Dark Terrors 5: The Gollancz Book of Horror

KIM NEWMAN Going to Series

MEMO

From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

To: April Treece, junior researcher

Re: Untitled Docusoap/Gameshow Pilot

Here’s final draft of the flyer. Every word approved by Dr Wendel and Miss Lark as calculated to reach the cross-section of personality types we need.

EVERYDAY MEGASTARS WANTED

Is this you? 18–45, sexy, extrovert, killer body, unconventional, tagged ‘difficult’ by lesser mortals, ambitious, unattached, competitive, ‘bonkers’, up for anything? Apply: Mythwrhn Productions, Box 101, Leech Pyramid Plaza, London Docklands.

As a classified ad, this is to go into the following periodicals: Big Bazookas, the Sunday Comet, the Nazi Atrocities part-work, Young Offender, Pop Hitz and Shy Girl Monthly. As a flyer, it is to be distributed via inner city clubs, comic shops, student union buildings, social security offices and police stations. We agree that we should target especially the waiting rooms of probation officers and court-approved psychotherapists, the business places of drugs and weapons dealers, abortion and VD clinics, all-night casualty wards, Young Conservative meetings, and pubs that cater to the motorcycle, rugby football, slag-on-the-pull and stockbroking communities. Word from the top of the Pyramid is that Cloud 9 (Derek Leech!) is really hyped on this project, so let’s get things moving.

SERIES PROPOSAL

This seven-part (initial run) series combines three of the most popular (and, let’s face it, economical) TV formats of the last ten years: fly-on-the-wall docusoap, slags-on-holiday mock doc and sci-fi/adventure gameshow. A group of charismatic, sexy young chicks and chaps, strangers to each other, are brought together in a luxurious, Bond-style environment (country estate, mountaintop hunting lodge, beach house) and have to spend a week together. Cut off from civilisation, the contestants (subjects, stars?) are in contact with a host — we think we can get US smartmouth obonxio-comic Barry Gatlin, but other options are Ruby Wax or someone off Star Trek — who communicates via video-link each evening and sets tasks and competitions, which range from puzzle-solving exercises through treasure hunting on the grounds of the luxury retreat and harmless combat games to how-low-can-you-go? gross-out or endurance dares. Meanwhile, the stars are on camera day and night; we trust that days of strenuous competition will be followed by evenings of unwinding in wild, entertaining and provocative manners. Over the course of the week, we will see how each contestant scores, in every imaginable way.

Tiny Chiselhurst, Creator and Owner

[NB: THIS IS FOR SENDING TO THE APPLICANTS ONLY, AND SHOULD UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BE CONFUSED WITH THE REAL SERIES PROPOSAL, WHICH IS AVAILABLE ON AN EYES ONLY NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS TO SECURITY-CLEARED INSIDERS AT MYTHWRHN AND CLOUD 9 — TINY]

Dear Potential Megastar,

Thank you for your interest. Please fill in the attached form and return it to me at Mythwrhn Productions.

This isn’t an exam: the answers you give aren’t right or wrong, but will help us determine whether you are the type of person for our show. Don’t think too hard or try to give answers you think we want. Be yourself.

All forms are confidential.

Best wishes,

April Treece, Researcher

ARE YOU A MEGASTAR?

1: Please write your name, age, contact details, next of kin, and rough annual income.

2: Sex?

… male.

… female.

… yes, please!

… don’t know.

3: How many jobs have you had since leaving school?

4: Do you feel yourself to be…

… attractive to the opposite sex.

… unattractive to the opposite sex.

… attractive to the same sex.

… horny.

… a love god/goddess in the flesh.

5: How many sex partners have you had per year, on average, since the age of twelve?

6: Do you feel yourself to be…

… more intelligent than the average.

… less intelligent than the average.

… of average intelligence.

… too intelligent to be measured by this stupid question.

… a real Brainiac.

… a spoon.

7: If attacked in your home, what household items would you use to defend yourself?

8: Which of these describes you?

… a conformist.

… a maverick.

… a team-player.

… scary.

… a tosser.

… a leader.

… a nurturer.

… a bitch.

… the best there is at what you do.

… a disappointment.

9: Have you ever broken a law and not been caught? If so, please give details.

10: Would you be willing to do severe harm to…

… an enemy soldier on a battlefield.

… a violent criminal threatening your mother.

… a Member of Parliament.

… a spastic.

… your mother.

… a wounded animal.

… a stranger.

… no one at all, under any circumstances.

… a television personality.

… a former boy or girlfriend who treated you badly.

11: Would you have sex with someone unappealing just because they were famous, notorious, physically unusual, or on television? If you have, please give details.

12: When Bambi’s mother was shot, what was your reaction?

… it was very tragic and sad.

… the bitch got what she deserved.

… venison pies, yum!

… Bambi ought to avenge his family.

… Who’s Bambi?

13: Have you ever written an anonymous letter or made a prank phone call? If so, please give details.

14: When you broke up with your last boy or girlfriend, was it…

… just one of those things.

… all for the best, really.

… your fault

… their fault.

… a prelude to revenge.

… one more fucking thing on your plate.

… never had a boy or girlfriend, and don’t much like the sound of it.

15: Would you play a computer game called Dunblane Massacre?

16: Have you ever…

… performed in a karaoke pub.

… had sex with two or more partners simultaneously.

… experienced memory loss after alcohol or drug intake.

… been on television.

… considered joining the armed forces.

… had sex in a public place,

… used terms of racial (‘nigger’, ‘chink’) or sexual (‘cunt’, ‘queer’) abuse in general conversation.

… deliberately botched a job interview.

… stalked a celebrity.

