Jane Yellowrock World Companion

The World According to Beast

From Faith: Beast has had her own personality (from the very beginning), though I admit that finding the voice for Beast—primitive, wise, snarky, sometimes confused about humans, lofty, snide, sexy, practical—in other words totally catty—was harder than I had thought it would be. It took a lot of very different things to make the voice become real to me. I started out with old Tarzan movies. The dialogue of, “Me Tarzan, you Jane,” felt close to right, and it helped that Tarzan had a Jane in his life too. I had recently read the wonderful book by Temple Grandin, Animals in Translation, which gave me a vision into how animals think, reason, remember, and deduce life lessons in pictures. And then there was all the lovely, incredibly helpful input from my wonderful editor, Jessica Wade, who was invaluable in helping me with this series in general, and with Beast’s voice in particular.

Beast has a Facebook fan page, where she sometimes makes an appearance to answer questions posed by her fans. This section of Beastly advice came in part from her interactions with her fans, though I have altered the questions, hidden the identities of the questioners, and revised the answers to provide privacy. (Cats love their privacy.)

Faith

From: Swannanoa Sweetheart Hooked on Pistachio Gelato: Humans get into a lot of trouble because of their appetites. They get hooked on drugs, alcohol, food, and the Home Shopping Network. What do you think about the human appetite and addiction . . . and do the people of claw and tooth ever get hooked on anything? If so, what do they do to break the addiction?

PS: FYI, I think you are absolutely beautiful . . . you can claw the oaks in my yard anytime.

(And yes, pistachio gelato is food of the gods.)

Beast: Beast is beautiful. (Flicks ear tabs.) Cats like catnip, fish, birds, lizards, clouds, moving water. (Thinks.) Deer and rabbits. And bison. Want to hunt bison. Would be addicted to bison. Do not know about gelato. Does it bleed?

Dear Beast:

I’ve had a really hard time losing weight. A few years ago I had an accident that resulted in a knee injury and it’s just gotten worse since then, so I have a hard time working out. I eat right (mostly), but I just seem to either stay the same or gain more weight. I’m not enormous or anything, but I’d love to get back down to a healthy weight so I can get healthier. Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely, Joshua A. AKA Person-Who-is-Not-Food

Joshua. You cannot hunt deer. Cannot chase rabbits. (Thinks.) If you were puma you would starve. But if you eat food that rabbits eat, you will be thin. Writer calls it let-us.

Beast, what would you do to encourage an injured mate? My mate had a foot amputated a few months ago. It’s so easy to be an enabler and let him get too dependent. So what would Beast do? :)

I’m known as Butterfly at all my favorite forums and boards.

Butterfly, Humans are not like puma. Humans have hope. And pro-sss-thetics. They can give life. Can allow humans to hunt and mate and walk. (Thinks.) Tell mate he is not ruined like bad meat. Mate is still good and alive and can be strong again if he has hope. Tell mate to eat much let-us and veg-e-tables. And have faith.

Writer is laughing. I do not understand.

I have a question for Beast.

I work in an office with four people. Two of us work our tails off, while the other two are very lazy. I have no authority over them, so any advice on how to deal with them??

Thank you,

Liesa

Leisa: You must kill and eat lazy humans. Or chase them out of den. (Growls.) Writer is trying to push Beast away. Says not to kill lazy humans. Writer is stupid.

Beast, I need to learn how to hunt for a new mate. Can you help me?

Rae

Rae. You must sharpen claws on dead trees. This removes dead skin on claws. You must bathe in river and eat much bloody meat. When you are strong, you must go far away, to edges of hunting grounds, to find mate. Mate with him. But do not let him follow back to den. If he follows you back, you will have to feed him. This is not good. Mates should kill their own food and stay on their own hunting territory.

Writer is laughing. I am confused.

Beast, you are beautiful, fast, smart, and good hunter. I am worried about the three dogs next door and their owners. Neighbor has good kin to watch over her, but he is leaving soon to go back home. Now bad man may come back and hurt pup. Bad man kicked pup hard. I been asked to keep my eyes open if bad man comes while friend is at work. What would you do to bad man? I want to kick bad man and see how he likes it.

