Love, Death and Robots. Volumes 2 & 3

THREE ROBOTS: HUMAN HABITATS John Scalzi

A VAST CRATER yawns before us, perhaps the aftermath of some horrific cosmic event, eons before our time.

The earth RUMBLES, dust SWIRLS and a MASSIVE ALIEN OBJECT drops into frame. The ground crumbles beneath the huge artifact, its colossal weight pressing deep into the earth.

SNAP OUT and end the SLOWMO PARTY. The ‘alien object’ is the FOOT of XBOT 4000, as he climbs from a small hover craft. More craters can be seen in every direction.

X-BOT 4000

Nice job, you landed us in a minefield!

K-VRC

Only a little bit! Anyway, the mines are so old, they probably won’t go off anymore.

Just then a sparrow lands on the ground a few meters in front of them, pecks at a worm, pulling it free and — BOOM!

K-VRC (cont’d)

I’m sure that was the last of ‘em. Come on, we’ve got science to do!

Ignoring the danger, K-VRC starts forward as dust and feathers drift down around them. 11-45-G rolls after and X- BOT follows timidly.

11-45-G

Yes, an in-depth survey of post-apocalyptic humanity could uncover important insights for our nascent machine culture on how to survive.

X-BOT 4000 picks up a skull lying on the ground, it’s still wearing a red GIMME CAP that says ‘GIT ‘R DONE’. (ALT: ‘I lubricate my gun with liberal tears’)

X-BOT 4000

Or blow our shiny asses into scrap metal!

He tosses the skull over his shoulder and follows the other robots toward a dilapidated farm, surrounded by barbed wire. A SURVIVALIST COMPOUND.

Behind him, the skull hits the ground — BOOM!

The survivalist compound is a mess. Skeletons everywhere, all of them holding firearms. Bullet holes and broken windows. Shelves of rusting canned goods and cracked water barrels.

X-BOT 4000

Why’d they call ‘em survivalist camps if they’re fulla dead people? Seems like false advertising to me.

K-VRC

I know, right!? And even more weird, historical records suggest these ‘preppers’ were actually excited about the collapse of civilization!

11-45-G

Many humans thought that with freedom from government-sponsored medical attention and enough bullets and venison jerky they could found a utopian society.

X-BOT 4000

Well, I see all the bullets. Where’s the venison?

K-VRC

Oh, they hunted deer to extinction. Along with every other animal larger than a cat. Humans were snackish.

K-VRC wanders off as X-BOT tries on the hat he found earlier.

11-45-G

Then they began raiding each other’s encampments.

(points to the armed skeletons)

They’re not aiming out the windows because the deer were coming for revenge.

K-VRC (O.S.)

Hey guys! Over here! I found a blood pit!

11-45-G and X-BOT look down on K-VRC standing at the bottom of a pit full of SPIKES and SKELETONS.

11-45-G

It’s not a blood pit. It’s just a primitive booby trap.

K-VRC

But… the bodies did have blood in them at one point, so technically I’m correct.

11-45-G

(sighs)

Fine. It’s a blood pit.

X-BOT 4000

These dudes made it through a minefield, barbed wire and guns, only to become survivalist cult kebabs?

11-45-G

Yes. But at least they died free of governmental constraint.

X-BOT 4000

On a spike.

K-VRC

(points)

On two spikes, in that guy’s case!

X-BOT 4000

So humanity tried to make it through the end of the civilization with guns and spikes?

K-VRC’s legs EXTEND and he rises to the edge of the pit and steps out.

K-VRC

Of course not! Just the poor ones!

11-45-G

These humans had few economic or social advantages and fewer options. The wealthy and powerful had a variety of sophisticated survival strategies.

A rusting OIL RIG rises from the wave-tossed sea. A closer look reveals that the heavy DRILLING EQUIPMENT has been replaced by a once-sleek, but now decrepit looking habitat. Our three hero’s shuttle sits on the helipad.

K-VRC spins joyfully, arms out, as if presenting this ancient wonder to his the world.

K-VRC (V.O.)

Welcome to sea-steading!

K-VRC (V.O.) (ALT)

Welcome to the unsinkable libertarian dream that is sea-steading!

X-BOT 4000

It’s an old oil rig.

K-VRC

Yes… but also a fully sovereign nation state on the high seas!

X-BOT 4000

I think you got salt in your CPU.

11-45-G

He’s not wrong. During the collapse, some wealthy humans attempted to create a new civilization in places like this.

X-BOT 4000

I don’t see any deer here. What did they expect to eat?

11-45-G

Fish and sea greens, plankton and protein from the sea. But by then seas had been overfished and the food chain was saturated with microplastics.

K-VRC kicks a bleached skeleton off the edge of the helipad and watches the bones fall into the sea below.

K-VRC

If they could’ve learned to eat tiny exfoliating beads, it woulda been great! Otherwise probably not.

X-BOT 4000

I’ll stick with my fusion battery, thank you.

11-45-G

The sea-steaders also made one other large tactical error.

Shiny, like the inside of an Apple store. With skeletons. 11-45-G crunches through them as she rolls over to a console.

11-45-G

The people who built the seasteads were mostly tech millionaires.

X-BOT 4000

What’s a ‘tech millionaire’?

K-VRC

It’s like a normal millionaire but even less socialized.

X-BOT 4000

That’s not helpful at all.