… got your own back on someone who had done you a wrong.

17: Which of the Spice Girls would you most like to rape?

18: Do you believe in…

… UFO abductions.

… Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

… other people’s pain.

… microwaves.

… ghosts.

… an eye for an eye.

… Swedish Sin.

… yourself.

… turning the other cheek.

… capital punishment.

19: When was the last time you were really happy? Please give details. If never, please give details.

20: Could you take a week off from your life/work/family to star in a television series? Please answer honestly, to save time later.

PRODUCTION SUB-MEETING, No. 19.

PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS: April Treece (Featured Researcher), Claire Bates (Minion), Davinda Paquignet (Recording Angel).

BATES: Can I just say, off the record, how much I hate this proposal.

TREECE: Get in the queue, Claire. Tiny’s got this bonnet bee that they love it at the top of the Pyramid. It’s all the things Derek Leech, our ultimate lord and master at Cloud 9 Television, is supposed to be keen on. Cheap, crass, cruel and compulsive.

BATES: And crap!

TREECE: You might say that. I couldn’t possibly comment.

BATES: Dav, stop writing this down!

PAQUIGNET: Sorry, force of habit.

BATES: Ape, have you sorted through the completed forms?

TREECE: God, yes.

BATES: Where did we find these sickos?

TREECE: Milling about in general population.

BATES: ‘Which of the Spice Girls would you most like to rape?’ What sort of question is that? A bit sex-specific, surely.

TREECE: The responses are 75 per cent male.

BATES: Sur-prise.

TREECE: So far as we can tell. Those who ticked ‘yes, please’ for ‘sex?’ are sometimes hard to work out. And those are our pass applicants.

BATES: They’ll be men. Or really dim tarts.

TREECE: A frightening number of women responded. Some skipped the Spice question. Some didn’t. A few nominated male equivalents. You wouldn’t think anyone could have those fantasies about Frank Dobson or…

BATES: Ugh! Don’t say any more! I don’t want to know!

PAQUIGNET: I didn’t think it was possible to have the amount of sex most of these people say they have.

TREECE: Not if you work in television, it isn’t.

BATES: Too bloody right.

TREECE: Dr Wendel says to divide that answer by ten to get a proper figure. Except for the ones who claim to be virgins. Half of them aren’t lying.

PAQUIGNET: What about the lad who gave names and addresses? Are we supposed to phone the victims up to check him out?

TREECE: No wonder he can’t keep a steady girlfriend.

BATES: If you had a party, would you want any of these people to come?

TREECE: God, no. But this is Tiny’s baby, and we have to carry it to term, no matter how we feel. Look, Claire, it’s a looney idea and even Derek Leech wouldn’t seriously consider putting it out. We’re more likely to see live bullfighting on British TV than this horror, so we won’t get hurt. Let’s go as far with it as we have to before Tiny, inevitably, changes his mind.

BATES: I don’t want my name on any of the documentation, or a credit on any proposal or pilot. I’m serious. I don’t want a paper trail connecting me to this… this atrocity. Dav, stop bloody writing!

Dear Loser

Thank you for your interest. Unfortunately, you are not the person we — or anyone else — are looking for at this time.

We wish you joy in your continued obscurity.

Sincerely,

April Treece, Rejecter-in-Chief

MEMO

From: April Treece, senior researcher

To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

Re: Horrible People Pilot

We sent out entry forms to the first 5,000 people who responded to the ad or the flyer and got 2,389 completed returns. I passed on the 968 papers with ‘yes, please!’ ticked for Question Two — the famous ‘trigger signal’ — to Dr Wendel and Miss Lark, who have evaluated them all and selected 178 ‘possibles’. I’m astonished not only at the number of people out there who have sent anonymous letters but are proud enough of the fact to boast about it at enormous length, continuing onto the other side of the paper, to strangers. As requested, I’ve sent a curt rejection letter to all 178 and ignored the rest.

I still don’t believe this is going to fly, or that even Cloud 9 will broadcast it if it does. That said, reading over the completed forms, I’m starting to understand why audiences might actually enjoy watching the show. Are real people really this awful? The runners have stuck up their favourite forms on the message board. At the moment, the champion is the Sporty Spice fan who would see off an attacker by taking a mouthful of bleach and offering a blow-job, though my clear winner is the ‘nurturer’ guy or girl (ambiguous name and no helpful answer to Q2) who claims to have shagged seven of Dr Who’s companions (not including K-9, I trust). Do we have a title yet?

MEMO

From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

To: April Treece, chief researcher

Re: Bedlam Unplugged

Any of the ‘possibles’ who get back to us to complain about the ‘Dear Loser’ letters should be invited for interview. Please note whether applicants complain via e-mail, telephone or the post, and pass print-outs, recordings and photocopies to Dr Wendel and Miss Lark. Anyone not classed as a ‘possible’ who complains we haven’t got back to them should also be considered for interview if the complaint shows the proper character type. Taking the usual wastage into account, we only need a dozen or so strong candidates.

I know the troops have their doubts about this, Ape, but I’ve got a gut feeling that it is going to be a winner! At present, Cloud 9 is inclining towards a neutral title like A Week Off or Microcosm, though I’m all for something as blunt as It’s a Madhouse! or The Pit and cleverclogs Bender has voted for The Raft of the Medusa. How does one go about offering someone a blow-job if one has a mouthful of bleach? Sign language. And if you threw a brick in the Soho House, you’d be lucky to hit someone who hadn’t shagged seven of Dr Who’s companions. Onwards and upwards!

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 17.

APPLICANT: HARRY ‘DONGER’ BENNETT, 32.

