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Chapter 15

Cash

The guest bedroom of Emma’s house was suffocating. Unfamiliar. The shadow demon perched on the end of the bed wasn’t helping matters. At least it wasn’t touching me. As long as it was just the one and it wasn’t making a move, I could think. The only problem was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to think.

I glanced out the window, at the starlight and steady glow of the moon filtering through the parted blinds. Vertical lines of twilight painted stripes across the green comforter. I couldn’t help but wonder where Anaya was. Heaven? Hell? I sort of felt like I was both places when I was with her. Maybe she didn’t know what I was. What happened when she found out? I let my gaze drift to the shadow demon sitting in the dark, a twisted gargoyle with holes for eyes. Its black mouth opened into what I could only guess was its version of a grin. It made me sick.

“Who did you used to be?” I said, searching for something, anything human left inside of the thing.

I twisted the comforter in my fist and glanced around the otherwise empty room. “Your friends call in sick?”

It just stared at me, unmoving.

“What do you want?” I groaned, letting my head plop back onto the pillow.

“Youuuuu,” it hissed into the dark.

I sat up on my elbows and watched it twitch and jerk beneath its oil-black skin. Hell to the no. Sleep was not happening tonight. I climbed out of bed and a breathed a sigh of relief when the thing didn’t follow. It just watched me as I closed the door and padded silently down the hall to Em’s room.

I stood outside her door for a minute. It wasn’t her old room—the one I’d grown up in that always smelled like cinnamon and flowers—but it was her. And Emma was home, despite everything else happening. And I was so homesick, I could barely breathe. I twisted the knob and slipped into the dark, shutting the door behind me. Her mom waking up and finding me in here was the last thing I needed.

“Em,” I whispered and stopped when a deeper voice cursed under his breath and the bedside lamp switched on. The room exploded with muted light. Emma sat up and pushed a mop of tousled blond hair out of her face and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Cash?”

“Finn?” I said, feeling my brows hike up an inch or two.

Finn stood next to the bed in his navy-blue boxers. I followed his gaze down to my black boxers.

When I looked back up, he was shoving his legs into a pair of worn-out jeans. At least I was wearing a shirt. The lack of sleep must have been getting to me because it took me a minute to react. I finally held up my hands and laughed.

“Hey, I can leave,” I said, placing my hand on the doorknob.

Emma rolled her eyes and sat back against her headboard. “It’s not like that. We weren’t—”

Finn raised a brow at her that kept the rest of the words in her mouth.

She turned eight shades of red and looked away. “We weren’t doing anything. Finn can’t sleep at—”

“Emma,” Finn cut her off. She looked up at him, surprised, and he just shook his head. Now that I looked at him, I could see the damage that lack of sleep had left behind. The bruised look under his green eyes. The lines worn into his face. So Finn wasn’t sleeping, either. I wondered what could possibly keep Death himself up at night.

Emma sighed and looked back to me, her sleepy blue eyes softening in a way I didn’t deserve. Not after the way I’d been to her lately.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

Yes. Everything. Instead of telling her the truth I just said, “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Join the club,” Finn grumbled. He leaned over pressed a soft kiss to Emma’s mouth. I couldn’t watch it. It felt…wrong. I guess I always wanted her to find someone, but I never really thought it would happen. Emma was always so hell-bent on being alone. I still didn’t know how to feel about this. How to accept it. How to share her with someone else.

“Think I can use the bathroom without waking the warden up?” I had a feeling he didn’t really have to go, but I nodded.

“Use the one by my room so they think it’s me,” I offered.

“Just don’t get caught.” Em waved him off with a grin. “I’ll be grounded for eternity if mom finds out about our slumber parties.”

I nodded my thanks and Finn slipped out of the room.

Emma flung the right side of the covers open. “If you’re gonna wake me up and chase my boyfriend off, then you’re at least going to come talk to me,” she mumbled into her pillow. I crawled in beside her and bunched the spare pillow up under my head so I could look at her. Dr. Farber was wrong about a lot of things, but he was right about this. I had alienated one of the most important people in my life.

And I didn’t want to lose Emma. Not before I had to.

“So?” she said through a yawn.

“I’m sorry.”

Emma grinned and flipped a lock of hair off of my forehead. “I know. You couldn’t have told me that tomorrow?”

“There’s…” I swallowed. “One of those things in my room.” I closed my eyes and breathed in a scent that didn’t belong to Emma. That scent belonged to Finn. One more thing telling me that this wasn’t where I belonged anymore. But I knew that before I came in here, didn’t I? No matter what

Noah said, the only place I felt like I belonged anymore was with Anaya. She could push me away all she wanted, but when she looked in my eyes, I could see it. She felt it, too.

“Did it follow you?” Her gaze flicked to the edge of the room and I shook my head. She relaxed into her pillow. “Good. You can sleep in here if you want to.”

“No way. Your bed smells like a dude,” I said.

