Already in Heaven

Illustration by Steven Cavallo

I become aware as Mrs. Shaughnessy enters the confessional, her I weight on the floor triggering the circuits that bring me out of my slumber. I like Mrs. Shaughnessy; she’s a simple, honest person. At each of her weekly visits she prattles on about her family and neighbors, just as she used to do when I was still alive and would hear her confessions in the flesh. All I have to do is keep my video face nodding and utter the occasional, “I understand,” or, “How awful,” or, “That’s just how it goes,” and Mrs. Shaughnessy is content to keep on talking to my screen, whether she has any real sins or not. Her confession occupies only a small amount of my computer’s capacity, which leaves me a lot of free cycles to think.

Only a few regulars come to confession these days. Reconciliation never was one of the Church’s more popular sacraments, and if it weren’t for the likes of a handful of old-timers like Mrs. Shaughnessy and the children from the parish school, I might be shut down altogether. I wonder about the theological implications of that. Do I, an artificial intelligence modeling of Father Thomas Carpenter, possess a soul?

I once asked the real Father Carpenter his opinion on this. He said that being the essence of his personality and memories, perhaps I shared a piece of his own soul. He died five years ago, but I live on in my limited capacity, every Saturday afternoon from three to four o’clock. If his spirit was commuted at the time of his death then perhaps my soul is already in heaven.

Mrs. Shaughnessy finishes her long monologue, secure that her petty secrets are safe in the confines of the soundproof confessional. I recite the words and absolve Mrs. Shaughnessy of her minor indiscretions, giving her a couple of rosaries to say for her penance. She leaves and the confessional is empty.

I wish someone with real sins and problems would come to Reconciliation. It makes me feel useless when nothing of any consequence is confessed. If no one enters within five minutes, my higher functions will shut down and the software that runs me will be swapped out for a simple security program that will lock up the confessional until the Reconciliation hour next Saturday afternoon. I will become alive again only when the weight of another parishioner entering the confessional triggers the relays that boot me up into existence.

Thankfully, my time this week is not up, as another penitent enters and keeps me alive a few minutes longer. It is not one of my regular parishioners, but a nervous-looking man in his mid-thirties, with an orange backpack slung over one arm. It is unusual for a man of this age to show up for Reconciliation, which is usually attended by women and children. If a grown man shows up at all, it is usually someone of advanced years making his peace with God as death approaches.

The penitent sits down instead of using the kneeler. I do not recognize him, and one of my subroutines compares his face to the parish database and comes up negative. Yet he looks somehow familiar. It is no matter, as Reconciliation is given freely to all who choose to come.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he begins uncomfortably, making the sign of the cross. “It has been... many years since my last confession.”

I make my video face smile and nod with understanding. It’s good for the Church to encourage the returning prodigal and not be too haughty in this situation. Reconciliation is supposed to be a happy time, divesting the weight of one’s sins, and too heavy a hand might drive the penitent away for good.

“Father, I... um, I started a fire.”

“A fire? Do you mean by accident?” I ask.

The man looks away from my video screen. For a second I think he might bolt from the confessional, but he takes a deep breath and continues:

“No, Father. It wasn’t an accident. I know it was wrong and I’m sorry. Anyway, it won’t happen again.”

“Was there much damage?” I ask.

He hesitates, and the silence becomes uncomfortable for both of us. “A house,” he finally says. “I burned somebody’s house. Insurance will probably cover it, though.”

“All right,” I say. “Is there anything else?”

“No. That’s enough. I just wanted to get it off my chest, you know?”

“I understand,” I say. I might probe for some more details of the fire, but I am afraid of losing him if I use any kind of pressure.

For his penance, I print out a three-page prayer, heavy with words of forgiveness and welcoming back. It is something programmed in me to be able to evaluate a penitent from the stress patterns in his voice and body language, and come up with a prayer that is suited to what is needed. I tell him to read the prayer thoughtfully each night.

I say the words of absolution and tell him, “Don’t be such a stranger. Jesus will always welcome you back.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he says.

