Donners of the Dead

Chapter Twelve

We were too close. It was all too much.

I shook my head and steadied my breath which was coming out hot and ragged. “My innocence is gone. But whatever I do have left, I want you to have it.”

“You’ll always be innocent to me,” he murmured, barely moving his lips, his gaze never leaving mine.

“Then…” I said, my heart thudding in my chest as I traced his rough jaw with my fingers, “you’ll have to at least try and take it.”

“Oh darlin’,” he said huskily. “You have no idea what you’re asking of me and I might be not be good enough of a man to say no.”

“I have some idea,” I whispered, “if you just point the way.”

He broke into a wide grin and let out an amused chuckle that lasted a shining second before he suddenly grabbed my face, his large hands taking up both sides of it, and kissed me.

Hard.

And still his lips were soft, covering mine, and I felt the hot, wet pressure of his satiny tongue push into my mouth. I welcomed it and moaned once it touched mine. My cheeks flamed with heat, but I couldn’t tell if it was because I was self-conscious or it was the fire that was inside of me, burning up in my chest and belly.

I felt my innocence being charred.

And as he kissed me, I kissed him back. I found myself being dragged into a warm abyss that was just his hands and lips and tongue and us kissing each other like we were afraid to stop, like we’d die if we stopped.

The world outside us stood still and it was just him and I melding together in front of the flames, feeding on each other, because with each kiss it only stoked my hunger, a hunger for him, his body and mind and heart and soul and everything so very brave and strong about him.

“Oh, Eve,” he spoke against my lips before he brought his to my neck and started sliding them down to my collar bone. I couldn’t help but moan again, my body overloaded with these feelings and sensations I had never felt before. It was an assault and I was both fighting back with my mouth and surrendering at the same time.

He cupped my chin and pulled back a few inches, his eyes shining and his lids heavy, looking almost sleepy if not for the lust that sparked behind them. “This is why I was afraid,” he whispered intensely. “I was afraid I would do this to you.”

I leaned my forehead against his and tried to catch my breath. I squeezed his hair in my hands. “You’re not hurting me,” I said.

“But am I hurting me?” he asked. I peered at him. He trailed the soft tip of his nose across the bridge of mine and closed his eyes. “What happens after this? What happens if I lose you?”

“You won’t,” I said. “We’ll be home tomorrow and then we’ll go where you said you’re going.”

“Where was that?” He kissed the corners of my lips, his beard rough on my face. Something inside me ached with yearning, ached for him to continue.

“Wherever your heart desires,” I answered.

“And if you’re what my heart desires?”

I paused. “Then I’ll be safe with you.”

“You’ll be more than safe,” he murmured, and placed his lips back on mine. “I’ll keep you more than safe.”

Then he got to his feet and pulled me up with him.

“Come,” he said, taking me by the arm and leading me to the cave. “I’m getting cold and there’s a better way to keep warm.”

We both ducked under the lip of the cave and squatted by the animal hides I had been under earlier. He lifted a corner back and gestured for me to get inside.

We couldn’t be going to sleep, I thought, not after all that. Then from the sensual gleam in his eyes, I gathered that we wouldn’t be sleeping at all.

I was terrified again. Frozen in place. Torn by the yearning inside and the need to preserve myself. This was all so new to me and so sudden.

“Eve,” he whispered, coming over to me. He ran his hands through my hair. “You’re beautiful. So beautiful.”

“So are you,” I said back, feeling stupid.

He paid that no attention. He let his hands drift down to my collarbones where he started running his fingers back and forth, so rough on my skin, stroking desire back into me.

“When I first saw you,” he said, “I hated you. I hated you, Eve, because I reckoned you were the prettiest damn woman I had ever seen and there was no way you could ever be mine. I was dealt the losing hand before I even rode into your town. You understand why now.”

“What changed?” I whispered.

He shrugged. “The cards are the same. My balls are just as big. I suppose I’m only feeling lucky.”

I smiled shyly. “I think you might be lucky after all.”

“I know I already am. The moment you kissed me back, that was all I needed.”

“Are you sure?” I ran my finger over his full lips. “Could I need more and not know about it?”

He smiled and kissed me. “Do you feel this,” he said against my mouth. “Do you feel this kiss deep down inside?” As our tongues and lips danced and tangled, his fingers slowly went down the front of my dress, unbuttoning it.

I nodded. I felt like my insides were beyond hot now—I was hot enough to melt gold. I wanted the dress off of me just to get relief.

