Changing Planes

GREAT JOY

I LEARNED RECENTLY THAT there is a restricted plane. It came as a shock. I’d taken it for granted that once you got the hang of Sita Dulip’s Method, you could go from any airport to any plane, and that the options were essentially infinite. The frequent updates to the Encyclopedia Planaria are evidence that the number of known planes keeps increasing. And I thought all of them were accessible (under the right conditions) from all the others, until my cousin Sulie told me about The Holiday Plane.™

This plane can be reached only from certain airports, all of them in the United States, most of them in Texas. At Dallas and Houston there are Holiday Plane Club Lounges for tour groups to this special destination. How they induce the necessary stress and indigestion in these lounges, I do not really want to know.

Nor do I have any wish to visit the plane; but Cousin Sulie has been going there for several years. She was on the way there when she told me about it, and in response to my request she kindly brought me back a whole tote bag full of flyers, brochures, and promotional materials, from which I compiled this description. There is a Web site, though its address seems to change without notice.

Any history of the place has to be mere guesswork. Going by the dates on the brochures, it is not more than ten years old. I imagine a scenario of its origin: a bunch of businessmen are delayed at a Texas airport, and get to talking in that bar where first-class and business-class persons can go but other persons cannot. One of the businessmen suggests they all try out Sita Dulip’s Method. Through inexperience or bravado they find themselves not on one of the popular tourist planes but on one not even listed in Roman’s Handy Guide. And they find it, in their view, virgin: unexplored, undeveloped, a Third World plane just waiting for the wizardry of the entrepreneur, the magic touch of exploitation.

I imagine that the native population was spread out over many small islands and that they were very poor, or fatally hospitable, or both. Evidently they were ready and willing, through innocent hope of gain or love of novelty, to adopt a new way of life. At any rate, ready or not, they learned to do what they were told to do and behave the way they were taught to behave by the Great Joy Corporation.

Great Joy has a kind of Chinese sound to it, but all the promotional literature Cousin Sulie brought me was printed in the United States. The Great Joy Corporation owns the trade-marked name of the plane and issues the PR. Beyond that, I know nothing about Great Joy. I have not tried to investigate it.

It’s no use. There is no information about corporations. There is only disinformation. Even after they collapse, imploding into a cratered ruin stinking of burnt stockholder and surrounded by an impenetrable barrier formed by members of Congress and other government officials holding hands and wearing yellow tape marked Private Property, No Trespassing, Keep Out, No Hunting, Fishing, or Accounting—even then there is no truth in them.

Insofar as one can trust the promotional copy, the world of Great Joy is mostly a warm, shallow ocean dotted with small islands. They look flatter than our volcanic Pacific islands, more like big sandbars. The climate is said to be warm and pleasant. There must be, or must have been, native plants and animals, but there is nothing about them in the advertising. The only trees in the photographs are firs and coconut palms in large pots. There is nothing about the people, either, unless you count references to “the friendly, colorful natives.”

The largest island, or anyhow the one with by far the most elaborate advertising copy, is Christmas Island.

That is where Cousin Sulie goes every time she gets the chance. Since she lives in rural South Carolina and has a daughter in San Diego and a son in Minneapolis, she gets the chance fairly often, so long as she makes sure to change planes at the right places: the major Texas airports, Denver, and Salt Lake City. Her son and daughter expect her to visit them sometime in August, because that’s when she likes to do her Christmas shopping, and again perhaps in early December, when she panics about things she didn’t buy in August.

“I just get right into the spirit just thinking about Christmas Island!” she says. “Oh, it is just such a happy place! And the prices are really just as low as Wal-Mart, and a much better selection.”

Mild and sunny as the climate is said to be, all the windows of the shops and stores in Noel City, Yuleville, and O Little Town are rimed with frost, the sills heaped with eternal snow, the frames garlanded with fir and holly. Bells ring continuous peals from dozens of spires and steeples. Cousin Sulie says there are no churches under the steeples, only retail space, but the steeples are very picturesque. All the retail spaces and the crowded streets are full of the sound of carols wafting endlessly over the heads of the Christmas shoppers and the natives. The natives in the photographs are dressed in approximately Victorian costume, the men with tailcoats and top hats, the women with crinolines. The boys carry hoops, the girls rag dolls. The natives fill up the spaces in the streets, hurrying merrily about, making sure there are no empty blocks or unbustling squares. They drive sightseers about in horse-drawn carriages and char-a-bancs, sell bunches of mistletoe, and sweep crossings. Cousin Sulie says they always speak to you so nicely. I asked what they said. They say, “Merry Christmas!” or “A fine evening to you!” or “Gahbressa sebberwun!” She was not sure what this last phrase meant, but when she repeated it as she had heard it, I identified it, I think.