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

LARK: Harry…

BENNETT: Everyone calls me ‘Donger’. Ever since school.

LARK: Ah, Donger… first, we must apologise for the mix-up with the letter.

BENNETT: So you should. Nearly missed your chance there, didn’t you?

LARK: Indeed.

BENNETT: But I like your whole approach, really. ‘Dear Loser’. No poncing about there. Puts the losers right in their place. The real losers. I like to see that.

LARK: You describe yourself as competitive?

BENNETT: No. I would describe myself as a winner. It’s just a fact of life. Ever since school.

LARK: You did well in school?

BENNETT: Too right. Fighting them off, I was. Had half the Sixth Form, and a couple of the younger teachers. The beginning of a great career.

LARK: And academically?

BENNETT: Rugby, football, basketball. Everything. Except cricket. That’s for poofs.

LARK: You don’t like, uh, homosexuals?

BENNETT: Show me a bloke who says he does and I’ll show you a poof. It’s not a natural thing, is it? Whatever they say these days. LARK: You’ve never been married?

BENNETT: I’ve been engaged a couple of times, if that’s what it takes to get the cork to pop.

LARK: It’s important that you be unattached, for the show. Do you have a girlfriend?

BENNETT: A couple, actually. But no one I can’t chuck if something tasty comes along.

LARK: You understand, then, that there’s a certain standard of, ah, wildness expected on shows like this.

BENNETT: I’ve seen my share. Holidays in the sun. Drunken tarts gagging for it. Is this like that?

LARK: There’s an element of that format, but there’s also a game aspect, a competitive streak. Physical competition.

BENNETT: Blind Date Meets Gladiators?

LARK: You might say that. You look as if you could look after yourself.

BENNETT: I’ve had my share of scrapes. I come out on top. By any means necessary, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

LARK: You work for an estate agent?

BENNETT: I work as an estate agent. It’s just what I do in the days. History is made at night.

LARK: Do you like your job?

BENNETT: I like helping people. Setting families on the road to home-ownership.

LARK: Really. Really?

BENNETT: Well, no. You’re sharp That’s what we’re supposed to say. I like the push and the commission. There are so many ways to make something work to your advantage. That side of it is fun, but there’s always a problem with the pillocks.

LARK: The pillocks?

BENNETT: Buyers, sellers, the lot of them. Pillocks. Always pulling out at the last minute, or screaming that they’ve been rooked, that they weren’t told something it was their business to find out. You know the sort. Pillocks.

CHISELHURST: Donger, do you find April attractive?

BENNETT: Phwoarr!

TREECE: Really, Tiny.

BENNETT: No, fair question. You look very good for your age, Miss Treece. April. Smart. Good clothes. I like that. Not like some of the shag-slags. Some women put on a suit and look dikey, but not you.

CHISELHURST: If Dr Wendel came at you in a pub with a knife, could you take him?

BENNETT: No offence, but yes.

WENDEL: You might be surprised.

BENNETT: Like I said, I’m a winner. If he had a knife and I didn’t, I’d bottle him. End of story. It’s not even that he’s older and smaller, but it’s that he hasn’t got the heart. Most people haven’t. Too squeamish.

CHISELHURST: Thank you, Harry… ah, Donger. We’ll be in touch.

BENNETT: Have I passed? Is there anyone behind the mirror?

CHISELHURST: We have enjoyed this interview.

BENNETT: I’m in, aren’t I? I bloody knew it. You won’t regret this. You need me. I’m a natural for your show, what’s it called?

TREECE: Provisionally, It’s a Madhouse! It may change.

BENNETT: It’s a Madhouse! yeah. I like that. Anything can happen in the next half hour. Anything.

CHISELHURST: April will show you out, ah, ‘Donger’.

BENNETT: Excellent. I’ll be back. Ka-poww!

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 34.

APPLICANT: SHONA MURTAUGH, 24

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

WENDEL: So, Shona…

MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]

WENDEL: I beg your pardon?

MURTAUGH: ‘So, Shona’. Sounds funny like that, [high-pitched giggles] Are you all right? Look like you’ve swallowed a lemon, you do.

WENDEL: It’ll pass.

MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]

[noise of glasses and bottles rattling on table]

WENDEL: I beg your pardon.

MURTAUGH: You’re funny, you are. You’ve got to have a laugh, haven’t you, though, [high-pitched giggles]

WENDEL: It’s not actually a physiological necessity, but there may be some psychological explanation.

MURTAUGH: You what? You talk mental, you do. [high-pitched giggles]

CHISELHURST: We were interested in your sexual history. MURTAUGH: [extremely high-pitched giggles] CHISELHURST: Well, Shona, we were. You seem to have been an unusually busy girl.

MURTAUGH: I just like… [high-pitched giggles] WENDEL: We’re not here to judge you.

MURTAUGH: Yes, you are. To see if I’m right for your show.

[noise of bracelets clattering]

WENDEL: Well, of course, in that sense, you’re right.

MURTAUGH: You should watch what you say. People might think you were taking liberties. People might not like that. People might not like that at all, thank you very much indeed. I should cocoa,

[thump on table]

WENDEL: I apologise.

MURTAUGH: So you should, so you should, [high-pitched giggles] I can’t help it. It’s your face. You look like a bearded collie. I think I’ll wet my knickers. I’m mad, me. You must think I’m dreadful. Sorry.

[faint grinding of teeth]

LARK: Others have noted the, ah, resemblance between Dr Wendel and a dog.

MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles] I’ll do myself an injury at this rate. You’re a funny mob, aren’t you? Not outright funny like Jim Davidson, but it’s the way you say things, all sly and clever but with hidden meanings. It’s all there, isn’t it? You must have enough cleverness to get to the moon in this room, eh? All to get to the bottom of me. It don’t seem right. I should be trying to get to the bottom of you.

