For Us, The Living

XIII

Back in California, Diana paid a call on Master Hedrick. He received her at once and ushered her into his study, his face wreathed in a smile of welcome that managed to make him more birdlike than ever.

"Come in, come in, my dear. May I do you a service? I've missed you lately. But I did see some of your Chicago appearances by telecast. You were magnificent. Lovely! Lovely! Sit you down here by the fire. Something to eat? No? A cigarette? A little glass of wine? Ah, good. I saw your parents when I was up north this past week. Both well and hearty and full of the joy of living."

Diana shifted uneasily in her chair. "Master Hedrick, I'm troubled and need advice."

His face sobered. "I hope that I can help you. Tell me about it."

She drew circles with her toe on the floor, and considered her words. "I hardly know how to begin. You already know a lot about it. You know how Perry got into difficulties and why he was sent here. Well, I am very deeply attached to Perry. I thought and still hope and believe that our association will last throughout our lives and grow and deepen. But the trouble with my dancing partner, Bernard, got us off to a poor start. It worries me that it might happen again and I care so deeply that I find myself willing to do anything to avoid the possibility of anything like it happening again."

"How do you plan to avoid the possibility?"

"I don't know exactly. I could quit dancing with Bernard when this contract expires, and not see him anymore. But this last series we did together went so well that we have been offered a new contract at a considerably higher salary. I know that Bernard expects me to take it. He has even planned what he will do with his additional credit."

"You believe that you might be happier with Perry if you refused to work with Bernard?"

"Well—that is what I've been thinking about. In any case, although Bernard hasn't said anything and apparently the public hasn't noticed it, I know that my work with Bernard isn't as good as it used to be. I am distracted from it by the fear of Perry's opinion. Whenever a dance calls for a love scene, I can't get my mind off Perry. I wonder if he is tuned in, and if he thinks my acting too realistic."

"Do you intend to quit dancing with partners entirely?"

"I hadn't thought that far ahead. I don't know."

"Mightn't you have the same fear about any other partner?"

"I suppose so."

"Do you see that to spend your life guiding your actions by the possible opinions of a person suffering from delusions will become very complicated?"

"Yes, I see you're right. But I'd be willing to try it if I could keep Perry happy and loving me by doing it."

"That does your heart credit, but not your good sense. You are a normal healthy girl and your standards and desires are as sane as can be. But I think that I see the consequences of such a course more clearly than you do. In the first place you won't be helping Perry to get well. You'll make a permanent invalid out of him emotionally. Your whole life will become forced and unnatural. After re-molding yourself to suit his spurious standards, you will then undertake to change the world around you to prevent it from conflicting with his carefully nurtured delusions. Gradually your friends will drop away as they will be made restless by the restraints you will have imposed on their conduct and conversation. Eventually the day will arrive when you will be one of our patients. Tell me, how do you like our friend Olga?"

"Olga? Why, Olga is grand."

"Ever felt any uneasiness about Perry and her?"

"No, not really. Perhaps I have in a way. It sometimes seemed a little unfair to me that he should enjoy her company so much in my absence, when I've been so miserable with Bernard."

"Suppose that you gave up Bernard and all close association with other men on Perry's account and that the two of you were living together. Suppose Perry decides to pay Olga a visit of a few days and you can't go along. Aren't you likely to find yourself fiercely resenting Olga?"

"Maybe I would. It's hard to imagine myself resenting anyone as nice as Olga."

"I see that Perry is becoming very interested in rocketing. Olga tells me that both of you wish he wouldn't because of the physical hazards of the work. Are you going to demand that he give it up?"

Diana looked surprised. "How can I? He must decide for himself and find his self fulfillment in his own way. I must not interfere."

"Yet you plan to give up or greatly modify your own career to fit his delusions. Aren't you likely to tell him someday that, since you have sacrificed the best years of your life for him that the least he can do is to stay out of danger?"

"I'd never say that. It wouldn't be right. Oh dear, perhaps I would. I don't know. It's very difficult."

Hedrick smiled and patted her hand. "Let not your heart be troubled, my daughter. The situation isn't at all serious. I've just been showing you some of the possibilities in order that you might understand the implications of your decisions. In the first place your young man will have a complete cure. He is doing very well, very well indeed. You can revise your plans accordingly. You are suffering from a slight touch of atavism, a regressive false identification, which you contracted from him. The layman doesn't realize that these non-lesional mental disorders can be as contagious as diphtheria or whooping cough. More so, in fact. In the old days one man sometimes infected a whole nation, particularly after the advent of radio. You have a slight touch. Physically you are well and strong, a beautiful example of a civilized girl, but mentally you have slipped back in part to the stone age woman, squatting on your haunches before the fire and cowering in fear of the unpredictable displeasure of your semi-bestial mate. Now that you know what the trouble is, correct it. Perry will be all right, so you need no longer concern yourself about him. Go ahead. Live your own life. Make your own decisions in your own way. Associate with men and women as freely as you did before you knew Perry, and don't worry."

Diana stood up, smiling, and put out her hand. "Thanks a lot, Master. I'll try it. Anyhow I've decided to take that contract."

"That's fine. If you become worried again, come back and we'll talk it over."

"Thanks again. I can go home and sleep now."