a moment to identify the sound of trees rustling in the wind, followed by a low motorized hum.

“Is it in sight yet, Wash?”

“Uh… no. But it has to be close. I’m trying to bring it… there it is.”

“Yeah, all right. Armored car, single-mount squatter on it. Could be worse.”

“How?”

“Well, the squat could be pointed at us.”

“Isn’t it… ?

“Yeah, it’s turning. Are we warm?”

“We’re warm.”

“Go.”

Wash pushed the throttle and a roar filled the bridge.

“Mafan ni ba waitou de shengyin guandiao, Mal?” said Wash.

Mal reached forward clicked off the external, and the sound abruptly died.

“Thank you,” said Wash.

“Bring us up to five clicks.”

Zoë came in to the bridge. “So, we’re leaving?”

“We’re avoiding a squatter,” said Mal.

“A squatter, sir?” Zoë frowned, and Mal saw her mind working.

“Mounted on what looked like a frog, unmodified.”

Mal watched her mind work, reconstructing the frog, and when they’d last faced one, and putting things together, and then deciding not to ask any questions.

“Bring us to the other side of town, then set us down.”

“Mal, you think it was Sakarya?”

Count on Wash to ask the question Zoë chose not to.

“If it isn’t, I’m curious about who else has access to old military gear. If it is, I’m curious about why he bothered paying us first.”

“Oh. Good then,” said Wash. “And just why are we setting down again, seeing as how we’re paid and all?”

Count on Wash to ask the question Zoë had been choosing not to ask all day.

“The client,” he said at last. “Sakarya. There are things about him, what he’s doing. I want to find out a little more before we leave.”

“Oh, you mean, he might not be a real nice guy, like most of the people we work for?”

Mal glanced at him, but didn’t answer.

“Mal, when did this become our business?”

“When—”

He broke off. “Just set us down, Wash.”

“Yes, sir, Captain, sir.”

Mal clamped his mouth shut. He felt Zoë not looking at him. Serenity began her descent.

“Huh,” said Wash. “I don’t know what Kaylee did, but this is smoother. I hadn’t even noticed the jerkiness until it was gone.”

Serenity touched the ground with barely a nudge, then settled like a cat.

“Want her to sleep, Mal?”

“Same as before. Save some fuel. I don’t expect to be off world for a while, yet.”

“Then you’ve decided, sir?” said Zoë.

“I’ve decided I at least want to know more. We’ll stay here and get some sleep until morning, and see if they come back. If they do, take us up again.”

“Mal, why don’t we do some checking on this guy? I can at least see what’s public on the Cortex.”

“No, there’s no point… yes there is. Good idea. Do that.”

What am I afraid I’ll find out? he wondered.

The next morning, when Simon thought he was the only one awake, Zoë came walking through the dining room, a distracted look on her face.

He said, “Are we taking off soon?” Zoë stopped and looked at him. He continued, “We seem to have gone up, then back down. I’m wondering—”

“I don’t know. We learned something, but I don’t know what effect it will have on the Captain’s decision.”

“Learned something? You mean, in the last few minutes?”

“Last night. Wash did some checking on the Cortex.”

“Oh. What did we learn?”

“We learned that Sakarya is a right bastard.”

“Sakarya?”

“The guy we delivered the lumber for.”

“Oh. What difference does that make? I mean, we’ve worked for plenty of right bastards before.”

“Not on this level. He owns everything on this side of the mountain, and runs it like a slave camp. They dig the bauxite, send it away for processing, and move the topsoil to his farms. He’s making money hand over fist from the mines here, and slave-labor on the farms. Most of the kids work on the farms.”

“Kids?”

“Ages eight and up. Sometimes younger, if they’re big.”

“Aren’t there laws against that?”

“Supposedly. Anyway, it isn’t pretty. In Yuva, where he lives, we don’t see the worst of it. I don’t think we want to.”

“I still don’t see—”

“Neither do I. There’s something more, and I haven’t figured out what it is.”

“Something more?”

“The Captain is, well, it’s like something’s bitten him. It isn’t just being here, there’s something else. Something he saw on the Cortex.”

