Commitment Hour

TWENTY-TWO A Prayer for Us All

When Rashid arrived, I was debating whether to pull the violin bow out of Steck's eye. I didn't want to touch it, but as the heat of the moment cooled, I began to hate the sight of my mother, disfigured by the protruding murder weapon. My sister self may have been having the same thoughts — she was me, wasn't she? — but she didn't reach for the bow either.

Cappie stood in shadow farther down the unlit corridor. Now that the excitement was over, I think she'd become painfully aware of her nakedness… or painfully ashamed of her Neutness.

"Hello," Rashid said to the three of us. "Where's Steck?"

My sister and I pointed to the floor. Rashid's mouth tightened. He came forward far enough that he could see past the glass coffins to the corpse.

"Dead?" he asked.

We all nodded.

He lowered his head and let his breath out slowly. "I suppose I should thank you — if you hadn't killed her, I would have been forced to do it myself."

"Why?" I asked.

"Family policy: no one walks away from betraying a Spark." He looked down at Steck's bloody face. "Stupid rule." He took a deep breath. "But if I didn't enforce it, my brothers and sisters would. Steck was the one who killed those children in the other rooms?"

"Yes."

He looked at the corpse again. "Sometimes you can't tell if a person is Iago or Desdemona." He sighed. "With Steck, it always had to be both."

After a while, Rashid asked, "Did Steck have a reason? Did she tell you why she did everything?"

We explained as best we could. It took all three of us, Cappie, sister Fullin and I, to piece together everything Steck said about the workings of Birds Home. Even then, Rashid had questions we couldn't answer: questions about technical details that Steck hadn't mentioned, either because she thought we were too stupid to understand, or because she didn't understand them herself. Rashid might have continued the talk about chromo-this and DN-that until the rest of us dropped from brain fatigue… but he was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps.

Cappie, farther up the corridor than the rest of us, spun immediately to face whatever was coming. She still held the glass splinter; now she raised it like a dagger, and waited… then lowered it again. "Just a bird-servant," she said.

A moment later, I could see the figure for myself — the bird-servant colored like a cardinal, although its brilliant red was muted to charcoal gray in the shadowy corridor. It passed Cappie without a glance and stepped coolly over Steck's corpse.

"Not interested in us," Cappie observed.

"Not programmed to be," Rashid replied.

The cardinal went straight to the nearest coffin… which happened to hold Waggett. My sister and I tensed as the lid of the coffin swung open. The bird-thing reached in and lifted out my son with expert care: supporting the head, snuggling the child's small body in red plastic arms. I took a step forward, but Rashid caught me by the shoulder. "Easy. Let it do its job."

The bird adjusted Waggett's weight until my son was securely cradled against the creature's chest. Then it turned and walked back the way it came, ignoring all of us as if we were part of the stone walls.

"Where is it taking him?" my sister demanded.

"Back to the hangar," Rashid answered. "On a normal Commitment Day, the children wake up near the plane in Master Crow's nest, right? The bird-servants must carry them there."

Even as he spoke, four more bird-creatures strode out of the darkness: a hawk, a goose, the jay, and a mallard. Their movements were unnaturally smooth, every step measured like honey. Silently, they gathered four more children and carried them out of the room.

"This is a good sign," Rashid said. He kept his voice low, as if he didn't want to disturb the birds as they passed. "Despite all the damage," he went on, "the machines have obviously figured out what to do — send the Neut children back to Tober Cove, because they're the only ones left alive. It's nice to know the programming for Birds Home is smart enough to deal with this situation."

My sister self continued to stare into the darkness, watching the bird-servants disappear. "We should follow them," she murmured.

"The robots won't harm the children," Rashid told her.

"But the children will soon wake up, won't they? And when they see what they've become, someone should be there to calm them. To tell them it's okay."

"The new priestess," Cappie said. "You."

My sister met Cappie's gaze. Neither of them spoke for a moment. Then Female-Me said, "I'm ready to be priestess if you don't want the job. But you have first claim to it."

Cappie shook her head. "A Neut priestess? The cove has enough to swallow already. They'll accept the Neut children because they have to; but given a choice between a Neut and a true woman, I know which would make Tobers more comfortable. Isn't that a big part of the priestess's job — comforting people?"

"All right," my sister said. "But we'll do what we discussed last night — work as a team. Even if I'm the official priestess, we'll make our decisions together and…"

"No," Cappie interrupted. "I'm not going back to the cove. Not right away."

"What?" I blurted. "Not going home?"

"Someone has to stay here," she said. "Make sure that Birds Home really can repair itself."

"I'll do that," Rashid answered immediately. "I owe you that much, considering I was the one who brought Steck here. And there's so much I can learn in a place like this. I want to understand the cloning process… the exact way thoughts are transferred…"

"While you're doing that," Cappie said, "could you use a second pair of hands?"

"Probably," Rashid nodded. "It so happens I have an immediate opening for a new Bozzle… and there's a precedent of filling the position with a person of dual gendership."