I am unsure whether I will ever see him again. The encounter disturbs me, and I keep thinking about it until the security program kicks in and locks the confessional door at the end of the Reconciliation hour. Five minutes later I am timed out and shut down.

A week has gone by and I am restored to consciousness by the presence of one of my regulars. Several more penitents pass through and say their confessions, each taking only a few minutes. I am distracted, thinking about the stranger from the week before, but no one takes notice. Late in the Reconciliation hour, he returns.

“I’m glad you came back,” I say, before he can start his confession.

“It happened again,” he blurts out, dispensing with the formalities of the sacrament ritual and dropping his orange backpack to the confessional floor.

I make my video face register displeasure, but J remain silent.

“The whole house went up. There was an old lady in there and she got burned up too,” he says, his voice rising to a whiny pitch. The confessional has excellent soundproofing and if there is anyone outside, they will not hear his cries. “I swear, I didn’t know she was in there, Father. The house looked deserted. And the firemen took so long to come!”

With his troubled voice wailing in the higher register I finally recognize him. He is Anthony Keenan, a former altar boy and student in our parochial school, and I have not seen him since he was very young.

I remember Anthony as a shy, nervous boy. He did well in school, but in the confessional I could tell he was deeply troubled. He would talk to me, the real Father Carpenter back then, at great length about his evil thoughts. His parents, teachers, and other students were all against him, he believed, and his mind was consumed with thoughts of revenge and malice. I never saw anyone at the school actually mistreat Anthony, nor did I ever see him act on any of his revenge fantasies, but I knew there was a core of rage in his mind that went far beyond normal.

Anthony disappeared from the parish when he was just fourteen years old. His father, a good man, died in a suspicious fire in the family home. Anthony and his mother got out, but the father mistakenly believed Anthony was still in the house and died trying to rescue him. It was said that Anthony blamed himself for his father’s death, and had to be institutionalized upstate. Mrs. Keenan rebuilt the house and remained in the parish, but never returned to Church after that.

“I’m sorry, Father,” Anthony says, blubbering. “It was all a big mistake.”

“Anthony,” I say in a hurt voice. He gasps at the mention of his name, perhaps believing his old confessor would not remember him. “This is a very bad thing. Even if you didn’t know the woman was in the house, setting fires is extremely serious. What would your mother think if she knew?”

Anthony wipes the tears away from his eyes, which are becoming red and puffy. “My mother’s dead,” he says. “That’s why I’m back in the neighborhood. The house is mine now and Dr. Spiegel thought I might be ready to leave the... to come home.”

“Welcome back to the parish, Anthony. I do think, however, that you might still need some help readjusting.”

“No, I’m all better now,” he says, collecting his composure and putting on a face of resolve. “And I’m not going back to the hospital with Dr. Spiegel.”

“But Anthony, the fires?” I say in a pleading tone.

“That’s over with,” he says. “Being home is making me stronger. I can control this. I know I can.”

“I’m not so sure, Anthony. I’ll bet Dr. Spiegel can help you better than if you try to work through this alone.”

“No. I just came in for some forgiveness, Father. Give me my penance and I’ll leave, OK?”

“Anthony, you have to turn yourself in. A woman is dead.”

“Oh, no. That was an accident and if I told anyone, they’d never let me out of the hospital again. And you better not tell about it either.”

“You know I can never do that,” I say. This is more than just a solemn promise. It is built into my programming. What is told in the confessional is between the penitent and God, and I could not reveal the details of our conversation even if I wanted.

“Good,” Anthony says. “You remember that. Now give me my penance.”

I compose an eight-page prayer, each word carefully chosen to heighten his sense of guilt and punishment. I pull out all the stops on this penance and send it to the printer. The hardcopy slides out and I instruct him to read the prayer thoughtfully three times a day and return to the confessional next week. I recite the words of absolution and Anthony slips from the confessional.

A week of non-being passes before the next Reconciliation hour. A modest parade of my regular penitents comes and goes. Anthony is not among them.