She laughed that sleepy laugh that reminded me of when we were kids camping out in the backyard, hopped up on marshmallows and chocolate.

“How many times have I had to endure the various god-awful perfumes left behind in your room?

Payback’s hell, isn’t it?”

She was right. She’d put up with my sleeping around for the past two years. Payback was exactly what I deserved. I didn’t have a right to be jealous of Finn, or any other guy she decided to date. Not when I’d been throwing girls in her face for as long as I could remember.

She touched the spot between my brows and frowned. “Did you drink the green shake I made for you earlier?”

“You mean the sewage you put in a glass and gave to me?” I arched a brow. She slapped my arm and I grinned. “I drank it. I won’t tell you it was delicious, because it wasn’t. It kind of tasted like ass.

But it did make me feel better,” I lied.

“It’s good for you,” she said. “And you look pale. Do you want some juice? I looked up this recipe earlier that had carrots and apples, so it might taste a little bett—”

I grabbed her hand, cutting her off, and sighed. “Em, stop. You don’t have to keep doing this. You don’t have to take care of me.”

Her bottom lip trembled and she squeezed my hand. “I don’t know what else to do. I can’t lose you, Cash.”

I hated that this was happening to us. It took her so long to get over losing her dad. She still wasn’t all the way there. What was going to happen when she lost me?

“You know what? I think I could go for some of that juice you were talking about.” I was getting too good at lying to her. “I bet it will help.” Anything to erase the hurt, helpless look in her eyes.

“Really?” Her face lit up.

“Yeah, really.” I smiled and sat up, rubbing my hand around on her head to muss her hair even more than it already was.

“Hey!” She batted my hand away and ran her fingers through the tangles, cringing. “I’ve got knots now, jerk.”

“That was the point.” I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the door. I didn’t want to go back into that room. I couldn’t. I didn’t really want to stay here either, though, pretending that things were the way they used to be. Emma’s hand settled on my shoulder.

“This is going to get better,” she whispered. “I promise.”

“I don’t believe you,” I whispered back through the ache in my throat. “I want to. But I can’t.”

“Then I’ll believe enough for both of us.”

The door creaked open and Finn crept in, settling on the end of the bed, looking uncomfortable.

Thinking about what Noah said, I didn’t know how to feel about him. I knew better than to mention

Noah, but he didn’t say I couldn’t ask questions.

“Did you work for Balthazar?” I asked him. “Before all… this?”

He looked surprised, but answered. “Yes.”

“Is he bad?

“What do you mean?” His brows pulled together.

“I mean, what is he capable of?” I asked. “Do you trust him?”

“He has the power of God at his fingertips, Cash,” he said, a hard edge to his voice. “He’s capable of anything. Do I think he’s evil? No. Do I think he’d go unimaginable lengths to get something he wants? Yes.”

I studied Finn’s expression, trying to determine if he was telling the truth. As much as I wanted to trust him, Noah’s warnings kept coming back to me, telling me not to trust anyone on this side. I knew

I trusted Emma. But this guy who had swept in and stolen her out of my life…no. I wasn’t ready to trust him yet. Not when he was hiding things from me. And even now, I felt like there was more to the story than he was telling. Maybe even more than he wanted Emma to know. The fact was, Noah was the only one being honest with me in this. He was the only one giving me enough information to make any kind of choice.

“And what do you think he’d do to get me?” I finally asked.

Finn frowned, something dark and secret flashing behind his eyes. “Why do you think he wants you?”

I stared out the window and shook my head, not really knowing how much to say. Em was sitting right here and that pretty much made my decision for me. “Just what if he did?”

“If he really wanted you?” Finn sighed. “He’d do anything.”

The nighttime air felt good in my lungs. The rest of me didn’t seem to like it so much. I pulled the scarf a little tighter around my neck and looked up and down the quiet street before stepping out onto the road. A chill pulsed through me, all the way through to my bones. My teeth chattered as I walked under the green glow of the streetlamp. My jaw felt sore. Everything did. My stomach clenched and ached from puking up the radioactive-looking shake and two glasses of carrot juice Em had forced down my throat. But I couldn’t go back in that room. Not when I wasn’t sure if I’d wake up. A warm glow spread out around me and a set of soft footsteps approached me from behind. Anaya.

“Hey,” I said brokenly, then stopped to clear my throat.

“Wow,” she said. “A real greeting. Don’t you want to yell at me some more?”

I sighed and turned around to face her. She looked like her own little sun standing there in the night.

So out of place in the dark around her.

“Don’t you ever get tired of fighting with me?” I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked up at the moon so I wouldn’t look at her. I wanted to look at her more than I should. And that scared me more than the rest of it combined.

“Yes,” she said so soft I almost didn’t hear her.

I gave in and let my eyes gravitate back to her. “So what are you doing out here, lighting up the whole neighborhood like a firefly?”

Anaya smiled. Just a small one, but it was enough make warmth bloom inside my chest.