Jenny

Jenny. Yes, Beast is beautiful. And smarter than other big-cats. And fast. And best hunter. (Licks jaw and grooms paws with rough tongue. Thinking.) Beast would hunt man and eat him. And then eat dogs if writer was not looking. You should take vid-e-o of man hurting dog and put on In-ter-net. Then other humans would kill and eat man.

Beast, my mate is causing trouble and being ornery. What should I do?

Beast does not understand trouble and ornery. This is hard question. Beast chases away male kits when weaned, and keeps female kits as hunting mates for longer. I do not understand males except for mating. And I chase them off too when done with them. Beast once killed mate who killed kits. Did your mate kill kits? I will help you hunt and kill him!

Also, Beast does not live with mate for long, like pride of African lions or like humans. Beast is with mate only when kits are wanted. When Beast’s mate snarls, Beast bats him with claws or leaves.

But I have watched Writer with mate. When he snarls, she scratches him behind ears and rubs his head and feeds him eggs on bread and mayo. He likes this. Beast likes this too. Try that.

Beast has own place. Does not stay with mate for many years, only for kits. But Beast has seen Writer with mate and Writer says tell mate, “Special mating on Friday night. Big whoop-de-do then. Not tonight.” Writer’s mate seems pleased with “whoop-de-do” plans and Writer gets to sleep. I do not understand. Writer is laughing again. (Snarls at writer.)

Beast, I would like to be like you, sole hunter. But I have to deal with humans.

Jane Yellowrock is like Beast, alone and unmated. But Jane is not happy very often. (Rolls over and thinks.) Beast thinks humans are pack animals like African big-cats. Beast thinks humans need other humans. Do not understand this.

Beast, many people say it is okay to euthanize sick humans the way lions cull the sick from the herd. What do you think?

Do not understand u-thise. U-thee nz? Sounds like sneeze. (Looks at writer. Writer is laughing but is sad too. Do not understand.) Writer says u-thin-ze means to kill. In animal world when big-cats cannot hunt anymore, other big-cats are not kind. But Beast is more than big-cat. Beast has learned from Jane. Beast would be kind to hurt big-cat and bring her raw deer or rabbits. Beast will talk to spirit of earth and sky and ask for hunters who will be kind to hurt humans.

Writer says humans do not cull other humans from herd because humans do not eat humans. Beast understands this. Have tasted human and it was stringy. Tasted bad, not good meat. Writer says tale of Beast tasting human is in short story in Have Stakes Will Travel.

Beast, what’s the best way to train a stupid human kit who will not listen?

Beast tosses kits into water to teach them to swim. Beast takes kits on long hunts, so kits pant and tongues hang out. Some kits need to be rolled over and held down, with claws at throat and fierce growls and show of killing teeth. Held down until they submit. Beast also swats kits (with claws hidden) but Writer says cops do not like it when humans swat kits. Beast does not understand this. Swatting works for cat kits. What are cops?

Beast, my dogs are fat. Any advice?

Writer had fat dogs (stupid yappy rescue Pomeranian dogs). Writer started walking dogs every day. Is now up to 1.5 miles every evening and .5 miles in mornings. For food: Writer added warm water, and soft food with hard food. Tommy and Tuffy liked food. Writer fed dogs two times a day this way with very little food. Water filled dogs up each time. Dogs lost much weight. But dogs had to pee a lot. (Twitches ear tabs.) Writer is laughing. Writer says dogs lost 30% of body weight. I do not understand %.

Beast, I hate my job. Should I quit and look for something else?

Job is like hunting for food, yes? Beast only hunts when hungry, but when hungry is always looking for food. Will take first food to fill belly but will keep looking for more. Being hungry is not good. Must eat, to find more food, to eat. (Scratches ears with back claws.) Beast might have flea. Hates biting fleas-too-small-to-catch. Do you like being hungry? Do you like fleas? If you do, then Beast will eat your food and give you her fleas.

When should humans retire?

Big-cats do not “retire”. We must hunt to eat until we die. Humans do not die when they cannot hunt. Humans . . . are different. Humans have “jobs”. This is a strange thing to Beast. Writer wants to “retire” from job in hospital, but keep writing. Also a strange thing to Beast. (Rolls over and stares up at sky.) Beast says to stop hunting and “retire” when you can eat without hunting. But feels this does not help much.

