How to Rescue a Dead Princess

“And then I re-read them. And found it. An inconsistency. The lovers couldn't have met that night under a full moon, because the full moon wasn't until the following week according to the dates I'd already established! My book was worthless! I shredded it and ate the pieces, and vowed that one day I would bring this entire Generic Fantasy Land to its knees!”

“How tacky,” said Yvonne.

“And I shall succeed!” shouted the Dark One, raising his arms dramatically. “Guards, kill him!”

“Wait!” said Randall. “Don't do this! All of you—you've sided with the forces of evil! Look at him! Those dark clothes, the snarl in his voice—that man is evil incarnate! He's bad! If you work for the bad guy, well, that makes you all bad, too! And bad isn't as good as good! Otherwise bad would be good and good would be bad, and the world just doesn't work that way!”

“I think he's right!” said one of the guards.

“He sure is, but I wanna kill somebody!” said another.

“You mindless drones, I said kill him!” the Dark One roared.

“No!” said Randall. “I know how we can work this out!”

“How?”

“Two hundred years ago, there was another war between Good and Evil. After years and hundreds of bloody battles, the leaders finally came up with the proper way to settle their dispute. A game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Loser gets filled with arrows!”

The Dark One considered that. “Very well.” He held out a fist. “On three?”

Randall held out his own fist. “On three.”

Together: “One ... two...”

All eyes were upon their hands.

“Three!”

They made their selections.

Randall chose rock.

The Dark One chose paper.

There was a moment of deep, reflective silence.

“Rock bashes the hell out of paper!” Randall shouted.

“Huh? But I thought—” said the Dark One, as a hail of arrows sailed at him, puncturing his armor. He screamed in the agony of defeat and tumbled over the side of the pit, falling into the lava. The sizzle of his evil body being dissolved would linger in the memories of all present for lengths of time varying from twenty-three years to six seconds.

Evil had lost.

“So ... now what do we do?” asked Scrivener.

“As his loyal servant, I'd say you should jump in there after him,” said Randall.

“I've got a better idea. How about we all make the change in our hearts and become good! We will rebuild what we have destroyed! We will make this land more beautiful than it has ever been! We will create a brand new Generic Fantasy Land!”

“Nah,” said Randall. “Jump in.”

“We can do it!” said one of the guards. “I hereby devote myself to the pursuit of total goodness! And I pledge my loyalty to our new leader, the great Randall!”

“Hail! Hail!” shouted the other guards in unison. “All hail Randall the Great!”

“I thank you for this honor,” said Randall. “But I'm afraid I cannot lead you. You see—”

“I'll lead,” said Scrivener.

“Hail! Hail!” shouted the guards. “All hail Scrivener the Great! All hail our new leader! Hail! Hail! Hail!”

As it turned out, most of them lost interest in their new pursuit after only a couple weeks. But for a short while things were pretty good.

Chapter 26

The Final, Final Battle

“ANSWER THAT, please,” said Grysh to Demon Baby as there came a tap, tap, tapping at the mausoleum door. “But first remove the silly antlers hat from the Sir William statue in case it's somebody dignified.”

Demon Baby removed the hat and quickly wiped off the beard and mustache he'd drawn on Sir William's face. When he opened the door, Randall and Shreddriff pushed past him and walked over to Grysh. Randall held a sword, and their expressions made it perfectly clear that they were not present for Happy Hour.

“You deceptive crone-woman!” said Randall. “There was never any Necklace of Power! But listen, I busted my keister to get a toenail from Jenstina and the berserker Shreddriff, as well as the crystal that was formerly in the Necklace of Powerfulness, so you better be able to undo the damage!”

Grysh snapped her fingers, and the crystal popped out of Randall's hand and flew into her own. “Ah, yes,” she said. “This will do just fine. There's just one minor little problem.”

“What's that?”

“I don't feel like it, being evil and all.”

“I see,” said Randall. “What if I said I'd located your one true love, Romeoo?”

“I'd say something like ‘Wow!’ Or perhaps ‘Gosh!'”

“I've learned a lot during my adventures, and when I went back to get the crystal, I learned probably the most interesting thing of all. Come on in,” Randall said, raising his voice to be heard outside the mausoleum. Scar entered.

“Who is this?”

“Grysh, meet Scarlet, formerly known as Romeoo.”

“I beg your &#@*!%$ pardon?”

“It's the truth,” said Scar, tears flowing down her cheeks. “I was angry at you, but I knew I could never be with another woman again. And so I visited the wizard Turville and had him transform me into one.”

