Midnight Robber

How Tan-Tan Learn to Thief

Try and stretch out your spine straight. It go ease some of the pressure. Cho. I forget, you don’t really understand what I talking about. Oh, but you doing it anyway. Yes, like so.

Well. The first time Tan-Tan hear anybody tell a ’nansi story about she, she was a big woman living in exile on New Half-Way Tree.

’Nansi story? Another time I go tell you about Brer Anansi, the spider man, the trickster. So much you have to learn! But me go teach you.

So anyway, Tan-Tan had was to stop off for a while in one of the prison colonies to trade smoked tree frog for a good knife. Come evening time, she was sitting on a box carton in a beat-up marketplace, eating two boiled gully hen eggs with some salt, when she hear the local griot spinning a tale for the pickney-them. And this is what she say:

Gather round, gather round, pickney! Come around, come around, pickney! Night come and work done; time for story now!

Come Patrick, my doux-doux, Mamee nice child. You is the littlest one; sit down right here beside Granny. Jocelyn and Sita, come! Oonuh not too old for listen to story, you know! Yes, all of you, sit.

Well, pickney, what story I must tell allyou today? Tan-Tan, you say? You want a story about Tan-Tan, the Robber Queen; the Midnight Thief with the heart of gold; the woman who had was to save two life for every one she take; the exile on New Half-Way Tree, this prison planet? All right; I go tell oonuh a Tan-Tan story: this one name “How Tan-Tan Learn to Thief.”

Long time before, Tan-Tan was queen of the Taino people, and she live on the moon with she father, the king Antonio.

Each day Queen Tan-Tan and King Antonio stand outside the palace doors and call upon all the Tainos to sing praises of Kabo Tano, the Ancient One who give to them light and dark and all good things. For the moon where they living was a wondrous place, a magical place. It shine like silver and gold all over, and the Taino people-them was rich and prosperous, oui? Kabo Tano give them food to eat, and make them strong: star apple, and guavas yellow and round like the moon it own self, and mamee apples, big and sweet and sun-orange inside. Now, Kabo Tano had make his people this way; as long as them eat what he gift them with, him could hear them when them call out to he. In them there days, Taino people ain’t learn yet to kill animals for food. Is only plants and roots and fruits and vegetables them eat.

Tan-Tan and Antonio had everything them want. Them live in a castle with plenty servants and thing. The walls of the castle could talk.

The two of them would travel through streets paved with marble, in a cloud carriage that didn’t even self touch the ground, oui? It float through the air. You don’t believe me? But is the simple truth I telling you, oui?

Tan-Tan had a maid to bring she nice things, name of Ione, though sometimes people would call she Janisette. Tan-Tan had beautiful silk clothes for she body, and somebody to comb she hair. She spend she days playing jacks in the palace. Toss up the ball: Whee! Thief the jacks out from under it: Swips! The ball bounce: Bap! She catch it in she hand: Wap! Then she do it all over again. Tan-Tan could thief eight jacks out from under the ball before it bounce, and never miss a catch. And if the ball ever make fast and roll away, Tan-Tan and she maid would run to chase it, laughing as them search under the mahogany settee and the four-poster bed and thing in Tan-Tan bedroom.

King Antonio was a sorcerer too, seen. He give Tan-Tan a magic glass so that if she want he, she only had was to look in the glass and say, “Antonio, oh! Antonio!” and him face would appear.

“You calling my name, doux-doux? What my sweetness want?”

Tan-Tan would talk back to the glass. “Daddy, please Daddy, if is not too much trouble, I could have a new dolly?” (Tan-Tan was a nice child who did mind she manners, like allyou must do.) Next thing she know, a servant would come through the doors, carrying a new dolly on a silk pillow. And Tan-Tan would say thanks to the servant, for she daddy teach she always to be polite and never to put sheself above other people. She had a favourite dolly; the one wearing a red silk cape, black toreador pants, a white bandit shirt, and carrying two little tiny guns in holsters strap round it tiny waist.

