Hell Fire

Destiny for Sale or Rent

Agnes stammered. I didn’t blame her. I wouldn’t have wanted to be caught trying to organize this man’s life for him, even if I did know best. But she didn’t look frightened; instead her gaze gobbled him up. As she stared up at him, her mouth went soft and she propped her chin in her hand.

Curious, I brushed her jacket with my fingertips. I didn’t expect much of a burn; there shouldn’t be any trauma associated with this object. The pain was slight, and the coat showed me that they usually walked out together. He made sure she got to her car safely each night, and he sometimes stood by the driver’s side, chatting to her, after he shut her door. Wonder if he knows how much that means. I could see her face tilted up toward him, reflected back in the rearview mirror, and these moments meant everything to her.

“You don’t have time to talk to these folks tonight, Phillip,” Miss Pettigrew said then. “They should schedule a proper appointment.”

And you won’t miss your nightly date.

The real estate agent dismissed her concerns with a wave of one meaty paw. “Go home, Agnes. I can talk to these folks without you hovering, so don’t worry. You won’t miss Wheel of Fortune. Lock up on your way out and flip the sign to ‘Closed.’ I can surely handle this myself.”

Her lips drooped as she gathered up her purse, but she didn’t waste any time in getting herself out the front door. She probably wanted to make it home before dark. I offered a pleasant wave, and she frowned before turning to hurry down the walk, head down in anticipation of a coming storm.

“Thanks for your help,” I said with a polite smile. He was the first normal person we’d met in Kilmer. He didn’t seem nervous or frightened—just eager to sell us something, which fit the real estate agent profile to a T. His face was broad as an iron skillet, pink skinned, and smooth. His eyes shone like blue stones, but with considerably more warmth.

“Not at all. I’m Phil Regis.” He shook my hand with a grasp that ground my knuckles a bit, and then he ran a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair, sheepish, as if he constantly forgot his own strength.

Mr. Regis stepped back and waved us into his office, a good-sized space with a big cherry desk littered with pens and paperwork. The pictures in here were prettier than the ones in the waiting area, good watercolors that might be worth something. I’d need to look at the signatures before I could say for sure. Chance and I settled into padded vinyl chairs on the other side of the desk.

“Now then,” Regis said, “I heard something about y’all needing a rental. Are you newlyweds? Because I could probably get you a mortgage cheaper than you’d expect. It’s a buyer’s market, you know.” He gave a deep laugh that swelled his chest like a bellows.

Chance shook his head, though I don’t know whether he was disagreeing with the buyer’s market, the mortgage, or our being newlyweds. “We’re just vacationing in the area. I’d like to let for a month while we’re exploring all the historic sites nearby.”

“Huh,” said Regis. It was a thoughtful sound, not a doubtful one. “We don’t have much to rent, but I do manage a couple properties that might fit the bill.”

“The receptionist mentioned as much,” I said. “Can we take a look?”

“Sure, sure.” He stood, crossing past us into the waiting area. We heard him rummaging through Agnes’s desk; then he returned shortly with a black three-ring binder lofted in triumph. “She tries to hide it from me. Fool woman thinks I’ll put the pages out of order or something.” Regis shook his head, but I noted underlying fondness in his tone.

“She did seem protective,” Chance observed.

“And isn’t that a hoot?” Regis laughed. “She seems to think the world will come to an end if someone sees me without an appointment. It’s beneath my consequence, according to Agnes.”

“Thanks for seeing us,” I said again, hoping to nudge him back on track.

The real estate agent flipped through the binder, then tapped a white piece of paper with handwritten notes. I admired the penmanship, even upside down, and imagined Agnes deserved the credit. A picture had been stapled to the top of the listing. He spun the book so we could take a look.

“This farmhouse belonged to Mrs. Everett. She passed away, oh, a good three years ago. She had no kin, so I bought the property myself for a song. I intended to flip it—” At our blank looks, he explained, “Renovate, then sell on a mark-up. So far I’ve had no luck.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Superstitious idiots. Mrs. Everett passed away there. In her sleep,” the real estate agent hastened to add. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, but I can’t even get anybody out there to remodel the place. So other than having it dusted and aired out every few months, I haven’t been able to do anything with it. So it’s still mostly furnished.”