“Didn’t you—?”

“He quashed it after he looked at it.”

“You could—”

“Yes, but I won’t.”

“What did you mean about being here?”

“This world. Hera.”

“What is it… Oh. Yes. This is where it is, isn’t it?”

“Beg pardon?”

“Serenity Valley. It’s here, isn’t it?”

“Other side of the world.”

He nodded. “Is that affecting the Captain? I mean, being here again?”

“This is the second time we’ve been here since the war. It didn’t seem to bother him much the first time.”

“That’s something I’m never going to understand. I mean, what it must have been like.”

“No, you never will.”

“What about you? I mean, does it affect you to be back here?”

“Are you a trauma specialist, or a psychiatrist, doctor?”

“Just curious.”

“Can you be curious about something else?”

“Yes. Are we going to be out of here before the feds show up looking for River?”

“Has the Captain ever failed to see that River was safe since you signed on?”

“No. But the Captain hasn’t been himself lately.”

“As long as he hasn’t become Jayne, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“It’s hard not to worry.”

“How has she been?”

They always asked that, and he never knew how to answer. How has she been? Compared with what? Ten years ago? Ten minutes ago? Did they want to know if she was recovering, or just if she were about to do something crazy?

“There haven’t been any, uh, incidents. But she says things that I can’t follow, but that I’m sure make a sort of sense to her. It’s like trying to crack a code.”

“That’s been going on for a while.”

“More since we landed here. She talks about ghosts, and maps.”

Zoë nodded. “If she’s looking for ghosts, she came to the right world.”

“I imagine. But when she talks about ghosts, I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense.”

“No, ghosts don’t make sense. What’s your point?”

“Shepherd Book told me about a time she tore his Bible apart. Literally. Ripped pages out of it, because it didn’t make sense.”

“And?”

“And how do you rip apart the Bible because it doesn’t make sense, but still believe in ghosts?”

Zoë leaned against the table, folded her arms, and studied him. “Doctor, aren’t you asking too much, when you expect her to be consistent?”

He sighed. How to explain? He’d been more and more getting the feeling that, in her own way, she was consistent. But Zoë wasn’t someone who responded well to people having feelings about things.

“I think she’s using ‘ghost’ as a metaphor,” he said at last.

“A metaphor for what?”

“I don’t know. Maybe something she’s afraid of.”

“So, what is she afraid of?”

“Being caught and sent back.”

Zoë nodded.

“And,” said Simon, “I think she’s afraid I’ll resent her.”

“Do you?”

“Are you a soldier, or a psychiatrist?”

“Just curious. Do you resent her?”

“No…”

“I heard a ‘but’ there.”

“I’m afraid someday I might.”

“Let someday take care of itself, doctor. We have to worry about today.”

“I know,” he said. “I know.”

“Well nuts,” she said to the empty engine room. “We never cleared atmo; how am I supposed to know if this works?”

Serenity was back on the ground, and seemed as disappointed about it as Kaylee. Serenity wanted to fly; she enjoyed flying. Sitting on the ground was something she had to do once in a while to get the wherewithal she needed to swim through the black.

Kaylee sighed.

She re-checked her work on the I-grav, and it seemed fine. What kept going through her mind was what would happen if she’d made some silly mistake: the first sign would be a shimmy, and then Wash would notice that he was having trouble getting lift, and then the grav-boot would just quit, and then…

Wash was a good enough pilot to give them a good landing on jets alone; she was sure of it.

But it wasn’t about crashing and dying; Serenity would never do that. It was about all the little things that, if she got them wrong, might leave Serenity where she was now, on the ground; might leave her consigned to the scrap heap, and all of them without a home. The Captain took care of the crew, but without the ship, there was no crew to take care of; and that meant, suddenly, she was no more. They were all nowhere.

She hated these times when they were just sitting, giving her too much time to think.

She re-checked her work on the I-grav one more time.

Sometimes she dreamed that they were staring at her, from the inside. Sometimes she dreamed that they were walking around inside of her, poking her with needles. Sometimes she dreamed that Serenity was inside of her mind, which was inside of the Academy, which was inside of her mind. When that happened, she became confused.

