If I Die

20

With our incubus-busting plans rightfully canceled and my father still on the road, we decided to spend what would probably be my last evening on earth finishing the Alien marathon and eating junk food. Em and I hit the grocery store for brownies and enough ice cream to overload our small freezer while Tod left to procure pizza.

I’d just finished popping the first bag of popcorn when the doorbell rang twice in rapid succession, then again before I could get to the door.

I looked through the peephole to see my cousin standing on the front porch, hands on her narrow hips, scowling at my front door. Her new car was parked in the driveway behind mine, shining in the streetlight, a fresh reminder that Sophie had been unleashed on the world as a new driver—a frightening prospect for all of humankind.

Swallowing a growl of frustration, I pulled open the door and frowned at her. “What are you doing here?”

“Dinner, remember?” Sophie brushed past me into the living room, where she scowled at Emma, then at the spread of junk food laid out on the coffee table. “I don’t eat carbs or processed sugar, so I hope you have something better than that.”

“Sophie, dinner was canceled. And it was supposed to be two hours ago.”

She shrugged. “I want to be here even less than you want me here.” Though I had good reason to doubt that. “My dad said if I didn’t come hang out with you for the rest of the night, then give him a ride home when he gets here, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. I said he’d never been more wrong. Then he said he’d donate my car to some charity I’ve never heard of and make me take the bus to school for the rest of my life if I wasn’t at your house in ten minutes. So what is this?” She tossed her purse onto a chair and glanced at Emma, then back at me. “Fashion intervention or suicide watch?”

“It’s gonna be the scene of a homicide if you don’t put bitchy on the back burner,” Emma snapped, and I laughed out loud.

“Seriously, Sophie, you don’t have to stay.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Em and I are just studying for a test.”

“You have enough junk food to feed the girls wrestling team and not a book in sight. Besides, my dad wouldn’t send me over here just to crash a study session. I don’t give a damn what you’re really doing, but I’m not gonna risk my car just so you can do it in privacy. You’re stuck with me till your dad brings my dad back.” She dropped onto the couch and grabbed the remote control. “I hope you don’t mind the TV, ’cause I’m not gonna suffer in silence.”

I knew what my uncle was doing, and it was sweet of him to try to get Sophie to spend some time with me before I died. But even if she felt guilty after I was gone, I couldn’t imagine her actually missing me, and I really didn’t want to spend my last night on earth with my spoiled, bitchy cousin.

Unfortunately, she liked her new car more than she disliked me. Sophie wasn’t going anywhere.

“Fine. But we’re watching Aliens.” I plucked the remote from her fist. “And if you want something more substantial than popcorn, there may be some carrot sticks in the fridge. But they’re about a month old, so they may be more green than orange by now.”

Sophie made a face. “It’s a wonder you’re still alive, the way you eat.”

“Give it one more day,” I mumbled under my breath, and Emma frowned.

“Okay, I got green olives on one side, ’cause I like green olives,” Tod said, half a second after blinking into existence in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen.

Sophie jumped at the sound of his voice and whirled around fast enough to make my head spin. Her eyes widened at the sight of him, and for one irrational moment, I wanted to step in front of him so she couldn’t even look at him. I might only have him for a couple of days, but he was mine. Completely. “Who the hell are you?”

Tod glanced at me with one brow raised in surprise, holding a grease-stained pizza box. “Who am I, Kay?”

I stood and took the pizza from him. “This is my…Tod.”

“Your Tod?” Sophie frowned, then understanding brightened her eyes and she stood, eyeing him like she might assess him for quality control. “You’re the guy from the math hall.” She said it like an accusation. Then she turned to me, reluctantly impressed. “He’s why you dumped Nash?”

Tod’s eyes narrowed in anger. “You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t understand. Which should leave you pretty damn quiet.”

Sophie blinked, and a flash of temper flared in her eyes. “You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough.” Tod had seen Sophie die, and he’d helped reinstate her soul. He’d expelled Avari from her body when she was possessed. He’d seen her insult me and Emma over and over. “What is she doing here?” He asked, following me into the kitchen, where I set the pizza box on the counter and pulled a stack of paper plates from an overhead cabinet.

“Her dad sent her. I think he wants us to spend some time together.”

“Then I’m forced to question his wisdom.”

I handed him a plate, and as I turned to dig some sodas from the fridge, I heard Sophie whisper from the living room. “But who is he? And why the hell do hot guys keep throwing themselves at Kaylee?”