TREECE: You’re not working at the moment.

MURTAUGH: I was sacked from my last place, at the DSS. Went from one side of the counter to the other. Something will come along. It always does. I’m good at getting jobs, not so good at keeping them, [high-pitched giggles] This is like a job interview, isn’t it?

WENDEL: There are similarities. But there are differences.

MURTAUGH: That sounds cryptic, [high-pitched giggles] So, do I get it?

CHISELHURST: You’re shortlisted, certainly.

MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]

CHISELHURST: April will show you out.

MURTAUGH: Ta ta for now.

[noise of leaving]

TREECE: What was that girl on? Laughing gas?

LARK: Every time she went off, I felt it in my fillings. It’s quite extraordinary.

TREECE: All the dogs in the area have gone mad.

CHISELHURST: I think she’s a natural for It’s a Madhouse!.

TREECE: You can’t put Shona on television, Tiny. There’d be bomb threats.

CHISELHURST: Ape, that girl is a star. Her funeral will be bigger than Diana’s.

EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 41.

APPLICANT: MARTIN LEIGH, 39

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

LEIGH: Prison’s not so bad, once you’ve made your mark. You just have to let them know where you are on the totem pole. You pick out some old villain, some big nob from years ago who still thinks he’s got it, and you take him apart. Mark his face, put him in the infirmary, get the boot in. Then you take what was his, make it yours. Earn some respect. You can come out ahead, if you’ve got good currency. Fags and smack, mostly, but you can build an empire on a good source of chocolate.

TREECE: You have a lot of tattoos.

LEIGH: More than you can see. Turns you on, does it? All the birds like ink. And, inside, some of the fellers. You’d think it’d make a difference, but after a while… Well, one hole’s as good as another.

WENDEL: And so, how long were you a warder?

LEIGH: About five years. After the Paras and the SAS wouldn’t have me, it seemed a decent option. You wouldn’t think the Paras and the SAS would be soft, would you? I’ve had ex-Paras on my block and made them whine and beg. Shows you how much tests and interviews count for anything.

EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 72.

APPLICANT: ANDREA D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES, 19

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

LARK: What are you looking for in a man, Andrea?

D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Good shoes are a sign.

LARK: Of what?

D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Status, you might call it. There are other giveaways. Like, if he has a good post code but only owns a flat. I mean, if he hasn’t got enough to buy a house by now, things are hardly likely to get better.

LARK: Do you believe in romance?

D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Yes, of course. But it’s easy to come by, isn’t it. There are always blokes falling over their willies to get to you. After a while, you have to impose stricter criteria. It’s not money in and of itself, it’s the things that come with it.

LARK: Do you believe in marriage?

D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Absolutely. That’s why I’m so careful about who I get married to. And about who I hop into bed with. It can’t be just anybody, you know.

TREECE: Andrea, why do you want to be on television?

D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Well, it’s advertising, isn’t it? I hope to make an impression on the right people.

EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 108.

APPLICANT: DONOVAN WYKE, 27

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

WENDEL: I put it to you, Donovan, that you are a habitual fantasist, a chancer who drifts through life dreaming of the big scores but inevitably botches even the petty scams, a bloodsucker who has exploited and betrayed every human connection you have ever made, a man unable to understand even the concepts of honour and fidelity, a compulsive liar with no conscience about wild promises made and broken, a congenital screw-up who is lucky not to have been knifed in an alley or wound up living on the streets begging for spare change to feed your crack habit.

WYKE: Well, I suppose if you were being hardcore about it, but there are explanations.

CHISELHURST: Welcome to It’s a Madhouse! Donny.

WYKE: You won’t regret this. I can promise you that.

EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 125.

APPLICANT: PETRA KIDNER, 22

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

KIDNER: There’s just something sexy about fire. I feel it in my clit, in my nipples, in the scar tissue on my inner thigh and upper back. I love everything about fire. The smoke, the flames, the heat, the crackle. Every month, I take off my eyebrows. See. The pain is there, a part of it, but very minor. I just like to see things burn.

LARK: Things?

KIDNER: Things, mostly. But there’s nothing like it, you know. The smell, the texture, the taste. Burning flesh. It gets to me. Does that make me weird? I’m not, you know. I like a cup of tea and Eastenders and always send my Mum a box of chocs on Mother’s Day. Some girls love one particular pop group or a particular type of bloke. With me, it’s different. It’s fire.

LARK: So what is your favourite pop song?

KIDNER: [laughs] What else? Jose Feliciano, ‘Come on Baby, Light My Fire’.

EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT NO. 128.

APPLICANT: JOSHUA BREW, 22

FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.

CHISELHURST: You complained that we hadn’t responded to your entry form?

BREW: IT’S NOT RIGHT THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE TREATED THAT WAY.

CHISELHURST: We explained that your form was lost in the post.

BREW: YES, I ACCEPT THAT NOW.

CHISELHURST: But when you phoned the duty officer, you made quite an impression. That’s a distinctive voice you’ve got there.

BREW: WHEN YOU’RE USED TO PREACHING THE WORD OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AT HEATHEN POP FESTIVALS, YOU NEED A BIT OF LUNG POWER. I DO BREATHING EXERCISES.

CHISELHURST: You’ll forgive me for saying this, but you don’t seem like the normal type of young person we’ve been seeing for this show.

