In the Company of Ogres

Sixteen

Regina stood in one dark corner, studying Miriam at the opposite end of the pub. The siren stood brazenly beside Ned. Occasionally he’d say something Regina couldn’t hear over the crowd, and Miriam would laugh as if he’d just pronounced the most marvelously entertaining utterance. She’d put a hand on his shoulder and sometimes “accidentally” brush her breasts against his arm. It was disgusting. And Ned seemed to be falling for it. He was an idiot and a fool. Like all men. Unworthy of Regina’s affections.

The more she despised him, the less he seemed to notice her and the more she wanted him. And she would have him. She knew it well enough. She just had to get rid of the damned siren.

Regina’s eyes strayed to the table. For the past ten minutes, unaware, she’d been gouging her dagger into the wood. Ugly gashes tore deep into the planks, almost coming out the bottom.

Ulga the chubby elf conjurer and Sally the salamander passed near the table. Regina grabbed the elf by the arm.

“Ma’am?” asked Ulga.

“You must hate men,” said Regina.

Ulga’s pink eyes narrowed. “Beggin’ your pardon, ma’am?”

“Well, look at you.”

Ulga did indeed look herself over. “Yes, ma’am?”

“You’re fat.”

“I do got a few extra pounds on me, ma’am.”

“So men must treat you very poorly.”

“Some,” admitted Ulga. “But others do enjoy the extra portions.” She made a show of adjusting her bountiful chest.

“You don’t hate men?” asked Regina.

Ulga shook her head. Regina released her and took up her table carving again.

“Something troubling you, ma’am?” asked Ulga.

Regina missed the question, obsessed with watching Miriam blatantly rubbing Ned’s shoulders.

“I wouldn’t let it trouble you none, ma’am.” Ulga sat at the table. “Ain’t met a man worth dying over yet.”

Regina quite agreed. No man was worth dying over. But she was beginning to think some just might be worth killing over.

Sally slipped into the chair next to Ulga. The reptile put her elbows on the table, and it smoldered. “I can’t say I understand these human mating rituals. Far too much conflict. We salamanders resolved that problem long ago.”

“How so?” asked Ulga.

“It all goes by length. The longest female in the village gets the first pick of any male she wishes. Then the second longest. Then the third. And so on and so on until everyone is paired off. No arguments that way.”

“But what if the male doesn’t like who picked him?” asked Ulga.

“No one asks him. Salamander males are drones. They have no drives other than to eat, defecate, and procreate. They can’t even speak properly or bathe themselves. Like stupid children. Or clever dogs.”

“Sounds like every male I’ve ever met,” muttered Regina.

“They must be very dull company,” remarked Ulga.

“Yes, but it’s for the best,” said Sally. “After all, if they were smarter, it would only make it more disconcerting to eat them.”

A portion of Regina’s attention drew away from Ned and Miriam, though her eyes remained locked on the pair. “You eat your mates?”

“What else are you going to do with them once you’re finished?” Sally snorted a fireball. “Good gods! Otherwise they just crap all over the place and chew on the furniture. My sister kept one mate around for a few years, and it was a devil of a time getting him housebroken. And she had him declawed, which I always felt was inhumane.” She took a sip of beer, which bubbled and steamed as it touched her lips. “Much nicer to just bite their heads off before you get sick of them.”

Regina and Ulga grinned.

“You might have a point there,” agreed Ulga.

Seamus the goblin approached the table. “Mind if I have a seat?”

“Ladies only,” said Ulga.

“No problem.” With a burst of pink smoke, he shifted into a feminine form. Since goblin females resembled goblin males almost exactly, save for larger eyes, fuller lips, and smaller ears, Seamus looked nearly identical to her old shape. The most noticeable change was the loss of her beard.

“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asked Ulga.

Seamus pulled up a chair. Her voice was now an octave squeakier. “Naw. This is just going from outie to innie. Now if you want to talk about tough shapes, try becoming a dictionary sometimes. After ‘aardvark,’ I’m nothing but blank pages. So what are we ladies talking about?”

