Gwendy's Magic Feather

18

GWENDY IS LEANING TOWARD canceling her long-scheduled dinner plans with friends even before the copy of Gravity’s Rainbow shows up, but Harold’s well-meaning, yet not-so-pleasant surprise, cinches the deal. She goes straight home, unburies the button box from its hiding place, changes into sweatpants and a baggy sweater, and calls out for delivery.

While her friends—two former classmates from Brown—dine on filet mignon and grilled vegetables at historic Old Ebbitt Grill on Fifteenth (where you have to call weeks in advance for a table), Gwendy sits alone in her dining room, picking at the sorriest excuse for a garden salad she’s ever seen and nibbling on a slice of pizza.

She’s not really alone, of course. The button box is there, resting on the opposite end of the table, watching her eat like a silent suitor. A few minutes earlier, she looked up from her dinner and asked quite sincerely, “Okay, you’re back. What do I do with you now?” The box didn’t answer.

Gwendy’s attention is currently focused on an evening news program playing on the den television, and she’s not happy. She still can’t believe Clinton lost to this idiot. “The President of the United States is a flipping moron,” she says, stuffing a piece of lettuce that’s closer to brown than it is green into her mouth. “You tell ’em, Bernie.”

Anchorman Bernard Shaw, with his distinguished salt-and-pepper hair and thick mustache, does just that: “…recap the sequence of events that has brought us to this potentially catastrophic standoff. Initially, spy-satellite photographs led U.S. officials to suspect that North Korea was developing a new nuclear facility near the Yongbyon nuclear center that was originally disabled by the 1994 accord. Based on these photographs, Washington demanded an inspection of the facility and Pyongyang countered by demanding the U.S. pay $300 million for the right to inspect the site. Earlier this week, President Hamlin responded angrily—and, many say, disrespectfully—in public comments directed at the North Korean leader, refusing to pay any such inspection fee and calling the proposal ‘ludicrous and laughable.’ Now, within the past hour, Pyongyang has released a written statement referring to President Hamlin as ‘a brainwashed bully’ and threatening to pull out of the 1994 accord. No response from the White House yet, but one unnamed official claims…”

“That’s just great,” Gwendy says, getting up from the table and tossing the remains of her salad into the trash. “A pissing contest between two egomaniacs. I’m going to get a lot of calls over this…”