Is it polite to “scoot” in public?

“Scooting” is private pleasure when mate is not around. (Shakes head.) Humans are strange to not know this.

What does Beast do when not hunting?

Beast likes to lie on sun-heated rock over shallow river and watch fish. Come today and nap with Beast!

Writer has two stupid yappy dogs. Writer thinks she understands them when they “talk” to her. Does that make Writer stupid and yappy? (Chuffs with laughter.) Writer is staring at me. (Turns head and looks bored.)

Writer is stupid. Writer says new year has started today. But new year was more-than-five days ago when longest night was here. I do not understand. (Yawns.) Will hunt for deer later today. Have seen tracks and scat of large, healthy doe. Good way to celebrate Writer’s stupid new year. (Scratches ears with back paw.) Writer explained re-ser-va-shun. It is like when Beast claims tree limb over deer path to water and scratches with claws to show claiming. This says, “It is mine!” If you re-ser-va-shun, please do not eat Writer if she sits on your limb.

Why are you laughing? Beast does not understand.

Beast has page on “Facebook.” Writer will be there to talk with scritches on page and tapping of claws on “keyes.” I will be there too. You can ask me questions and Writer will answer for me. Sometimes writer is good.

Writer has new porch. Beast tried to sit on Writer’s pooch. Writer made squealy noises and said no. (Chuffs hard with laughter.)

Writer says she is an addict. I did not understand, but Writer explained. Beast is addicted to hunting like Writer is addicted to her computer. (Shakes head and grooms paws.) Computer has no blood. I still do not understand.

Writer has been ignoring me. Writing. I brought deer haunch and left on her front porch. If writer keeps ignoring me, I will bring dead skunk. (Opens lips. Shows killing teeth.)

On clothes and pelt: Fur is soft. Beast is not. (Scratches chin with back paw-claws, thinking.) Beast is good hunter. Protects soft belly with claws and killing teeth. Why do humans not grow pelt? Writer says humans buy clothes instead of growing pelt, but then humans are hunting food and clothes. Seems much work to hunt so many different things.

On summer: Is too hot to hunt. Writer is going to hunt barbecue and swim in stinky pool water with no fish and no plants and no rocks. Stupid writer. (Perks up ears.) But maybe she will bring me raw pig?

On hot summer: Beast does not know why humans hunt in heat. Should stay home, like Beast, body lying in edges of river. (Closes eyes as cold water rushes by.)

On mud: Mud is good for rolling in to keep small biting things from making pelt itch. I like rolling in mud. This makes Writer laugh. Why is writer laughing?

On humans: Writer has yardboy working. I think yardboy needs more exercise than mowing and digging. Beast should chase him around the yard. (Chuffs with laughter.)

On computers: Beast is here. Beast would have been here sooner, but Writer’s mate was fixing computer. Writer is laughing at word “fixing”. I do not understand why that makes her laugh.

Beast: Want to hunt.

Writer: Not today. Tommy has an upset tummy today and his back hurts from running around like he’s nuts when we got home Sunday night, and then sliding across the new wood floor where carpet used to be.

Beast: (Perks ears.) Eat Tommy-dog?

Writer: NO! Leave my dog alone. Go outside, Beast. NOW!

Beast: (Growling.) Will hunt writer.

Writer: (Points to delete key.) Try it, big girl. Go ahead. Make my day. . . .

Beast: Writer is mean. (Lies down and puts head on paws.)

Beast on Writer’s painting of Beast: Beast has seen drawing of Beast in a tree. Beast is beautiful. (Shakes head to chase off flies in brain.) But drawing of Beast does not move or hunt or eat. Smells dead. Beast is confused. But drawing is good. Shows hunter of prey!

Beast on conferences: Writer went to ComicCon to be with fellow Geeks and Writers. Most Writers are slow and would be good to hunt. Are Geeks good to hunt? (Twitches ears. Curious.)

Have been snarling at writer to go to Dragon Con and hunt dragons. But Writer says no. Says car is not big enough for Beast and Writer’s clothes. Writer’s clothes?

