Bride of the Castle

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

"I'm telling you," Hochstader 3 insisted, "I didn't have anything to do with the life-switching scam."

"One of you has something to do with it," Max said.

"Not necessarily true, if you mean one of us, here." Hochstader 108 was the standard issue, maybe a tad younger-looking than Hochstader 3. The only thing really different about him was that he was decked out in some ridiculous medieval outfit: doublet and hose. The anachronistic note of orange athletic shoes somehow failed to be jarring.

"Okay, one of an infinite number of you," Max amended. "But somebody's responsible, and his name is Hochstader, and both your names are Hochstader."

"But neither of us cooked up the life-swap con," said 3. "Get that through your head. We're variants of each other, but we're both innocent. Got that?"

"Yeah, I guess. Jeez, this is so gonzo, so absolutely far out.

"Right, but it's not totally incomprehensible."

"Sure, it's all so simple," Max sneered. "Here we are in King Iodine's castle-"

"Incarnadine."

"Whatever-and there are an infinite number of portals and magical doors, and pretty soon Rod Serling is going to come out of the woodwork and start talking to the camera." The Hochstaders shrugged at each other.

"So," said 3, "what do we do?"

"Well," said 108, "first we'll have to get you back to your variant of the castle."

"Got any suggestions?"

Hochstader 108 leaned back in his swivel chair and thought about it. "I might, if I knew anything about tuning a portal. You seem to know a bit about it."

"I admit I've fiddled with the idea."

"Wait a minute. Didn't Max find you in that office?"

"Sure, I opened the portal and rented the office, or vice versa. But I hadn't started anything. I was just thinking about possible approaches, when Max barged in and started yammering about how I hoodwinked him."

"You must have had some swindle in mind," said 108.

"1 resent that. I was doing research into probability universe variants. It all relates to quantum theory."

"Yeah, I'll bet," scoffed 108.

"Listen, I know you. Hell, I am you. And we've done some sneaky things in the past."

"Yeah," 3 admitted, "sure, the computer scams. But that's the past."

"And this is the present. What were you really up to?"

Hochstader 3 sighed. "Oh, I admit, I was toying with some ideas. Like, noting a stock trend in one world before it started in another. But there's no guarantee these kinds of phenomena will cross worlds. Anyway, stuff like that. But as long as I thought about it, I couldn't come up with any surefire scheme to make money."

Hochstader 108 nodded. "Yeah, I've always been aware of the possibilities…'

"See!" said 3 accusingly.

"I said we're more alike than you're willing to admit. Sure, you'd think that there'd be some way to milk some bucks out of a thing like this." He gestured expansively. "Out of something like the castle. Hell, you could charge a mint for people to come and stay here."

Hochstader 3's brow went up. "Hey. I never thought of that.

"Of course, Lord Inky wouldn't take to that too kindly, but you might be able to get away with it if you stuck your guests in some far part of the castle. A little dangerous, maybe, but what the hell."

"Nah," said 3, shaking his head. "Inky would be all over you like a cheap suit."

"Eventually," 108 agreed. "But my question is, why do it at all?"

"What do you mean?"

"You have the castle, and everything in it, and access to any world you want. Why do you need money?" Hochstader 3 considered it. At length he shrugged. "I dunno. I guess money's superfluous."

"Right."

"Habit, I guess."

"Ri-i-i-ght." Hochstader 108 nodded sagely.

"But I still gotta get back to my variant castle," 3, went on. "I mean, both of us can't be here."

"Nope, it'd be confusing. And they'd miss you back at your place."

"So, what do we do?"

"Well…" Hochstader 108 turned to the terminal. "We have to summon a portal first."

"I have a question," Max said as he came back from a self-guided tour of the mainframe computer.

"Fire away," said 3. "Er, I mean…"

Max was still holding the minitranslator. He looked at it and smiled. "Don't worry. I'm not a violent person. It's just that I felt pushed up against the wall."

"I kind of understand. What's your question?"

"Which one of you is the real Hochstader? Or is neither of you the real one?"

Hochstader 108 nodded to Hochstader 3. "You take it."

"An interesting question," said 3. "But I'm not sure it has any real meaning."

"So all your variants are equally real?"

"Could be."

"I doubt it," said 108. "It's like holding up a mirror to a mirror. You get a startling effect, and you can't tell a reflection from the real thing. But as soon as you quit playing with mirrors, all the reflections cease to exist."

Hochstader 3 smiled. "Yeah, but exactly who ceases to exist and who remains real."

"Only time will tell, pal. Okay, check the portal." Hochstader 3 rose and went to the curtain. He was about to move it aside when he looked back at his double with suspicion.

"Hey, it just occurred to me to ask why you have this curtain up if you haven't been fiddling with portals."

"I told you I was thinking about opening up a door to Earth here. Wanted to duck back sometime. But there's still a warrant out for me, you know."

Hochstader 3 grinned: "And you were going to search for an Earth where there wasn't a warrant out. Right?"

Hochstader's reciprocating grin was a trifle sheepish. "I suppose the notion was floating around in my mind."

"Such as it is," 3 said with a wink. He peeked through the curtain.

"The office is here. Now, just how did you do that?"

Hochstader 3 shrugged. "Just lucky, I guess."

"Oh, sure. But I'm confused now. How do I get back to my variant of the castle?"

"Try going through and waiting a bit. I'll tune out, and something should replace my variant with another. With any luck, it ought to be yours."

"Yeah? I don't understand…."

"Listen, try relying less on technology and more on your magic talents."

"Magic isn't my strong suit."

"Use what talent you have. Castle people never lose their talents, once they get them, and they never lose the castle. You can always find your way back somehow."

"I guess you're right," said 3. "Well, okay."

Max watched the well-dressed Hochstader disappear behind the curtain.

"Say, where does that leave me?"

Hochstader 108 was busy at the terminal. After a few typistly flourishes, he poked a final key. "Press `Enter,' " he said with satisfaction.

Max walked to the curtain and looked behind it. Stone. He turned to the remaining Hochstader with a distrusting frown. "What's the idea?"

"Screw him."

"Why?"

"Not only is he a nogoodnik, he's not so smart."

"What happened to him?"

Hochstader shrugged. "Who cares? He's gone, lost in the quantum flux of possibilities."

Max raised the minitranslator.

Hochstader eyed it calmly. "That probably won't work in here."

"I wasn't going to use it." Max tossed the weapon on the counter of the work station. "You don't care about your twin?"

"He wasn't a twin. He was a reflection. Besides-" Hochstader 108 put his stockinged legs up on the counter. "I'm the real Jeremy Hochstader."