Fighting Rough

14

“I feel like I’m losing it,” whispered Jake to Rose.

They were cuddled in the honeymoon position in their van.

Everyone else was outside by the fire, keeping watch, keeping warm, and staying ready. An attack was expected at any moment.

Jake and Rose had probably annoyed everyone else by saying they’d needed to rest in the van. Max had just scowled and told them they had five minutes to themselves, and that after that he wanted them back out there.

Jake had said they’d had something very personal to discuss. Something that was at the crisis level. Something that didn’t affect the rest of them. Only Jake and Rose.

Max had been a tough sell. He hadn’t wanted to let anyone out of his sight. But Jake had convinced him. Max and the others probably thought Rose was pregnant or something, the way Jake had talked.

In reality, Jake was suffering another one of his bouts of intense anxiety. Severe panic. He’d felt it coming on, and knew he’d needed to get away from everyone. Rose was the only one he could be around, the only one he felt comfortable with.

He’d always been an anxious person. Through high school, he’d always hung in the back of the bus, of the classroom. He’d always been the one against the wall at the school dances, never participating, but somehow feeling like he was accomplishing something by just being there.

It’d gotten a little worse in college. He’d spent all his time alone in his dorm room. When it’d been time to go to the dining hall to eat, his heart would start to pound and he’d start to sweat bullets. A lot of nights, he’d just sit there, crouched in a corner of his dorm room, never leaving to eat.

He’d gone hungry more nights than he could count. And that’s when he’d realized that his general anxiety had turned into something worse. Much worse.

Somehow he’d graduated college. And with high grades in all subjects. He’d made the dean’s list almost every semester. Isolating himself in his room had given him almost nothing to do but study.

After college, he’d met Rose.

She’d changed everything.

The anxiety had started to melt away. Soon enough, he was going out with her. To parties, to dinners with friends. All the things he’d always wanted to do but had been too scared to.

She’d completely changed him. And it wasn’t anything specific she’d done. It was just her presence. And how much he was in love with her.

With Rose, the anxiety and panic attacks felt like distant memories. He almost couldn’t remember what the feeling had been like.

They’d become digital nomads, deciding to travel the country in their van.

Even after the EMP, the anxiety and panic attacks had stayed away. Jake had even lasted through the torments of the pot farmers.

But now…

It was all too much.

The panic attacks had apparently come back.

“It’s going to be OK, Jake,” said Rose, speaking to him in a soothing voice.

“Nothing’s OK,” said Jake.

His skin was sweaty and cold at the same time. His heart rate was extremely elevated.

It didn’t feel like he could catch his breath.

“I can’t breathe,” said Jake, pushing away from Rose.

He needed air. He couldn’t breathe. Not with her next to him.

And not in the van.

“I’ve got to get out of here,” said Jake.

“Jake!” said Rose, grabbing his arm. “It’s all going to be OK. You just need to wait this out. We can stay in here, in the van. It’s just the two of us. You don’t need to worry about anyone else.”

But Jake knew that wasn’t true.

He did have to worry about everyone else. He had to worry about it all. Everything.

There were men with guns. Coming to kill them.

But it wasn’t even that fact that was getting to him.

He didn’t even know what it was.

It was just this overwhelming feeling of dread. Of complete panic. And that was slowly morphing into the feeling of being trapped.

Completely trapped. Suffocating.

“I’ll be right back,” said Jake, tugging his arm away from Rose’s grasp.

He opened the door to the van. Cold air rushed in.

Not far away, there were the others. Some were huddled around the fire. Others were staring off into the night.

He could see everything. The moon was bright. And that meant everyone could see him. There was nowhere to hide.

He needed a dark corner. Like the van.

But then he couldn’t breathe.

His mind was running circles. Nothing but pointless circles.

And he didn’t realize it. He was losing control of himself.

“You OK, buddy?” said John.

He seemed to have come out of nowhere. He stood there, in front of Jake, with a huge gun in his hands.

Jake couldn’t find the words. He couldn’t answer. He was breathing too hard.

“I think he’s having a panic attack,” said Rose, from somewhere behind him.

“Come on, buddy,” said John, attempting to put his arm around Jake. “It’s going to be OK.”

“Get off me!” shouted Jake, twisting away from John.

He needed to get away. He needed to breathe.

Even Rose couldn’t calm him down this time.

“Jake!” shouted Rose.

But it was too late.

He was off, running away from the camp as fast as he could.

He had nothing with him but the clothes on his back.

There was shouting behind him, but he couldn’t make out the words. He ignored it.

He felt like a cornered animal.

Jake ran across the snow, through the moonlight.

It felt good to run. It was better out here, away from everyone.

The cool air felt good in his lungs. Soothing.

Jake ran and ran. He was far away from the camp now. The only thing he could hear was the sound of his boots hitting the ground as he kicked up snow.

Exhausted from running, he slumped down, his back against a tree. The seat of his jeans rested in the snow. It was cold, but he didn’t care.

He looked out into nature. It was beautiful, the freshly fallen snow covering the trees like blankets. Scenes like this were why he and Rose had wanted to travel the country. They’d wanted to take it all in. They’d wanted to experience nature rather than living out their lives locked away in some office building under fluorescent lighting.

Minutes ticked by, and Jake was unaware of them. A few minutes turned into half an hour. Then an hour.

Out here, his mind was starting to feel clearer.

He was physically exhausted from the running. He didn’t know how far he’d gone, but when he turned to look, he couldn’t see any hint of the camp or the campfire.

Jake put his fingers to his neck, to check his pulse. It was still beating rapidly. But that was normal from the running. He wasn’t going as fast as when he’d had the panic attacks.

Had he gotten over it?

The freezing temperatures felt good. They seemed to sap the heat and anxiety from his body.

Jake stood up, dusting himself off.

He was ready to return to camp. He’d have to apologize to Rose. She’d understand, though. He’d told her all about the panic attacks he’d used to have. The others, though, might not be so understanding.

He had, after all, put everyone in danger. Maybe they’d come out looking for him, exposing themselves to the enemies who could strike the camp at any moment.

“Who are you?”

The voice was unfamiliar. It was coming from behind him.

Jake turned to look.

A wild-looking man was standing there. His hair was long and greasy. His beard was scraggly and wild.

He wore a huge parka. He held some kind of rifle in both hands. It was pointed right at Jake.

Jake didn’t have a gun with him. The others at camp had made him take one, but he must have left in the van. During the panic attack, carrying a gun had been the last thing on his mind.

Not that he had any idea how to use it anyway.

Jake’s heart started beating faster.

He might have been about to have another panic attack.

But it probably didn’t matter.

It was too late.