Heathen/Nemesis

Sixteen

‘Where the hell are you going?’

Julie looked up in surprise as her sister entered the sitting-room, her long leather coat flying open as she headed across the room.

‘Out,’ snapped Donna, brandishing the piece of paper.

Julie got to her feet. She noticed that Donna had pulled on a pair of suede boots and tucked her jeans into the top of them.

‘You were tired; you were going to have a nap. Donna, tell me what’s happening.’ She could see the tearstains on the older woman’s face.

‘I know where she lives,’ Donna said angrily. ‘I found her address in his diary. I know where she lives.’

‘Lived,’ Julie reminded her. ‘And so what if you do?’

‘I want to see where she lived.’

‘Donna, this is crazy. She’s dead. It’s over. She’s dead. Chris is dead. That’s all there is to it. Stop this now, before it drives you mad. You’re becoming obsessive about it.’

‘And wouldn’t you?’ Donna rasped. ‘You lost your husband to the bottle, but it didn’t matter to you. I care.’

Julie took a step back, her face losing its colour.

‘I wish I could argue with you,’ she said resignedly. ‘Yes, I did lose my husband to the bottle, not another woman. But the difference between us is I didn’t blame myself for his drinking. It’s as if you’re blaming yourself for what Chris did before he was killed. It isn’t your fault, Donna.’

‘Then why did he need to have an affair?’ she rasped. ‘What the fuck was so special about this bloody Suzanne Regan? I want to know what she had that I don’t. I want to know what she wore, what she smelled like. I want to know what kind of music she listened to. I even want to know what she bloody well ate.’ There was a vehemence in Donna’s words Julie had never seen before, a hatred that burned as brightly as a beacon. It danced in her eyes like fire.

‘It’s becoming an obsession with you,’ Julie continued. ‘I’m beginning to wonder which has upset you the most, the fact that Chris is dead or that he was unfaithful.’

‘Well, perhaps even I don’t know any more,’ Donna told her. ‘He’s not here for me to ask, is he? I can’t find out from him why he wanted her. So I have to find out myself. It might just keep me sane.’

‘Why do you have to know?’ Julie asked imploringly. ‘Why do you have to torture yourself?’

‘I told you, I need to know whether she was better than me.’ There were tears forming in Donna’s eyes now. ‘I lost my husband, Julie, that’s the worse thing I could ever have imagined. I don’t want to lose my self-respect, too.’

For long seconds the two women stood staring at each other, neither speaking. Then Julie took a step forward.

‘What are you going to do?’ she asked quietly.

‘Go to her house.’

‘And do what?’

‘Look around, see what I can find.’

‘You’re just going to break in? As easy as that?’

‘I don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know is, I have to see where she lived.’ She handed the piece of paper with the address on to Julie. ‘You’re my sister and I love you. If you love me, then help me.’

‘Help you do what? Go crazy? Because that’s what you’re doing. Please think about this, Donna. Think about what you’re doing to yourself. Isn’t Chris’s death enough to cope with?’

Donna’s stare was unflinching.

‘Are you going to help me?’ she asked, holding out her hand for the piece of paper.

Julie exhaled deeply and wearily.

‘Yes, I’ll help you,’ she said finally.

‘I want to go there now.’

Julie knew that it was futile to argue. She nodded.

‘Let me get my coat,’ she said. ‘I’ll drive.’