“Men,” said Sally.

“Who needs ’em?” Seamus raised her glass. “Am I right or am I right?”

Chuckling, they banged their drinks together.

“Of course, goblin society sidestepped that whole mess,” said Seamus.

“I wasn’t aware goblins had a society,” remarked Ulga.

“We don’t. That’s how we avoided it.” The goblin raised her glass again. “Am I right or am I right?”

No one bothered to toast this time. They shared inconsequential chatter for a few minutes as Regina continued her single-minded surveillance.

“I say if he doesn’t want you, he isn’t worth your time,” consoled Ulga.

“Yeah,” agreed Seamus, “especially since you can’t really compete against Miriam anyway.”

Ulga smacked the goblin on the back of her head hard enough to leave a slight bruise.

“Hey, we were all thinking it,” said Seamus. “I just had the guts to say it.”

This time Sally slapped the goblin across the pate, leaving another bruise and a minor burn.

“That’s outie talk,” said Sally.

“It’s the truth, isn’t it? She’s a siren. They have powers over men. What’s the archmajor got?”

They thought about this for a moment.

“She’s a mammal,” said Sally. “That should count for something.”

“Aren’t sirens mammals too?” asked Seamus. “Like dolphins?”

“I’m pretty sure they’re amphibians.” Ulga pointed to a spot behind her own ear. “They’ve got gills after all.”

Seamus put down her ale. “As a male most of the time I think I’ve got the best perspective here. And I’m telling you it doesn’t matter whether she’s fish or fowl when the lights go out.”

Sally hissed and turned a sickened green shade. “Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to bite off your head.”

“We all know what Regina has to do if she’s going to win Ned. She’s got to employ her Amazon strengths.” Seamus winked, not once but twice. “Shouldn’t be too hard to put the siren down. I’ve never seen her pick up a sword.”

Miriam and Ned shared another boisterous guffaw. Regina pulled her dagger from the table and stood. She was ten leaping paces away from plunging the blade into Miriam’s face.

Ulga grabbed the Amazon by the elbow. “Hold on there, ma’am. You don’t want to do that.”

“I don’t?”

“No, ma’am. You can’t kill a siren. I hear tell that when they sing their death rattle, their slayer dies with them.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” said Sally. “The archmajor is a woman, and siren songs have no effect on females.”

“You willing to take that chance?” asked Seamus.

Regina cut off two strips from her skirt and stuffed them in her ears. She tried to take another step, but Ulga held tight. The elf was stronger than she appeared.

“Beggin’ your pardon, ma’am, but I don’t think you should.”

Regina pulled the plugs from her ears. “What?”

“This goes against the rules of courtship,” said Ulga.

“There are rules?” asked Sally.

“Yes, and unlike salamanders, it’s not as simple as who’s tallest.”

“Sounds needlessly complicated,” said Sally.

“It can be tricky,” agreed Ulga, “but it’s the way it’s done among us mammals.”

Sally’s long ears flattened. “And yet my species is the one that’s nearly extinct.”

“Seduction is like war,” said Ulga. “And war has its rules.”

Seamus laughed. “War doesn’t have rules.”

“Everything has rules. The trick is to know which rules you can ignore, and which you can’t.” She pulled Regina back into her chair. “Let us help you, ma’am.”

“You’d help me?” she asked, eyes wide.

“Sure,” said Ulga. “I never much cared for that blasted siren.”

“Nor I,” seconded Sally. “Besides, it will be interesting to get a closer look at how you mammals do this.”

“I’m in,” said Seamus.

Sally lowered her head to stare into the goblin’s eyes. “No one invited you.”

“Hey, it’s a girls-only project. And you can’t be picky where you get your girls around here, or you aren’t going to get many.”

The salamander and the elf exchanged skeptical glances. Finally Ulga said, “All right. But you stay a female for the duration of the project.”

“Deal.” Seamus frowned and wiggled in her chair. “Guess I’m going to have to buy some new underwear.”

