Lasher

Fifteen

THE WORLD SHOOK with Father’s song and Father’s laughter. Father said, in his fast high-pitched voice, “Emaleth, be strong; take what you must; Mother may try to harm you. Fight, Emaleth, fight to be with me. Think of the glen and the sunshine and of all our children.”

Emaleth saw children-thousands and thousands of people like Father, and like Emaleth herself, for she did see herself now, her own long fingers, and long limbs, and hair swimming in the water of the world that was Mother. The world that was already too small for her.

How Father laughed. She saw him dance; she saw him dance as Mother saw him. His song to her was long and beautiful.

Flowers were in the room. Lots and lots of flowers. The scent was everywhere mingled with the scent of Father. Mother cried and cried and Father tied her hands to the bed. Mother kicked him and Father cursed; and there was thunder in heaven.

Father, please, please, be kind to Mother.

“I will. I’m going now, child.” He gave her the secret message. “And I’ll come back with food for your mother, food that will make you grow strong; and when the time comes, Emaleth, fight to be born, fight anything which tries to oppose you.”

It made her sad to think of fighting. Whom was she to fight? Surely not Mother! Emaleth was Mother. Emaleth’s heart was tied to Mother’s heart. When Mother felt pain, Emaleth felt it, as if someone had pushed her through the wall of the world that was Mother.

Only a moment ago Emaleth could have sworn that Mother knew she was there! That for one instant Mother understood that she had Emaleth inside her, but then the quarreling had come again, between Father and Mother.

And now as the door shut, and Father’s scent was gone away, and the flowers shifted and nodded and pulsed in the twilight room, Emaleth heard Mother crying.

Don’t cry, Mother, please. You make me sad when you cry. All the world is nothing but sadness.

Can you really hear me, my darling?

Mother did know she was there! Emaleth turned and twisted in her tiny constricted world, and pushed at the roof, and heard Mother sigh: Yes, Mother, say my name as Father says it. Emaleth. Call my name!

Emaleth.

Then Mother began to talk to her in earnest. Listen to me, baby girl, I’m in trouble. I am weak and sick. I’m starved. You are inside of me, and thank God, you take what you must have from my teeth, from my bones, from my blood. But I’m weak. He’s tied me up again. You must begin to help me. What am I to do to save both of us?

Mother, he loves us. He loves you and he loves me. He wants to fill the world with our children.

Mother moaned in the silence. “Emaleth, be still,” she said. “I am sick.”

And Mother twisted in pain on the bed, her ankles bound apart, her wrists bound apart, the scent of the flowers sickening her.

Emaleth wept. The sadness of Mother was too terrible for her to bear. She saw Mother as Father had seen her, so wan and worn with the dark circles around her eyes, like an owl in the bed, an owl; and Emaleth saw in the deep dark woods an owl.

Darling, listen to me, you will not be inside me forever. Soon you’ll be born and at that time, Emaleth, I may die. It may be at the very moment of my death that you come.

No, Mother! That was too terrible to think of, Mother dead! Emaleth knew dead. She could smell dead. She saw the owl shot with an arrow and falling to the floor of the forest. Leaves stirred. She knew Death as she knew up and down and all around, and water, and her own skin and her hair which she caught in her fingers, and rubbed to her own lips. Dead was not alive! And the long stories of Father drifted through her head, of the glen, and how they must come together and grow strong.

“Remember,” Father had said to her once, “they show no mercy to those who are not their kind. And you must be just as merciless. You, my daughter, my wife, my little mother.”

Don’t die, Mother. You cannot do this. Do not die.

“I’m trying, my darling, but listen to me. Father is mad. He dreams dreams which are bad, and when you are born you must get away from here. You must get clear of me and of him, and you must seek those who can help you.” Then Mother began to cry again, woebegone and crushed and shaking her head.

Father was coming back. The key in the lock. The smell of Father and food.

“Here, precious darling,” he said, “I have orange juice for you, and milk, and good things.”

He sank down beside Mother on the bed.

“Ah, it won’t be long!” he said. “See how she struggles! And your breasts, they are filling with milk again!”

Mother screamed. He covered Mother’s mouth with his hand, and she tried to bite his fingers!

Emaleth wept. This was terrible, terrible, this darkness and clangor over the entire horizon. What was the world when one suffered so? It was nothing. She wanted to put things in their mouths to stop their mouths so they could not speak hate to each other. She pushed at the roof of the world. She saw herself a woman born running from one to the other, and stuffing their mouths with leaves from the forest floor so they could not say hurtful words to each other.

“You will drink the orange juice, you will drink the milk,” said Father in fury.

“Only if you untie me again, and let me up. Then I’ll eat. If I can sit on the side of the bed, I’ll eat.”

Please, Father, be kind to Mother. Mother’s heart is full of sorrow. Mother must have the food. Mother has been starved. Mother is weak.

Very well, my darling dear. Father was afraid. He could not again leave Mother without food and water.

He cut loose the tape that was tied around Mother’s arms, and around her legs.

At once Mother drew all her limbs together, and turned her feet to the side, and they were walking, she and Mother, back and forth and back and forth. Into the bathroom they went, full of bright light and shining things, and the smell of water, and the chemicals of water.