“Turville?” said Grysh, incredulous. “The guy's a quack and a half!”

“That's what I found out! To make sure you would never recognize me if we should meet again, I had him perform plastic surgery on my face ... but he messed it up, leaving me with this horrible scar!”

“This is wonderful!” said Grysh. “I can revert you to your original looks and gender, then we can start all over! You still love me, don't you?”

Scar sighed. “Of course I still love you. But not as much. Because you're not the beautiful woman I once loved. You're more along the lines of a hag from hell.”

“I can change!” said Grysh, transforming into her beautiful state. “See? I'm gorgeous!”

“It's not your outer beauty I'm concerned with. It's the beauty that lies within that is important.”

Grysh tapped her stomach. “You won't see a more aesthetically pleasing gall bladder anywhere!”

“The gall bladder is a little higher up,” Scar said.

“Be that way, then!” Grysh screamed, letting loose with a bolt of lightning that was supposed to incinerate Scar but got Demon Baby instead. “I'll destroy you all! I'll destroy this entire forest!”

She raised her arms, and the walls and ceiling of the mausoleum exploded. Stone pieces flew off into the sky and out of sight, leaving nothing but the floor. Yvonne, Jack, Toby, and Bug looked at each other uncomfortably.

“Guess this blows our surprise entrance,” said Yvonne.

“Vandalism is nothing to be taken lightly,” remarked one of the graveyard zombies.

Suddenly all of the trees burst into flames, surrounding everyone with a raging inferno. “Burn!” Grysh shouted. “Burn to the ground and let nothing grow in your place!”

“Talkin’ to trees,” said Jack. “Somebody's gone looney.”

Grysh glared at Randall, her eyes glowing bright red with fury, or lack of sleep. “Now, you shall suffer an agony beyond that of even Steven of Jardins, whose pinky was slammed in the rusty metal gates of Hell Land not twenty, not thirty, but six times!”

“Stop this!” shouted Randall. “Having the mother of all cows isn't going to solve anything! If it's inner beauty that Scar is interested in, prove that you have it!”

Grysh snapped her fingers. A cute little bunny rabbit appeared in her hand. “See?” she said. “I'm not going to kill this rabbit!” The rabbit bit her on the finger, hard. “I'm still not killing it!” The rabbit dropped a series of bunny pellets on her. “How about this? I'll give it a merciful death! That shows inner beauty, right?”

“It would be better if you just let the rabbit go.”

Grysh set the rabbit down, and it scampered off into the woods, which were unfortunately still a raging inferno. “Was that good enough?”

Scar shook her head. “I'm sorry, Grysh, but it's over between us. No more kissy-wissies. No more snugglie-wugglies. No more spanky-wankies.”

“Unless, of course,” said Randall, a little annoyed, “you prove your inner beauty in such a way that Scar feels compelled to love you again, which was not anticipated as being that difficult, and which would be the whole reason he/she was brought here. Right, Scar?”

“Oh, that's right. Re-animate the torched rabbit and we'll talk.”

“No!” Randall exclaimed. “Not the rabbit! The princess!”

“What have you got against rabbits?” Scar asked.

“I don't have anything against rabbits!”

“Rabbits serve a useful ecological purpose, you know.”

“I know, but the princess is much more important!”

“The princess doesn't have a cute little twitching nose.”

“Very well,” said Grysh. “If I bring the rabbit back from the ashes and return it to life, will you be my eternal lover?”

“I will,” said Scar.

“No! No! No!” shouted Randall. “The princess! We need the princess back! There will always be rabbits! Rabbits are eternal! Princess Janice is not!”

“He has kind of a one-track-mind, doesn't he?” asked Grysh.

“I think he's pretty darn selfish, myself.”

“Selfish?” asked Randall. “Look, you hypocritical squirrel slayer—”

“They were dead when we found them!”

“Does that excuse your abuse of their tiny cute little dead squirrel bodies? I think not!”

“Ignore him!” said Grysh. “I will now return the bunny to life.” She snapped her fingers, and a bright glow came from the burning woods. The rabbit came running across the path, bouncing happily, and ran back into the inferno on the opposite side.

“Silly rabbit,” said Grysh.

“These tricks are for kids,” said Randall. “This is wimpy stuff. Darn it, this is a chance to prove your powers!”

“I was pretty impressed by the rabbit thing, myself,” said Jack.