I wondered if it would still be full of old-lady smell, lavender, and Vicks VapoRub. I hoped her possessions didn’t clutter up the place as well. Old ladies were notorious pack rats, keeping boxes of rubbish nobody else could see a use for.

“Her personal things?”

“Gone,” Regis assured me. “I’m sure it just needs a good airing. Leave a window or two open, and you’d be just fine out there. I could lease the place to y’all for a month . . . and I’d be willing to go longer if you decide you want to stay. We could work out a rent-to-buy program, if you don’t have a down payment.” He sounded so hopeful; I didn’t have the heart to tell him there wasn’t a chance in hell of that happening.

Chance studied the picture with such concentration, I took another look: white house, windows on either side of the front door, and red steps leading up to a wraparound porch. Ten thin rectangular columns supported the roof over the porch. The downward slope gave the black tile roof a tiered but pointy look, like a witch’s hat.

All told, it appeared habitable enough, but I didn’t like the weird triangular window I assumed led to the attic or other unused space. Why else would it have been boarded up? But maybe those were just creepy storm shutters. I read the amenities with half attention: three bedrooms, bath and a half, bi-level with storm cellar and artesian well.

“What’s the other option?” Chance asked, as if he sensed my hesitance.

If Regis was disappointed we didn’t leap on the house immediately, he didn’t show it. Instead, he flipped through the binder some more and then turned it so we could see.

“This is a bachelor apartment, above what used to be an accounting business. But he left town, and I haven’t rented that space to anyone yet.”

From what I’d seen of Kilmer, he wasn’t likely to, either.

“Do you own that building too?”

“No, but I manage the property for August.”

For a moment, I thought he meant the month, and it was November. Then it hit me. Augustus England, publishing magnate.

“He runs the newspaper and prints up the town phone books, right?” The question spilled out before I thought better of it.

Stupid. Regis’s gaze sharpened. I could tell he wanted to know why I knew that much about the town, if we were just tourists passing through. For the first time, I saw steel behind his bluff, friendly exterior. The very air in the office seemed to chill.

“We looked you up in the directory over at the filling station,” Chance said easily. “Corine has a head for trivia. I’m sure she read the information page, the credits, the emergency numbers, and who knows what else while she was looking for a real estate agent.”

I made my smile sheepish. “I read the copyright page in books too. I love finding out real names when authors write under a pseudonym.”

I hoped I looked properly guileless. I had the feeling he wouldn’t rent us anything if he knew we were here to poke around. Sure, he’d find out sooner or later. Such was the way of small towns, but once we had a contract, he couldn’t boot us out.

Regis seemed to relax. “Oh, my wife’s the same way. She’ll read anything, even the cereal box.”

Wife, huh? I wondered whether the woman knew Agnes Pettigrew would dearly love her job. Filing that away under relatively useless information, I said, “So, tell us about the apartment.”

“Well, it’s cozy,” said Regis. “All utilities included, of course. It has one bedroom, a sitting room, full bath, and a kitchenette with two electric rings for cooking.”

Real estate agent to real-world translation: Cozy equals claustrophobic.

“Could you break down the pros and cons of each?” Chance asked.

This should be funny. I didn’t think salesmen ever admitted anything had cons.

“Well, the farmhouse has a lot more space, but it’s outside town, less convenient, but private and nicely wooded. The bachelor apartment is small, but it’s centrally located. You’d be in walking distance to a little corner store and a couple of nice shops on the square.”

“What’s the rent on them?” The fact that we hadn’t asked before now probably told Regis we had more money than sense; a couple of yuppies fresh from the big city, curious how the other half lived.

“I can let you have the farmhouse for seven hundred dollars,” Regis said, after pretending to run some numbers on an adding machine. “Since it’s smaller, three hundred seventy-five for the apartment.”

“Could we have a minute to discuss it?” Chance curled his hand around the nape of my neck. The gesture looked possessive, but I knew it was mostly for show.

“Of course. I’ll just run down the block to get coffee. Would y’all like anything?”

We both shook our heads, bemused by this small-town mentality. We could have rifled his office looking for cash and valuables and taken off long before he returned, if we were lying about wanting to rent property in town.