Mother closed the door, and lifted a large slab of white porcelain from the back of the toilet. These things Emaleth understood because Mother understood, but not entirely. Porcelain was hard and heavy; Mother was afraid. Mother held the porcelain slab up high. It was like a tombstone.

Father pushed open the door, and Mother turned and brought down the big slab of porcelain on Father’s head and Father cried out.

Anguish for Emaleth. Mother, don’t do it.

But Father sank down silent in peace, with no complaint, on the floor, and dreamed, and again Mother struck him with the porcelain slab. The blood ran out of his ears onto the floor. He shut his eyes. He dreamed. Mother drew back, sobbing, and dropped the porcelain slab.

But Mother was filled with excitement, filled with hope. Mother almost fell down too, but she climbed over Father, and ran out into the room, and snatched her clothes and purse from the closet floor, her purse, yes, her purse, she had to have her purse, and off she ran down the hallway in her bare feet, Emaleth tossed and thrown and reaching out for the world to make it steady.

They were in the tiny elevator going down, down, down! It felt so good to Emaleth! They were in the world outside the room. Mother lay against the back of the elevator, putting on her clothes, mumbling aloud to herself, crying, wiping at her face. She pulled the red sweater over her head. Pulled on the skirt, but she could not button it. She pulled the sweater down over it.

Where were they going?

Mother, what happened to Father? Where are we going? Father wants us to go. We have to go, be quiet and be patient.

Mother wasn’t telling the truth. Far off, Emaleth heard Father whisper her name.

Mother stopped in the elevator door. The pain was too much for her. More and more there was pain. Emaleth sighed and tried to make herself very small, no pain for Mother. But the world grew tight and small and then Mother gasped, and put her hand over her eyes, and leaned to the side.

Mother, don’t fall.

Then Mother fitted her shoes to her feet and began to run, her purse dangling from her shoulder, banging the glass doors as she ran out. But she could not run far. She was too heavy. With her arms around Emaleth she stopped, hugging Emaleth and steadying her.

Mother, I love you.

I love you too, my dear. I do. But I must get to Michael.

Mother thought of Michael, pictured him, the man with the dark hair and the smile, burly and kind, and not at all like Father. Angel, Mother said, to save us. Mother was calm for a moment and her hope and her joy flooded through Emaleth. Emaleth felt joy.

Emaleth felt for the first time in all her life Mother’s happiness. Michael.

But in the midst of this lovely calm, when Emaleth laid her head against Mother and Mother’s hands held Emaleth’s world, Emaleth heard Father calling.

Mother, Father has waked up. I can hear him. He’s calling.

Mother stepped into the street. The cars and trucks roared by. Mother rushed towards a big noisy truck that rose up before her like a wall of shining steel, looking just like a big face with a mean mouth and nose above her.

Yes, darling dear, that about covers it.

With all her might, Mother managed to make the high step and pull open the door.

“Please, sir, take me with you, wherever you are going! I have to go!” Mother slammed the door of the truck. “Drive, for the love of God, I’m only a woman alone. I can’t hurt you!”

Emaleth, where are you?

“Lady, you need to get to a hospital. You’re sick,” said the man but he obeyed.

The big truck took off, the motor filling the world with noise. Mother was sick with the rattle and bounce of the truck, with pain. Circular pain. Mother’s head fell back on the seat.

Emaleth, your mother has hurt me!

Mother, he is calling to us.

Darling, if you love me, don’t answer him.

“Lady, I’m taking you to Houston General.”

Mother wanted to say, No, please, don’t do this. Take me away. She could not catch her breath. She tasted of sickness, even of blood. She was in pain. The pain hurt Emaleth too.

Father’s voice was very far away, making no words, only cries.

“New Orleans,” she said. “That’s my home. I have to get back there. I have to get to the Mayfair house, on First and Chestnut.”

Emaleth knew what Mother knew. That is where Michael was. She wished she could speak to the truck driver. She wished she could. Mother was so sick. Mother would soon vomit, and that smell would come. Be calm, Mother. I don’t hear Father anymore.

“Michael Curry, in New Orleans, I have to reach him there. He’ll pay you. He’ll pay you plenty. I will pay you. Call him. Look-We’ll stop at a phone, later, when we’re out of town, but look-”

And now from her purse she brought out the money, lots and lots of money, and the man stared at Mother with his round human eyes, very amazed but wanting to make her not sick, wanting to help her, wanting to do as she said, thinking she was soft and young and pretty.

“Are we headed south?” Mother asked, sick again, almost unable to speak. The pain wrapped around her, and wrapped around Emaleth too. OOOOOh…this was the worst Emaleth had ever felt. She kicked at the world. But she did not mean to kick at Mother.

Father’s voice had long ago died out in the rumble of cars, in the glare of lights. The world was huge all around them.

“We are going south now, lady,” he said. “We’re going south, now, all right, but I wish you’d let me take you to a hospital.”

Mother closed her eyes. The light went out of her mind. Her head fell to the side. She slept; she dreamed. The money lay on her lap, on the floor of the truck, all over the pedals. The man reached down and picked up one bill at a time, trying not to take his eyes off the cars that zoomed along the road in front of him. Cars, road, signs, freeway; New Orleans, south.

“Michael,” Mother said. “Michael Curry. New Orleans. But you know, you know when I think about it, I think the phone is listed under Mayfair. Mayfair and Mayfair. Call Mayfair and Mayfair.”