My Life as a White Trash Zombie

Chapter 30

As soon as Dr. Leblanc finished up and returned to the main building I called Scott Funeral Home and asked for Kang, only to be told he wasn’t coming in until noon and no, they could not give me his personal information or cell phone number. I left a message asking him to call me. I didn’t know what else I could do.

I cleaned everything I could possibly think to clean in the morgue, obsessively checking the clock every five minutes. I could feel my coordination going to shit the more I did, but I was too wired and nervous to sit still. At 12:05 I called again. It took forever for him to come to the phone, and I was beginning to think I should have given a name other than my own.

“Angel, what’s the matter now?” Kang said curtly after he finally picked up the line. I fought back the wave of annoyance and took a deep breath.

“Two things,” I said, speaking quickly. “First, I dunno if you’ve seen the news, but another headless body was found the other day.”

“I saw. So?”

Another deep breath. “They haven’t released the names of these last two,” I said. “But, they were both, um, like us.” God, I hoped no one was listening on the line.

He was silent for a few seconds, and I felt a little bit of satisfaction that I’d made a dent in his attitude.

“Probably coincidence,” he said, deflating my satisfaction completely.

“Are you kidding me?” I said, struggling to keep from shouting. “This last one was Zeke! They all had their goddamned heads chopped off. And you think it’s coincidence?”

“Fine,” he replied, voice taut. “It’s a problem. What do you want me to do about it?”

You’re an asshole! I wanted to scream, but I hadn’t asked him for the brains yet. I took a deep breath to get my temper in check. “Nothing. I simply figured you might want to be aware. Okay? So you could, um, watch out and shit.”

I heard him exhale. “I see. All right. I appreciate your concern, though it’s misplaced. No one knows about me.”

And the three victims probably thought the same thing, I thought, but I wasn’t going to waste energy arguing with Kang about this. I’d warned him. Hopefully he’d at least watch his back now.

“What’s your second thing?” Kang asked.

“I, uh, I’m in a bind with my supply. Lost my whole stash. I need some to tide me over.”

He made a noise that sounded scornful. “Figured. Fine, come by the funeral home after we close at seven P.M. I need to work late anyway.”

Shit. I was starving, and I didn’t want to have to wait until this evening. It had been three days since I’d last eaten. But I also didn’t really have any choice. Kang was so damn twitchy I didn’t dare push the issue. “Cool,” I said. “I appreciate it.”

“Uh huh. Come after seven.” And with that he hung up.

The next seven hours were the longest hours of my entire fucking life. I drove to the park, found a shady place and sat curled up in the front seat of my car—trying unsuccessfully to nap and not move or do anything that might burn me out faster than absolutely necessary. I had the windows rolled down to keep the car from getting too stifling, but as the day progressed the scent of joggers and people walking their dogs grew more and more noticeable. Hunger roiled within me every time someone went by and the scent of their brains wafted through the car. I finally rolled the windows up and forced myself to endure the stuffiness and my own stench.

The hunger wound through every cell of my body—so much a part of me, I felt as if everyone could see it. Colors and sounds felt muted, but one thing cut through my sense of smell: brains. Brains in everyone around me. Pulsing with life and flavor. God almighty, all I needed was to club one of them down, feed while it was still warm . . .

I shuddered, clenching my jaw against the urges. I wasn’t that far gone yet. I was still aware. Surely I had a couple more days until the hunger ruled me? Zeke had been out of work for a couple of weeks, right? Except I already knew he hadn’t been without brains that entire time. I was pretty damn positive he’d killed that drug dealer and Mr. Harris. And if he’d had a stash he might have only been without brains for a few days.

But according to Kang that’s all it would take—he’d said that things started to go south pretty quickly after only a few days.

That’s me—going south.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through my mouth, but that only caused my lower lip to crack in a disgusting fissure that made me look like I had some sort of hideous deformity. I would have cried but my eyes could barely maintain enough moisture to allow me to see.

At a quarter ’til seven I uncurled and started the car, nursing a dull fury as I drove over to the funeral home. Kang was being a complete dick making me wait like this. And I didn’t have a fucking choice but to take it, which pissed me off even more. He had access to more brains than I did by a long shot. Most deaths didn’t require autopsy. In the less than six weeks I’d been working for the Coroner’s Office, I’d seen at least half the bodies released on scene, plus the funeral homes got everyone who died at the nursing homes and hospitals. Sure, most of those were natural deaths, which usually meant they were older. And okay, so older brains didn’t taste as great, but, seriously, once you added some flavor or spice—like my soup—it didn’t make that much difference.

The thought made me giggle in a silly, almost hysterical way. Maybe I needed to start making recipes for brains. Something more than throwing some tomato soup or coffee in. And maybe there was something that could be done for brains that were decomposing and liquefying. Brain soup? Vichyssoise? I didn’t know if decomposing brains still had the enzyme, or whatever the hell it was, that zombies needed, but at some point I’d probably have to try it. What was the worst that could happen? I’d die?