It is Christmas Eve all year long on Christmas Island, and all the shops and stores of Noel City and Yuleville, 220 of them according to the brochure, are open 24/7/365.

“Those little tacky Christmas-All-Year-Round-type shops like we have at home,” Sulie says, “they’re just nowhere. I mean to tell you. Why, there’s one store in Noel City that is entirely bags. You know, pretty paper bags? or foil or cellophane? for gifts you haven’t got the time to wrap, or they’re kind of knobbly? So you just pop them in a bag with some of that curly foamy-like paper ribbon spilling out, and it is as pretty as it could be and just as good next year, too, if you fold it nice.”

When she has done her shopping and visited the Angels Nook, a sort of chapel where tea is served in the Little Drummer Boy Inn where she stays—the Adeste Fideles Inn, she says, is very nice but just too expensive—Sulie treats herself with a trip to O Little Town. She says O Little Town is “her favorite place in the world.”

If she has time, she goes there by one-horse sleigh, over the Christmas Tree Mile, a road lined with decorated fir trees in large pots and kept covered with artificial snow, the natural variety not being available. Cousin Sulie is vague about the landscape beyond the fir trees. “Oh just sandy, like pine barrens, I guess,” she says, “only no pines. But you should hear those bells just jingling! And do you know that horse always has a bobtail? Just like in the song?”

If her time is limited, she goes from Noel City to O Little Town on the Xmas Xpress, a jet trolley. In O Little Town one must walk, or if unable or disinclined to walk, one may ride the open-sided Santa Trains, operated by elves, which circulate constantly among all the points of interest.

“You can’t get lost,” says Cousin Sulie, “and you know, it’s so safe. Just think of the difference from all that ugliness in the Holy Land? Feeling safe just makes such a difference.”

There are churches as well as steeples in O Little Town; they are replicas of famous sites in Jerusalem, Rome, Guadalupe, Atlanta, and Salt Lake City. Villagers dressed in what my cousin calls “sort of Bible clothes” keep stalls in a lively marketplace selling peppermint canes and ribbon candy, toys, craft items, and souvenirs; children tumble in the dooryards of little cottages; now and then a shepherd drives a small flock of sheep down the street. Just outside the village is what the brochures describe in vibrant and reverential language as the high point of every visit: the Manger.

Cousin Sulie gets a little teary when she talks about it. “It seems like outside, because you go into like a big tent. Like a circus, you know? But more like a what do you call them? A planetarium? A planetarium. With black night sky, and stars overhead? Even when it’s a sunny day outside. It’s the night and the stars, there. And the Star, the Christmas Star. Just blazing there right over that poor humble little manger. Oh, it just puts our First Baptist lawn scene to shame. I am here to tell you. It is so beautiful. And the animals. Not just a sheep or two, butflocks of sheep, and cows, and donkeys, and the camels, and they’re real. And the people are real! Alive. And that adorable baby! Oh, I know they must just be actors and do it for a living, but I do feel they must be blessed by it even if they don’t know it. I spoke to one of the Josephs once, I recognised him in the yard of one of those sweet little cottages in the village. I’d seen him being Joseph more than once, a fine-looking man, about fifty, he has a nice face, and you know somehow Joseph isn’t so awesome as the others? The Kings, now, I’d never. And that little Mary is just too angelic for this world. But Joseph seems like more approachable. So I greeted him, and he smiled and waved his hands like foreigners do and said Merra-Krissma! the way they do. They’re just all so sweet. They truly show the Christmas spirit.”

