An Oath to Mida

13 A halt in the journey—and a thing termed reading

The new fey brought a strengthening of gold in Mida’s light, yet even the gold was unable to ease the clutch of the cold upon all beneath it. Once again the lanthay made their way through white mounds surrounded by bare, leafless trees, a landscape of desolation and emptiness which seemed to demand the reason for life being found in any of us. The village females rode farther ahead with their males, frightened yet, though less than they had been, apparently greatly eased by the rest of the darkness. I, of all in the set save Ceralt, rode alone, I near the end of the formation, Ceralt at its head. No others save Lialt and Telion sat their lanthay behind me.

My solitary position was of my own choosing for I had much to think upon. The happenings of the darkness before had been disturbing, yet no less so than the happenings of the new light. Upon first awakening, each of the males had paused before donning his leather to press his lips to mine, yet none had sought nor attempted my use. Each had seemed most pleased with the world about him, and each had given me greetings for the new fey with friendliness and lack of anger and disapproval. Never before had males seemed so pleased with a warrior save during her use, and I could not see what end they hoped to accomplish. Full suspicious and wary, I had folded Ceralt’s furs and those of the others, then had accepted the bit of dried meat given me. This had been consumed beneath the eye of Ceralt, he who was pleased to allow me to feed, and then was I commanded to don my outer garments so that tent and all within it might be prepared to journey further.

The gold of Mida’s light shone blindingly from many places in the snow, bringing an ache and tears to the eyes when one looked upon it. It was not well to ride a forest with eyes closed, yet there was little I might do even should an attack come, for I sat weaponless among males. I closed my eyes, giving the burden of where we rode over to my lanthay, feeling the cold upon my face, the movement of lanthay muscles between my legs, hearing the sounds of our passage and an occasional voice floating back from those before me. Lialt and Telion had spoken to one another earlier, yet now rode in paired, companionable silence. My thoughts continued to touch Ceralt and the other two males as well, again searching for one who might be spoken to of the death seen for Ceralt by Lialt. There seemed to be an acceptance of this on the part of the males, an acceptance foolish where the will of Mida and the demands of honor were not involved, one I did not fully understand. I slitted my eyes to catch a glimpse of where we rode, finding no more than that which had gone before, and struggled to know the workings of the minds of males.

The journey continued through the early part of the fey, and to the surprise of myself alone, a village appeared at the time of the mid-fey meal. It stood much as Ceralt’s village had stood, wooden dwellings ranged about an open area, yet it also lay somewhat quieter, gripped in the fist of cold and snow. More than a hand of males came forth to greet us, each bowing deferentially to Ceralt and calling him High Rider, and then we were led to the overlarge dwelling of the village, where village females had prepared provender for those who rode with us. It was easily seen that those of the village had known of our coming, and also easily seen that the females of our traveling set had great need of such comforts as were provided. They crowded round the fire over which meat roasted, happily warming the cold and ache from their bones, chattering in relief to those females who tended the provender. The males had been welcomed with the presence of skins of near-renth, and sat about in a circle of companionship, passing the skins about as they spoke and leaned at ease. Only one female had failed to join those at the fire, one who had instead placed herself to the left of the hearth where she might partake of the warmth yet avoid those others who moved herdlike near the provender. She called Famira stood apart from the circle of females, closed from their midst by purposely turned backs, shut out by ears which would not hear her, eyes which would not see her need. She had gazed longingly upon the happiness of the others before placing herself apart from them, for the other females, seeing her held firmly in place by the hand of the male Cimilan, had lost their fear of her and had turned their faces from her, denying her a place among them. This the dark-haired female had accepted without protest, appearing to my eye as having been emptied of protest. I took my gaze from her as I removed my fur body covering, reflecting that the cold of the land would not be bested by running to warmth at every opportunity. Better to remain a distance from the fire, the more easily to reemerge into the cold once the feeding was done. I crouched beside a far wall, away from those others with whom I traveled, knowing myself content to be undisturbed by males, knowing also that the female Famira might no longer be considered an enemy. She knelt in silent misery, her hands clasped before her, her head bowed, the laughter and speech of the others in the dwelling a painful prison holding her without. She had not the inner strength of Midanna to stand firm in the midst of enemies, nor was she able to think of those about her as enemies. I felt something of pity for the luckless female, for her previous arrogance had been caused by the reluctance of others to teach her differently, and now she alone bore the fruits of the actions of all. She did not weep in her misery, a thing to her credit, yet she was no longer fit to be called enemy to a Midanna.