Jake wasn’t wasting any time. He worked slowly but steadily until I was bare down the middle. He placed his hands on either side of the dress and pulled it apart, revealing my cotton long stay underneath.

I blushed. I was far from naked but no man had seen me this exposed before.

“You damn women wear so many layers,” he grumbled good-naturedly while he quickly took off the rest of my dress and pulled the stay and petticoat over my head until I was in just my corset and cotton pants.

He had no patience for the corset. He ripped it down the middle, just ripped it apart with his bare hands until my breasts sprung out of it. I gasped, fully exposed.

“I’ll buy you another…” He trailed off and stared with hungry and adoring eyes that fixated on my bare upper body. I immediately went to cover up my chest with my hands but he was fast and gently held my arms down.

“No,” he said huskily. “No, let me look at you. Your skin.” He came closer and placed his lips on my shoulder, skirting the gauze. “Your skin is the color of rich tea with lots of sugar. I want to drink you right up. I think I might.”

His lips and tongue were startlingly hot against my bare body in the night air and the heat only grew, like cinnamon and flames, as he ran them down toward my breasts.

I stiffened as he reached my nipples but that soon melted away as his mouth encircled them. I moaned and closed my eyes, my head rolling back, as I felt my body spark, ready for ignition. Each lick and suck made a pressure build between my legs until it was too much and there was nothing more that could be done. I squirmed from his insistent mouth and groaned, trying to find some relief. I was afraid the feelings would consume me, all of me, from the inside out.

What was happening?

“You taste so good,” he whispered. His hands went from my breasts and down toward my pants, pulling at the buttons by the waist.

“Please don’t stop,” I cried out, no longer caring how I sounded to him. When he stopped, my nipples only hardened more and I was nearly begging him for the sensation to continue.

“I’m only getting started,” he said, his tongue flicking at them until my legs started moving restlessly. “This is just the beginning.”

“I don’t know how to make it stop, to stop what you started,” I said with a groan.

“I’ll take care of you,” he said thickly. “Just trust in me. Lie back.”

I did as he asked and he pulled my pants right off. I immediately shut my eyes to him, to the ceiling of the cave that danced with cobwebs and flickering shadows, to the fact that I was completely naked in front of him.

And yet the shivers had stopped. I was no longer cold. Or perhaps I was, but it took second place compared to what I wanted, needed. I never knew I had been missing out until now.

He squeezed my thighs and made an appreciative murmur before he ran his hand between them. My legs parted involuntarily, as if my body knew what to do before I even did. I had to trust in him and trust in that.

He would keep me safe.

His hand found the wet space between and gently pushed in. I cried out softly, from shock of the intrusion and then from a faint tinge of pleasure.

“Let me take care of you,” I heard him whisper.

He placed his finger at one spot and began to rub gently, back and forth. Everything tingled, radiating outward as the heat from my belly pooled downward. I started raising my hips into his hand, wanting more and not being able to handle it. My legs spread further and then it felt like everything else was too. My body yearned for something and yearned badly.

“Jake,” I moaned. “What is happening?”

“Shhh,” he said gently. With his hand still rubbing now, faster, slicker, he lay on top of me and kissed me. He kissed my mouth, my neck, my breasts, my nipples. He kissed me everywhere in places I’d never dreamed of, all while making me feel things I never thought were possible, that I never knew existed.

There was barely time to be afraid when all I wanted right then was him and all I got was him.

Finally, the relief came. The pressure was stacked and stacked and stacked between my legs until there was no place for it to go. I felt like my body was thrust into another world, another plane of existence, as waves of pleasure and tingling ice and fire tore through me.

I felt like I was being ripped open in the most pleasing way and all that was left after was just me. Bare-souled with a full heart.

“Oh,” I said breathlessly, my head lolling back and forth along the animal skin, trying to bring myself back to the cave. I’d been somewhere else, somewhere…beautiful. “I can’t even describe it.”

“Good thing, darlin’,” he said. “Because I can’t either. All I know is that it ain’t over yet. Are you ready for me?”

“There’s more?” I exclaimed. I lifted my head to see him sit back and start undoing his pants.

He shot me a sly grin. “There’s more. There’s a new world out there.”

“And meanwhile all this innocence has held me back.”

“Nah, Pine Nut,” he said. “It only made you what you are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He yanked his boots and pants off until he was in his short long johns and then tugged those off too.

