Gratuitous Epilogue

17 - April

April 3

All Official

Cassandra Eloise Ruuel Devlin. And Kaoren Devlin Ruuel. Not to mention Ys, Liranadestar and Sentarestel Ruuel Devlin, and Rye Devlin Ruuel. I’m fairly sure that this is a naming tradition used on Earth, but I can’t remember which country, or if we’ve followed quite the same rules. It was the solution which we liked most, though I did find all the possible name combinations we came up with very funny. Ruulin or Devel. Too silly.

The week before the ceremony was very busy and hectic, with us doing a lot of work on the Wedding Garden, and Kaoren’s parents, brother and grandparents arriving, and also Nenna and her family – all of whom were to be guests on Arcadia. I was very relieved that things weren’t as awkward with the Lents as they could have been – Nenna’s enthusiasm (and her sister’s shrieking over bugs) smoothed over a lot, and Sen thought Nenna great fun.

Arden brought along the most impossible girl as his guest. A model he’s using for something he’s working on at the moment, who is gob-smackingly gorgeous and totally awful – obsessed with herself and tremendously bitchy, like she’s trying to be a caricature of all the bad things people say about models. Ellema. I couldn’t work out how Arden could stand being near her, no matter how good-looking, given his Sights, but in the end the whole thing made me understand him a little better – he was kind of torturing himself to get a certain result in his art, and also amusing himself at Ellema’s expense. The main piece he’s working on is something called "Hollow" which about says all of his opinion of Ellema.

She spent her time annoying the hell out of me, cross-examining me on my guest list and being obviously disappointed that it was mainly Setari, no-one important, and wanting to know why I hadn’t invited this or that celebrity, acting like the cats were a rodent infestation, and being generally infuriating to everyone. Plus she tried to seduce Nils practically in front of Zee – and then stormed off when Nils murmured something he says would be impolite to repeat in her ear. In the end I mostly just made sure to keep her away from the kids – and wasn’t quite able to resist calling her "The Llama" every so often and had the greatest difficulty stopping Lira from calling her that to her face.

I think maybe Arden was trying to annoy Kaoren with her as well. They have a difficult relationship – they care a lot about each other, but they’re kind of at odds.

I was feeling more than a little stressed the day before the wedding, and wished I could just abandon all my guests, and that everything would be over and done with – and seriously not looking forward to another dinner keeping an eye out for simmering arguments.

Just on sunset, as I was working on putting dinner together, Zee and Nils sent me off to have a shower, taking over the cooking duties, and when I was unenthusiastically getting dressed to go down, Kaoren sent me a message to come up to my eyrie.

My eyrie is one of my favourite places in the universe, especially just on the ends of sunset, with a light breeze and the sky fading to midnight-blue as the colours creep away. Kaoren was standing before one of the big windows, looking out over the lake, the sheer gauze curtains swelling around him.

"You won’t mind if I beat up your brother will you?" I asked, wrapping my arms around him from behind and snuggling into his back. "Just a little. All this combat training has to be good for something."

He let out his breath, one of those little snorts, but wisely didn’t comment on the likelihood of me succeeding in beating up even someone who left the Setari program before his teens. Then he loosened my hold on him enough so he could turn, looking down at me in the half-light.

"Arden was hoping for tantrums," he said. "You’ve been too tolerant for his tastes."

"Improbably sweet." I laughed, but broke off when Kaoren reached down and scooped a hand under the back of my thighs, lifting me easily. "We’ll be late for dinner," I said, not particularly firmly.

"Taken care of," he told me, then turned and flew out the window.

Once outside we flew straight up, so that in seconds the house was visible only by the patio lights, and I could clearly see the bright gems of Pandora and the far smaller clusters on Siriath and Lenecki. We flew away from all of these, heading briefly toward Nurenor and then leaving the lights behind us, zooming west and then south until the lake’s main southern bank had curved to hide anything but the night and the stars.

Then we began to drop, and I looked down, tightening my arm around Kaoren’s neck instinctively, and saw that instead of black water there were barely visible balls of light, little muted moons. They rose around us as Kaoren gently touched down and lowered me to grass-covered ground.

We stood at the edge of a circle of trees on an island not twenty metres wide, completely alone except for stars, and the hush of water, and white paper lanterns the width of two cupped hands suspended in the branches.

Kaoren is much better at keeping secrets than I am. And psychic space ninjas can totally take sweeping a girl off her feet to new levels.

He’d curled his fingers through mine, and I had to grip his hand tightly and take a breath not to ruin the magic of the moment. I took a step forward, and found an edge of a blanket, a little nest he’d made for us beneath the lanterns.