(Snarls.) Writer is taking Jane to Dragon Con. Jane is going. Beast is not. Jane is going to hunt dragons! Beast is best hunter! Not Jane. Writer is stupid kit. Who will protect Writer at Con? Who will write Beast stories? Beast is not happy! (Screams with rage. Snarls at Writer.)

Beast will not be at Con. (Narrows eyes. Looks away.) Beast is not purring. Writer says she will talk about me, so I will not eat her. This time. Writer says to res-er-va-tion.

Beast on food: Writer ate I-tal-yan. Twice. Writer brought me nothing. (Rolls away and stares at wall.)

Writer went to river with good-smelling water and many fish and many goose-birds and Writer rode on boat. Writer did not bring me goose-bird. Beast is not happy. (Thinks.) But writer on boat is too slow to catch geese. Writer should have taken Beast to river!

Writer’s yardboy is working in front ground, digging hole for plant. Yardboy is strong and meaty. Might taste better than other humans Beast has bitten. Writer will not let me hunt him. Writer did not take me to river to hunt geese. Beast is snarling. Not Happy!

Beast on human food: Beast has had much cooked human food. Good food came from cold box full of food in Evangelina Everhart’s house. It was good. Liked noodles in cheese sauce. Liked sausage. Liked fish cooked with butter. (Purrrrr.)

Beast on humans as food: Writer went away and left me with Housesitter. Writer threatened to hang my pelt on wall if I ate Housesitter. Housesitter was muscular and strong and young. Would be good hunt! Meat would not be stringy and tough like other humans Beast has bitten. But Writer loves Housesitter. Is son of her mother’s next litter. (Thinks.) Writer said same thing about Beast-pelt if Beast ate her boots. (Thinks carefully.) I did not eat Writer’s housesitter or boots. Housesitter gave Beast raw steak. Was good.

Beast on fans: Writer says that Beast has more-than-five fans! (Scratches ears with back claws, thinking.) What is fan? Can I eat them?

Beast on dogs: Writer’s littermate brought dog to house last night. FAST dog! HUNTING dog! Good nose. Wanted to hunt with ugly dog! Then maybe eat him. Writer said no.

Beast on exercise: Writer had to “run errands”. Tried to tell her it was too hot to run. Writer does not listen. But Writer is good hunter. She ran home with cow meat wrapped in plastic. And she was not hot. I do not understand. But I do like cow meat.

Beast on healthy teeth: Beast likes crunch of bones. Jane likes crunch of tacos. Bones keep Beast’s teeth strong. Tacos rot teeth and make humans fat. Humans should eat bones.

Beast on squirrels: Am sitting on Writer’s porch (not Writer’s pooch) watching squirrels play in trees between rains. Small rats with hairy tails. Beast knows they are hard to catch and are only a small-mouthful-crunch and then gone, but . . . Beast wants to chase! (Shows killing teeth to teasing rats with hairy tails.)

Beast on thongs: Writer came home from Con. Was tired, like after big hunt. Had small bag of “thongs” from “prank.” But there is no deer or cow or bison strapped to her big truck. Writer is not good hunter.

(Later.) Writer explained “thongs.” Writer should grow pelt, not silly thongs. Thongs would get stuck in places and Beast would have to scoot. Writer would not like Beast to scoot on her rug.

Beast on cover art of books: Writer saw first cover idea of BLOOD TRADE. Writer likes it. Cover made Writer dance. But Beast was not on it. Beast was going to eat artist. Then artist sent cover art of BLACK ARTS. Beast is on BLACK ARTS. BLACK ARTS is best cover.

Beast on being thankful: Writer says to list Stuff I’m thankful for, five each day: People, Food, Natural, Memory, and Personal. I can count to five.

MONDAY—

People: Writer.

Food: Turkey feathers stuck in mouth after hunt.

Natural: Moon reflected in water.

Memory: Teeth sinking into throat of human who destroyed forests.

Personal: Big killing teeth. (Chuffs with laughter.)

TUESDAY—

People: Jane Yellowrock. And Yardboy.

Food: Deer. Standing over water. Under tree with tall branch.

Natural: Herds of deer, running in rut.

Memory: Kits, sleeping in curve of Beast-body and legs, smelling of milk.

Personal: Bitsa.

WEDNESDAY—

People: Ricky-Bo. He smells of big-cat and hot, steamy jungle. Bruiser. Want Bruiser.