With the provender full roasted, all of the females carried wooden squares to the males who sat drinking from skins. Those females of the village vied for the opportunity of serving Ceralt, and to a lesser extent, Lialt and Telion, and the males laughed at the manner in which the females pushed one another aside in their frantic desire to be pleasing. The female Famira fed beside the fire where she knelt, yet all of the others of the females went to their males with boards of their own. Ceralt, seemingly taken with the presence of the new village females, gave his laughter, and looks of approval to them alone, sparing no whit of attention for the warrior who crouched alone beside a wall. This, then, was that which Ceralt wished from a female—empty-headed laughter with no cause, looks of desire which lowered shyly upon his seeing them, gentle touches to his arm in anxious effort for his attention, eagerness to serve his needs no matter their nature. I looked to the well-worn boards beneath my feet. Seeing how clean they were kept, knowing the deed had been done by females. Ceralt wished a female who would be pleased to keep the floor of his own dwelling so, one who knew naught of the use of arms nor the call of Mida. This, he thought, might be had from a warrior of Mida, yet he knew not how foolish such a thought would prove to be. There had been those warriors of Mida who had been taken by males and changed from that which they once had been, yet no war leader had been numbered among them. War leader to Mida was a special state, and I, more than any, was Mida’s alone, pledged to serve no more than her will till the last breath had fled from me. I heard again the senseless laughter of the females, and made no effort to look upon them. They and their doings held pleasure for Ceralt, I and my doings giving no more than anger. All those in the dwelling saw happily to their hunger, and I, acrouch beside a wall, had none to see to.

Much time fled in the consuming of the provender, yet the males seemed unconcerned over the loss of trail time. I, deep in my thoughts and far distant from the dwelling, knew naught of their having finished till a presence was felt quite near me. I raised my eyes to see Ceralt above me, standing beside the males of the new village, and all appeared much interested in the look of Jalav. Ceralt rested his hand upon the hilt of the blade he wore, a thoughtful look to him, and one of the males beside him gestured toward me.

“And this, you say, is the wench,” said he, uncertainty in his tone. The male stood less than the height of Ceralt, broad yet lacking Ceralt’s broadness, dark of hair and eye as were all of the village males save Ceralt and Lialt. Though I knew no reason for it, I cared little for the doubt he showed, and rose to my full height as Ceralt nodded.

“This is she for a certainty,” said Ceralt, an unexplained gleam in his eyes. “Are you able to look upon her as she stands before you and continue to doubt?”

“See what she wears about her neck!” exclaimed another, and all eyes went to the carved hadat upon its tie which lay upon my leather body covering. My life sign was meant to be seen, and for this reason I had taken to wearing it above my garment rather than below it. The gathered males made sounds of astonishment and surprise, and he who stood nearest Ceralt locked eyes with me, attempting to cause me to lower my gaze, yet I felt no shame before these strangers. That I had been captured was no matter of pride, yet capture may happen to any.

“She is not a wench of the villages, that is for certain,” said the male beside Ceralt, a frown creasing his brow. “The insolence in her eyes seems nearly a match to her size.”

“She is wild yet and displeased with her lot,” said Ceralt with indulgence, a faint grin pairing with the gleam in his eyes. “It is my intention to make her fully mine before the journey is ended, a thing which she is aware of yet does not care for. She will learn the proper respect for men, for this you have my word.”

“A satisfying assurance,” grinned the other male, clapping Ceralt upon the shoulder. “Even though she is chosen by the Snows, she is no more than female and must be taught her place. Hannil will not care for such a look of insolence.”

“The females of Hannil’s village are more slave than woman,” replied Ceralt with distaste. “I enjoy the sight of obedience in a wench, yet slavelike obedience turns my insides sour. If a wench has no spirit, where is the pleasure in taming her?”

“The matter is not pleasure to all men,” laughed the second male, a greater look of respect for Ceralt entering his eyes. “As you are not far distant from your rendezvous point with Hannil, will you not pass a longer time with us? We are always honored by the presence of our High Rider.”

Ceralt smiled and turned to place a hand upon the other male’s shoulder. “And I am always honored by the hospitality of my Headman Levanis,” said he, true warmth in his tone. “Though we have, in truth, small distance yet to be covered, you must remember the presence of the wenches. It will require the balance of this fey and part of the next before we will reach the rendezvous point. Perhaps the return journey will allow for a longer visit.”