What do you say to that? How do you put into words any kind of response to a perfect gesture, to a thing which fills your heart and makes your throat ache, and your eyes shimmer with tears? There wasn’t a song, or poem, or story I had ever read which could express how I felt then, beneath stars and lanterns, holding the hand of the person I love.

I touched him instead, brushed fingers across his cheek, his lips, knowing that his Sights would tell him everything that I could not.

And then, well, lots of sex.

In his ever-efficient way he’d thought of all contingencies, from the sumptuous picnic basket to a spicy-scented insect repellent. We spent half the night there, touching and talking, swimming in dark star-studded water, then curling chilled and damply together to make every kiss count. A few hours before dawn he flew us home, and one day I guess I’ll tell Taarel that Kaoren is indeed capable of being romantic.

Absolutely.

Fortunately we had enough sense left in our heads for a quick hot shower and some semblance of clothing so that when our kids woke us mid-morning for breakfast in bed we didn’t have to dive beneath the sheets. They made a very sweet procession, Ys and Lira carrying a tray for each of us, Rye with a jug of juice, and Sen coming last with a big vase of flowers. Which she promptly dropped, her hands flying to her mouth.

Kaoren caught the vase with Telekinesis and set it out of the way. He’d anticipated her reaction, having seen the same thing Sight Sight had shown her, and thus was prepared for Sen leaping onto the bed to strangle me with a hug, shrieking "My Baby!".

I stared at Kaoren, whose eyes were almost closed because he was very happy. He said: "A boy" and I got very overwhelmed by that and kind of understood how Alay had been so off-balance even after preparing for a month for the possibility of having a baby. I asked Sen if she’d enjoy being a big sister but she was busy rubbing her cheek against my stomach and going "My baby!" so I looked at Ys, Rye and Lira and said: "I think I need a group hug," and waited as they somewhat stiffly put down their plates and came around to hug me. Kaoren rested his hand lightly on Rye’s head, but waited until they’d let go to hug me.

I said: "So efficient!" to him and laughed, and then made sure to turn my attention to the treat the kids had brought and to try and make clear without being clumsily obvious that they were by no means less important just because Kaoren and I were having a baby. It’s not public knowledge yet, though not precisely a secret (with so many Sight Sight talents in the house, there was no hope of that). I think the kids are okay about it, but I do feel the need to watch my tongue, and not talk about "our first child" or anything like that. Of course it does feel different to me to actually be having a baby, but this is our fifth child and I made sure to be very clear about that.

Our morning was low-key, since nothing was scheduled till after lunch, and there were no major dramas leading up to the ceremony, just tiny annoyances like Tick-tock kidnapping one of my earrings, and the flowers I was planning to carry as a simple bouquet having been ravaged overnight by one of the tree-critters, much to Rye’s chagrin when he went to pick them. He dashed off on a frantic hunt for the same kind of flower, until Kaoren went and fetched him, and they ended up bringing totally different flowers, but Kaoren had obviously been saying just the right thing to Rye, since he was looking a great deal happier than he had all morning. That was just when we were about to split up to start getting dressed, and I gave both of them a big hug, and then took the girls off to the lighthouse, which is where we were due to meet Chiane to get dressed.

We’d partially furnished the lighthouse and so, while it still needed things like plates and cooking utensils, it worked well for getting ready. Zee brought Chiane and the small collection of attendants and hairdressers and of course the clothes, and I set them to working on the girls first, since I knew that Sen and Lira’s hair would take a lot longer than mine. Then I went up to the bedroom on the top floor, sat on the bed, and started crying.

I hadn’t meant to. I hadn’t realised how upset I was, but then I found I was sitting there with tears running down my face, and it was a good thing that it was Zee who came up to chat to me because I think that would have confused the girls endlessly. Zee wasn’t fussed, just sat down and put an arm around my shoulder and said: "Well, it can’t be second thoughts, or your Kaoren would not be looking half so pleased with himself."

"My Mum won’t be here when my baby is born." I started to cry all over Zee, then realised she’d changed into a very gorgeous dress which wouldn’t be improved by snot, and managed to snivel into my shirt sleeve instead. "Sorry, should be happy, but I just – just–"

"Want your family on your wedding day. And your mother to talk about babies. Of course." She squeezed me lightly, adding: "Congratulations. I know this is something you’ve been looking forward to. Or at least Sen has on your behalf."

"I’m really very happy," I said, sounding miserable. "Everyone is so good to me, and I couldn’t stand losing the people I have here."

"But you are still a girl very far from her home. Though your family here is getting very large. And colourful."