“Town or country?” Chance asked after we’d confirmed Regis’s departure.

I sighed. “Hell, I don’t know.”

“I think it’d be harder for someone to sneak up on us out at the farmhouse, and it’s easier to ward a house than an apartment inside an office building.”

“You don’t want to stay in town,” I guessed.

“I’m not crazy about shoe box flats, and I don’t want people to be able to mark our movements so easily.”

“The house it is,” I said. “Though I’m none too excited about the prospect of a ghost and the proximity of those woods.”

Chance grinned. “We’re safe unless Birnam Woods marches on Dunsinane?”

“Funny,” I grumbled. “The yard will be better for Butch, anyway.”

By the time Regis returned, we were sitting quietly, hands folded. The rich, slightly bitter scent of coffee wafted from his Styrofoam cup as he rounded his desk. He set it down on the edge and regarded us expectantly. “Did y’all decide?”

“The house,” Chance told him. “But Corine is a little nervous about the prospect of staying where someone passed away. I’m afraid I can’t offer more than five fifty. If you can’t help us, I’m sure there’s another little town down the road.”

Even when he had plenty of money, Chance was always a businessman. I could hear him saying it now: Never take the first offer. Regis’s face fell.

“Now, let me run the numbers again, sir. Don’t be hasty.”

I stifled a smile as Chance offered his impassive look. “If you think it would help.”

“Six hundred,” Regis finally said, sweating. “Final offer. I pay the utilities on the house, you see. The power is still on, though I had the phone cut off. And if you’re out there, using up the juice, I just can’t afford to—”

“That’ll be fine,” I cut in. I didn’t want to stroke the man out.

“The cook stove is gas,” he went on, “but there’s a propane tank out back. You should be fine for a month. I’ll need one hundred down as a damage deposit. If you want to write me a check, I won’t cash it. I’ll just hold it until the month’s out.”

Regis seemed to think, probably based on my messy, disheveled appearance, that we were strapped for cash. Well, I defied him to look any better after being shoved across a wet, muddy street. I set my jaw.

“Cash is fine,” Chance said. He drew out his expensive leather wallet and counted seven bills. “Here’s the deposit and one month’s rent.”

I could see Regis revising his initial impression of us, but Chance didn’t have much ready cash left, between the bed-and-breakfast, and these alternate lodgings. I didn’t know what we were going to do with the stinky powder we’d found there, or what had become of Booke. When I checked my cell phone, I was a little worried we hadn’t heard from him yet, considering he’d intended to scout the place.

“Is there an ATM in town?” I asked.

The real estate agent looked blank for a long moment. “You mean a money machine? I don’t think so. People just stop by the bank during business hours or write a check. Some folks get a check-cashing card from the supermarket, I guess, if their paychecks aren’t too big.”

He had to be shitting us. I felt like we’d slipped through a gap in time, or taken a wrong turn to wind up in May-berry.

“Okay,” I said, feeling dazed. “Thanks.”

“We’ll have to make this last,” Chance murmured, tapping his wallet.

Damn, that absolutely meant grocery shopping . . . and cooking. I sighed. Kilmer didn’t seem to have a limit in the ways it would torture me.

It was almost, almost enough to make me turn tail and run.

Almost.

I accepted the key while Chance signed some paperwork for Mr. Regis. He drew us a map on a yellow legal pad, giving good directions on how to reach the place. “You’ll pass Ma’s Kitchen on the way out of town. That’s how you know you’re on the right track.” Then he began outlining all the twists and turns. It sounded like the house was really in the middle of nowhere, like a witch’s cottage in a fairy tale. He hadn’t been kidding when he said “deeply wooded and private.”

“Shall we?” Chance asked.

“I guess.” We thanked Mr. Regis and stepped out into a heavy, purple twilight. The horizon seemed oddly dark and devoid of color, with none of the usual fiery streaks. I shivered as I got into the Mustang. “Let’s see if Ma does takeout. We’ll need something to eat while we go over that file.”

Butch popped his head out of my bag—I needed to reward him for sleeping through the meeting with Regis—and yapped once in agreement. He could always eat.