Grysh looked at the crystal, thoughtfully. “I'll make you a deal. I'll return the knight to the flesh, but the princess stays ashy. Otherwise, what reason would you have to come back and visit?”

With that, she snapped her fingers, and the statue of Sir William transformed into the real-life version of the knight, which was more of a pinkish hue without quite as rocky an exterior. Sir William stood there, dumbfounded, for a moment, then proceeded to drop face-first onto the floor.

“He'll be okay once he recovers,” said Grysh. “Now if you'll excuse me, I must return my Loaf of Love back into a man.”

“I'm not leaving until you bring back the princess,” said Randall. “We had a deal.”

“Deals are made to be broken.”

“So are witches who fail to keep their word.”

“You're aware, of course, that with one small gesture I could disintegrate you.”

“I'm aware of that.”

“I wasn't,” said Jack, backing away.

Suddenly Randall grabbed Scar and pulled him/her toward him, pressing the tip of his sword against his/her back. “Make you a brand spanking new deal. Bring the princess back to life and your honey-pot won't get a sword through him/her.”

“But I can just bring him/her right back to life,” said Grysh. “Duuuuh.”

“Perhaps. But my guess is that he/she doesn't want to deal with the heartache of having his/her heart poked. And for you to let him/her die proves that you care more about your evil ways than you do about him/her.”

“Shut up and die,” said Grysh, throwing a bolt of lightning at Randall. Her aim was a bit off, and the bolt struck Scar, turning her into a pile of dust that got all over Randall's clothes. “Drat,” said the witch. “That's the sixth time I've done that today. No, wait, the seventh.”

Another bolt of lightning formed in her hand. “Say goodbye to your need for oxygen,” she said.

“You don't want to do that!” Randall told her.

“Yes I do.”

“No, really, you don't. Because if you fry me, my ashes will get mixed up with Scar's, and then when you return us to the flesh the sexual identity problems will be even more complicated!”

The lightning bolt in her hand vanished. “You have a point. I hate that.”

“All right, time for yet another renegotiation. Bring the princess back to life...” he held his arm up to his mouth, “...and I won't lick up these ashes.”

Grysh glared at him. “Very well. You've won this round. I will return her to life, thus completing your quest. Give me the toenail. Berserker, I'm going to need you to stare slack-jawed at the floor for a moment. Where's the maiden breath?”

Yvonne stepped forward. “Where should I breathe?”

“Oh, just breathing in general is good enough. That's all the materials ... let's get started.” She used her impressive magical abilities to bring the Princess Janice ashes into a pile in front of her, then stared into the crystal. “Oh, great Crystal of Powerfulness, I bid thee ... unfry this woman and I won't ask for anything else for a while!”

A beam of white light shot from the crystal, striking the ashes. The ashes began to swirl around, making some neat patterns, soon moving into the shape of a body. There was a blinding flash of light, and then Princess Janice lay on the floor, her body restored. Still dead, but restored.

The onlookers applauded.

“Now, bring her back to life,” said Randall.

Grysh snapped her fingers. Princess Janice opened her eyes, just as Sir William rolled over and muttered something incomprehensible. Princess Janice also babbled something, and then both of them lost consciousness again.

“They might act a bit funny,” said Grysh. “That's to be expected. They also might have found religion.”

She used the crystal again, and the ashes on Randall's clothing swirled around to form a body. After the flash of light, Romeoo lay on the floor. A snap of Grysh's fingers, and he sat up, then rolled his eyes into the back of his head and fell back down.

“I don't know how to thank you!” said Randall.

“Say ‘thank you.'”

“Thank you.” Randall put his arms around Yvonne. “I can't believe it. Everything worked out in the end!”

“Well,” said Jack, “the princess never did get to Rainey kingdom, so really we could look at this as one big failure.”

“But I defeated the Dark One, which cancels out the fact that we failed in the princess escort. And I've found the bravery and leadership skills hidden deep within myself.”

“And we found each other,” said Yvonne.

“Okay, the new romance adds some points on the success side,” said Jack, “but the town of Warfield burned down, which is a negative, and the guard never did get his pony.”

“You're right,” said Randall, “but the wise man at the top of the cliff became a better person because of me.”

“Where is he, anyway?” asked Jack. “I kind of expected him to show up again at some point.”

“Ah, he wasn't that important,” said Randall. “Overall, I think this whole adventure can be said to have a happy ending. And now I'm going to make it happier.” He got down on one knee. “Yvonne, will you marry me?”