The wry note in her voice made me feel suddenly more settled, and a little giggle bubbled up. "I’d hate to imagine what Arden would do to a squad, if he had stayed with KOTIS. Did you see his face while The Llama was trying to climb into Nils' lap?"

"Considering the potential of the scene. He makes no attempt to hide her purpose. A strange variation of a Sight talent – just as uncomfortably able to see to the heart of matters, but also…meddlesome."

"He likes to stir things up and then see what happens," I said. "He always watches Kaoren when talking to me. And I think he was hoping you’d go snap The Llama like a twig for touching Nils. I sort of like him, but only despite the things he does. And I’m so glad to know you, Zee."

She ruffled my hair, and told me to go wash my face, and ran interference so I could get down to the bathroom without anyone noticing that I’d been crying. Then I was taken over by Chiane’s minions and primped and clipped and dressed and arranged and when only the veil was left I went and joined the girls.

I have beautiful daughters. I was half-expecting Ys to be lost in a scowl, since her tolerance for primping is pretty low, but she was watching Sen and looking very relaxed and thoughtful and reminded me so much of Isten Notra. One day I think she will inspire the same sense of awe, will be someone who the world thinks it a privilege to spend an afternoon with. Plus she looked great in her dress, with her hair styled in a way which really suits her, and just a touch of lip gloss. Unexpectedly adult. She’s so tall for her age.

Sen and Lira were really thoroughly enjoying their fairy-princess hairstyles, and their fancy dresses and their flowery hairclips and unashamedly preening in front of the mirror. Sen was spinning in a circle and watching her skirt flare out, but then made one of her delighted noises and ran and hugged my legs.

I’d ordered a special present for them, gossamer-fine chains with tiny white flower pendants, and really enjoyed putting each one round their necks in turn and seeing that they all really liked it. Then we paused to have a glass of water and a quick visit to the bathroom and by then it was nearly time to go down, so we carefully attached the veil to my flower circlet. I’d really appreciated Chiane’s attitude, and the straightforward way she’d told Ys her best colours and ideal styles and makeup, and so asked if she wanted to take some scans for her records (which, I’d worked out, is tantamount to doing some publicity shots for her) and obligingly let her pose me and the girls and tweak the dress to be just so. I took scans for myself, since I wasn’t really planning on posed pictures otherwise – just had a scanner set up down in the Wedding Garden to catch the ceremony and party.

We went as a group down the stairs (it would have been pretty pathetic if I’d tripped on my dress while half-blinded by the veil after all), and Zee went ahead and we waited for the music to signal it was starting (not an Earth bridal march, but the Taren the parties approach music) and then Sen started out, followed by Ys and Lira and then me. Sen – who had been aching to show Rye her dress and new necklace – skipped out enthusiastically, forgot what we’d covered in rehearsal, and whizzed across to meet Kaoren and Rye and pirouette in front of them (much laughter from everyone watching). Both groups of us (boys and girls) were supposed to walk out at the same time, but I guess this evened up the numbers and Kaoren rested one hand on Sen’s head and the other on Rye’s shoulder and walked on. I handed my bouquet to Lira and took her free hand and Ys' hand, and so it ended up looking like our children were leading us to the wedding.

Kaoren was impossibly gorgeous. I hadn’t seen his outfit, but it had been described to me, and I’d teased him about it sounding like the Setari uniform with something over the top. He’d said it was a lot more effort to put on than the Setari uniform. Still, it was definitely the same high-throated, close-fitting black, and over it a dark moss robe/coat which hung to his knees (and obligingly had gaps at the front and side so you could admire his totally hot body). As per Taren tradition, the pattern of his and Rye’s clothing was more geometrical, though still based around leaves and occasional blossoms. I don’t remember much of the walking out onto the little island, or anything of people’s reactions, and it was probably just as well the girls ended up leading me, because I didn’t take my eyes off Kaoren the entire way.

The ceremony was a mix of Taren and what you’d get for a Sydney wedding. Kaoren’s Sights made him really want to see my face throughout, so the first thing he did was lift my veil. I’ve watched the scan of the ceremony now, of course, and fortunately I don’t look like a complete idiot, just overwhelmed and very happy and barely managing to respond at the right moments because I was too busy gazing at Kaoren. He was definitely looking very pleased (extra-possessive), and kissed me very thoroughly, audience or not, when I was officially Certain.