I immediately turned my head, completely unprepared for what I was going to see.

“You could have warned me,” I admonished him.

“If we’re going where my heart desires, well, let’s just say you’ll be seeing this a lot.”

I blinked, afraid to look again. I’d never see a man like…that. In that state. It was shocking and tantalizing all at once and I couldn’t imagine what we were about to do.

Well, now I could. My insides still throbbed and tingled, and as tense as I felt, part of me stayed willing.

“Just lie back,” Jake said again. “I promise I won’t hurt you much. It will only hurt the first time, and if I play my cards right, it shouldn’t be for long.” He paused. “The pain, that is.”

“Something about the first time being awkward,” I said remembering his metaphors for shooting the rifle.

“That went for everyone else,” he said, gently kissing my cheek. “Not for me. Now relax. And let me in.”

I gripped the edges of the hides, the opposite of relaxing, and held my breath as he went between my legs. I felt him, hard, stiff and large, and I couldn’t comprehend how he was even going to fit, how love-making even happened between a man and a woman. As I started to wonder about how it was possible for babies to even be born when the act seemed impossible, he pushed inside of me.

He was slow. He was gentle. He took his time. He asked after me. But it still hurt like nothing else, like I was being split in two. I cried out and tears teased at my eyes.

But I never asked him to stop. And he never let up his gradual ways. He just kept coming in, steadily, then back out. A slow rhythm began to build and his hands went back to the place they were before. Soon I was relaxing and his body was coming into mine, the hairs on his chest tickling against my bare breasts, his breathing heavy and labored. A thin sheen of sweat coated his forehead, settling in the lines where his face remained in throws of concentration and lust. If he was in any pain from his wound, he wasn’t showing it. He was only showing his need for me, his eyes flashing with it every time our gazes locked.

The feeling was incredible, his body so rough and ready and large and me so small beneath him. I felt like a woman—like his woman—something new to me. I felt my old life seep out of me as he poured his in.

Though the pressure had never relieved again on my end, it had on his. His thrusts became fast, feverish, his eyes burning into mine as if he was trying to capture my spirit with them.

“Eve,” he groaned into my mouth as his body began to shudder. “Oh, Eve.”

With a sigh he rested his sweaty body on top of mine. I put my hands on his wide back and moved my fingers up and down his spine. I held him close to me, feeling so very close to him, closer than I’d ever felt to anyone. He was inside of me still but I never wanted him to leave. I never wanted to be apart again.

Later, we lay beneath the hides and I was nestled in the crook of his arm, my hand on his chest. It was still pitch black outside, but the fire was roaring hot, and I was warmed inside and out. The intimacy I felt was unexpected, the connection between us had grown deeper and tangible. I felt like it added another level to my existence.

“How long have you been without your father?” Jake asked, his fingers playing with my hair.

I looked at him in surprise. I didn’t think he’d been listening when I had told Tim about him.

“For too long,” I answered. “I think because I don’t know if he’s alive or dead, it makes time even longer. Sometimes I’m afraid I might not remember him though I know it hasn’t been that long.”

Silence cloaked the cave. Finally he said, “I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

“And your mother? Is she still alive?”

That was debatable. “She is. But…she’s not the same. She’s not really my mother anymore. I was always more of my father’s child than hers. After he died, she withdrew from me even more. She stopped speaking. She stopped looking after me. That’s when we had to move in with my aunt and uncle. They take care of my mother…”

“But they never really take care of you.”

“No. I took care of myself.”

He exhaled though his nose and held me closer to him. “When we get out of here, we can bring your mother along if you want.”

I turned my head to look at him. He had such a magnificent profile. “You mean that?”

He smiled softly. “I told you that I was going where my heart desires. It desires you. We’ve got gold and a reason. We can go anywhere you want, we can take anyone you want.”

I was touched at the sincerity in his voice. I wasn’t quite sure if my mother would ever leave her sister’s side, but it was nice to know that the option was there. As for me, I couldn’t comprehend having the means to leave and not leave River Bend. With Avery gone, I’d be at the mercy of Uncle Pat. He was my last saving grace after my father had left.

I studied Jake’s face, his gruff beard, the hard lines of his jaw and chin contrasted with the kindness in his eyes, the way he appraised me even as I was lying in his arms. Perhaps this funny beast of a man would be my saving grace as well.

