As soon as I checked myself out of the ER, I had Jill take me over to the neuro center so I could check on my aunt. The fisherman’s words seemed to echo through my head as I made a righteous scene, barging my way past the receptionist and nurses, holding my badge up and baring my teeth at anyone who even looked like they wanted to get in my way.
But when I made it up to her room, I got the shock of a lifetime.
“Where is she?” I whirled away from the sight of Tessa’s empty and made bed to confront the nurse assistant who had followed me into the room. Cold misery threatened to sweep over me as my mind quickly ran down the possible reasons why Tessa wasn’t in her bed.
“I’ve been trying to tell you!” the young woman panted. “She’s been moved to another section.” She bit her lip, hesitating.
The misery began to tighten my chest. “Where? Is she still alive?”
The nurse assistant gave me a nod that was clearly more emphatic than necessary. “She just needed to be given better care than she could receive here.”
I gave her a hard look. “Is she on a ventilator now?” I’d tried to mentally prepare myself for this possibility, especially with how much her body had been declining, but it was still a harsh blow when the young woman sighed and nodded.
“Yes. It happened only a few hours ago. We tried to call you, but there was no answer.”
“My phone got wet,” I said numbly, in drastic understatement. “I need to see her.”
“Of course,” the woman murmured. “This way.”
She led me to the third floor, a section of the hospital that looked like a hospital, with beeping monitors, and tubes, and a lingering absence of hope. She directed me to a room that held three other patients, each separated by a curtain.
I don’t know how long I stood there, struggling to reconcile the knowledge that this was her body against the sight of the degrading form before me. The only part of her that was recognizable as being Tessa was the frizzy blond mop of her hair, and even that seemed to hang lank and lifeless against her skull.
I finally took the necessary number of steps forward to put me beside the bed and made myself pick up her limp hand, shivering in reaction to the feel of emptiness. Come on, Tessa, I thought toward her desperately. I know you’re out there somewhere. You need to come back. Time to come back now.
Eventually I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and I looked up, surprised to see Jill. Then I realized that she’d been with me the entire time, staying still and silent and giving me the time I needed.
“Come on, Kara,” she said gently. “You need to go home. It’s been a long day. She’s going to be fine.”
I looked up at her for several heartbeats, then nodded and slipped my hand from Tessa’s. I knew I should feel encouraged by Mr. Raimer’s comment, since hopefully that meant something was happening with Tessa, that maybe she was on her way back. But all I could feel was a desperate need to see some sort of improvement, a twitch of awareness. Anything but the fading body that surely wouldn’t last much longer.
I walked out of the room, feeling weighed down and empty. I started down the corridor toward the elevator, then abruptly spun back and headed for the nurses’ station.
“My aunt is not a DNR,” I said to the nurse beyond the counter, nearly snarling. “Do you understand me? She does not have a Do Not Resuscitate order on her chart. If anything happens to her, you people will fucking do everything in your fucking power to keep her alive. You got that?” I could feel Jill’s hand on my arm, but she wasn’t pulling me away—most likely just making sure that I wasn’t going to do anything more confrontational than snarl.
The nurse didn’t seem particularly cowed by my vehemence. I could see in her eyes that she thought I was in denial and was being unrealistic, but fortunately—for her—she didn’t give voice to any of that. “Yes, ma’am” was all she said.
I resisted the urge to repeat what I’d said, to tell her again that she needed to keep my aunt’s body alive. It wouldn’t make any difference, I realized. If my aunt’s body coded, they would most likely go through the motions but wouldn’t make any extraordinary efforts—a well-meaning but misguided attempt to spare me and my aunt a torturous wait for an inevitable end.
I looked at Jill. “I want to go home.”
She nodded and led me away.