Tod blinked out of the kitchen, and before I could hiss for him to come back, he appeared behind Sophie’s chair and leaned down inches from her ear. “Because she’s nice. Maybe you should try it.”

Sophie nearly jumped out of her own skin, and I couldn’t help laughing, which ruined the stern face I tried to scold Tod with.

“How did you get back there?” she demanded.

Tod shrugged. “The usual way.”

“I didn’t see you…” She glanced up at the path he would have had to take to walk past her.

Tod shrugged. “Maybe you’re losing it. I hear they make pills for that.”

Em laughed and Sophie glared at him, and I was thoroughly amused to realize she was—for maybe the first time ever—speechless.

Emma started the movie, and Sophie ate the tomatoes and olives from her slice of pizza, but instead of watching Aliens, she watched me and Tod. Which made us both uncomfortable. He wasn’t accustomed to being seen by people he didn’t like, and I was sure she was watching us and thinking about Nash, and my guilt compounded under her scrutiny.

Four hours later, Sophie slouched over in her chair, asleep, and Emma fell into a food coma with Styx on her lap, chocolate on her breath, and Ripley fighting prison planet aliens on the TV. I decided to let her sleep until my dad got home, so Tod and I would have a little semi-privacy.

“Thanks for staying,” I whispered to keep from waking Emma. “I can’t think of a better way to spend my last night.” Sophie, not withstanding.

“Beats the hell out of fighting an evil math teacher, doesn’t it?” he said, curling the fingers of his free hand around mine. “Or keeping Nash from sneaking out to replace his stash.”

“I wish there was something we could do for him.”

“If there were, I’d be doing it. Sabine will call if she needs help,” Tod said, and that reminded me of something I’d meant to ask him earlier.

“Did she tell you why I called her on Sunday?” I asked, sitting up so I could see his face. “Right before she called and told you to interrupt me and Nash?” When I’d asked her for advice about sex…

Tod’s irises swirled in a twist of amusement, and I wanted to cover my face with both hands. “There’s no shame in learning from the voice of experience,” he said.

“Aggghhh!” I snatched a couch pillow and screamed into it, venting embarrassment, and only stopped when Tod pulled the pillow from my grasp, still smiling.

“Kay, I thought it was cute.” He frowned, then rephrased. “Well, now I think it’s cute. At the time…not so much.”

“It’s not cute!” I snapped, considering pulling the throw blanket over my head. “It’s humiliating.”

“You’re cute when you’re humiliated.”

“I’m glad you think so.” I ran my hands through my hair to smooth it after the pillow incident. “That seems to be my perpetual state.”

“Yeah, well, that’s better than my perpetual state of not-really-alive, right?”

“I don’t know, from where I’m sitting, facing actual death, dead-but-still-here looks pretty good.”

“Well, it’s not,” Tod said, and I was surprised by his sharp tone. “Being with you today was beyond amazing. But it doesn’t accurately reflect the rest of my afterlife. Being alone in a crowd with you is one thing. But being alone for the rest of eternity?” He shook his head slowly. “You don’t want this, Kaylee. I don’t want this for you. And neither would your dad.”

Except that I wouldn’t be alone, if I were a reaper, and neither would Tod. We’d be together. But… “Don’t worry. I don’t qualify, right?” Because I was actually scheduled to die. “The reapers won’t even be looking at me.” Except for Tod, and whoever they sent for my soul. “I’m actually going to die.”

Tod started to respond—probably ready to convince me that true death was a mercy—but then his phone rang from his pocket, cutting off whatever he’d been about to say. “It’s Sabine,” he said, glancing at the display. “Shit.”

An uneasy feeling settled into my stomach, worry for him amplifying my guilt.

“Go ahead,” I said, when he looked unsure about answering. “She wouldn’t call if she didn’t need something.”

Tod flipped open his phone, and though I only heard his half of the conversation, the gist of it was clear. Nash had become too much for her to handle, at least for the moment. “Okay, I’ll be right there.” The reaper hung up and met my gaze, irritation swirling slowly in his. “His temperature keeps dropping and he can’t keep anything down. They need me to go get my mom.” Because he could blink her home from work faster than she could drive.

“Isn’t that a little severe? He’s only been sober for, like twelve hours.”

“The relapse seems to be hitting him harder than the original addiction. That could mean he’s using a different source this time—not Avari—or that he’s taking a stronger dose. Or that his body’s less able to fight the physical backlash this time because none of this is new anymore.”

The possibilities did nothing to lessen my fear for him, settling onto me like a physical weight. This was my fault, even if I hadn’t popped a balloon in his face this time.