Sulie told me that she feels it a great pity sick children cannot be taken to Christmas Island. “Poor little mites who just can’t wait those months till Santa comes—if they could only see Santa’s Ride in Yuleville! It’s every evening at nine and again at eleven. Those reindeer come a-clattering over the rooftop of the Cozy Home, you can see it from the Town Square or on the closed-circuit TV, and Santa gets out of the sleigh and just pops down that chimney like a jack-in-the-box backward—wouldn’t they love to see that? And Rudolph’s nose just glowing like a taillight! But it seems like there’s no way they can figure out how to bring the children there without causing them too much distress. Even though the tour has scientifically perfected the transition for adults. You know, I wouldn’t go to just any of those planes. Heaven only knows where you might end up! Christmas Island is a guaranteed destination. But it is a pity. You can’t just take a poor little sick child to suffer and worry in a busy airport even though it would be such a treat for them.” And tenderhearted Sulie sighs. “I don’t deserve it,” she says. “Sometimes, you know, I think I won’t go back there again? I shouldn’t. It’s greedy. I should just wait for Christmas to come to me. But it’s so long between Decembers…”

THERE ARE OTHER holiday isles on the Great Joy Corporation plane. Cousin Sulie has visited only Easter Island. She didn’t like it much, perhaps because she had a cold coming on and was worried about her flight out of Denver to Seattle. She had, rather riskily, changed planes while actually sitting in the plane while it was sitting on the ground being de-iced for the third time in a snowstorm. “It just wasn’t a very good time to travel,” she said.

The cover of the brochure shows a sand dune crowned with a row of the familiar frowning monoliths of the South Sea Easter Island. My cousin seems to have missed these or ignored them. “I guess I was looking for something a little more on the sacred side?” she said. “I did enjoy the display of those Russian Emperors’ eggs. The rubies and gold and all. They were pretty. But you wonder why emperors need so many eggs. They kept them on their feet, I read somewhere. It seems strange. I suppose they were Communists. But the rabbits? Sakes! Rabbits just everywhere. Underfoot. I never much liked rabbits since James tried raising rabbits to sell to butcher markets, down in Augusta, Fred Ingley talked him into it, but there wasn’t hardly any market for them, and then James got his tumor, and the rabbits took some rabbit disease and died all in a week, just died like flies, every last one of them, and I had no way to get rid of all that miserable mess but set fire to those hutch things and burn them to the ground. Oh, my. I don’t like to recall that… Well, then. There’s lots of little chickies peeping around, they’re sweet. And the baskets in the Bunny Hop Market are just gorgeous. But I couldn’t afford anything much. And it was hot! I kept thinking about that blizzard in Denver. I just wasn’t in the right mood, I guess. So many eggs and rabbits.”

TO JUDGE BY THE promotional materials, Christmas, Easter, and Fourth are the biggest, most developed, and most popular islands. The rather modest brochure for Hollo-Een! is all about Family Fun and clearly aimed at parents and children trapped in airports.

To judge by the photographs, Hollo-Een! Island swarms with pumpkins, I can’t tell whether honest pumpkins or plastic ones. There is a fairground with roller coaster, spook rides, tunnel of horrors, etc. The natives running concessions, waiting tables, cleaning rooms, etc., are dressed as witches, ghosts, space aliens, and Ronald Reagan. There is “Trick or Treating Every Evening! Safe! Supervised! (All candy guaranteed safe and healthful).” While the children are being led about from house to house of Spook-E-Ville, the parents can watch any one of “One Hundred Horror Movies” on the big-screen TV in their suite in Addams House or Frankenstein’s Castle.

I detected a slightly stuffy note in Cousin Sulie’s voice when she gave me the brochure. Its text contains an inordinate number of blandly but insistently reassuring statements from Protestant ministers of various denominations. They all describe Hollo-Een! as clean, safe, wholesome family fun. Absolutely nothing “harmful” or “disturbing.” But I am sure the keen noses of true believers sniff that brochure for brimstone, and their keen eyes discern, on those alien sands, the print of the cloven foot.

The promotional material for Fourth Island is far more lavish and not at all defensive. From the Permanent Living Reenactment of the Flag Raising on Iwo Jima to the Rockets’ Red Glare Four-Hour Fireworks Display every night, from the United We Stand Steak House by way of the statue-lined Avenue of the Presidents to the Under God Indivisible Prayer Chapel, it is all on a grand scale, and every last piece of it is red, white, blue, striped, and starred. The Great Joy Corporation is evidently expecting or receiving patriotic visitors in great numbers. Interactive displays of the Museum of Our Heroes, the Gun Show, and the All-American Victory Gardens (salvia, lobelia, candytuft) feature large on the Web site, where one can also at all times recite the Pledge of Allegiance interactively with a chorus of five thousand virtual schoolchildren.

Accommodations on Fourth Island range from The ** George Washington Country Inn to The ****** George W. Bush Grand Luxury Hotel and Suites. (It was foolish of me to hope for a grim motel with hourly rates called The Last Resort of Scoundrels.)