I snickered again as I pulled around to the back of the funeral home. There was only one car parked there. I hoped and assumed it was Kang’s. I hadn’t even considered that other people could be working at this time—simply assumed that had to be why he wanted me to come by this late, after everyone else was gone. Hell, I hadn’t been thinking about much at all, trying to rely on stupid instinct. And right now my instinct wanted me to club passing joggers down and scoop their brains out.

I should have come to Kang sooner, I realized. I was desperate now, and he’d see it. He’d ask for anything, and I’d give it to him. Already my skin felt as if it was about to slip off my bones.

Fuck it. Lesson learned. I was getting a lot of those lately.

I rapped on the back door, waited, mentally rehearsing what I was going to say. Or rather, trying to mentally rehearse. It was kinda tough to do since I had no idea what I wanted to say.

I rapped again, tried the handle. To my relief it was unlocked. I sure as hell didn’t want to turn around and leave. I didn’t have anywhere else to go at this point.

“Hey, Kang?” I called tentatively as I stepped in. He’d better have the brains here for me. I’d fight him for them if I had to.

I suddenly realized that my hands were tightened into fists. I forced myself to unclench them. Kang would come through for me. I knew that much. He’d charge me through the nose, but he’d come through for me.

I got a faint whiff of brains as I came down the hall, but it was mixed with an undercurrent of something I couldn’t immediately pin down. I entered the embalming room and wrinkled my nose. I knew what that other scent was now. There was a body on the table that had apparently recently been embalmed. When a body came straight to the funeral home the brains stayed nice and safe in the skull. They weren’t conveniently sliced up and put in a bag, ready for the taking. But I could barely smell brains in this body, which made me think that most of them had already been removed.

How does Kang get the brains out? I suddenly wondered, frowning down at the body. I didn’t see any sign that he’d drilled a hole in the skull. It would be easy enough to fill something like that in with wax or putty or something, but then there’d be the risk that someone else might notice. Maybe through the nose? Wasn’t that how the Egyptians did it? Now I was curious.

“Kang?” I called again. I moved through the embalming room, surrounded by the low hum of the cooler. I frowned as another odor cut through the faint scent of brains. Coppery and. . . .

Blood. A sliver of fear wormed through me. That had to be a lot of blood for it to get through my dulled senses.

I came around the corner and let out an involuntary scream that would have done any horror movie teenage camper proud. Gasping raggedly for breath, I shuffled backwards, away from the headless corpse and the broad dark pool surrounding it. He hasn’t been dead long, an oddly rational part of my mind informed me. The blood didn’t look like it had coagulated much, and still dripped from the stump of neck in large, slow plops. Not even an hour, probably.

That’s Kang, a more freaked-out part of my mind shrieked. That’s Kang.

Someone was definitely hunting zombies. There was no way I could deny it now.

I backed away as panic and horror closed my throat. Where am I going to get brains? I thought, instantly shamed and miserable that I was so concerned with myself at this moment.

What if the cops thought I did this? That was probably a bigger concern right now. I needed to get the hell out of here. Wipe down the doorknobs for fingerprints.

Oh, Angel, you are so fucked.

I couldn’t stay and call the cops. I knew that. Not with me falling apart and smelling like this. I knew that running away from the scene would only make me look guilty as fucking hell if anyone ever knew I was here, but I didn’t see that I had a choice. Besides, no one would really think that I managed to do this, right? I mean, for fuck’s sake, he outweighed me by at least fifty pounds. At the worst I’d get in trouble for not reporting it, and I could claim that I was afraid the killer was still nearby.

Oh, god . . . . That thought nearly sent me into a blind panic. I reached for the wall, took several heaving breaths to keep from freaking out. No, stop. I needed to try and think like someone with a fucking ounce of intelligence.

But, god, I was so hungry.

Taking a shaking breath, I straightened. He’d told me to meet him here. Surely that meant he had brains to give me.

I spun and returned to the embalming room. I’d seen gloves in a box on the wall. I quickly snagged a pair and pulled them on, tugged another pair on over those. I’d seen something on one of my nifty crime shows where the cops had recovered prints even though the perp had worn latex gloves. I had no idea if that was true but I didn’t see any reason to risk it.

Moving as quickly as I could, I searched for anything that looked like it might contain brains—cooler, refrigerator, anything. I could feel a clock ticking in the back of my head, telling me I’d already been there too long, and I needed to get the hell out.Kang had been convinced no one knew he was a zombie, but he’d been wrong. Hell, everyone who bought brains from him had to know, right? And the only one who knew I was one was Kang . . . and whoever made me, I reluctantly reminded myself. But whoever was doing this must have had some way of discovering that Zeke and Pizza Guy and Sweet Bayou Road dude were zombies. And maybe the reason my zombie-daddy never contacted me was because he’d been whacked by this killer.