Fortunately he was the one supposed to do most of the talking for the adoption part. We’d spent ages trying to figure out a ceremony which would be heartfelt without mortifying the kids too much, and eventually decided to have Tsur Selkie start out by announcing the adoption, and then Kaoren and I had the kids stand between us, and Kaoren made this really great speech about how family was a charged term to the Setari, that the word had come to cover dorm-mates, squad members, more than just the blood relatives they only saw once a year. That he had always been reluctant to add to the people who he felt that way about, and had only just accepted that I had become everything to him when three new lives had walked into his. How his first instinct had been to separate them from me before I got too attached, but then he’d wanted to know more of them himself. How helpless he’d felt to do anything for Lira but not lie to her. The straightforward enjoyment he’d found in giving them a place to feel safe and welcome and how he’d found that the word family now, for him, meant them.

A pretty spectacular speech from someone usually so reticent. When he finished and it was my turn, I said: "I’m just in it for the hugs," and laughed and hugged them and people applauded. Even Ys hugged me back, if only briefly, but was relieved to escape the centre of attention afterwards. Then it was lots of chatting with people, and food and dancing, and much of this is a blur but I remember some parts of it really distinctly. The flowers they’d set to floating in the pool, and later the careful lighting of all the lamps Teor had made – dozens in the trees and even more which we floated in the pool (some of which escaped and floated off into the lake). They were very cool and fantastical and I was careful not to compare them to the simple white lanterns Kaoren had made, which wholly own my heart. Later I held Katen (and had to sit down because I felt all strange about being pregnant). Inisar and Taarel danced together, incredibly grand. Then I gave in to Sen and put my circlet and veil on her, and Nils levitated her about for a little dance to keep the veil off the ground.

He also danced with Tsur Selkie’s two young daughters, who are not very much like their father at all. Allidi and Haelin Selkie, aged eight and twelve, both Sight Sight talents, and with the strong-minded certainty which comes with that, but unexpectedly relaxed for a pair of Kalrani among their seniors. Perhaps it’s because they didn’t inherit Tsur Selkie’s Place Sight as well? Place is by far the hardest of the Sights. I asked Kaoren if they took after their mother, who wasn’t in attendance, and he made a slight face, and shook his head.

I didn’t get the story behind that out of him till much later. Tsur Selkie had married one of the senior device technicians at KOTIS, and all was well until their daughters tested as strong talents and he refused to find a way to exempt them from the Setari program. Presumably because he’s not a great steaming hypocrite. His wife not only divorced him, she more or less divorced her daughters as well, and has nothing to do with them. That’s pretty hard for me to imagine, but apparently it’s not uncommon for the families of Kalrani to feel like they’ve become strangers.

I have hopes of a far more positive future. One of my favourite moments of the wedding was sitting in a circle with the kids and Kaoren, while Sen (who has embraced learning English of late) pounced on each of us in turn, chanting: "Kaoren is father. Cassandra is mother. Lira is sister. Rye is brother. Ys is sister." Then she repeated on a rather frantic and high note: "Rye is brother and Ys is sister!" and burst into tears and had to be hugged a lot by everyone. It was just such a relief to her, to have that confirmation, to make Ys and Rye officially her family. I got a nice lean from Ys after that, since the idea of sibling is more important to her than the idea of parent and she is very glad Kaoren and I have made it possible.

Sen happily calls us Mummy and Daddy (and Rye after a very shy conversation calls us Mother and Father). Both use the English words to distinguish us from their blood parents. Ys and Lira stick with Kaoren and Cassandra (or You).

I’m an official parent now. And baby will make five.

Instead of a honeymoon, we instituted Family Holiday. Just like Mum and the Aunts and Uncles used to take us all camping, each year for our Family Anniversary we’re going to go on a holiday together. Mostly camping, but sometimes we might visit Tare or even Kolar. This time was camping, with Lohn, Nils, and Zee along as bodyguards, and Mara, Shar and Fein along for company. And Siame, who now is four and a bit-times an aunt, and has barely said a word since she saw I was pregnant.

We were given use of a nice big roomy flier, packed it with tents and food and went somewhere no one had been. Northern hemisphere, about the same latitude as Pandora, but on the western edge of the next village over’s Ddura-range. A grassy, hilly place specked with wide, low-branched trees perfect for climbing, with lots of streams and countless hidden pools. We cruised in the flier until we spotted a nice place and then hovered while Nils, Zee and Lohn went and double-checked that there was no threat, then pitched tents on a cute little grassy island at the join of two streams.