King Antonio love he daughter can’t done. He swear say the brightness of the moon shine from Tan-Tan eyes. If anything make Tan-Tan cry, for him is like bitter rain falling over the whole moon and him couldn’t take no pleasure in him life until he make she happy again.

Now, when the Taino people look up into the sky, them could see other worlds floating all round them in space, pretty-pretty. Some yellow, some red, and some blue. Some gold and some silver, and all of them shining and clean, just like the moon where they living.

One night Tan-Tan was standing with she daddy outside the palace, gazing into the sky and admiring the beautiful worlds that great Kabo Tano make all round them. And Tan-Tan notice something she never see there before, for it was so dark and dingy it get hide in the brightness coming from the other worlds. The something was a ball like the shiny pretty worlds, but dusty and dull.

“Daddy, is what that one there?”

“It name Earth, sweetheart.”

Next night, Earth look even worse. By the third night, Tan-Tan couldn’t bear to look at it no more. It was spoiling the view. “Daddy, how come the Earth so dirty?”

“It make of dirt, my darling. It ain’t have nobody there to clean it.”

So Tan-Tan know what she have for do. “Daddy, please Daddy, is not right we let it get like that. If is not too much trouble, I want to go to the Earth and scrub it clean.”

Well, King Antonio heart too soft to say no to he one daughter, but he ’fraid too bad to let she go to Earth alone.

“All right,” he say, “but a queen can’t go anywhere without she king, so I go come with you to keep you safe.”

Then Tan-Tan laugh and clap she two hands, and give she daddy a big kiss on he cheek.

Tan-Tan and she maid Ione prepare everything for scrubbing the Earth clean. Them fill up a big basket with broom, and duster, and mop and bucket, and plenty, plenty soap.

“What about food, Mistress?” Ione ask.

“We ain’t going for long,” Tan-Tan tell she. “We go come back before we even self get hungry.”

“Mistress, take this cutlass at least. You never know when you might need to defend yourself.” And the maid gave Tan-Tan a cutlass with a blade that would never get dull.

Come early the next morning, Tan-Tan and Ione load the big basket into King Antonio best cloud chariot, the one that could fly through the air so smooth, you ain’t even know when you leave and when you reach. The seats did soft as cotton, and when the night air get too cold on you, you could pull a piece of cloud over you to warm you like a blanket.

All the Taino people come to wish the king and queen a safe trip. Everybody waving. King Antonio sing the special song to make the chariot fly. It lift itself gentle into the air and take off. Some little children chase after it as it float up into the sky, higher and higher until Tan-Tan couldn’t see them down on the ground no more.

Them fly past all Kabo Tano bright, shiny worlds twirling around in the air to delight the Taino people with their beauty. Them pass the world of the bristle star people, waving at them with all their plenty fingers. Them pass the world of the manicou people, hanging in the trees by their long tails. Then Antonio direct the cloud chariot towards the Earth with the power of he mind. When the two of them reach, them park the chariot in the sky and jump down to the ground.

Earth was in a bad way, oui? All she waters brown and foul. It ain’t have no people living there, only dead fish floating on the surface of the oceans and rivers, stinking up the place. The land barren too; dry and parched. Tan-Tan and Antonio watch the sun hot up a patch of Earth so much that it burst into flames. The air above Earth full with grey, oily smoke. The only thing growing was a thin, sharp grass that would cut up them feet if them not careful. The beasts on Earth gaunt and hungry, for the grass wasn’t giving them nourishment enough.

“This going to be a hard day’s work for true,” Tan-Tan say. She give Antonio the mop and bucket, and she take one of the brooms.

“Daddy, you must mop all the rivers and the oceans clean and throw out the dead fish. I go sweep the smoke from out the air.”

King Antonio grumble little bit, for king not make to do hard labour. “Why I don’t just magic it?” he say to she.