“The Serene Oneness make it so,” said the male called Levanis, the sound of sincerity in his tone. The other males, too, added their voices to his, showing the regard in which Ceralt was held. Each came to place a hand upon Ceralt’s shoulder, and then, with all body furs replaced, saw us to our mounts.

Mida’s skies had turned gray when the village was once more behind us. The cold remained as it had been, yet a lessening of the wind made it more bearable to one’s cheeks. We rode as we had earlier in the fey, yet with the loss of the glare upon the snow about us, the ride had become more enjoyable. I now was able to look about myself, though the benefit in such a state remained to be seen. After perhaps a hin of travel, Ceralt left his place at the head of the formation and rode back toward my own position, yet was hailed by Lialt before he had reached his objective. Lialt and Telion continued to ride behind me, and Ceralt urged his lanthay to a place close beside Lialt’s.

“I do not care for the look of these skies, brother,” said Lialt, eyeing the grayness above us with displeasure. “Perhaps it would be best if I were to walk the Snows this darkness and search for the likelihood of a storm.”

“No,” said Ceralt, and his tone was clear with decision. “I know not how often you may need to walk the Snows upon this journey, and I will not see you lost by cause of unnecessary walking. Save your strength, brother, for the time it will most be required of you.”

Lialt sighed, and the sound seemed to be one with the gray of the skies. “As you wish, Ceralt,” said he in obedience. “Though I know a storm cannot be stopped by my searching it out, still I would prefer the freedom to search. I am not to walk the Snows again till we have reached Siggur’s Peak?”

“I would prefer it so,” replied Ceralt, “yet I fear that blindness till then will not aid us. You shall walk the Snows in a fey or two, when Hannil and his riders have joined us and our journey is properly begun.”

“And our lot from the Snows unavoidable,” added Lialt, his voice flattened so that all emotion might be kept from it. “Are you so eager to embrace what has been seen for you that you give no thought to its avoidance?”

“In what manner might it be avoided?” demanded Ceralt, anger and annoyance amingle in his voice. “Shall I refrain from making this journey and thereby cheat the Snows of their due? Would this be possible, brother?”

Again Lialt sighed, and I kept my eyes upon the backs of those before me, making no effort to turn again to see the faces of those who spoke.

“Such a thing would not be possible,” said Lialt, his voice no longer willing to argue. “Forgive me, Ceralt, for having spoken of it. I, above all others, should know the futility of defying the Snows.”

“The words were born of concern,” said Ceralt, and a sound came as though he had gently clapped Lialt upon the shoulder. “Such concern means much to me, Lialt, yet we need not speak further upon the matter. Our paths have all long since been set, and now we have only to follow them.”

Lialt made no further reply, nor did Telion add comment to the discussion, and a moment later Ceralt’s lanthay had been ridden up beside mine. I raised my eyes to look upon the male who was destined to lose his life at the end of the journey he had so willingly begun, and the cold of the air dug deeper into the flesh of my body.

“A wench’s face looks best in the cold,” observed Ceralt, reaching out a hand to touch my cheek. “The blush of winter is most becoming, yet it cannot be comfortable for you. Should the cold increase, I will fashion a veil of cloth to cover your face and protect it. How sharply do you feel your having gone unfed?”

Briefly I studied the calm and serenity of his face and eyes, then looked away from him. “Jalav feels no hunger,” I replied, knowing it easier to go unfed in the dead white and dark twists of the woods about us. Ceralt made a sound of disbelief and reached forth a hand to turn my face to his again.

“What Jalav pretends not to feel is her punishment,” said he, a sharpness having entered his eyes. “A woman’s place is beside her man, seeing to his needs and serving him. Jalav kept to herself rather than kneel beside Ceralt, leaving him to be seen to by others as though he were womanless. For this, Jalav was denied her provender, so that she might consider her actions upon an empty belly. Consider well, wench, and ask the aid of the gods in cooling my anger. Should you fail to do so, your hunger may continue for some time.”