Panic rose as I searched everywhere I could think of and still couldn’t find any brains. I’ve been here too long, I told myself, nearly sobbing at the realization that I was going to have to leave empty-handed.

Maybe he hadn’t planned on giving me any. I forced myself to consider the thought. But the whole brain thing was his business, which meant he had to have some saved up somewhere, right? Maybe they were at his house—wherever the fuck that was.

I made myself go back into the hallway, somehow avoiding stepping in the pool of blood while I tugged Kang’s wallet out of his back pocket. I memorized the address on his license and replaced his wallet. I just had to hope the address was current.

Grabbing a towel, I hurriedly wiped down every surface I could have possibly touched before I’d pulled on the gloves. I cautiously peeked out the back door to make sure no one was nearby, walked oh-so casually to my car, pulse slamming in near panic the entire distance. There wasn’t another soul around—I was so hungry that if any living human had been within fifty yards I’d have been able to smell them. Great, one more zombie super power—I was a goddamn life detector when I was hungry enough.

I dropped the towel into the back seat, peeled off the gloves, got the hell out of there. I drove in random directions for about fifteen minutes, gritting my teeth against the awareness of brains all around me. I finally ducked behind a grocery store and tossed the gloves and the towel into a dumpster.

I drove away, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as the hunger thrashed and growled. A glance at myself in the rear view mirror sent a chill through me. Skin was peeling off my forehead, and my complexion had a greenish-grey cast. My left eye was starting to cloud over, which explained why I was having some trouble seeing out of it. Thank god it was dusk. Somehow I’d completely lost the flesh off the pinky and ring fingers on my right hand. Probably when I’d pulled the gloves off.

Brains. The thought consumed me. I drove hunched down in the seat to keep anyone from seeing me, operating the car on instinct more than anything. Luckily I was familiar with Kang’s neighborhood. I wasn’t sure I had the mental focus right now to be able to read a map.

Slowing at a corner, I watched as an elderly woman pulled a wheeled cart of groceries down the sidewalk. She’d be easy to take down. Probably couldn’t run or anything. I could break her neck before she could make much noise, drag her into that backyard. There was no one else nearby right now. I could bust her skull open with a brick or one of those stones bordering the flowerbed. God, it would taste like heaven.

The honk from behind me jerked me back to myself. My gaze shot to the rear view mirror to see a Lexus and a glowering man behind the steering wheel. To my shock I realized that I’d opened my door. Oh god . . . I was about to do it. I was going to attack that woman.

The man behind me honked again. I hurriedly slammed my door shut and stomped on the gas, terror and panic briefly overwhelming the hunger. Get to Kang’s house, I repeated to myself, clinging to that thought like a lifeline. Don’t look at anyone. Don’t give the hunger a reason to take over. This was how a zombie went rogue. Now I understood. With terrifying clarity, I understood.

I managed to maintain enough self-preservation to park on the next street over instead of pulling into Kang’s driveway. Tugging my jacket down over my rotting hands, I stepped out of the car. There were a few people in the area, but no one outside. Hopefully no one was looking out a window. Walking as casually as I could, I ducked between the houses. A ditch separated Kang’s backyard from that of the house behind his, but daylight was almost gone and there were trees which would give me some cover.

I paused before covering the distance to his back door, took a deep breath, scenting. No one in the house as far as I could tell. No one in the adjacent houses either. A couple of houses down there was a man in his backyard having a smoke behind a privacy fence.

“Get to Kang’s,” I muttered, forcing myself forward instead of toward the man in his backyard. I’d never had anything resembling willpower before now. Never been able to convince myself to stop taking the pills, or keep a job, or clean up my house. But I was going to fucking break my willpower in right now. I won’t become a monster. I can’t.

The back door was solid, but also had window panes in it. Silently praying that Kang didn’t have an alarm system, I pulled my jacket sleeve all the way over my hand and punched through the glass in one of the panes. Reaching through to unlock the door, I could feel dimly that the glass had sliced into my hand and arm. But it didn’t hurt. Dark, thick blood welled up sluggishly from the slices then stopped. I tucked my arm further up into my sleeve. I wasn’t about to put myself in any danger of dripping blood anywhere.

I wasn’t greeted with a shrieking siren when I pushed the door open, and I didn’t see a control pad anywhere, so at least that much was going all right. I made my way to the kitchen and went straight to the fridge. He had it well-stocked and it was obvious that he enjoyed cooking, but my zombie super-sense of smell didn’t twig to any stash of brains in there. Still, I opened every container and took a deep whiff to be sure. I checked the freezer next, heart sinking at the sight of about a dozen boxes of frozen pizza but no bags or containers or anything that could hold brains.