BREW: JUST BECAUSE I’M A CHRISTIAN DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T LIKE A ‘GOOD TIME’ AS MUCH AS THE NEXT YOUTH. I OWN MANY CLIFF RICHARD COMPACT DISCS. I CAN JIVE WITH THE BEST OF THEM. SOME OF OUR CHRISTIAN YOUTH MOVEMENT EVENINGS ARE EVERY BIT AS WILD AS A RAVE. WE PLAY CHARADES AND DRINK CIDER.

TREECE: Kickin’.

BREW: OH YES. BUT MY MAIN INTEREST IS BATTLING THE DEVIL WHEREVER I FIND HIS EVIL WORKS. I WON’T TOLERATE SATAN IN ANY OF HIS MANY FORMS. THAT I CAN GUARANTEE.

MEMO

From: April Treece, production associate

To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

Disaster! Donger Bennett, our prize plonker, the man we most want to see on It’s a Madhouse! has found ‘true lurve’ and wants to back out. Apparently, there’s someone out there blind stupid enough to marry him. One Maxine Evenson, another estate agent. They’ll probably breed! It’s too horrible! We have a contract, we could sue, but that could lead to publicity, which might lead to Derek the Antichrist having us killed. NB: that last bit was a joke! Please advise.

MEMO

From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

To: April Treece, assistant producer

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

Make an appointment for a house viewing with Miss Evenson, and claim to be Donger’s last fiancée — I know that’s going to be disgusting for you, but maximum Brownie points are involved — with only her best interests at heart. Play her a snippet of the initial interview tape, to wit:

LARK: You’ve never been married?

BENNETT: I’ve been engaged a couple of times, if that’s what it takes to get the cork to pop.

Then present her with the background check dossier we assembled before offering him the contract. You might highlight in pink the more significant sentences. Tell her you had the dossier done when he proposed, like a survey before buying a house. If she’s another bloody estate agent, she’ll understand. If this is handled quickly, the crisis will fizzle. Trust me.

MEMO

From: April Treece, co-associate producer

To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

Maxine Evenson is out of Donger Bennett’s life, lucky girl. On my own initiative, I ordered Claire to call on the Donger for a follow-up interview, which means we owe her hazard pay. While fighting him off and, we trust, not lying back and thinking of television, she let him see suitably cropped and doctored photographs of Andrea Double-Barrel, Miss Giggly and Petra the Pyro. Donger is extremely keen to climb back into the Madhouse. It’s my hope he gets on especially well with Martin ‘Lockdown’ Leigh.

PRODUCTION MEETING, NO. 54

PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS: Tiny Chiselhurst (Producer), Phil Bender (Director), Barry Gatlin (Presenter), Constant Drache (Designer), April Treece (Production Assistant), Claire Bates (Researcher), Davinda Paquignet (Researcher).

PRESENT, for CLOUD 9 TELEVISION: Derek Leech (Supremo), Heather Wilding (Executive Expediter), Basil Quilbert (Security).

CHISELHURST: You’ve all seen the highlights reel we put together of the video interviews. Incidentally, you’ll notice we got coverage of the room from three angles. The traditional behind-the-mirror shot was augmented by prototypes of the secret cams we’ll be using for Madhouse! None of the interviewees spotted either gadget, and here we had to install the equipment in an existing environment rather than being able to dress the set from the ground up as we will on location.

WILDING: One is in the light fitting. As for the other, I give up.

CHISELHURST: Behind the fire regulations notice.

WILDING: You’re recording now?

CHISELHURST: No. Davinda is taking minutes.

WILDING: Derek?

LEECH: That is acceptable.

CHISELHURST: So, how did you all like the tape? Do you see the potential?

GATLIN: MY FAVOURITE IS THE CHRISTIAN!

PAQUIGNET: Ouch, my ears!

WILDING: We see potential, Tiny. The tape represents your best prospects for Madhouse?

CHISELHURST: We have a couple in back-up, but yes. Dr Wendel?

WENDEL: It’s not just a matter of getting the right people, but of getting the right mix. They can’t all be too samey. There has to be a demographic spread of class, age and sex types among the subjects.

WILDING: But, ugh, no oldies, right? This is yoof you’re giving us.

WENDEL: No one over thirty-five, indeed. And eighty per cent under twenty-five. We built that early into the parameters of the experiment.

WILDING: Experiment?

CHISELHURST: It’s how Biffo the Boffin thinks. Heth, believe me, this is Light Entertainment, not Heavy Educational.

WILDING: Educational worries me. It’s a zapper prod. And so, frankly, are a lot of these people. Where did you get them?

CHISELHURST: They’re real people, Heth. They came in of their own accord.

WILDING: You must have recruited the prison guard… what was his name?

TREECE: Martin Leigh. Lockdown Leigh.

WILDING: Yeah, him. He’s a Central Casting Psycho.

CHISELHURST: He’s our borderline choice, actually. Miss Lark thinks he’s a bit obvious. Those tattoos might scare off some of the others too early.

LEECH: I like Leigh. He’ll be a leader. For a while.

CHISELHURST: My thoughts exactly, Derek. He’s a star in the making.

BATES: The one I hate most is Arabella Thingy-Thingy. The gold-digging posh bird.

BENDER: She’s my favourite. That voice. It’s not on a level with the LOUD CHRISTIAN or Miss Giggle, but there’s something awful about it. Almost Thatchery.

GATLIN: Looks like a horse, though. I don’t want to fuck her.

BENDER: Enough people will. You’re a Yank, Barry. You don’t understand this nanny thing we Brits have.

GATLIN: I don’t want to fuck her. But I do want to hit her.

BATES: Is that how you divide them? Into ones you want to, uh, have sex with, and ones you want to hit?

GATLIN: Them? People in general?

BATES: Contestants, participants, subjects, victims, whatever we call them.