He then removed his hand from my face and kicked his lanthay to faster motion, riding ahead once more to resume his previous place at the head of the march. My lanthay attempted to follow his, and I found it necessary to hold my mount close, allowing it to do no more than dance in place. When the lanthay was once more resigned to its position, I looked ahead at Ceralt’s broad back and considered his words. How like a male to make a warrior his captive, and then feel disappointment when she will not do him as a slave of the cities! Had Ceralt wished such a female, he would have done well to choose another. I looked about at the bleak landscape once again, then silently called down the curse of Mida upon Ceralt’s head. His speaking of having refused me provender had brought a hollowness to my insides, recalling clearly the outrageous need my body had lately shown. Only once before had I seen such a thing, when a warrior of mine had been healed of a serious wound. Her appetite then had been great indeed, and Rilas, Keeper of our clans of the Midanna, had said that feeling so was necessary to replace lost blood and flesh. My hunger, however, outdid that of my warrior, and I recalled that her healing had not been as rapid as mine had been. Perhaps the rapidity of my healing was the cause of the hunger, yet whatever the cause, the hunger remained, I moved about upon the lanthay, causing it to dance again, and refused to consider the number of hind left to the fey.

Full darkness was not far from settling about us when the silent, gentle white began falling from the skies. It did not fall as thickly as it had in Ceralt’s village, and the cold seemed lessened by its presence. No wind blew as we continued on, and I saw that each tiny bit of white disappeared as it touched my lanthay and my coverings. Although the dimness had been made much lighter by the falling white, we rode only a short time before stopping in a white-covered clearing. Lines were strung for the lanthay, tents were erected, and those of our party separated to enter their individual shelters. After seeing to my lanthay, I entered Ceralt’s tent to find that the male had already lit the flame-boxes upon the walls, and had also set the black stones to burning. None other save Ceralt was in the tent, and he glanced at me when I had stepped within.

“The coals will soon be ready to cook upon,” he said, poking at the black stones with a rod of metal. “Remove the trappings of a man, and prepare yourself for woman’s work.”

I hesitated no more than a moment, then began removing furs and leather. Though the heat from the black stones had not yet reached all corners of the enlarged tent, the warmth of the shelter made coverings unnecessary after the cold of the open. As I removed all coverings from my body, I made careful note that such coverings were unnecessary, yet the shame I felt was not much lessened. Ceralt wore all leathers and furs save body furs, yet I had been commanded to bare myself. He kept his eyes from me till the last of my leather lay upon the lanthay fur, then he turned from the dying flames to examine me closely.

“Much the better,” he murmured, a faint smile upon his face. “There are few things more beautiful in a man’s eyes than the soft body of his woman. Come closer to me, wench.”

I had no wish to approach him, yet how might I have refused? He put aside the metal rod as I neared, and drew me into his arms.

“You are truly lovely,” he said, looking down into my eyes. “Each fey you grow to be more of a woman and therefore lovelier. I look forward to the time you are all woman.” He then lowered his head and touched his lips to mine, and the scent of him and his leathers brought a dizziness upon me. I was held so gently, so tenderly, and then his lips were gone and soft laughter came from him.

“More than satisfactory,” he murmured, his hands astroke upon my hair. “Go now and fold your clothing and put it to the side, then prepare the meal.”

His arms were removed from about me, yet a faint, pleasant tingling remained in my flesh. I brushed my hair back from my arms, more than aware of the bareness of my body, then went to see to the garments I had removed. Ceralt had turned again to the black stones, and as I knelt beside my coverings and folded them, my eyes strayed to the large male who stood so unconcernedly near. A strange feeling had come upon me as he had held me in his arms, a feeling far from the desire he had ever bred in me, yet somehow also linked with it. I knew not what the feeling meant, yet the thought of it caused me to shiver where I knelt. The shame I had felt at his command to disrobe was gone, replaced with the desire to feel his eyes upon me once again. A Midanna cared little for garments, using only a clan covering upon her womanhood to bespeak her pride in her clan, and never had I cared whether the eyes of males were upon me or not. Now, through some sorcery on Ceralt’s part, I longed to show him my body and feel his approval. What had the male done to me, that I should feel so? I shuddered again, holding firmly to the thought that I was a warrior of Mida, and rose to take my garments to the side of the tent. It would be necessary to resist the doings of the male, yet I knew not which doings should most be resisted. The question would require deep consideration, and I would spend whatever time I might upon it.