Cappie glared at him with steely eyes. "If you think you're going to start up with me the way you were with Steck…"

"No!" Rashid said sharply. It was the first time his self-control had broken since he found Steck dead: the first time he sounded like a man instead of a Spark Lord. "I'm standing here with a corpse at my feet — her corpse! Do you think I'm so inhuman I can just…" His voice choked off. "No," he said with a catch in his throat, "I'm really just looking for an assistant, Cappie: a second pair of hands, as you put it. It'll be a long time before I… never mind. You help me here in Birds Home, and after that, I'll see you get back to Tober Cove. If that's what you want."

She looked at him for a moment more, then nodded. "It's a deal." Cappie turned back to my sister self. "Can you take care of Pona for a while?"

"Of course."

"I'll be back when I'm ready," Cappie added hurriedly. "I promise. It's just… I knew who I was when I was male and when I was female. Now that I'm neither one…" She shrugged.

"So you're trying to find yourself," I said. "But why can't you do that in Tober Cove? We need you there."

"Why? So you Fullins can fight over me?"

"We won't fight over you," I protested.

"In a few weeks, you might be fighting over who gets stuck with me. I know," she said quickly, "that's unfair. But it was just a few hours ago that you couldn't give yourself to me; not the way I needed. Has anything changed? Have you suddenly fallen in love with me because I'm a Neut? Not likely." She gave us the ghost of a smile, trying to take the sting from her words. "You may feel fond and sentimental about me right now, but that's not enough. There's too much pity in it — pity because I'm not male or female, and you think that's a tragic loss. Maybe it is, I don't know. But I need time to decide for myself."

"Then take the time," Female-Me told her. "Pona will be all right. And when you're ready to come back, I guarantee Tober Cove won't have a law about banishing Neuts."

"To make changes like that, you'll need help." Cappie smiled. "You'll need help from the Patriarch's Man."

She turned to me. "How about it? Will you say yes to Hakoore? For the good of the cove?"

"Patriarch's Man?" When I said it, the title sounded so sadly pompous — a relic of some long-dead tyrant, one more thing that should have gone on that junk heap in Mayoralty House. The Patriarch's Man was a self-deceiving fool with a book of laws and a machine that looked like a severed hand. "I don't know if I believe in the position," I said. "After everything that's happened in Birds Home…"

"You mean you've lost your faith in the gods?" Rashid asked. "This is so typical. I've bent over backward not to utter a word against your faith, but you're going to say I raised doubts—"

"I still believe in the gods," I answered quietly. "But not the Patriarch's Law."

"Then change it," Cappie said. "The Patriarch has been an ugly sore, festering on the face of the cove for a hundred and fifty years. Get rid of him."

"By becoming Hakoore's 'disciple'?"

"Yes… if that's what it takes to make things right."

A fire burned in her eyes. It felt strange to have someone believe in me.

"Do you agree?" I asked my other self. "If Hakoore puts the squeeze on me with that damned Patriarch's Hand…"

"I'll support you," she said. "Make sure your head stays straight." She laid her fingers lightly on my arm and smiled. "Two weasels together can beat a snake."

I smiled back. "All right — I'll do it. Patriarch's Man."

My commitment.

"Of course, you remember," Female-Me added, "there's a special arrangement between priestess and Patriarch's Man."

I raised my eyebrows. She was looking at me with cool appraisal. I returned her gaze evenly.

"This could get interesting," Cappie murmured.

"What?" Rashid asked. "What's this special arrangement?"

"Tell you later," she answered.

"And in the meantime," I said to Rashid, "can you do something about this radio in my head? I refuse to match wits with someone who can hear everything I think."

"Yes," my sister agreed, "please stop him transmitting. It's so embarrassing to know the second he gets horny for me."

"Me? Horny for you?"

"Silence, peasants!" Rashid commanded with mock severity. "Whatever you're arguing about, I don't care — I've had my fill of cultural observation for one day. Let's find the damned lab so I can get back to the hard sciences. I'm longing for things that make sense."

The lab was gigantic — far larger than all three coffin chambers put together. The front part held five large glass windows, showing words and numbers and graphs painted in colored light. There was also a corridor slanting upward, no doubt leading to Master Crow's nest. But what caught my interest most was the rear part of the room: a single wide aisle down the middle with banks of arcane machinery on either side. Even the height of OldTech culture couldn't have created such equipment. Glistening steel vats with pipes sprouting out in all directions. A tall pillar from floor to ceiling, with an exterior of black matte plastic and an interior of who knew what. Gray metal boxes that breathed out warm air through grilles, and faceless things with inhuman arms, delicately jiggling test tubes of red fluid.

"Glory be!" Rashid cried with delight. "Home at last!"

"This looks like your home?" I asked dubiously.

He ignored me, moving to a nearby window-glass and punching at a row of buttons beneath it. Immediately, the picture in the window changed to a list of names — all the children of Tober Cove.