GATLIN: It’s a fair enough system. Now, the Flame-On Chick. I definitely want to fuck her. I could light her fire, baby-cakes. You can take that to the bank and cash it!

TREECE: You’re a sick man!

GATLIN: That’s why you hired me, cherry-bee. You ain’t gonna get Alastair Cooke to present It’s a Madhouse!

TREECE: There’s still Craig Charles.

GATLIN: [laughs] Get the fuck outta here!

CHISELHURST: We’re off-topic, space kiddettes. Back to our mad people, please.

PAQUIGNET: I don’t think they’re mad.

CHISELHURST: What do you mean, Davinda?

PAQUIGNET: They’re just… ordinary. Even the pyromaniac girl. I don’t see them as any worse than the people I meet in clubs every night of the week.

WENDEL: Miss Paquignet, you are a junior assistant minion, I am a senior forensic psychologist. I assure you every one of these subjects is suffering from a severe, probably incurable personality disorder.

LEECH: Incurable?

WENDEL: By conventional means.

CHISELHURST: It’s possible that Madhouse! will have some therapeutic effect.

WILDING: Oh, give us a break, Tiny. This is docusoap shit, not On the Psychiatrist’s Couch. If we even thought you were sneaking something with content past us, you’d be off the air faster than a Girl Guides Tribute to Gary Glitter concert. We’re not funding this for therapy. The point is that the people you’ve selected don’t deserve help. Right?

TREECE: I certainly don’t want to see ‘Donger’ Bennett get in touch with his inner self and accept it.

BATES/PAQUIGNET: Donger the Plonker!

TREECE: He made a big impression on the girls in the office.

WILDING: And our office too. And we only saw the tape.

TREECE: You should meet him in person, get the full-strength Donger. Someone must have died and made him Bumgroper General. And he has this… smell. I think he uses rhino semen as an aftershave.

BATES: If nothing else, Madhouse! is the show that will tell the world Donger Bennetts are no longer acceptable.

GATLIN: So, none of you wanted to fuck him?

BATES/PAQUIGNET/TREECE: [retching noises]

GATLIN: Just asking, kittens. I thought he made some solid points, myself.

TREECE: [laughs] Are you sure you don’t want to be a contestant rather than the presenter?

GATLIN: [laughs and shivers] No way, Ape.

WILDING: As ever, we’re concerned with costs. How have you been coming along with the location?

CHISELHURST: That’s Constant’s department. Care to report?

DRACHE: Clearly we need isolation, and also a certain ambience of luxury. There’s a lifestyle element to the series, a subliminal trace of Fantasy Island or the 007 films, so we want a touch of class to set off the anticipated behaviour of the participants. First, we looked for country houses within the United Kingdom, but that proved impractical. Besides the liabilities of renting somewhere we all expect to sustain quite a bit of damage during the recording, our mainland is too small, too crowded. There’s nowhere, even in the wilds of Scotland, more than half a day’s hike from civilisation. It’s important that the players not have the option of just quirting and walking off. In the end, we’ve settled on an island. Several possibilities in British waters have come to light, but we favour the Med.

WILDING: That’ll cost.

DRACHE: Not in the end. We think the climate, the traditional association of the Mediterranean with ‘fun in the sun’, will significantly add to the show’s appeal. Never make the mistake of underestimating the fuck factor.

BENDER: Baywatch was a joke in the States, but a huge ratings hit here. That’s not all down to tits. If you live in Bolton and it’s drizzling over the gasworks, you want to switch on the telly and see sundrenched beaches, azure seas, drinks with a mess of fruit in them and skimpy bathing suits. It’s a can’t-miss proposition.

CHISELHURST: And international waters will help with some of the legalities. That’s always been a concern for Cloud 9, I know.

LEECH: It makes sense.

WILDING: Then it’ll be authorised. But we’ve worked with you before, Constant. I want no overruns on this. Don’t kit the set up with so much fucking decor that the animals get lost. This is a people programme, remember.

DRACHE: We have definite ideas on the look of the show.

TREECE: Abstract sculptures. Lots of sharp metal edges. Heavy candlesticks. Agricultural implements as ornaments.

CHISELHURST: You see the possibilities, Derek.

WILDING: No need to spell it out, Tiny. Now, our other concern. Clearly, we’re in a cutthroat business and the competition can’t get wind of this. The format’d be too easy to clone.

CHISELHURST: We’re already thinking of licensing it to the States. Look how Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? took off. And it’s a natural for the Japanese market.

WILDING: Our main concern isn’t plagiarism, though. It’s backlash. You all know Mr Quilbert?

CHISELHURST: Basil, hi.

WILDING: He’ll be heading up our security operation. As of now, he owns you. Understand.

QUILBERT: Good morning, Mr Chiselhurst, Miss Treece. And those I haven’t met. We’ll have one-to-one sessions scheduled soon. It is a condition of the involvement of Cloud 9 in this project that all matters concerning security be channelled through me. There will be no exceptions. We have prepared acceptable cover stories as to the nature of the programme, based on the mock proposal you sent out to the applicants, and these will be leaked steadily to the trades. We’re building the cover stories around Mr Gatlin’s track record in extreme stand-up and the well-established ‘adventure game’ style of show. The truly radical nature of It’s a Madhouse! should not become evident until we are ready to broadcast. I have prepared various strategies for dealing with the cries for suppression we envision as inevitable. Cloud 9 will preface the premiere with a week of anti-censorship programming, with our tame ‘intellectuals’ debating with the less coherent and attractive members of various censorious or regulatory bodies. The purpose of this is to defang those most likely to object to a show which we consider will have the widest possible audience. If columnists have just spent an hour on Cloud 9 crying for freedom of speech and expression, they can hardly turn round and say we should not broadcast a show they consider to be objectionable. We used this basic strategy very successfully last year with the launch of the Lolita Channel and a variant is currently in play to pave the way for our 24-hour War and Gore strand.