“I’ve been out here for a while,” she said, staring at the ground. “I figured out I don’t have to be in the room with you. Most of them will stay away even if I’m just outside. I thought this might be… better.”

She bit her bottom lip and looked away. She looked…hurt. She was Death, for Christ’s sake. Was that even possible? Besides, I was the one who got rejected the last time we’d been together. I frowned at the uncomfortable twist in my gut seeing her this way and walked over to one of the big maple trees that lined the street. I pressed my back against the bark and slid down until I felt the cool grass beneath me.

I patted the ground beside me. “Sit down.”

“Why?”

I closed my eyes. “Because I want to talk to you and I can’t stand up anymore.”

Anaya hesitated for a second, then crossed over and sat down beside me. So close our thighs almost touched. So close her warmth reached out and latched onto me, making me shiver.

“What happens to me after all of this, Anaya?” I asked. “After all of this is over, what are the chances that I get the kind of peace you give to all those souls you carry over? What are the chances that I’ll get to be with my dad?”

She tensed beside me. I leaned my head back, letting the bark dig into my scalp, not wanting to acknowledge how much I wanted to touch her in that moment. Just how much I wanted the things she told me to be true. When Anaya didn’t answer me, I cracked an eye open to look at her. Her golden eyes were closed but her lids still glowed. Her skin looked like bronzed silk under the moonlight.

“Anaya?”

Anaya averted her gaze so that I couldn’t see her face and whispered, “Can’t we talk about something else?”

My heart thudded painfully in my chest. Noah was right. This wasn’t going to end well for me. I looked down the street to the dark windows of Emma’s house where the shadows waited. I should have demanded answers from her, the kind Noah was willing to give, but I didn’t. I didn’t think I could stomach it if she lied to me.

“Does it hurt?” she whispered.

“A little,” I said. “It’s hard to breathe. And I’m so freaking cold. I’m tired of being cold all the damn time.”

Anaya rested her hand on my wrist and I opened my eyes.

“Maybe I can help,” she said. “If you’ll let me.”

I swallowed and nodded. Anything. I was starting to think I’d do anything this girl asked me to.

Even with Noah’s words ringing in my ears, I was helpless when it came to wanting her. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I looked down at her hand. Hell, what did I have to lose? I was on my way out anyway.

Anaya sat on her knees and leaned in close to me. I couldn’t help but notice her white dress bunched up around her thighs. I probably shouldn’t have been looking. Probably.

“Cash?”

I tore my eyes away and Anaya was grinning. “Huh?”

She laughed and her whole face softened, taking the serious edge away, leaving just a pretty girl with gold eyes staring back at me, making my heart work a little faster. She reached up to cup my cheek with her palm and I flinched. Her fingers spread out, consuming the right side of my face.

“Just breathe,” she whispered. I took a deep breath. Exhaled. Took another breath, focusing on the feel of her open palm against my cheek. That last breath stayed stuck in my lungs when the warmth began to flow. Slow. Steady. It poured from Anaya’s palm and fingertips. Straight sunshine, seeping into my pores, setting my skull on fire. I closed my eyes and placed my hand over hers to hold it in place. God… Oh my God, she was so warm. So right. The heat spread down the left side of my neck.

My heart pounded like it had been frozen for so long, it’d forgotten it could pump this fast. I needed more. Couldn’t wait. Without thinking, I reached out and snaked an arm around Anaya’s waist and jerked her on top of my lap. She gasped and the sound forced my eyes open.

“Cash…”

I pulled her other hand up and placed it on the right side of my face. My skin instantly began to thaw. So good. I’d almost forgotten what being warm felt like. Her thighs set my hips on fire, the flames spreading all the way down to my toes.

Heat. Peace. Pain. I could barely breathe through it all.

“Please,” I said. “Please, don’t let go.”

She slid her palms down my neck until they rested over the pulse throbbing just under my skin. She shook her head. “I won’t.”

Anaya pressed her forehead to mine and our breaths clashed in the one inch of space between our mouths. It took everything in me not to kiss her. She’d made it clear she didn’t want me, but it didn’t stop me from wanting her. I shuddered, gripping her hips, not wanting to let go. Not ever wanting this moment to end. Slowly, every part of me warmed. The blood in my veins. The bones and skin that held me together. All of it blazed with Anaya’s essence.

“Thank you,” I whispered against her cheek.

Anaya nodded, causing my lips to brush against her face. “Just…try to sleep. You need it.”

I needed a lot of things in that moment. But having her molded to me like this, her heat filling up my insides, my hands on the swell of her hips…let’s just say sleep was pretty far down the list.

“Like this?” I asked.

Her thumbs rubbed up and down my throat, causing me to squeeze her tighter. “Yes. Like this.”

“Why does this feel…”

“Right?”

“Yeah,” I said.

Anaya sighed and shook her head. Her braids created a tent around our faces. She smelled like the sea. She smelled…familiar. “I don’t know,” she said. “I…don’t know.”