This didn’t make sense. Where the hell did he keep his stash? Fighting panic, I prowled through the house, searching for anything that could function as a cooler or a fridge. I thought I struck gold when I found the deep freeze out in the garage, but disappointment threatened to crush me again when I saw that it was full of more frozen dinners.

I stumbled back into the house. If I’d been able to cry I’d have been sobbing in frustration. This couldn’t be happening to me. He had to have brains somewhere. What if he kept them somewhere else? A storage unit or something like that? If that was the case, I was totally fucked. I couldn’t go outside again. I barely made it in here without giving in to the hunger and killing someone. I slowly sat down on the kitchen floor, staring dully at the high quality pots and pans hanging from the rack above the range. Maybe it would be for the best if the zombie killer got me, I thought dully. I didn’t want to be a murderer. Best to take me out before I killed anyone. It wouldn’t be hard to find me. Follow the brains. Hell, if I was hunting zombies, that’s what I’d do—find their food source.

Food.

I clambered back to my feet. Why the hell would someone who loved to cook have so many frozen dinners? I pulled the freezer open and yanked the top box off the stack, noting absently that it was for some sort of diet entrée. Moron. That should have been your first clue. I ripped the top of the box off, pulled the plastic open, inhaled. I hadn’t smelled it earlier because they were frozen and sealed in plastic, but now I knew I’d struck gold.

I didn’t bother heating it. I didn’t care if they were frozen, though I giggled stupidly as I shoved the frozen brains into my mouth. Brain freeze! Sensation returned in my mouth first, protesting the cold that I was forcing into my body. I was dimly aware that there was real food mixed in—rice and meat and flavoring. Properly heated it would probably be fantastic. I didn’t care about fantastic at the moment. The real food in it was almost annoying since it got in the way of the brains, but I continued to cram it into my mouth as fast as I could. Slowly the bliss began to spread through my body, and I found myself crying from the agonizing relief. I felt like one of those shirts that only show color in sunlight—and I was getting a tan now, baby.

I ate until I couldn’t possibly stuff in another bite and the hunger had curled into sated, sleepy comfort. The rest of me followed suit shortly after.

I experienced an instant of sheer panic when I woke and found myself on an unfamiliar kitchen floor. Memory clicked into place a few seconds later at the sight of several empty Lean Menu boxes scattered around me, and I allowed myself to relax a bit. It was still dark outside and the clock on the stove read 3:17. And I haven’t been beheaded by a zombie killer yet, I thought with a shaky smile. Things are looking better.

I crumpled the empty boxes into the trash, then found a large clean garbage bag. That’s probably why I couldn’t find the brains at the funeral home, I realized with chagrin as I dumped the “frozen dinners” from both freezers into the bag. I could barely smell them packaged and frozen like this. Oh, well. I sure as hell wasn’t going to go back to the funeral home and look for them. I had no idea if Kang’s body had been found yet, but considering that no cops had shown up here, I was going to keep operating on the theory that it hadn’t been. Guilt tightened my stomach at the thought of his body still lying in that hallway. But there was no way for me to report the murder without getting myself into trouble, I told myself. Certainly not last night when I was rotting and falling apart. And I couldn’t do it now. What excuse would I have for finding him at three in the morning?

I sent up a silent apology to Kang. He’d have understood. He’d have done the same thing, I thought with a sad smile. He was too much of a mercenary to put himself at risk.

Pausing at the back door, I grimaced at the broken glass. That looked suspicious as all hell. I sighed and swept my gaze around. I’d been a moron and gone all over the place with no gloves. Screw it. If by some chance the cops came here and found my prints, I’d just lie and say that Kang and I were friends and I’d been here before.

Working quickly, I swept up the glass and dumped it under the empty frozen dinner boxes in the trash. Next, I fashioned a repair for the back window out of duct tape and cardboard that would hopefully have any cops believing it was old damage. After all, what intruder would bother to patch the hole they’d made in glass? Plus, if they searched the house, they wouldn’t find any valuables missing.

I hefted the bag of brains, locked the back door at the knob and closed it behind me, took a deep breath to see if anyone was nearby. I blew it out a second later with a roll of my eyes. Zombie super-smell didn’t work anywhere near as well when I wasn’t starving. Yeah, well, I’ll gladly trade not-rotten for super-smell, I decided as I took off in a sprint for my car. I was fully tanked up now, and even with what was probably thirty pounds of frozen brain-dinners weighing me down, I ran like the wind. I figured it was better to look suspicious because I was running with a garbage bag than to look suspicious because I was walking with a garbage bag, because at least there’d be less time for anyone to notice me while I was running.

My car was still where I’d left it. A moment later I was driving away, grinning in relief and triumph.