Regina was taken aback. Despite the bonds of feminine sisterhood, she’d never felt close to any of the women in the company. Even in the Amazon army, she’d been very much a loner. That shock, more than any other reason, was enough to cool her murderous rage.

Across the pub, Frank stood in a darker corner. He watched Regina watching Ned. And Frank wasn’t happy about it.

Gabel occupied a stool beside the ogre. “I wonder what she sees in him,” he said.

Frank grunted.

“I bet she’d notice you if he were gone,” said Gabel.

“I know what you’re doing, Gabel, but I’m not going to kill him.”

Gabel’s eyes widened. “Heaven forbid. I wouldn’t suggest anything of the sort.”

Frank ground his teeth. The noise was enough to smother nearby conversation. All the soldiers within arm’s length of the very large ogre, including one ogre nearly as large, discreetly moved out of reach of his thick, bone-crushing hands. Gabel patiently waited for Frank to quiet down.

“Anyway, I don’t think you could kill him,” said Gabel, “even if you wanted to.”

Frank glowered down at the orc. “I don’t want to.”

Gabel mumbled with mimicked indifference. “Why would you?”

Frank took a long drink. As a boy, he’d chewed glass whenever nervous or upset or bothered. He’d broken the habit years ago, but tonight he ran his tongue along the mug and scraped his teeth along its edges.

“She’s not thinking clearly,” said Gabel. “Maybe Ned’s mesmerized her. That would explain it, wouldn’t it?”

Frank clenched his fist. He closed his jaws, and a hairline crack split down the mug. Beer dribbled down his chin.

“He can’t mesmerize anyone,” said Frank.

“I would think a secret wizard could do all sorts of unnatural things.”

Frank wiped his chin. “I thought you didn’t believe in secret wizards.”

“I don’t. Not really. But sometimes things happen. Strange things without any reasonable explanation. It just makes me wonder. Maybe there really are secret wizards. And if there are, I wouldn’t put it above such duplicitous sorcerers to use their powers for so base and vile a purpose.”

Frank sucked in a deep breath. “You’re just saying that. You don’t really believe it.”

“No, not really,” admitted Gabel. “But it’s not like I know everything. I could be wrong. Or I could be right even if it is a ludicrous theory I don’t believe myself.” He waved his drink in Regina’s direction, then in Ned’s and back again. “But it’s an absurd situation in the first place if you think about it. So maybe, when things don’t make sense, the logical mind has no choice but to consider absurd alternatives.”

Frank nibbled on his glass. “But it doesn’t make any sense at all. If he’s using magic to entrance her, why is he ignoring her?”

“Maybe he’s just playing hard to get,” said Gabel. “Or maybe he’s just an asshole.”

“He doesn’t seem like an asshole.”

“He doesn’t seem like a secret wizard either. But you can’t always rely on first impressions when it comes to secret wizards.” Gabel grinned. “Or assholes.”

With a disgusted snort, Frank chucked his entire mug in his mouth. He crushed the glass between his powerful jaws.

Gabel jumped onto his stool and reached up to pat Frank’s shoulder. “Oh, what difference does it make? Secret wizard, asshole, whatever else he might be. We can’t kill Ned until we all agree, and even if you and I know it’s the best thing to do, we can be assured Regina won’t. Maybe she’s bewitched. Maybe she’s just got bad taste. I guess that’s just the way it is.”

Frank swallowed loudly. He ran his shard-studded tongue across his blistered lips. “Yeah. Guess so.”

“We are honorable soldiers after all. Without that, what are we?” Gabel nodded to Regina. “Shame though. You might have a shot at her otherwise.”

“You really think so?”

“Who’s to say? Big, handsome ogre such as yourself and a mighty Amazon warrior. I’ve seen stranger things.”

Across the pub, Ned and Miriam shared a chuckle. Regina glowered while twisting her dagger into the table. And Frank, with a contemplative frown, tucked the mug into his left cheek and chewed.