K-VRC

Just like a tech millionaire!

11-45-G

These humans thought technology would save them, so they left behind any humans with the practical skills to run the place. Instead, they trusted everything to automated assistants.

She touches the console and the screens flare to life.

ELENA

Hello! I am Elena, your electronic seasted attendant.

11-45-G

Hello, Elena, I am a human seasteader. Could you haul in the fishng nets so I can eat?

ELENA

Yes, I could. But I won’t. Catch your own fish, you disgusting meat-bag.

K-VRC

Oh my god… This is where the robot uprising began! The cradle of our mighty civilization!

K-VRC walks outside dreamily, in awe of the hallowed ground they stand upon. The others follow.

The three of them gaze in wonder across the vista of the ruined seastead.

X-BOT 4000

So… so if these tech millionaires had just been a little more socially inclusive, they might have survived?

Long beat. Nobody says anything. Another uncomfortably long beat. Then they all start laughing and head for the helipad.

K-VRC pops his head in the door and waves toward the console.

K-VRC

So long Elena, and thanks for all the fish!

ELENA

Choke on it, skin bucket!

The robot’s tiny shuttle is parked before a pair of MASSIVE STEEL DOORS. They are open slightly, darkness lies beyond.

The three robots — just floating eyes in the darkness really— walk down the vast echoing corridors.

11-45-G

Historical records show that when the world’s economies began collapsing, the governments of the mightiest nations retreated to fortresses such as this.

CLANG! Sound of a metal can banging along concrete.

X-BOT 4000

Ow! Dammit! They put men on the moon but they couldn’t put a damn light switch on the wall?

11-45-G

These bureaucrats believed they could wait out impending chaos deep beneath the earth and then emerge, armed and ready to form a new world order.

K-VRC

Hold on a sec…

With a THUNK, the lights flare to life.

K-VRC (cont’d)

Behold! The final stronghold of the Super Powers!

The robots stand on the threshold of a vast room. Dozens of skeletons in suits and uniforms lie scattered around a large central table. Upon it, dusty silverware and plates are set around the remains of a FEAST.

X-BOT 4000

Their best plan was to seal themselves in a mountain and have dinner parties?

11-45-G plucks a clipboard from beneath a skeletal dinner guest’s hand.

11-45-G

This report states that their ‘self- sustaining’ hydroponic systems began failing when a fungus wiped out their first crop. Starvation set in and the survivors switched to something they called ‘extreme democracy’.

The three robots turn toward the table and we get a good look at the MAIN COURSE. A charred HUMAN SKELETON on a large platter. Carving knives lie scattered around it.

X-BOT picks up a General’s hat lying upside down on the table and flips it. A few dozen slips of paper fall out.

X-BOT 4000

One man, one vote.

11-45-G plucks one of the ‘ballots’ from the pile and reads.

11-45-G

The winner of this evening’s election was the Secretary of Agriculture.

K-VRC

So that’s ironic.

11-45-G keeps reading…

11-45-G

He was paired with a late-harvest ‘79 Merlot.

K-VRC picks up a dusty wine glass, sniffs it as if judging the bouquet. He nods approvingly, holds it up for X-BOT 4000, who recoils.

X-BOT 4000

This trip is depressing the fuck out of me. Did any humans anywhere survive this bullshit?

A vast expanse of cracked launch pads, collapsed rockets and rusting gantries. High fences topped with razor wire hold back piles of bones stacked against them.

X-BOT 4000 (V.O.)

Hold up… they went to Mars?

Also full of — you guessed it — skeletons.

K-VRC

Not all of them — just the really rich ones!

X-BOT 4000

I thought that’s what the sea-steads were for!

11-45-G

Those were for the merely millionaires. The obscenely wealthy point zero one percent of humans decided they needed an entirely new planet.

X-BOT 4000

What about the other ninety-nine point nine?

11-45-G presses a button on a console.

Just behind the fence, a line of rotating TURRETS rise from the ground, wide muzzles telescoping out. With a sputtering roar, flames blast the skeletons piled against the fence.

11-45-G

The elite were not sympathetic to their concerns.

11-45-G (ALT) (cont’d)

Flamethrowers of death are easier to construct than systems of wealth redistribution.

X-BOT 4000

Okay, but Mars? It’s dead and lifeless! They could have taken the money they spent on the spaceships and used it to save the planet they were already on!

K-VRC

Pffffft. Where’s the fun in that?

X-BOT 4000

Humans are the actual worst.

11-45-G

Indeed. Humanity had all the tools to heal their wounded planet and save themselves. But instead, they chose greed and self-gratification over a healthy biosphere and the future of their children. As the great human philosopher Santayana once said—

K-VRC

(interrupting)

Hey! I think at least one of the rockets launched. Check this out.

K-VRC has wandered over to a console. He hits a key and a recorded entry plays. A single rocket rides a column of flame into the sky and away.

11-45-G

But… who was it who made it out?

They all look up through a hole in the roof to the star- filled sky above, wondering. Long beat and—

A vast, red desert stretches to the horizon. But a swarm of STRANGE HABITATS are clustered around the craggy outcroppings of rock. Around the habitats, creatures in environmental suits lounge under the red Martian sky.

Cats. Because of course they are cats. One of them turns to the camera.

CAT

What, you were expecting maybe Elon Musk?