Ceralt left the tent briefly, then he and the others returned by the time the provender was prepared. Each male had paused by the entrance to the tent before coming well within, and each had wiped the bottoms of his leg furs so that the snow upon them would not be brought in with their steps. The lanthay fur upon the tent floor was thick, although patches of wetness made walking and sitting uncomfortable. Lialt and Telion had come to inspect the progress of the provender, each also looking upon me with a wide grin, and then they had gone to sit at their ease and pass about a skin of near-renth. They spoke quietly to one another of trails and lanthay and snow, and when the meat had been divided by Ceralt, they accepted their portions with eagerness. I had also roasted fellin tubers to add to the meat, and with the tubers divided among them, I attempted to withdraw to the back of the tent. My middle had been knotting since first I had looked upon the raw and bloody meat to be roasted, yet Ceralt would not leave me be.

“Come and kneel beside me, satya,” he called, gesturing to the fur beside his left leg. I knew not by what name he now called me, yet it made little difference. By any name I was his to command, and the thought turned my body stiff as I knelt beside him. His dagger had cut a piece of the meat I had roasted, and it was this piece which he took between his fingers.

“Eat this,” he directed, holding the piece to my lips, his eyes clearly upon me. I thought then that he was again of a mind to see me fed, yet after the first piece had gone down my throat, no others were forthcoming. He returned without comment to his own feeding, cutting piece after piece, and my empty belly rumbled so loudly that all within the tent must have heard: I glanced at the other males, who seemed completely immersed in the business of swallowing, then licked my lips and looked back toward Ceralt. I could not bring myself to ask to be fed no matter how great my hunger, yet the decision was taken from me. Ceralt raised his eyes to see my face, and a smile grew as he looked at me.

“A thought has come to me,” he said, his smile growing broader as I watched a bite of meat to his mouth. “Earlier, I told you that you must cool my anger before you might be fed, yet it now seems likely that you have no knowledge of how this might be done. I think it best that I instruct you in the method I prefer. ”

I shook my head, wishing none of his instruction, and his smile turned to broad grin and laughter.

“Heed me now, satya,” he chuckled, moving his eating board to the right upon his lap. “Place your cheek there, upon my thigh, and soon, perhaps, we may see you fed.”

In great misery, I lay my face upon him, knowing that shame and humiliation were again to come to me. Ceralt had removed the covering from his broad chest, yet the leather leg covering remained to bring a cool touch to my cheek. I knelt beside him, bent at the waist to lay my face upon his thigh, and his hand came to stroke my hair where it lay against him.

“It is clear that you feel great hunger,” he said, “therefore you must show regret for the actions which caused your punishment. Put your lips to my leg and say, ‘I should not have left you unattended, Ceralt. I ask your forgiveness’.”

He sat silent after these words, awaiting my response, but my response was not immediately forthcoming. Thought of saying such words choked me voiceless, yet Ceralt had not said I might refuse them. Sooner would I have seen my body consume itself in its need, yet I had been commanded to speak. Again I thought of the possibility of being forsworn, although such a shame was beyond my ability to conceive of. I struggled in the silence about me, yet never have I been able to win a struggle with my sense of right. My fist clenched where it lay upon Ceralt’s thigh, and I turned my face so that I might press my lips to his leg.

“I should not have left you unattended,” I whispered, unable to look upon the face of the male. “I ask your forgiveness.”

Surely did I expect great laughter to come from him then, yet no more than his hand came, to caress my hair once more.

“Forgiveness shall ever be yours, satya,” he whispered, putting his lips to my hair. “You have only to ask, and it will gladly be granted you.”

In great surprise, I raised my eyes to his, finding no meaning in his words nor in the look in his eyes. Why had he not laughed at my humiliation, and why had he spoken as he had? And why, in the name of Mida, did I feel none of the humiliation I had thought to feel? The words forced from me had given pleasure to Ceralt, much as though the ache of a wound had been eased, yet a male’s pleasure was ever a warrior’s shame. This was ever so! Why, then, was there no shame within me for having spoken so? I whimpered with the torture of these thoughts, yet Ceralt saw and heard not, for he was busily cutting upon what meat was left.

“Now you may eat in a proper manner,” he said, a lightness having entered his voice. “Sit up where you are and I shall feed you.”