“Oh, I don't know ... do you really think our love can stand the trials and tribulations that result from such a brief courtship? We haven't even goosed each other yet.”

“We can make it work,” said Randall. “We'll seek counseling if we need to, but we'll make it work.”

“I love you so much. Of course I'll marry you.”

Romeoo sat up again. “Grysh, will you marry me as well?”

“No, but I'll live with you.”

“Good enough.” Romeoo managed to get to his feet, and they shared a kiss of pure passion.

“Wanna watch a jousting match sometime?” Jack asked Toby.

“Sure. Why not?”

“I love everybody!” said Bug.

The flames of the forest died out, and the trees sprouted back up, green and covered with flowers in full bloom. The rabbit bounced back into the clearing, unharmed. The zombies shambled off, free at last.

It was a truly wonderful moment.

Chapter 27

You Can Relax, It's Almost Over

AS YVONNE entered the courtyard in her wedding gown, the band struck up a blues version of “Here Comes the Bride.” She walked down the aisle, whispering “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot,” to keep herself on track. One of the guests stood up and began throwing rice.

“Not yet, you idiot!” snapped his wife, pulling him down.

Yvonne took her place next to Randall, and they exchanged smiles. Jack stood in his position as Best Man, wearing a shirt that read “Marriage Sucks.”

The reverend cleared his throat, and addressed the gatherers. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of these fine people. They have decided to get married. How long they'll stay that way is anyone's guess, since in these permissive times it seems like you get married, stick with it until you get a little bored, then hop over to the next spouse in line. Well, that just makes me sick!”

He cracked his knuckles, then continued. “Whatever happened to morals? Whatever happened to marrying people you liked? Whatever happened to the days when somebody caught carrying around a scroll with smutty pictures on it would feel ashamed? What's the matter with you people? Perverts, all of you! Shaaaaaaame on you!”

The wedding guests murmured agreement amongst themselves.

The reverend smiled at Yvonne. “I understand the bride would like to read a poem to her love.”

Yvonne nodded and pulled a piece of paper out of her bodice. “Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.”

Everyone sighed at the beauty of her words. Randall knew that this was a love that would survive for all eternity.

“So, Randall,” said the reverend, “do you take Yvonne, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good moods and in PMS, ‘till death do you part?”

“Yep,” said Randall.

“Great, that makes things move much more smoothly. And Yvonne, do you take Randall, to have and to hold, even when he's sick and whining like a baby, even when he leaves the cap off the toothpaste so that a hardened blob forms on the top and you have to pull it off and it sticks to your fingers, ‘till death do you part?”

“Uh-huh.”

“All right, two for two. Now, is there anyone out there who has a reason why these two should not be wed?”

A man thought about it for a moment, then raised his hand. “I dunno, maybe something like he really doesn't understand her true feelings or something like that.”

“Yes, that's certainly a good reason. Any others?”

“She could be marrying him for his money,” said a woman.

“Yes, yes,” said the reverend.

“He could snore all night!” said Toby.

“And he could practice human sacrifice!” another woman declared.

“Good reasons, everybody,” said the reverend. “So ... I guess that's about it. Pucker up and suck face.”

Randall started to lean towards his bride, then froze as a sudden realization hit him. He faced the audience and pointed where Sir William and Princess Janice were seated.

“It just became clear to me,” he said, strolling down the aisle towards them. “The whole thing about escorting the princess to the Kingdom of Rainey, that was just a set-up! You weren't going there on a mission of goodwill, you were going there as a spies for the Dark One!”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” said Sir William.

“He's accusing you of espionage,” said Yvonne, helpfully.

“That's absurd. I'm the most respected knight in the king's army! Everyone loves me! I make balloon animals at all the children's birthday parties!”

“But that, like the rest of your deeds, is an exaggeration! I was at the last birthday party, and all you made were balloon snakes, which, as we all know, require virtually no skill to create!”

Sir William stood up. “But that doesn't make me a spy!”

“Yes it does!” shouted Jack. “Let's get him!”

“No, it doesn't,” said Randall. “But this does. I'd been suspicious of the whole mission ever since you said it was only going to be you and I doing a royalty escort, which is unheard of. But what clinched it was the gibberish you mumbled after you were cured of your stone affliction. Now, I assumed at the time that it was only the typical gibberish one would mumble upon returning to flesh and blood, but a long-ago lesson in the language of the Inter-Generic Fantasy Land Spy Council just flashed before my brain! What you said, roughly translated, was ‘Boy, I hope that being turned into a statue for so long doesn't affect my plans to act as a spy for the Dark One!'”