But when him try, nothing happen. Him wasn’t on the moon no more, and him obeah magic wouldn’t work. Antonio sigh and set about to clean, using him own two hands. What a bring-down for a king!

The two of them mop and sweep and scrub so till the Earth get clean and shiny again, the way Kabo Tano make it in the first place. Them throw the dirty mopping water on the parched ground, to moisten it up so it wouldn’t catch fire no more.

Tan-Tan straighten up she back and look at what them do. “Righteousness. The grass growing back thick and strong again, and the waters clean now so the fish wouldn’t poison. I hungry from all this work. Time to go home for supper. Call the chariot down, Daddy.”

But them forget that on Earth, King Antonio wasn’t no obeah man. All he call, he couldn’t make the cloud chariot come. It only floating up in the sky with the other clouds. A breeze spring up and blow the chariot away.

“What we going to do?” Tan-Tan ask. She getting frightened now.

“We have to plea to Kabo Tano, doux-doux. He go help we.”

And so them call on the Ancient One, begging he to save them. But remember, pickney, Kabo Tano could only hear he people so long as them have his food running through their veins. All like how Tan-Tan and Antonio ain’t eat for a long time, them words come out weak and soft. Kabo Tano ain’t hear them. Them call until them hoarse. No reply.

“When we don’t come home for supper, somebody from the moon go come and get we,” said Tan-Tan.

“No, darling. I is the only one could make the cloud chariots move.”

Finally night come on, and all them could do was take two-three sips of water from the river and try to sleep. King Antonio curl up tight round he daughter to keep the night chill from she body.

So every day, them wander the Earth, looking for the kind of food Kabo Tano does provide and calling his name. But it ain’t have no help for them. It had beasts on the Earth, but them couldn’t eat beasts in them there days. Tan-Tan and Antonio get meager so till them arms and legs-them look like twig, and them bellies just a-stick out with starvation.

“Kabo Tano! Hear we! Kabo Tano! Save we!”

No reply.

In desperation, them dig up some dry red soil from the ground, and use some river water to make clay. Them shape it into the shape of fruits and vegetables, hoping Kabo Tano go make them real. Nothing happen. “Maybe we must eat them first,” Tan-Tan say. So them bite into the clay food, but it was just clay. It leave a dusty taste in them mouth.

One day they climb up a mountain, thinking maybe if them get closer to the sky, Kabo Tano could hear them. Them had was to crawl, them was so weak with hunger. Them finally reach the top, and them join them voices in a last plea to Kabo Tano.

Well, pickney, Kabo Tano couldn’t hear them, but him was casting his eyes about that day, and he spy them standing on the mountaintop, leaning on each other. He mark how them belly-them swell up with hunger, and how them arms and legs thin so like twig. Kabo Tano take pity on he children, but without his food in their bellies, him couldn’t instruct them. So him cause some of the grass that did there ’bout to grow into a magic tree to sustain them. The tree had plenty-plenty branch, and each branch big so like one whole tree. Every branch had a different fruit or vegetable growing on it, a different gift from Kabo Tano: sweet brown naseberry and fat red otaheite apple; breadfruit and custard apple and peewa. In the shade under the great tree, Kabo Tano make all kind of good things grow: cassava root and yellow yam; dasheen leaf and pigeon peas; sorrel bush and grenadilla vine.

Him woulda make the tree grow on the mountaintop where Tan-Tan and Antonio was, but it was too high for good plants to grow. So he plant the tree half way between the mountain them did climb and the river where them did drink. Them would have to find it. That is why it name the half-way tree.

One more day pass and Tan-Tan and Antonio never find the half-way tree, so Kabo Tano send a wild pig as a messenger. “Go to them quick,” he say. “Tell them where the tree is.”

But the pig greedy for so, you see? Him look way up into the branches of the half-way tree and him see hog plum and jackfruit growing, and he mouth start to water. But him couldn’t climb tree with him trotter-them. So he push he nose into the ground, and root out sweet potato and yellow yam. He crunch them up with he sharp teeth. The food taste so good that he decide to keep the tree a secret. He eat so till he belly get round and hard like a drum, all the while Tan-Tan and Antonio groaning for hunger.