I raised myself erect as I had been and accepted what meat he gave me, yet my mind whirled in confusion as I gazed upon him. I felt the need to question what had occurred between us, yet I also felt a great reluctance to face what answers there might be. I had many times told Ceralt that I might never be his, yet there had been a time when I had wished this might not be so. Now, as I looked upon the dark of his skin, the merriment in his eyes, the joy in his movements, the strength of his body, I knew that this wish had returned to plague me. It could not be, it could never be, yet the Ceralt of old had returned as well, and my desire for him had increased tenfold. To be held by him, to feel the warmth of his lips upon mine, these were sufficient to drive all other thoughts and desires from me, yet I remained, as always, bound to Mida. And Ceralt, himself, was destined to die! Was this the sole manner in which I might be freed from him? Is his coming death in truth your doing, Mida? Have you consigned him to the final ending so that your warrior might continue to move slowly in your service? I spoke so to Mida deep in my heart, yet she continued to withhold all answers from me.

When the last of the provender was within me, Ceralt took me in his arms and held me upon his lap as though I were a child. I had attempted to harden my heart toward the male, knowing that Mida had refused him to me, yet the touch of his hands upon my arms sent all thoughts of hardness flying from me. I wished only to be held by him, yet the sparkle in his eyes gave hint of some definite purpose even before he stroked my side and spoke.

“Satya, there is now another thing I shall teach you,” he said, grinning. “As I have allowed you to satisfy your hunger, you shall show your gratitude by saying, ‘Ceralt, I thank you for having fed me.’ Then you are to raise your lips to mine.”

I squirmed in his grasp, knowing that this time he would find amusement in my words, yet I was unable to refuse. Seeing my agitation he laughed gently and held me closer.

“The words will come more easily when you have said them enough times,” he assured me. “As you shall say them each time you are fed, in a matter of feyd you will no longer hesitate. Come now. Let me hear them.”

“Ceralt, I thank you for having fed me,” I stumbled, feeling my cheeks blaze up at the grin he showed. I lay in his arms, naked and helpless, and this he knew full well.

“An excellent beginning,” he pronounced, his light eyes filled with laughter. “Now offer me your lips.”

Slowly I raised my lips to his, cursing my captivity, yet the strength he showed taking my kiss gave proof to the true nature of my capture. My body had been chained to his, his to do with as he pleased, mine to do only as he allowed. I submerged myself in the glory of his lips, aching deep inside as my need began to grow, yet his lips left mine sooner than I had expected, too soon to build the full blaze of desire.

“It is now time for a woman’s true service to begin,” Ceralt murmured, his eyes lazily upon me. “Telion must leave soon to share the watch of the camp, therefore you are to offer him your use before he departs. Go to him quickly, for time grows short.”

I was then released from Ceralt’s arms and placed upon the lanthay fur before him, there to sit and contain my anger and confusion as best I might. It was Ceralt I desired, not Telion, yet it was Telion to whom I had been sent. My hair lay half beneath my legs, causing a painful pull at my scalp, a thing which gave me no aid with my humor. Ceralt lay at his ease in the lanthay fur, his eyes calm, his face unconcerned, doing no more than awaiting obedience. Once he had said that I must ask to be kept as his alone, yet how might a warrior of Mida speak such words to a male’? It was Mida to whom I belonged, Ceralt being no more than the male who had captured me, no more than temporary possessor of my sworn word. Males knew naught of the ways of Midanna, and this lack would be their downfall.

Angrily taking my eyes from Ceralt, I rose to my feet and looked about the tent. Lialt lay upon the lanthay fur not far from me, as bare-chested as Ceralt, yet his attention had been captured by a leather bound sheaf of white material, a thing containing black strokes which seemed to hold meaning for males. This sheaf lay beneath a flame-within-a-box, the light shed from the box falling upon the black strokes, and Lialt kept his eyes upon them, to all appearances far from the tent in which he lay. Telion stood to the rear of the tent, beside the metal container upon which I had cooked, his arms folded across his broad chest, his eyes held by the glow to be seen beneath the now gray stones. He alone wore all of his leathers, and the distraction of the two males brought me a good deal of annoyance. So usual a thing had my shaming by Ceralt become, that those others within the shelter no longer took note of it.

Telion seemed unaware of my approach to him, and as I halted beside his left arm, I studied the male who called himself warrior. Despite his capture and use by the Hosta, Telion had often shown feelings for warriors unmatched by any males I had heretofore met. He alone had shown no upset at my prowess with weapons, and he alone had kept whatever word he had given to me. It was true that he had joined with Ceralt and others in the capture of the Hosta, yet I had heard him say that he had done what was necessary to possess Larid, she whom he called the wench of his heart. Though I knew not what to make of the male, it often seemed that had all males been as Telion was, warriors might more easily find a point of truce with them. As I stood immersed in thoughts such as these, Telion grew aware of my presence and turned his eyes from the glow to regard me.