CHISELHURST: So I take it you’re giving us a go. Derek?

WILDING: Cloud 9 will take Madhouse! to series. Make us television history, Tiny.

THE FINAL SELECTION

Harry Bennett

Joshua Brew

Andrea D’Arbanvilliers-Holmes

Petra Kidner

Martin Leigh

Shona Murtaugh

Donovan Wyke

NOTES, by MYRA LARK

The optimum number of participants was set at seven early in the planning stages. An odd number ensures that, in the event of factionalisation, there will be an uneven split, with shifting loyalties or connections making for an unstable, potentially eventful series of relationship storms. In the event of heterosexual liaisons forming, one of the men will be left out. The most obvious candidate would be Mr Brew, because of his religious persuasions. More interesting from our purposes would be Mr Bennett, whose self-image is constructed entirely around his ability to coerce sex from females. It has been a subject for concern that Mr Leigh is too obviously dominant amongst the group, being habitually used to attaining his personal objectives through violence, but Dr Wendel and I have conferred and we see avenues around this ‘problem’. If a blunt solution is required, Mr Leigh could be handicapped in some manner and forced to a great extent to rely on the goodwill of the others for his continued comfort. A subtler way out would be to arrange matters so that, from the outset, Mr Wyke is in a more commanding position. His record suggests that he can for a short while at least project the image of a confident, born leader.

After running simulations and role-play scenarios with fully briefed substitutes, these eventualities occur in every single variation of the basic situation.

a) After three days, multiple sexual exchanges will have taken place. There will also have been betrayals, extensive verbal and minor physical abuse and the development of very deep, though shifting, attachments and dislikes within the group.

b) At the six-day stage, a danger point is reached as the group turn against the experiment. We believe they will make an effort to destroy all recording devices in sight, and repeat our suggestion that these be dummies. Some of the ‘hidden’ cameras should be easily discoverable and disablable too. It is vital that we keep the subjects ‘ attentions on each other and not foster a group paranoia directed at external bodies (eg: the production company), so we must insert into the scenario the idea that one or more of the subjects are in fact ‘plants’ working for us. You will recall that at an early stage of development, we rejected the idea of actually having a ‘mole’ in the group as unnecessary and unsatisfying. We believe these subjects are capable of creating and starring in their own paranoia/entertainment scenario with very little help from us.

c) Once the imaginary “plants’ have been dealt with, the programme will continue as before. Food, sexual favours, soft drugs and basic services will become currency. It is to be stressed that we should not go out of our way to make things difficult for the subjects — by withdrawing or tampering with the food supply, for instance — since the purpose of the show is to let them be themselves. Their own personality types are what is at issue here, are the factors that will make them stars. We have every confidence in them.

d) Most of the variables become extreme on the eighth day, when the subjects realise the experiment is not limited to the week they thought they had committed themselves to. Then the communications from Mr Gatlin should become more cryptic or mocking, playing on the knowledge of the survivor personalities we have gained in the course of the first week. It is possible that the group will forge together to attempt escape, but the inherent instabilities of the personality mix make this a highly unlikely and unworkable venture.

NB: Our amended psych profiles and the medical details of the subjects are attached. Note especially Mr Bennett’s asthma, Miss Kidner’s understandable high degree of tolerance for searing pain and Mr Wyke’s clinical sociopathy.

MEMO

From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

To: April Treece, co-associate producer

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

We have our madhouse! It’s three miles or so from St Helena, and we’ve bought it outright so it’s our own country (what should we call it?) and we can write the law-book. It was a refuge for the idle rich in the 1920s, and comes complete with a villa Drache is having restored to its original condition at great expense to Cloud 9. From the snaps I’ve seen, it’s very Agatha Christie. The hidden cams are being installed as I write. We’re taking advantage of the restoration to build a lot of versatility into the cams. There will be no blind spots on this island, though the stars will be told that there is one room set aside for privacy. Naturally, that’s where we expect a great deal of the action to take place, so it’s bugged from here to there and gone.

Just in case our stars take too long to find out about each other, we’re planting scrapbooks about each of them in the villa library. For the first week, Barry will transmit instructions nightly via a two-way TV hook-up to set out games and contests we’ve designed to be uneven and unfair, to sow discontent amongst the stars, and string them along the game aspect. Dr Wendel and Miss Lark disagree about when or if they will tumble to the ‘real’ nature of the show, but both are sure it won’t come until well after we have got the good stuff going. I sense Satellite Awards in the making.

MEMO

From: April Treece, associate producer

To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

Mr Q reports Shona Murtaugh is really Judy Burke, a freelance journalist for Scam magazine. The bitch is undercover doing an expose on rigged docusoaps. She must be imagining headlines along the lines of TV TEAM FORCED ME TO HAVE SEX WITH PLONKER.

MEMO

From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

To: April Treece, co-executive producer

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

Shona or Judy? It doesn’t matter. What I want to know is whether the meltdown giggle is real or fake?

MEMO

From: April Treece, executive producer

To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

The shriek is real. I’ve got that from three sources. Probably why she got the assignment. No one can stand to have her in the office.

MEMO

From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator

To: April Treece, co-producer

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

If the giggle’s real, the girl’s in. Have Mr Q disable any mobile phone or computer up-link she might contrive to get to our island (that goes for the others too, BTW). Miss Lark considers someone genuinely hiding her name will be a shoo-in to get tagged as the ‘plant’. If the scenario runs as expected, I doubt Judy the Journo will ever file copy.