“Eve, get up!” Jake’s haggard voice broke through my dreams. I groaned, feeling a sore ache between my legs, and rolled over. I had slept like a log. The light was grey; morning was here.

And all was not well.

“Eve!” he yelled again, and the hides were suddenly thrown off me. I yelped and scrambled for my long stays and quickly covered up my indecency.

I suppose I wasn’t moving fast enough though as Jake tried to get me up. He grabbed my arm and pulled.

“What is it?” I cried out, feeling the panic rolling off of him. When Jake panicked, I knew something was very wrong.

“We have to go. The horses are gone.”

My stomach sank. “What do you mean the horses are gone?”

“I mean they are gone,” he said. He grabbed the pack that was in the corner and shook it. “This is all we have left.” He rummaged through it and pulled out two bars of gold. “Thank the damn Lord we at least have this.”

“Did they take off in the night?” I asked. I had been too involved with him last night to have been paying the horses any attention. “Weren’t they hitched to a tree?”

“They certainly were. I made sure of that. I didn’t want to risk losing them to their free-roaming fancies when we’re all the way out here.” He paused. “There are tracks too.”

“What kind of tracks?” I asked slowly.

“Human tracks,” he answered grimly.

At that, I quickly shoved on my stays and dress—I wouldn’t have bothered with the corset even if he hadn’t destroyed it—and slipped on my boots. “I don’t understand,” I finally said, my heart racing. “If it was…them…why didn’t they take us too?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Perhaps they knew we’d put up too much of a fight. They are weak without human meat, least that’s the way I reckon.”

“So they ate the horses instead?” I asked, horrified.

“Either that or they took them to ride them.”

“They couldn’t. You’ve seen them. They’re too much like animals to have that kind of thought.”

“True,” Jake said as he started folding up the hides and threw everything back into the pack. “But Isaac was still fairly human when we found him, probably because he hadn’t eaten all of the stew. Perhaps they go in and out depending on how much meat they’ve had, perhaps they have to resort to other sources of meat to stay alive. They’ve lived in these mountains for long enough, they have to be surviving on something. The animals probably give them another few days to live, just as they would to us.”

“Then they might be around here watching us,” I said, my stomach still sick over the idea of the monsters eating Trouble. Judging from the pained expression on Jake’s face, he felt the same way too. “Do you think the horses can turn? I saw what happened to our neighbor’s horse, Nero.”

“I don’t know what that was. Perhaps just an omen.”

An omen I should have paid attention to.

“What are we going to do?” I asked as I crawled out of the cave and surveyed the scene. Sure enough, the horses were gone. The smell of rotted flesh competed with the smoldering ashes of the fire. The tracks left in the snow were a mix of bare feet and boots. It was wishful thinking to imagine we were victims of ordinary horse thieves. In these bloody mountains, nothing was ordinary.

“We have no choice,” Jake said, placing the pack on his good shoulder. “We’ve got to walk and we have to walk soon.”

He walked over to me and kissed my forehead. The warmth of his lips on my skin gave me a boost of much needed strength.

He placed the rifle in my hands. That gave me strength, too.

We took off away from the cliff face, me with the rifle, him with his revolver and the infamous axe, and headed through the narrow path through the trees. It was obvious from the way the snow here was trodden up that we not only passed through here before but the monsters did too. If they did eat the horses, at least they didn’t do it at the camp. I had the terrible, terrible image of them leading Trouble back to a darkened wood where hundreds of the monsters sat on their haunches like gargoyles, waiting for their next meal.

“Jake,” I said after we’d been walking for a few hours. My legs were stiff and my feet were cold. The snow was lessening as we went down, but there was still enough to make things both difficult and pretty.

“Mhmm” he grunted, his voice strained. He was feeling it too.

“What if there are more?” I asked.

“More?” he repeated without turning around.

“More of them. What if there are too many? What if they discover River Bend and the rest of the country? What happens then?”

“I reckon we should worry about that once we’re done worrying about ourselves.”

I tugged on his jacket sleeve until he stopped and looked at me. He raised up the brim of his hat and I could see sweat gathered at his temples.

“But what if?”

He sighed and looked up at the trees. He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d like to think they’ll stay here and die here.”

“But this is the only trail over to California. The wagons going westward, they have to go up to Oregon in order to reach the Pacific. More and more people will go through here and more and more people will…turn.”

“Turn?”

“Turn into them. Become addicted to human flesh, to the power it gives.”