“What is it you wish, girl?” he asked, the words soft so as not to give insult. His arms remained folded across his chest, and again I thought that his leg furs gave unneeded additional height to his form. His light eyes continued to regard me as I attempted to recapture the manner in which I had once looked upon males, yet the effort was beyond me. A Midanna’s desire for males would always be with me, yet I had learned to know their unbridled strength and be wary of it.

“Have you come to me merely to stand mutely and stare?” he asked again, amusement entering his tone and eyes. “It is ever a pleasure to look upon you, wench, yet if you have come to speak with me, I would have you do so.”

He stood patiently awaiting what words I would utter, seeing something of the difficulty those words bred within me. Ceralt had commanded that I offer myself to him, and this was the difficulty that I faced. Not that Telion was to have me, but that the having would be by Ceralt’s will and not mine, was what grated upon my pride. Too, the feelings engendered by my lack of clothing underscored the place Ceralt wished me to have: not that of a warrior seeking pleasure of her own, but of a mere female, begging the gift of manhood for her femaleness. My hands came together about my life sign, and my eyes sought the lanthay fur beneath my feet, the better to avoid Telion’s calm gaze. Undoubtedly I would have stood so till I was forsworn, had Telion’s hand not come to my chin to raise my face.

“I believe I know the purpose of your presence,” he murmured, his strong fingers seeing that my eyes looked up to his. “Say the words, satya, and do not count the shame. Soon all sense of shame will be gone from you.”

There was little comfort in such assurance, indeed the thought brought bitter laughter. What other thing than shame might a warrior find among males, even with such males as Telion? I released my life sign and stood somewhat straighter, yet still found the need to look upward toward Telion.

“I have come to ask that I be allowed to serve you,” I forced myself to say, knowing that the choice of words would please Ceralt, and perhaps Telion as well. “Should you wish it, my use is yours.”

Telion continued to hold my face in his hand, and a faint smile touched his lips. “I am able to find no fault with the words,” he murmured, “yet the feelings behind them seem less amenable than they should be. I will, however, respond only to the words, for a man without his woman is a man in great need.”

Telion released my face then, and busied his hands with removing his swordbelt and breech. I stood quietly before him, nearly resigned to my lot while I dwelt among males, and was somewhat startled when his arms drew me to his chest rather than immediately putting me to my back.

“You are indeed a lovely morsel,” he said, touching his lips lightly to mine. “But for the shining black, your hair is much the same as Larid’s. I find much joy in your hair and hers. As I am unable to have her beside me, I thank the Serene Oneness that it is you who warms her place. She, too, I know, would be grateful.”

He took a deeper kiss then, and one so full of desire that my head turned with dizziness. Telion was truly a male fit for warriors, and was deep within me even before I had realized that he had lowered me to the fur. The pleasure he gave was intense but brief, for his name was called from without the tent when he had barely begun, and he made haste to satisfy his need before leaving me. With the spilling of his seed, his lips came to mine again, and then to my ear.

“There is no shame in giving a man pleasure,” he whispered rapidly, the smell of him strong in my nostrils. “It is a woman’s purpose, along with the bearing of his children. Learn this well, satya, and take joy in the joy you give others.”

Again he kissed me, and then he was gone, to replace breech and swordbelt, hurriedly don body furs, and at last depart the tent. I shivered somewhat from the rush of cold air his departure brought, and moved uncomfortably in the furs where he had left me. Telion’s desire had been seen to, yet mine growled hungry within me, aroused and scarcely touched. There was little joy to be found in such brevity of use, and I twisted about in the furs, commanding my hips to be still, finding myself disregarded by my own body. The lanthay fur was warm and soft, and I stretched wide upon it, my arms above my head, my body twisted to one side, the toes of my feet pointed, yet the heat refused to leave me. I raised my head to search for Ceralt, thinking to use his body to satisfy mine, and found Lialt’s eyes upon me instead. The male seemed interested in my movement in the fur, and a sudden heaviness within me brought to mind the sure knowledge that Lialt, too, must be served before Ceralt would have me. I turned to my belly and put my cheek to the fur, feeling the same impatience with Lialt that I had always felt, yet unable to move my gaze from where he held it. Lialt, a male, smiled with sudden amusement, and my cheeks grew red as the knowledge which had come to him also visited itself upon me.