“I have to go,” Tod said, and my hand tightened around his involuntarily while my heart thudded in my ear.

“I know. It’s fine.” But it wasn’t. Not really. It was almost midnight. Almost Thursday. Almost the day of my death. My dad wasn’t back yet, my cousin and best friend were sleeping peacefully without the crippling fear I couldn’t shake free from, and death was looming over my shoulder, lurking in every shadow I glanced at, every panicked beat of my heart. “Nash needs you.” I knew that. But letting go of Tod’s hand was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.

“I’m so sorry, Kaylee. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he promised, confliction stirring the blue depths of his eyes, like a storm over the ocean.

I nodded mutely. It meant a lot to me that he didn’t smile and try to pretend like everything was okay. Everything was almost over, and every breath I took brought that reality closer. Soon, I’d take a breath and it would turn out to be my last. And the world wouldn’t care.

“Okay, then, I’ll be back as soon as I can talk someone into taking my shift.” He leaned in for a goodbye kiss, and I held him with one hand behind his head when he tried to pull away, determined to make this kiss last a while, in case it was my last. Because over his shoulder the microwave clock taunted me from the kitchen, blinking 12:04 over and over.

Thursday had come.

Today I would die.

With Tod gone, I curled up under the blanket, only half watching the movie while Emma slept beside me on two of the couch cushions, Styx snoring softly in the crook of her arm. In spite of my determination not to waste any of my last day, I was starting to nod off when Em’s phone buzzed on the coffee table. She had a text.

I picked it up, debating waking her, and read the message on the screen, from her sister, Traci.

Got dumped. Need sugar. Where r u?

Crap. Traci was home alone. She’d probably be fine—surely Beck had come and gone hours ago—but I wasn’t willing to take a chance with Em’s sister.

Come to Kaylee’s, I typed. We have junk food.

Traci’s next text asked for the address, so I gave it to her. When she said she’d be right over, I unlocked the front door, then threw away the candy wrappers and half-eaten popcorn from our own binge, secretly kind of glad for the excuse to wake up Emma when her sister arrived.

Usually when Traci got dumped, she and her best friend would binge drink, bad-mouthing the new ex with drunken abandon, so the thought that she wanted comfort this time from her little sister and her sister’s best friend was…unexpected. And the coincidental timing was…too much to believe. And Traci already knew where I lived…

I stopped halfway to the kitchen with three empty, sticky glasses. That text wasn’t from Traci…

Shit! I set the glasses on the nearest end table and ran to the front door, where I twisted the dead bolt and threaded the chain lock through its channel. Then I raced across the living room and through the kitchen to double-check the locks on the back door, but even with the house relatively secure, I couldn’t make my pulse slow into the normal range.

I rounded the kitchen table, glancing around in search of my phone, then stopped cold with one glance into the living room.

“Kaylee Cavanaugh.” Mr. Beck stood in the middle of the room in snug jeans and a T-shirt, staring at me. No, glaring at me.

Fear raced along my spine and into every nerve ending in my body. I wiped sweat from my palms onto my jeans, and fought for enough calm to think clearly. “How’d you get in here?”

“Doors and locks aren’t much of a problem for me.” He’d come in through the Netherworld, which explained how he’d gotten in to see Farrah so many times….

Escape options flittered through my head, as worthless as a swarm of moths, mostly because Em and Sophie were still sleeping, and Beck stood between us. I couldn’t leave without them. “I don’t suppose you’d go away, if I ask nicely?”

“Not without what I came for,” he said, his voice low, and angry, and very un-teacherlike. “My plan was to call your bluff this evening, but Emma’s house was deserted. Any idea how that happened?”

“We know what you are,” I said, unwilling to answer his questions and unable to quiet the cold foreboding swelling inside me.

“Yeah, I picked up on that during your little role-playing exercise yesterday, and at first I couldn’t figure out how you knew. Then I noticed your bracelet.” He glanced at my wrist, and I realized I was twisting the braided fiber nervously. “And I noticed that Emma wore one, too. Dissimulatus, right? Which means you’re trying to hide something. Your species, maybe?”

“Emma’s human.” That was the exception in my no-revelation policy. I wanted no mistake about the fact that she would not be the best walking incubator.

“Yes, I figured that out when I met her sister. And your other friend…?” He glanced at Sophie over his shoulder.

“She’s not a friend. She’s my cousin. And she’s human, too.”

“But you’re not human, are you?”

“Where’s Traci?” I demanded, glancing at the clock on the microwave. 12:10. My dad or Tod could show up anytime. I just had to stall….