He chewed on his lip. “You know, I’d kill someone for a cigar right now. Look, I hear what you are saying. But we can’t do anything about that at this moment. I promised to keep you safe just as you promised to keep yourself safe. If we happen across them, we’ll kill them best we can, even if they wave the white flag and surrender. But for now, we can only worry about each other.”

I nodded. I knew what he was saying, but that didn’t erase the fear. I didn’t think anything could. Every heavy step we took through the forest, surviving on snow water and the last of the raccoon meat, was a step of dread. I feared every shadow, every smell, every sound. We were on foot, and despite our weaponry, we were still at the mercy of God or luck or the mountain or something beyond our control.

We went onwards though, because to stop was to die. We trudged through the snow—step by step by step—and we lived in the constant anxiety that nothing was safe except for each other.

As the sky turned purple with dusk and cast a lilac glow on the snowy trail, we’d been walking for eight hours and I couldn’t go another step. Everything was painful, everything burned—my legs and feet felt foreign to me; I never knew they could hurt so much.

Jake, determined to reach the nearest cabin, picked me up and threw me over his bad shoulder. I wanted to protest, to fight it, to keep walking, but there was nothing I could do. I was all out of strength.

I put my faith in him and let him carry me, all while trying to keep conscious. My view was the wet-looking snow on the ground, and it was too awkward to raise my head and look at anything else so I concentrated on the sounds and smells. I expected to come across the putrid smell of them at any minute, rendering our escape futile, but it didn’t come. Instead, we found the cabin. We found shelter.

“This is a sight for sore eyes,” Jake said. I could hear the exhaustion in his voice, none made easier by carrying my frame.

We went inside and he gently lay me down beside the blackened fire pit. I sat up and looked around while he took off his pack and fumbled for matches. It was late afternoon and there was enough light coming in through the one working window door to illuminate things. It wasn’t as cold either, and I had hoped the snowbanks between the cabin and the outhouse had melted some.

At that thought, a pitter patter began to sound on the thin roof. Rain.

Jake cocked a tired eye to the ceiling. “Looks like the snow is over for now. We’re that much closer to River Bend.” That filled me with a dangerous spark of hope—we had a chance. Unfortunately it all hinged on whether we could make it through the night. I wanted to keep going, but I knew that neither of us had it in us.

He turned over the logs in the pit until he got a few that weren’t charred and started a fire. Soon the cabin was warm and toasty while the rain fell heavier, dripping through the roof in some places. There was something almost romantic about the scenario, like a scene from a romantic poem, but even though my heart and body yearned for Jake with a startling ferocity, the fear and exhaustion was too much.

My stomach growled noisily. I eyed Jake in embarrassment.

He smiled wearily. “I wish we had something more to eat. I’m famished too.” He looked to the window. “Not sure what I can scrounge up in this weather. I think most animals are taking shelter.”

“Don’t go,” I told him. “I’ll be fine.” The need to have him close to me outweighed my empty stomach.

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t think I can handle being alone,” I said. “I don’t think I can handle much of anything anymore.” Heat pricked behind my eyes, and before I knew it, tears were falling down my cheeks, salty on my lips. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried and yet I was suddenly doing so in front of Jake.

“Hey, now,” Jake said softly. He got up and sat beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. He gently brushed my tears away with his thumb and then kissed the wet trails they’d left behind. His lips were so warm and soft and made my heart flutter with gratitude and hope.

“Sorry,” I sniffled.

“You ain’t got nothing to be sorry about,” he said, kissing the corner of my mouth. He tucked my hair behind my ears. “You’ve been dealt a rotten hand in life, Eve. There’s plenty to cry about.”

“So have you,” I said.

“I have,” he said in a low voice, giving me a nod. “But that’s only more the reason why I wouldn’t leave your side. I need you too. I reckon that might seem silly to hear from a grown man, but the truth is that I need you very much. In this short time, you’ve given me purpose. To love you. To protect you.”

To love me? I stared at him in shock. He loved me? How could that be?

He only smiled at my expression. “I think we all need a chance to cry sometimes, don’t you?”

My heart was still beating over the word love. “Have you cried?”

He nodded. “I’m done crying though. I reckon your pretty tears are enough for the both of us.” He unraveled the animal hides and spread them out on the ground. “Here, lie down and rest. I’ll keep an eye out. I’ll keep you safe.”

I don’t even think I got a chance to say thank you before I promptly fell asleep.