REQUEST FORM No. 69

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

From: Constant Drache, Production Designer

To: April Treece, producer

It is vital that my team be supplied with the following as soon as possible:

1: A set of Sabatier kitchen knives. The sharpest in the world, and the most stylish. The full set runs to eighty-five pieces, and includes special blades for paring apricots, shelling crabs, etc.

2: Traditional tools for the shed. Nothing electric or rubber-gripped, just plain old wooden-handled hammers, screwdrivers, saws, awls and axes. I want that rough, honest-work, Waltons feel for this location.

3: Matches (books, boxes, Art Deco containers), cigarette lighters, flints, candles, magnifying glasses, tapers. Every room, almost every surface, will be fully equipped with little temptations. Also: fire-lighters, paraffin, brandy.

4: Paintings. We’ re concealing the video com-link behind a print of Edvard Munch’s The Scream. It’s a cliché touch, perhaps, but effective. Miss Lark and Dr Wendel have come up with a list of artworks appropriate for every participant, and we can make sure their rooms are designed to reflect, intensify or provoke their particular quirks. Bennett’s room, for instance, will be furnished with erotic prints of male nudes.

5: Ill-hanging doors. The villa is being refitted from the ground up. It is appropriate, given the title and the intent of the show, that none of the doors or windows be fitted properly. Every angle will be a few degrees out of right, every oblong almost imperceptibly a parallelogram. The house is almost an eighth player in our game, and it gets billing on the title so I’m sure even the tightwads at the top of the Pyramid will be pleased to allow the expenditure.

MEMO

From: April Treece, meister producer

To: Claire Bates, senior researcher

Re: It’s a Madhouse!

Much as I like the idea of Donger Bennett being woken up at three in the morning every night by an hour of Barry White played full blast through the speakers in his room, I think you’re missing the point. Madhouse! is not about what we do to them, but what they do to each other. Ideally, we should be able to sit back and let them get on with it. That was what all the psycho-babble was about, to harp on Dr Wendel’s favourite tune, ‘to get the right mix of personalities’. However, thanks very much for the contribution: Tiny does see potential in the music. What we’ve decided to do is, in effect, put JOSHUA BREW in charge of the entertainment. The CD library will be equipped with every recording Cliff ever made and the player will be set up so that it can only sound out full blast and in every room in the house, plus outside speakers that cover the whole island. If JOSHUA wants to listen to his favourite God Bothering chart-topper, then the rest of them have to as well. That should be an interesting frill, and comes out of the personality mix rather than being imposed on it.

PRODUCTION SUB-MEETING, No. 109

PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS: April Treece (Next to God), Claire Bates (Senior Researcher), Davinda Paquignet (Researcher).

PAQUIGNET: So, Ape, who’s your fave?

TREECE: Fabu fave or urgh fave?

PAQUIGNET: Fabu, first.

TREECE: Weirdly, it’s Petra the Pyro.

BATES: Me too.

PAQUIGNET: Why?

BATES: She’s the human one. If it weren’t for her kink, she’d be just like us. I hope she comes out of it.

TREECE: So do I. She should be the one who surprises the others. I’m betting on her as the star-in-the-making. She could have a scourge-of-God thing going for her.

PAQUIGNET: And as for the urgh fave? Donger Bennett?

TREECE: At first, but after a while he just gets to seem sad. Probably something about his childhood.

BATES: That’s just a strategy, Ape Donger Bennett is filth in a human skin, a dinosaur penis dragging a walnut brain around.

TREECE: Claire, you didn’t.

BATES: Give me a break, Ape. I’m not that desperate to rise in the industry.

PAQUIGNET: Easy for you to say. You’re out of minion class now, darling.

TREECE: I’m with Claire now. It’s Andrea I hate most. I remember girls like her from school. Always taking things away from you. BATES: I’ve switched too. The real monster is Wyke. The more they dig into his past, the worse he gets. Lark says he’s the true sociopath in the pack. Do you know he ran a bogus charity marathon for Eritrea? Organised it, rather. Couldn’t run for a bus, if you ask me. And he’s the one who picked up the initial flyer in the VD clinic. TREECE: No, that was Leigh. Wyke came from the Young Conservatives. He’s never voted in his life, because he doesn’t like to give a fixed address. He was buttering up some Andrea clone, trying to get her to invest in a bogus Internet service for dimbo debs. Bastard.

PAQUIGNET: Petra the Pyro is coming for them all, retribution with a flick-lighter.

BATES: Ape, would you watch this show?

TREECE: I don’t want to think about that. In the end, I don’t think I could resist it. You’re still an anti, though?

BATES: No. I cracked when you sent me after Donger. I hate myself for this, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

PAQUIGNET: It’s going to be very popular. I think we’re all going to do very well out of it.

TREECE: So, Claire, do you want to change your mind about the credit? After the Donger Affair, Tiny said you could go from Senior Researcher to Junior Producer if you want. It’s a Hell of a way to get it, but.

BATES: Ape, I’ll take it. Where do I sign, and in what?

CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER SCRIPT, CLOUD 9 TELEVISION.

Seven very special people. One very unusual house. An island paradise.

What happens?

You can find out tonight, exclusively on Cloud 9 TV, the Derek Leech Channel. To subscribe to this pay-per-view premiere, call our numbers now!

The show everyone will be talking about tomorrow!

It’s people. It’s real. It’s raw. It’s struggle. It’s surprise. It’s life. It’s Something Else.

It’s a Madhouse! Coming up next…