“Wild pig,” Kabo Tano say, “why you ain’t go to save my children yet?”

“Mm-scrumph,” the pig say through a mouthful of food. “Is a long journey, O Great One. I just eating a little bit to get some strength to climb that mountain, oui?”

The pig figure he better make the thing look good, so he climb up the mountain to where Antonio and Tan-Tan did lying. He even pass by them, but all he say to them was “Mm-scrumph,” and they ain’t pay he no mind. When Kabo Tano ask he what Tan-Tan and Antonio say, he pull a next trick.

“What? Is you that, Kabo Tano? I can’t hear you too good, oui? My belly must be getting empty again. I tell your children where it have food, but them want to lie down and rest little bit before them make the trek back down the mountain.”

And the pig went and fill he belly up again at the half-way tree.

Tan-Tan watch at the wild pig. She tummy feel like it turning inside out from hunger. “Daddy, that pig fat. Maybe he know where to find food.”

“I think you right, daughter, but I too weak to follow and see where he go.”

Tan-Tan ain’t want to leave she daddy side to go follow the pig, so she say to a woodpecker, “Bird-oi, please bird-oi, do; follow that wild pig for we, and see where he getting food, and come back and tell we.”

The woodpecker find that Queen Tan-Tan so polite and nice, it would please him to do what she ask. So see him there, a-follow the wild pig waddling through the tall grass.

But the woodpecker is a stupid bird, you see? All heart and no brains. As him follow the pig, him start to forget the route, so him only stopping and drilling hole tat-tat-tat into the trees to mark where them pass. Him was making one set of racket. Mister Wild Pig realise that somebody following he. He hide so he wouldn’t lead them to the food. The woodpecker had was to go back and tell Tan-Tan and Antonio how him lose the trail.

Tan-Tan was in despair, till she see a manicou rat slinking past. She notice how quiet the rat could go through the grass. “Mister Rat, you could help we, please?” But the manicou ain’t business with she. He just flick he tail at she and keep going. He self too want to see where that wild pig getting food, but he ain’t have no mind to bring anyone else in on the secret.

Tan-Tan still ain’t give up. She watch at how silent the manicou slip swips through the tall grass without bending a single blade, and how he climb up a rockstone quiet-quiet, wrapping he tail around it so him wouldn’t fall. Tan-Tan feel say she could be nimble and agile she self too. She choke down two-three extra handfuls of grass to give she little more strength. She pick some long blades and weave them into a pouch to hold any food she might find. Then she catch some water in she hands from the mountain spring. Some for sheself, and some for Antonio to drink.

“Daddy, lie still and guard your strength. I coming back when I find out where that wild pig getting food.”

“Kabo Tano guide you, daughter.”

And Tan-Tan set off through the bush quiet like breath, till she find the trails of the wild pig and the manicou.

As he watch the strange procession to the half-way tree, Kabo Tano realise that the wild pig had deceive he. He get vex, you see? But him couldn’t speak to Tan-Tan to advise she until she find the tree and eat from it. She had was to help sheself.

The wild pig only stopping and listening all the time to hear if anybody following he, but neither Tan-Tan nor Brother Rat ain’t make no sound at all at all. Tan-Tan follow, she follow. Them go down the mountain; Tan-Tan follow. Them cross a dead tree that had fall across a little brook; and Tan-Tan right behind them. Them go little more, and for the first time she lay eyes on the half-way tree, so big that she couldn’t see around it, and so tall that the branches-them disappear up into the sky. And the food! Tan-Tan mouth start to water when she see ripe guava and june plum hanging in the branches. She crouch down in the tall grass where the beast-them couldn’t see she.