There was a collective gasp from the wedding guests. Princess Janice shoved Sir William away from her. “You traitor!”

“Not so fast, Princess,” said Randall. “Because when you returned from the dead, you said something in the very same language! ‘Don't worry, my secret lover, we'll have plenty of time to do it after we assassinate my father!'”

“You're lying!” shouted the princess. “Daddy, he's lying!”

King Waldo of Mosiman stood up. “Randall, do you have any proof to back up these accusations?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Princess, would you care to explain to everyone why you're wearing that turtleneck gown?”

Princess Janice looked nervous. “Symbolic reasons. It's plaid—the texture of Union.”

“I see. Would you mind exposing your neck?”

“Randall, where is this leading?” the king demanded.

“Your highness, if you'd quit asking dim-witted questions this would be over much more quickly. Princess, please uncover your neck for the rest of us.”

“Absolutely not!”

“I'll do it!” said a man seated directly behind her. He reached forward and pulled down the collar of the gown, revealing an enormous hickey. There was another collective gasp.

“Noooooooooooo!” the princess shrieked.

“Only one man in this kingdom is capable of producing hickeys of that magnitude!” said Randall. “Sir William!”

Sir William pulled the king to his feet, then took out a dagger and pressed it against his neck. “Nobody move!” he shouted. “Anybody tries anything and the king dies!”

The guests were all out of collective gasps. Princess Janice slapped her forehead in frustration. “You ignorant boob! Proof of a dalliance between us wasn't proof that we were spies!”

“D'oh!”

“Would everyone please move your feet out of the way?” Princess Janice asked the people in their row. “Pardon me, coming through ... coming through...”

Princess Janice, Sir William, and the hostage king stepped out into the center aisle. “You're right,” said the princess. “We were spies! We were going to steal information regarding the extremely effective torture techniques that went on in the Rainey dungeons and pass them onto the Dark One so he might better discipline his followers!”

“Ow!” said the king. “You're poking me!”

“It's a shame that you had to confront us,” the princess told Randall. “With the Dark One dead, we were just going to lay low until the next insane dictator wanna-be rose to power! But now we're going into hiding, taking my father with us! If anyone tries to follow, we'll kill him!”

“Meaning him as in the king, or him as in the follower?”

“Both!” They hurried up the aisle and out of the courtyard, disappearing from sight.

“Somebody do something!” shouted the reverend, flapping his arms up and down in panic.

“I'll go after them!” said Randall. “It's my duty!”

“No!” said Yvonne, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Because this adventure is over. You will go after them and perform a daring rescue, but save it for next time.”

“She's right,” said Jack. “You've done well, and inspired us all. And someday, when we want to hear another tale of the exploits of the mighty Randall, perhaps we shall listen to the story of how you saved the king from a certain death at the hands of his own daughter. But for now, kiss Yvonne.”

Randall and Yvonne locked eyes. “I love you,” said Randall.

“And I love you,” said Yvonne.

“I love you more.”

“I love you more.”

“Not a chance.”

“All the chances in the world.”

“No way.”

“Yes way.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You're wrong,” said Randall, getting angry.

“You think you're always right,” said Yvonne, also angry.

“You're so disagreeable all the time!”

“Get away from me, you jerk!”

“Hey!” shouted Bug. “You two are in love!”

Randall and Yvonne stared into each other's eyes again, and all the love returned. “Kiss me,” whispered Yvonne.

Their lips met with an unmatched passion. All of the guests began applauding and cheering and going “Woooooo!” A wizard cast a spell filling the air with fireworks, which were lost upon the crowd because it was daylight.

“All hail Randall and Yvonne!” shouted Toby. “May their love be sweaty for the rest of their years!”

“Hail Randall and Yvonne!” the guests shouted.

They broke the kiss with a sound like a suction cup being pulled off glass. “Oh, Randall,” said Yvonne. “This is the happiest day of my life!”

“Mine, too,” said Randall. “In fact, I think it's the happiest day in the lives of everyone here!”

There was a cheer of resounding agreement.

“We're going to live in pure joy from now on,” said Randall. “I mean, after all that's happened to us since our adventure began, what else could possibly go wrong?”

Everyone cringed and waited for it to happen.

Minutes passed.

Nothing.

Randall and Yvonne kissed again, to the accompaniment of a cheer of happiness greater than anything in the past or future.

Epilogue

AND THEY lived happily ever after....

....

....

...until labor pains began....

~The End~