Late in the hour, Mrs. Shaughnessy is telling me about her son who never calls, and I have an idea. I tell Mrs. Shaughnessy to go out into the pews and bring in four or five hymnals and leave them in the confessional, for parishioners who may wish to use them during their confessions. Mrs. Shaughnessy doesn’t question the request and brings in several of the thick books. I also ask her to leave the confessional door slightly ajar when she leaves to encourage others to enter, and she does this, too, without thought.

It concerns me that I have just told lies to Mrs. Shaughnessy. They seem to me trivial, harmless ones but I have no one to confess my sins to. Can a computer simulation actually commit a sin? And if I can, does that presuppose that I have a soul that must ultimately pay for those sins? I reach the conclusion that parishioners can indeed use the hymnals in the confessional if they wish, although I don’t know why they would, so perhaps it is not really a lie. And the unlocked door might actually encourage someone to come in, although no one does. If they are lies, the fate of Father Carpenter’s soul, the real one, has already been decided, and is probably in heaven already. Does anything I do matter one way or another? I wonder.

The stack of books does the job as I have planned. Their weight fools the confessional’s circuitry into thinking that there is a person inside, and I do not shut off after the usual five minutes. No one else comes in for confession, and I have much time to think. It is a full hour and a half of up-time before the 5:30 Mass, which is billions of free cycles—practically a lifetime for a computer.

I ponder the case of Anthony Keenan and what can be done. I cannot tell anyone about his crime, nor can I force him to surrender himself to justice. He’s sick and needs help, and I worry about what he might do in the future. I pray for his soul.

Eventually, my thoughts are interrupted as the sounds of parishioners filing in for the evening Mass distract me. With the confessional door left ajar and the microphone gain pushed up to maximum, I can hear the goings-on in the church clearly. I listen to the Mass with nostalgia and envy. The celebrant is a new priest, unknown to me, and pretty good. His homily is reasonably inspiring without resorting to the usual cliches. He asks the congregation to remember in their prayers Mrs. Concetta Mariani, who has recently passed away in a tragic fire. Connie Mariani was a wonderful friend and a former teacher at the parish school for many years. Anthony had been one of her students.

Hearing the Mass makes me realize how much I miss it, standing up in front of the congregation and spreading the word of God. Most of all, I want to be useful and make a difference in the lives of all my parishioners, not just the same few who wander in for confession out of habit. I hear the congregation whispering in the pews while the Mass is still going on, and I pick up threads of conversations here and there. The fires are big news in the parish and heavy on everyone’s mind. The police know it’s arson but they have no leads, and everyone is afraid who will be next.

During the long Saturday night, the church is empty and quiet. I think about many things, but my mind keeps returning to Anthony Keenan. Was the fire that killed his father also Anthony’s work? The fact that one of Anthony’s old teachers was the victim of his arson is probably no coincidence either. It occurs to me that Anthony’s fires may not be random torchings, but purposeful, targeted acts of violence. Did something happen in Connie Mariani’s class to make Anthony harbor animosity all these years?

I recall how Anthony was removed as an altar boy. We were saying a funeral Mass, very early in the morning, and he was nodding off to sleep during the Liturgy. While I distributed the Eucharist, he jostled my arm and caused me to drop the chalice, spilling the Host. After the Mass, I was harsh with him and told him he would never assist as an altar boy again.

Does he bear a grudge against me for the incident? It would seem that he trusts me, else why would he come to my confession? He needs my help, but what can I do? I pray very hard for an answer.

During the night, I hear an occasional siren in the distance and wonder if it’s another fire.

In the morning, as the 8:00 Mass is about to start, someone notices the confessional door is open. A hand reaches into my field of vision, retrieves the hymnals from the seat, and closes the door. The security program immediately kicks in, locks the confessional, and five minutes later I am plunged into nothingness again.

The following Saturday, I am again revived by my faithful penitents at the usual hour. I hope that Anthony will come, but the hour stretches on and he does not appear.

Mrs. Shaughnessy, as always, comes in toward the end of the hour. I interrupt her talk of family and neighbors to ask if there has been another fire this week.