Brother Rat twirl he whiskers in glee when he see all that food. He slip through the grass so quiet that the wild pig ain’t suspect nothing. He climb up the tree and start picking z’avocat pear from one branch and stuffing it in he mouth. The wild pig waddle to the root of the tree. He only nosing out cassava root and yellow yam and swallowing them down. As she watch at the two of them eating, Tan-Tan belly growl.

“Is who that?” the wild pig call out.

Same time the manicou say, “Is what that I hear?”

Tan-Tan ain’t reply. She pick some leaves off a piece of bush and chew on them to soothe she stomach. The wild pig look up and spy the manicou up in the tree.

“Brother Rat, like you been following me?”

“Seen, Brother Pig, but don’t fret, all right? It have plenty for both of we. Look, I go only eat what in the tree; you could have everything on the ground.”

The wild pig think about this. Him can’t climb tree. The food up there would only rotten and fall on the ground. “All right then, my brother, but we can’t make Tan-Tan and Antonio know.”

Them continue eating. Tan-Tan swear she could see them getting fatter as she watch. Brother Rat have sharp, sharp teeth. Brother Wild Pig have pointy tusks curling round he snout. How to get to the food?

Tan-Tan think back to she jacks games, how she had was to snatch up the jacks-them fast before the ball bounce. To get the food she and she daddy need, she go have to move sly like that.

She get down on she belly and crawl through the tall grass to the foot of the tree, where the pigeon peas bushes growing thick-thick. She was mad to just pull off two-three handful of pigeon peas pods and jam into she mouth, but first she had was to deal with the wild pig.

Tan-Tan reach up and pull one of the bushes down closer to the ground, where the wild pig could almost reach it, if he only jump a little. She rustle the bush. The pig hear the sound. He come closer to see better, for pig eyesight ain’t so sharp, oui? But Tan-Tan still couldn’t quite reach he. She bend the bush down a little closer to the ground. When Brer Pig look good, he see a branch full of fat, sweet pigeon peas, just above he snout. Him couldn’t resist. He take a little run, as fast as he short legs would go, and he leap into the air to reach the peas. And so he leap, is so Tan-Tan catch he.

“Eee-eee-eee!” The wild pig start one set of racket. Tan-Tan pull out the cutlass that Ione give she and slice off the wild pig head with one blow. Then she put the pig body in she pouch and crouch back down in the pigeon peas bushes.

“Brother Pig? Is you that?” The manicou start back down the tree to see what happen. Tan-Tan answer in the wild pig voice. “Don’t fret yourself, my brother. I just catch my snout in some cassava root.” Same way she steal the pig life, she steal him voice too.

The answer satisfy the manicou; him climb back up the tree. This time, him go to a custard apple branch. Him was so busy eating, him never see Tan-Tan shinnying up the tree, quiet like death. She inch out across the branch, wrapping she legs round it like rat tail, so she wouldn’t fall. So noiseless she move, so soft, the branch ain’t even self tremble.

When she reach the manicou, Tan-Tan reach out swift like grabbing jacks from out underneath a jacks ball. She catch the manicou long, hairless tail and swing he head bup! against the half-way tree trunk. That was the end of Brother Rat. Tan-Tan put the body in she pouch. She eat up two-three custard apple right there, sucking down the sweet white meat and spitting out the shiny black seed-them. She fill up she bag for Antonio.

Now that she have he food running in she veins again, Kabo Tano could make she hear he. From out of the sky he say, “You do good, my daughter. This half-way tree is for you and Antonio.”

“Thank you, Kabo Tano!”

“Chop it down.”

“What?”

“Chop down the tree.”

Tan-Tan couldn’t believe she ears. How she could do that? How them would eat after? She decide to try a thing.

“Ancient One, I too weak to chop down this thick tree. The trunk bigger than me and King Antonio put together.”

Kabo Tano say, “Climb down and make a fire.” So Tan-Tan do that.

“Fire burning good, Ancient One.”

“Take the pig and the manicou out of your pouch. You must gut them and skin them and string them on a pole above the fire. And keep turning the pole so that the bodies burn even all the way through.”