Then she’d wake up, and she’d feel the drugs running through her, and she’d wonder what they were doing. She’d become lucid, for a while, and remind herself that she had to trust her brother, but then he would change into hands with tubes and needles, and she’d see things with her ears, or know things without knowing how; there would be voices that the drugs couldn’t keep quiet.

Sometimes the voices just spoke; sometimes they whispered, and sometimes they sang. When they spoke, it was to ask her questions she didn’t understand. When they whispered, it was secrets she didn’t want to know. When they sang, it was all numbers, and she heard the truth of the numbers but didn’t dare believe them.

And then the voices would be quiet again, leaving her with the drugs and the memories of white tile and steel and long tubes and sensations that wouldn’t go into any categories, leaving her inside of herself like a cat in a rain-soaked cardboard box.

Then the effects of the drugs would fade, leaving her with only her memories.

Then she would huddle on her bed and shiver.

She stood there and waited; he appeared in about three minutes. “I’m ready, sir,” she said.

“So I see. What are you ready for?”

“To go look around, see if we can find out what’s going on.”

“I do believe I’m becoming predictable.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Let’s go, then.”

The doors slid open, and for the hundredth time, she noticed how slowly the ramp seemed to descend at times like this. For the hundredth time, she wondered how it was that she was still alive, not to mention having the use of both eyes, both ears, and all four limbs. Hell, she wasn’t even all that scarred up.

And her man liked the scars she had.

Focus, Zoë!

“Town is that way.”

Zoë nodded, turned to match the Captain’s stride, then stopped. The Captain went on a pace, then stopped himself. “What is it, Zoë?”

“Sir, did you leave instructions?”

“Instructions for—?”

“For when that big moving cannon shows up here and starts shooting at Serenity while we’re in town.”

The Captain blinked. “Right. Those instructions.” He picked up his portable comm unit. “Wash?”

It crackled. “Yes, Mal?”

“Keep the boat warm. If there’s trouble, get up and out and keep the ship safe.”

“All right.”

“Wash?”

“Yes?”

“That’s an order.”

“Okay.”

“That means that, if you decide to ignore it again, and put my boat at risk, I will come back and break both of your arms.”

“Mal, I can’t fly with broken arms.”

“Make it legs, then.”

“Okay, legs I can deal with.”

“Wash, do it.”

“All right. Understood.”

“Say it back.”

“If there’s trouble here, I’ll get Serenity up and safe.”

“Out.” He clicked off the comm. “Think he’ll do it, Zoë?”

“Fifty-fifty, sir.”

“Gaisi fanshang de wangba… All right.”

They continued walking toward Yuva. The weight of the weapon at her hip comforted her.

“Sir, mind if I ask what we’re going to do?”

“Don’t mind at all.”

After another half a dozen steps she said, “I take it that you don’t have a plan.”

“Don’t I always have a plan?”

“No, sir. You usually make it up as you go.”

“That’s not true. I’ve had a lot of plans.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It’s just that they don’t always work out exactly.”

“Yes, sir.”

“My plan, such as it is, is to poke around and see if something comes up. In particular, I’d like to have a talk with Jayne.”

“With Jayne, sir?”

“Do you know how much of this he set off?”

“No…”

“Neither do I. And I’d like to.”

“What do you think he might have done?”

“What were we all thinking he’d do?”

“Call in the feds on River and the doctor. But how could that have had anything to do with this?”

“I have no idea. And I’m a bit curious too. Aren’t you?”

“Now that you mention it, yes I am.”

They continued walking.

How often had she wondered what would happen if and when she and Jayne had to face off? Well, now it might happen. She discovered that she was mildly curious, but not especially nervous about the idea.

“Any worries, Zoë?”

“Worries, sir?”

“About Jayne.”

How did he keep doing that?

“No, sir.”

No, a fight with Jayne wasn’t what she was worried about; that would go as it went. But, as she walked, she did what she had done a hundred times before: she prayed to a God in whom she just barely believed that she wouldn’t let the Captain down.