In comparison to the high-rises over white sand beaches, blue sea, red umbrellas, the imposing avenues, and the marble vistas of Fourth Island, Valentine’s Island looks cozy and old-fashioned. It is of course heart-shaped, and Truelove Town is heart-shaped too. Lots of pink and white, lots of lace, lots of honeymoon suites, and second honeymoon suites, and eternal honeymoon suites, at the Chocolate Box Hotel. Bicycles built for two may be rented. Smiling native children dressed—barely—as cupids are photographed aiming paper arrows at smiling couples in bowers of artificial roses. “Well, I suppose if you were in the right mood, with the right person, it might be nice,” says Cousin Sulie, turning over the leaflets a little disdainfully.

The brochure for New Year’s Island says “all facilities brand-new.” There appears to be in fact only one facility: a vast hotel. It has fourteen banquet rooms and six grand ballrooms and a golf course on the roof. The only picture taken out of doors is a view of a great open courtyard strung with Chinese lanterns. New Year’s Island is evidently designed for brief visits, a few hours or a single night, by travelers who have not much time to spend and want to spend it at a party, for aside from the golf course that is all the entertainment offered—”The Party of Your Life!”

Actually a wide choice of parties: one in a gilded ballroom, with balloons and waltzes and an orchestra; one in a “Greenwhich Village Flapper Days Loft,” with jazz and bootleg gin; one in a “Cheers-Type Bar,” one at a “Sixties Hippie Love-In,” and so on. An appropriate costume for the evening, from ball gown or black tie to purple mohawk wig and temporary nose and lip studs, may be rented. Studying the faces in the photographs of parties in progress, I’d guess that an appropriate companion for the evening may also be rented. Among the dancers, at the buffet tables, clinking champagne glasses, are a lot of pretty, young women and handsome, fortyish men. They are all slender, all dark, and all smiling. They don’t look like tourists. The tourists do.

I got the impression from these brochures that a visit to the Great Joy Corporation’s plane might be quite expensive, though no prices are listed. If you call the 800 number or try to find out on the Net, they just assure you that transportation to the plane is “absolutely free,” and suggest brightly that you’ll want to bring a “valid credit card.” Cousin Sulie tells me that “it isn’t half as bad as that place with the funny name in Florida that Sally Ann insisted on us going to. Honey, those people, they’ll skin you.”

On New Year’s Island just before midnight (which I believe occurs every twelve hours, possibly every six) everybody who can still stand up flocks out to the great courtyard, where a three-story-tall TV screen shows the ball falling down in Times Square. Everybody holds hands and champagne glasses with the usual difficulty and sings “Auld Lang Syne.” There are fireworks and more champagne, and the party goes on. And on, and on. I wonder how they clean the party rooms. Maybe they have duplicate rooms, one in use and one being cleaned. Maybe nobody notices. I wonder how they get drunks back to their airport of origin on time, and if they don’t, do they get sued? Not that it’s any use suing a corporation. I wonder what they give people to smoke at the Hippie Love-In Party and to use at the Punk Underground Party, and how they get them back where they started.

Anyhow, where it’s always New Year’s Eve it’s never New Year’s Day. No resolutions need be made. There’s no need even to send the partygoers home so long as they’re willing to carry on partying until the countdown begins again and the ball falls down in Times Square again and the fireworks go off again and they sing “Auld Lang Syne” again and have some more champagne. Beyond this my imagination balks. It will not furnish me with any further possibilities concerning life on New Year’s Island. It informs me that there are none.

Cousin Sulie and I don’t see eye to eye on everything, but in this case we agree. “I wouldn’t go to that party island,” she said. “I always did hate New Year’s Eve.”

I noticed that one element of the entertainment in the great courtyard was a Chinese New Year in San Francisco Dragon Parade. The natives in the picture look far more convincing as Chinese Americans than as cupids or elves or Revolutionary soldiers crossing the Delaware. It got me to wondering if there were any, as it were, un-American islands on the Great Joy Corporation plane. Sulie was vague about this. “There’s lots of islands,” she said. “Some of them might be foreign.”

With this and other questions in mind, I called my friend Sita Dulip. To my surprise, she had not even heard about the plane. I told her what I could and sent her all the literature I had.