“She’s safe in her own bed.” Beck stepped into the kitchen doorway, and I stepped back, and too late I realized I’d just blocked myself into the U-shaped kitchen. “And—not to flatter myself—it looks like she’s going to sleep straight through till morning. At least. But on the bright side, she’s forgotten all about that loser boyfriend.”

Shitshitshit! “You…fed from her?” I could hear my own heartbeat echo in my ears, a cadence of fear and fury that had no outlet.

Beck leaned against the kitchen door frame, arms crossed over the lines of a perfectly sculpted chest barely hidden beneath his snug T-shirt. “I prefer to think of it as a mutual exchange of services. She was well compensated. Ask her, if you don’t believe me.”

His meaning sank in, and revulsion crawled over me like an army of flies buzzing beneath my skin. “She’s alive?”

“She is. And whether or not she stays alive depends on you.”

I blinked, running down the clock with my silence. Waiting for help, because I was in over my head. I couldn’t fight an incubus. I didn’t even know how. But I couldn’t let Traci die, if there was any way I could stop it. And even if I was willing to leave Emma and Sophie—and I wasn’t—I couldn’t escape into the Netherworld because he’d only follow me. Or take my best friend or my cousin.

My gaze slid toward Emma, then Sophie, both somehow still asleep, and he glanced at them over his shoulder. “Don’t worry. They’re going to sleep for a while.”

“You’re feeding from them in their sleep?” How was that even possible?

“Just enough to keep them out of the way. Our desires don’t sleep, even when we do, which makes sleepers the psychic version of fast food.”

“I’ll kill you if you hurt either of them.”

Beck laughed out loud. “Do you know where I spent my evening, Kaylee? After I left Miss Marshall to her rest?” I shook my head, but he didn’t seem to notice. “I went to check on a former student, who’s been faithfully nurturing a precious little bundle of mine, in spite of her own failing health.”

Uh-oh. “Farrah?”

He smiled, like I’d just performed a particularly impressive magic trick. “That’s why you’re such a good student, Kaylee—you do your homework.”

I shrugged and took another glance at the clock. 12:12. Had time actually stopped? “How is Farrah?”

The glint of dark humor faded in Beck’s eyes as they narrowed. “Farrah is dead. I took her to the Netherworld to give birth in peace, and she delivered my son with her last breath. He died in my arms, less than fifteen minutes later. Months of hard work and hope, gone.” He stepped closer, and again I stepped back, until my spine hit the edge of the kitchen counter. There was nowhere left to go.

“Farrah was seven months pregnant,” he said. “The infant would have been viable—if I’d had a soul to give him.” Another step toward me, and panic echoed in every whoosh of my racing pulse. “But when I took my newborn son to collect the soul kept warm for him in the body of a certain young syphon, she was gone. And my son died, staring up at me with blind eyes, empty for want of a soul.” Fury blazed in his own eyes, like he was the bonfire and I was the fuel. “You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Ms. Cavanaugh?”

“Lydia wasn’t crazy,” I whispered, then cleared my voice, determined to project both volume and confidence I didn’t feel. “She shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”

“Yes, but she was there, and her soul was mine for the taking. You’ve cost me a soul, Ms. Cavanaugh, and you’re going to make up for that loss tonight.”

I burst into laughter, grimly, and maybe inappropriately amused by the irony. “You’re out of luck, Mr. Beck.” And the truth of that statement—the unexpected upside to my imminent death—rolled through me on a sudden surge of reckless courage. I braced my hands on the counter behind me and hopped onto it, my legs dangling in front of the cabinet doors, suddenly a bit more confident because of what I knew and he did not. “You can’t get life out of me, Mr. Beck. I’m going to die today, so I’m no use to you. So why don’t you just go away?”

Beck blinked, and I relished those short seconds of surprise. Then they died a swift, brutal death. “If I wanted you to carry my child, your expiration date would be a bit of a problem. Fortunately, that’s not what I have in mind for you. My inherent charm works best on humans. The bitter irony in that is that humans are rarely able to carry an incubus baby to full term, and never able to provide the infant with a soul.”

I shrugged, trying not to let him see my renewed fear. “Sucks for you.”

He nodded solemnly. “Succinctly put. I can either breed with a human and look elsewhere for a soul, or I can try to force someone in possession of the desired soul to carry my child. And since I find physical force a repulsive way to start new life, I have no use for your body. I was going to have to kill you for your soul anyway.” He shrugged, evidently satisfied with how fate had dealt the cards. “But on the bright side, at least you no longer have to wonder how you’re going to die.”