There was a girls' tent (Sen, Ys, Lira and Siame), a boys' tent (Rye, Fein, Shar) and then smaller tents for each couple. Nils and Zee were technically on duty, but were more openly a couple on this trip than they usually behave around people. Mara is already getting to be very noticeably pregnant, so she got a cot in case the ground was too uncomfortable, but the grass was very thick and cushiony thanks to a clover-type plant, so we didn’t have any real problems, and Lira even slept in the tent, despite insisting she’d sleep in the flier. Lira very much disdained the idea of camping and could find no discernable reason why anyone would want to sleep in a tent when they had a perfectly good bedroom – or at least a cushioned seat in the flier. Ys started out indifferent, so long as she was permitted to read with as little interruption as possible, but turned out to really enjoy exploring the area.

Fein and Rye are really great together. Fein overflows with energy and schemes. He’s always overcoming Rye’s shy and obedient habits and – while he can never get Rye to break any of the strict rules we’ve made – is teaching him to push a little at the edges, and to be more confident about boundaries. Rye in return has given Fein some respect for the unfun stuff which Rye treats as a privilege. Particularly, I think, because Rye is always quick to find practical applications for the things he’s learning.

They both got very involved in identifying all the species of plants and animals around the camp, and provisionally describing and naming everything they think is new. Rye’s studies are really showing through in his use of language, and he’s very exacting in his descriptions. They sometimes drafted Shar as an assistant, which Shar tolerated with faint amusement. Shar’s making slow progress toward becoming family, and now reminds me more of Siame than anyone else – very in command of himself but still holding himself back. He’s closest to Mara, whose down-to-earth honesty seems to appeal to him, and I can see why Mara said he would have been captain material, so I’m curious to see what he’ll end up doing with himself. Mara tells me he hasn’t quite escaped being expected to settle Nuran disputes, but is mostly focused on his studies, and has been suffering a bad spate of Place Sight-related dreams. Like most of the older Nuran kids, he’s only a few years from legal adulthood, but incredibly behind in terms of a Taren curriculum, and he needs to find a role and a career in an entirely new world. I wonder sometimes if he’ll end up becoming a leader of the Nuri in the end anyway – he has a kind of low-key authority and certainly a lot of charisma which would probably do him well in politics.

I was a little worried when Lira decided to try out her new-found powers of attraction on him, but fortunately Shar seems to think her overly young – and even at fourteen he’s used to girls chasing him, so he was quite adept at being clearly not interested without being insulting. I wondered if Ys would find all this a potential threat to her friendship with Lira, but I had the distinct impression Lira was discussing it all with her before making each attempt – Ys certainly watched with a kind of amused curiosity.

The two of them also cornered me alone one day, and we had the most amazingly funny conversation, full of blushes in every direction. Lira wanted to know about my early love life and whether I’d ever been with anyone but Kaoren. It’s not the sort of thing either of them would have considered asking me a year ago, and certainly not a conversation I’d ever want to have with my Mum. Ys was using Lira to get answers to questions she won’t ask herself, but Lira was also frankly curious about something she’s become interested in.

Lira interested in sex is an idea which horrifies me, of course, and I had to work to not to go into a meltdown of denial about them being too young to have this discussion, but I think they were both really just curious, and far from ready to put anything into practice.

I was fairly honest with my answers, though I did set some boundaries about the kind of questions it was appropriate to ask. I tried to capture something of Mara’s practicalness when talking about the fact that people were sure to try to go to bed with them just because they were famous, and certain difficulties they’re going to have doing normal social stuff because of their fame. Lira (an Ys question, I think) wanted to know if I regretted having sex with someone before Kaoren, but I don’t really. It was what I wanted to do at the time, and even though it turned out that neither of us really felt strongly about the other, it wasn’t a negative experience, and I felt a lot less pressured during my last year at school because sex became a bit less of a focus for me. It wasn’t some massive mystery of ultimate importance any more.

Then I gave them both a very clear understanding of when and what they’re legally allowed to do, what I’d prefer them to do, and things they should do if anyone does something they don’t want. And also techniques for turning down people, especially ones who seem genuinely to care. I gave Lira a particular look at that one and said: "You know very well you’re very beautiful. You’re going to hurt people just by looking like that, no matter how you behave. But it helps if you try and minimise harm."

Since then, Ys occasionally teases Lira about wearing a warning sign, which is a private joke she has just with us three. It amazes me, and makes me very happy, that both of them have reached that level of comfort, with each other and with me.

It was a lovely break, surrounded by people who are special to me, seeing new places, plants and animals, catching and roasting fish on an open fire. Kaoren was feeling super-possessive and we spent a hell of a lot of time kissing. Everyone got a little sunburnt, and it was so very much one big family, with even Shar and Siame looking settled in and enjoying themselves. I’m already looking forward to next year, and I’ve only been back one day.

Trying not to hope too hard for it to be a full family holiday, and that Operation Move-to-Muina will be a resounding success.