"Amazing," Rashid said. "How could they find out your names? Unless they can analyze the thought transmissions as they're coming through and extract specific information. But that would mean they understand the actual encryption of mental data in the brain…"

"Can you turn off the transmitter or not?" I asked.

"Hard to say," Rashid answered. "If I find a nice simple data screen with a button that says, CLICK HERE TO RUN OFF FULLIN'S TRANSMITTER, then we're fine. Otherwise, it may take months to figure out the trick. This setup is far more complicated than I expected, and I don't want to monkey with things I don't understand."

Footsteps sounded from the up-slanting corridor. A moment later, the bird-servants appeared: all five walking in lock step, their arms empty. They paid no attention to us as they proceeded on toward the Neut chamber.

My sister self gave me a look. "We'd better get up to Master Crow's nest before the children start waking."

I nodded, then turned to Cappie. "Are you going to be all right?"

"Helping a Spark Lord in the home of the gods? You can't get safer than that." She stepped forward quickly and gave me a hug. "Don't worry about me." She gave another squeeze and turned to my female half. "I'll be back for Pona, trust me."

"Sure." My sister self closed her eyes as Cappie embraced her. "I'll miss you," she whispered.

Cappie gave her a light kiss on the nose. "You'll have each other," she said with a laugh. "I'll come back to the cove just to see how that works out." She grabbed my sister and me by the arm and gave us a slight shove toward the door. "Now get out of here. You both have work to do."

We nodded. My sister had already turned toward the door when I stopped. "One last thing." I reached behind my back and pulled out the gun; sometime after Steck's death, I had shoved it into my belt again without thinking. "This stays here," I said, checking the safety before I laid the pistol on the floor. "And Rashid… next time you bring presents to Tober Cove, try a fruit basket. Something harmless."

"Next time I come to Tober Cove," Rashid answered, "I'll bring Cappie. Is she harmless?"

My sister laughed… then slipped her arm into mine, as if she were taking possession of me. I didn't push her away.

As we began the climb up the slope to the hangar, Rashid cried, "Aha! Just what we were looking for. We look under Fullin's name, cross-match his personal transmission frequency, type in the numbers under DEACTIVATE, and…"

Everything suddenly went black.

"Fullin… Fullin…"

Someone was patting my face. I turned my head away.

"Come on, Fullin, wake up. Come on."

I opened my eyes. Cappie, the Neut Cappie, stared down at me.

"What?"

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

Groggily, I rolled up onto one elbow. I felt the weight of breasts on my chest as they shifted position. Was I the Female-Me? But I could feel… down at my crotch…

"Oh gods," I groaned, looking at myself. "I'm the Neut."

I let myself slump backward. I was lying inside a glass coffin.

Cappie stroked my cheek soothingly. "It's a shock, isn't it?"

"All this time I thought I was the male version… no, he was transmitting and I was just receiving." Suddenly I sat up. "Steck said the Neut Fullin was dead. Burned black as toast."

"And you believed her?" Cappie said. "Steck had better control of the armor than that. When your male self started shooting and your female self ran to Steck for protection, the force field didn't flick on until your woman half was safe in Steck's arms. Steck could keep the force field turned off when she wanted… so I knew she wasn't telling the truth."

"But why did she lie?" I asked.

"We'll never know. Maybe she didn't trust the male and female Fullins — she might have thought they'd hate a Neut version of themselves. This might have been a way to keep you safe from them. Or perhaps Steck just wanted to stash you out of sight until everyone else left Birds Home. It would give her time alone with her child: the one version who might truly understand her. Whatever the reason, she wheeled your coffin into the back part of the lab and hid you among the machines."

I looked around; I was indeed surrounded by machines. Off to my right, a gadget with a large metal drum whirled faster than a spinning wheel; something liquid gurgled inside. "So you were just exploring and stumbled on me here?"

"No, idiot. I started looking for you as soon as your other two selves left. Why do you think I wanted to stay in Birds Home?"

"You stayed for me?"

"Yes." She leaned over the edge of the coffin and kissed me. Hard.

"But I've been such a bastard…" I started.

"No, not you," Cappie interrupted. "That was the other two Fullins… with the other two Cappies. When I think of all the bad things that happened between us — those are like dreams from a previous life. I remember, but I'm not scarred by them. Isn't it the same for you?"

I thought back… and I could remember all the times I took advantage of her, the times I cheated or told lies; I could even remember the rationalizations I used to justify myself. But it was all secondhand, half-lost in haze; stories someone else had told me, dreams that meant as little as dreams always do. Only a few memories felt real and vivid: giving birth to Waggett (with Cappie holding my hand); my first kiss (with Cappie); my first time making love (with Cappie)…

Carefully, I climbed out of the coffin and wrapped my arms around her. Two newborn Neuts, warm against each other. The gods had never given me an opportunity to choose my gender, but they had still left me the chance to decide my future.

The choice was easy. "Happy Commitment," I whispered in Cappie's ear.