“I see she is capable of learning,” Lialt laughed, and I knew he spoke to Ceralt. “See how she tries to hide her body, brother. She has learned that she must serve me if I desire her, and therefore seeks to hide herself from my eyes.”

“I have always known her capable of learning,” Ceralt chuckled beyond my sight as I twisted about in humiliation. “And now the thought comes that she may be taught other things of value upon this journey. I would much enjoy seeing her taught to read, Lialt, and perhaps your efforts would prove to be more fruitful than mine.”

“The thing is not difficult,” Lialt pronounced, looking at me thoughtfully as I stretched my head about to gaze at Ceralt in protest. I had no desire for this thing called “read,” yet Ceralt’s face seemed set and determined. Once before I had been forced to such foolishness, and the experience had not been pleasant.

“Reluctant students are often the best when finally reached,” Lialt said, seeing my lack of desire. “Come and see this, Jalav, and tell me if it holds meaning for you.”

Ceralt gestured briefly that I was to obey Lialt, and once again my fate was sealed. With a deep and weary sigh, I rose from the furs and went to where Lialt lay, seeing that he had moved the sheaf with black strokes so that I might look upon it. The strokes held as little meaning as ever, and knowing full well that I had once been beaten for the utterance said, “The foolishness holds no meaning for any with wit. Males alone find meaning where there is none.”

Lialt glanced up at me where I stood, and rather than show the anger I had expected, his eyes were filled with a patience I had not before seen.

“All things have meaning,” Lialt said, touching the black strokes gently as he gazed upon them. “In order to learn the meaning of things, one must first learn that there is, indeed, a meaning to be learned. Kneel before the book, wench, and we will begin by teaching you the names and sounds of each of these letters. ”

Lialt waited until I had knelt where he had indicated, then he sat himself straight beside me to point at various strokes and make odd noises. My repeating these noises seemed to satisfy the male, yet the process went on and on, finding no end. My body’s needs had not diminished, and all too soon I found that the nearness of Lialt had indeed increased them to the point where I was barely able to kneel without writhing. Lialt’s eyes remained upon the sheaf of strokes, therefore I turned my head to see what Ceralt was about. Had he asked it then, I would surely have begged my use without hesitation.

“You will not find the letters there,” Lialt’s voice came just as I had noted Ceralt’s dozing form. “What is it you wish from my brother?”

I returned my gaze to Lialt and found again that similarity to Ceralt was not as Ceralt himself. Lialt narrowed his eyes as he inspected my face, and then some understanding came upon him. He raised the palm of his hand to rub gently at my breast, and smiled at the gasp that was torn from me.

“Are you that badly in need?” he murmured, setting my body aflame with the touch of his hand. “I had thought Telion’s use too brief to see to you, and now you prove the thought true. Widen your thighs.”

I did as he bid, unable to refuse, knowing that I would sooner have his use than no use at all, shamed by the feeling but unable to deny it. Lialt was male and I had need of a male, yet satisfaction was not soon to be mine. Lialt touched me lightly, seeking and finding the flow of moisture from my body, and then his hand was gone.

“When you have learned the names and sounds of three letters, I will use you,” he informed me, a grin strong upon his face. “Until then, the lesson will continue, and should your attention flag I will increase it.”

He returned then to the strokes and their calling, and I moaned where I knelt, knowing full well that Lialt might easily have me writhing should it suit him, for he was male and I was chained by my need. A desperation had entered me, centering about his promised use, forcing my attention to the strokes he pointed to, yet I feared that all effort would be useless. Again and again I sought meaning in the meaningless, and when the strength of my seeking grew fainter than it had been, Lialt’s hand between my thighs renewed the desperation and the effort. At last, most likely through the intervention of Mida, some small similarity for certain of the strokes appeared to my eye, and Lialt pronounced himself satisfied with my learning. Weakly, nearly sobbing, I was taken in Lialt’s arms, and my hunger was such that Lialt was long in the seeing to it. Ceralt was again awake when Lialt left me, and I was sent to his furs as he saw to the flames within the boxes. I knew not where I would find the strength to serve Ceralt’s needs, yet the question was seen to of itself. Ceralt had the strength to tend his own needs, and my body, as always, was his to command. Ceralt commanded, I obeyed, and sleep was long in coming.