Food: Want to hunt bison. (Looks at Writer. Flicks ears. Writer says no.)

Natural: Sound of world at dawn. Silent, waiting.

Memory: Sight of Wesa eating kill. Little cat, who changed life of Beast.

Personal: Claws (Cleans claw sheath on tall tree, bark scraping away, leaving Beast-sign.)

THURSDAY—

People: Molly and Angie Baby. Miss them – Molly and Angie Baby. . . .

Food: Rabbit!

Natural: Sound of wild turkey goggling. Easy to hunt stupid noisy bird.

Memory: Wind in nose when Jane rides Bitsa, full of good food smells.

Personal: Visit with angel Hayyel. Was short but was good.

FRIDAY—

People: Big Evan.

Food: Once caught fish jumping through water. Was good.

Natural: Water running fast down river.

Memory: World before white man stole the trees.

Personal: Leo. (Chuffs with laughter.)

Six Geese A-Laying

Jane Yellowrock is listening to Christmas Carols about good food. A feast. Beast wants feast like song Writer talks about! (Licks muzzle. Thinks. Flicks ear tabs, listening to song.) Jane sings along. Jane cannot sing. Sounds like bison stuck in ditch. Or hawk calling for mate. Jane cannot sing, but Beast likes Jane’s song food! (Listens. Thinks.)

Most of song is about more-than-five foods. Beast cannot count that high but knows that more-than-five is many! Beast is hungry. (Thinks about food and hunting and eating fresh kills.)

Beast does not want seven swans a-swimming. Swans are good fighters. Swim fast. Peck hard with beaks. Swans leave mushy stuff on ground that gets in Beast’s paw pads. Tastes bad to clean pads with tongue. (Looks over at writer.) Writer is making gagging sounds. Beast does not know why writer is sick.

Beast wants Six Geese A-Laying! That is more-than-five! Maybe more-than-seven! Geese sitting on nests will not be able to fly fast! (Thinking.) Geese are fat and mean, but when on nests will be slow. Goose meet is good! (Song goes on.)

Five golden rings . . . (Thinks hard.) Beast does not want gold. Does not taste good. Should not be part of feast song.

Four calling birds are tasty! But loud birds would tell other prey Beast was near. No. Do not want Calling Birds. Want geese! More-than-five geese! (Looks at writer.) WANT GEESE!

Three French hens are full of fat and slow to fly. Easy to catch! But only three. Want more-than-five geese!

Two turtledoves are small mouthful. Crunch and gone. Good, but six geese are better! Beast thinks more-than-five! Like geese!

And a partridge in a pear tree. (Thinking hard.) Do not want bird in tree. Would fly away before Beast could get there. Beast likes six geese a-laying. Thinks this is more-than-five geese. Could get eggs too. Eggs are tasty. Chomp through shell and lick insides from ground. Good winter food. (Sits up and stares at writer.)

Want six geese a-laying. Want them now!

Writer raises eyebrows. Looks amused.

Beast growls low.

“Hey. I put you in the books,” Writer says, “I can take you out of the books. Be nice.”

Beast chuffs with displeasure, but will not growl again. Sits and looks away, stares into distance, tail twitching, not looking at writer. Mad at writer. Want geese!

Writer sighs.

Writer says to write haiku. Beast cannot count to more-than-five, so writer will help on line two.

Beast is good hunter.

Beast hunts bisons in Beast dreams.

Beast eats bison heart.

(Beast is great poet! More hunting number poems later! Beast is napping now on warm rock in sun.)

Leo predator

is fierce, strong, bloodthirsty vamp.

Want Leo as mate.

Writer is mad. (Chuffs with laughter.) Beast likes making Writer mad. Beast is good poet-with-numbers called haiku.

Writer is home now.

Home from big city New York.

Did not bring home cow.

Politician’s words

fighting hunting debate words

Beast would rather sleep.

(Writer is laughing. I do not understand.)

Beast naps on warm rock.

Sun heats Beast pelt and Beast purrs.

Too warm to hunt now.

(Beast is sleepy poet-of-numbers.)

Sun is warm on Beast.

Rolls over, sun on belly

Beast stretch out in sun

(Thinks.) Did Beast count right?