Tan-Tan think say this must be powerful obeah. She follow Kabo Tano instructions, and as she turn the meat on the fire, it start to cook. It smell so nice, Tan-Tan belly start to rumble again, even though she done full it up with food from the tree.

“What I must do now, Kabo Tano?”

“Do what your mouth and your belly telling you. Eat.”

That is how Tan-Tan learn another way to feed sheself. She gorge on manicou and pork. She put aside a portion for Antonio, then she suck the fat from the meat and tear the meat from the bones. She even crack open the bones-them and suck out the marrow. When she done, she lie back on the ground and sigh, patting she belly.

“You full, my daughter? You strong?” Kabo Tano voice sounding soft, but Tan-Tan ain’t pay that no mind.

“Yes, Kabo Tano.”

“Cut down the tree.”

She ain’t have no more excuse. She had to do it. She go and stand beside the half-way tree. She hold she cutlass that would never dull in one hand and she place the next hand flat against the broad trunk. It had all different kinds of bark on the trunk, one for each kind of fruit and vegetable.

She decide to have faith in Kabo Tano. Everything he do, he do for a reason. Tan-Tan fetch one blow to the trunk of the half-way tree. And again! And again! She chop and she chop until the tree start to sway. She look up to see which way it go fall, and she stand aside. The great tree crash down to the ground, and is like the whole Earth tremble for the magnificent thing that Tan-Tan just destroy. Tan-Tan hear Kabo Tano voice, even softer this time.

“Is the flesh of the beast give you the strength to do this thing, my daughter.”

“Yes, Kabo Tano. Thank you.”

“But is lie you lie to me. I know you wasn’t feeling weak once you done eat my food. You just ain’t want to cut down the tree. Because you tell untruth, you have to stay down there on Earth. I going away and leaving you and Antonio.”

Tan-Tan start to cry. “But Great One, how we go live here without you to help?”

“Even though you lie, you is still my daughter. The half-way tree is for you and your daddy. Pull one of every kind of twig from the tree, and one of every kind of plant that growing underneath it. Wherever you plant them, they go grow, and you and Antonio will always have food. Let the beasts have what leave from the tree to nourish themselves with.”

That was the last time Tan-Tan ever hear Kabo Tano voice. She mourn, but she do as he tell she. She pick all kind of food for Antonio, then she break off a twig for each type of plant, and she bundle them up together with grass. She take everything back to she daddy, lying there faint beside the mountain stream.

“Daddy! Here, eat.” Tan-Tan put little pieces of food and meat into Antonio mouth. He chew one-one piece at a time until he start to feel like a man again.

“What is this I eating, daughter?”

Tan-Tan tell he the whole story; how she follow the pig and the manicou to the half-way tree, how she ambush them and steal they life, and how Kabo Tano help she to feed sheself, even though she lie to he, and how she get them exile on Earth for good. Antonio couldn’t be vex at she, though. She save he life, and he couldn’t think of nothing better but to live out he days by he daughter side.

The two of them clear a space near the stream, and them plant all the twigs and plants-them. Them use mud and grass to build a wattle-and-daub hut.

And so Kabo Tano tell them, is so it go. Everything grow, and Tan-Tan and Antonio had food for their bellies and wood to build with. Tan-Tan learn to hunt and trap, so them always had meat for their table. The pieces of the half-way tree that get leave behind grow and spread all over the Earth. Earth get green and living again. The beasts in the bush had enough to eat.

King Antonio and Queen Tan-Tan live long on the new, clean Earth, and is Tan-Tan who give birth to the race of people on Earth, for it never had none there before.

But forever after, the beasts in the bush would run and hide whenever them see Tan-Tan coming, for them know she to be the greatest thief of all, the one who could steal them life away before them time come. She turn Robber Queen for true.

Is Tan-Tan make it so.

You like that story, sweetness? Tan-Tan ain’t too like it, you know. It always make she mind run on how she daddy steal she away from her home.