After a week or two she called me back. She had tried to contact the Great Joy Corporation and had the expectable difficulty getting anywhere behind the 800 number. But Sita is knowledgeable and persistent, and she finally sweet-talked her way to somebody in Public Relations, who sent her a set of literature and fliers, much the same as those Sulie had collected, and also a list of memos on Island Projects. These had been generated by the PR and Development departments and were apparently under consideration by the decision makers of the corporation. They included:

Isla Cinco de Mayo (a fully developed plan that is evidently about to be implemented)

Sit Seder Every Night! (lack of detailed information on this indicates that the project has been shelved)

Kwanzaa! Afric-Island (a rough sketch of facilities and “participatory entertainments,” with approving notations from higher-ups, such as Go for if)

Tét Everlasting (almost no details)

Holi Holi Holi (a long, enthusiastic memo, describing all the possibilities of colored water and colored powder and classical Indian dance, signed R. Chandranathan, which does not seem to have received encouragement from above)

Sita continues to investigate the Great Joy Corporation and its plane.

HAVING WRITTEN THIS MUCH, I decided to put the piece away until I had heard from Sita again. It was nearly a year before she got in touch and brought me up to date.

Soon after we talked, Sita decided to notify the Interplanary Agency of the operations of the Great Joy Corporation on “The Holiday Plane™”—which turned out to have been known for centuries to the Agency. It is described (in its original state) and listed in the Encyclopedia Planaria as Musu Sum.

The Agency, as may be imagined, is overloaded with the tasks of registering and investigating newly discovered planes, installing and inspecting transfer points, hostels, and tourist facilities, regulating interplanar relations, and a thousand such responsibilities. But when they learned that a plane had been closed to free entry and exit and was being operated as a sort of prison camp for its inhabitants to the profit of the operators, they acted at once, decisively.

I do not know how the Agency exerts its authority, or even on what its authority rests, or what instruments of persuasion it may use; but the Great Joy Corporation no longer exists. It has ceased to be, as mysteriously as it came to be, still without a history, or a face, or a shred of accountability.

Sita sent me the new literature from Musu Sum. The island resorts are now being operated by the islanders themselves as a cooperative venture, supervised for the first year by expert advisers from the Agency.

This makes sense, in that the modest subsistence economy of the region was completely destroyed by the Great Joy Corporation and cannot be restored overnight, while all the hotels and restaurants and roller coasters are in place, and people who have been trained to serve and entertain the tourists might as well use and profit by their training. On the other hand, it boggles the mind a bit. Especially Fourth Island. An orgiastic monument of American sentimental nationalism operated entirely by people who know nothing about the United States except that they were ruthlessly used by Americans for years? Well, I suppose it is not wholly improbable even on this plane. Exploitation can cut two ways.

I have met a native of Musu Sum, one of the first to take advantage of his people’s newly regained freedom to travel; Sita asked him to come by and see me. He thanked me most graciously for my part in the liberation of his people. That it was a totally accidental and tangential part made no difference to Esmo So Mu. He gave me as a “gift of the gratitude of my people” a little wickerwork ball, a child’s toy, rather crudely made. “We don’t make such beautiful things like Americans,” he said apologetically, but I think he saw that I was touched by the gift.

His English was quite fluent. He had been one of Santa’s elves as a boy and then was transferred to New Year’s Island as a waiter and part-time gigolo. “It was not so bad,” he said, then, “It was bad,” and then, his high-cheek-boned, expressive face crinkling into a laugh, “but not very-very bad. Only the food was very-very bad.”

Esmo So Mu described his world: hundreds of islands, many with a population of only a family or two, scattered out over the ocean “forever.” People traveled from island to island in catamarans. “Everybody go visit all the time,” he said.

The Great Joy Corporation had concentrated population in one archipelago and forbidden sailing in or out of that area. “Burn boats,” Esmo So Mu said briefly.

He had been born on an island south of the Holiday Islands and was now living there again. “Lots more money if I stay to work at the hotel,” he said, “but I don’t care.” I asked him to tell me about his home. “Oh,” he said, and laughed again. “You know what? In my home there’s no holidays! Because we are so lazy! We work one, two hours, in the gardens, then we don’t work. We play, we play with the children. We go sail. We fish. We swim. We sleep. We cook. We eat. We sleep. Why do we want a holiday?”

But Cousin Sulie was disappointed to find that the management has changed. “I don’t expect I’ll go back this August,” she told me rather sadly, when I called to wish her a happy birthday. “It just doesn’t seem like it would be like Christmas if it was a different nationality. Do you think?”