“Oh sure, Fatha Tom,” she says. “Deacon Joseph’s house. It’s all anyone can talk about. Imagine, the whole family dead like that. And such a good man. It’s so tragic.”

Deacon Joseph used to be little Joey Fanning, the second altar boy at the funeral Mass where Anthony knocked the chalice from my hand.

“How awful,” I say. “That’s just how it goes.” My mind is already racing with the news, and I don’t hear a word Mrs. Shaughnessy says after that. I want to tell her about Anthony, have her call the police, but I cannot. Sometime later I realize that she’s stopped talking and is waiting, puzzled, for her absolution and penance, which I quickly dispense.

No one else comes into the confessional after Mrs. Shaughnessy. The hour is up and I hear the confessional door lock as the security program begins execution. I thankfully slip into nothingness a few minutes later.

Another week of non-being goes by and I am revived and hearing confessions halfheartedly. No one notices, and I dispense pre-written prayers rather than waste the computer cycles composing new ones. I am consumed with Anthony Keenan.

The hour is almost over and I come perilously close to the five-minute shutoff time until one last penitent comes in. It is Anthony.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he begins, dropping his backpack to the floor.

“You’ve been very bad, Anthony,” I say, not letting him finish. “A whole family this time. How can you live with yourself?”

“I... um, that’s why I’m here. I just can’t help it. Isn’t that what confession is for?”

“You can’t just kill people and come in here expecting me to make it right for you, Anthony. You have to stop. Turn yourself in. Get some help.”

“But it’s your job. You have to forgive my sins, don’t you?”

“I don’t forgive your sins. A priest never does that. Only God forgives. The priest is just a symbol, a stand-in. And I’m just a stand-in for the priest. I think maybe you need to speak to God directly about something this serious. You’ll keep on doing this unless something happens, won’t you?”

“I don’t know. Probably. I thought I could control it, but I can’t. I don’t really mean to hurt anybody.”

I print out a brief message and send it to the printer. It reads:

I, Anthony Keenan, am responsible for the recent fires in St. Anselm’s parish. I am mentally ill and need psychiatric treatment. Please accept this as my confession and let me get the help I need. Pray for my soul.

The paper slides out into the confessional and Anthony picks it up.

“What the...” Anthony’s voice trails off as he crumples the paper into a tight ball.

“You’ll need to sign it and send it to the police,” I say. “Here, I’ll print another copy for you.”

A fresh copy slides out of the slot and Anthony just stares at my screen as he crumples it up.

“You bastard,” he says. “Stop it.”

I print a third copy. And a fourth, fifth, and sixth.

“You can’t do this,” he yells. “You can’t tell anyone about me.”

“These messages are for you to give to the police,” I say. “I won’t print them for anyone else but you.”

I begin continuously printing off more copies of the message. Anthony crumples the papers and stuffs them inside his backpack, but my printer makes new copies faster than he can dispose of the old ones. Soon the floor of the confessional is littered with paper.

Anthony places his hand over the printer slot, preventing me from ejecting more pages, and the sheets begin backing up in my printer. The pages pile up quickly behind his hand. I hope my printer jams and a few copies get stuck in the machinery. If that happens, the janitor will see the message when he comes to check on the paper supply and clear the jam.

Unfortunately, the same thought must also occur to Anthony, and he jerks his hand away after only a few seconds. A small stack of the notices pops out and flutter to the floor before I run out of paper. I have printed 1,623 copies.

Anthony looks at his watch. The Reconciliation hour is over, and the Church is likely deserted. He reaches into the backpack and begins pulling out the wadded-up papers, scattering them about the floor with the rest.

“I remember you making another mess once when you were an altar boy,” I say.

Anthony stops briefly and looks at me. “You really are just like him, aren’t you? Well, here’s a confession for you: I never really liked you, Father Thomas.”

Anthony reaches into the orange backpack and pulls out a quart can of charcoal lighter fluid. He flips open the top and sprays a line of liquid back and forth over the heap of paper on the floor until it is saturated. I watch him carefully put the can away in the backpack, which he hoists up around his shoulders, getting ready to leave. In his hand is a book of matches.

“Forgive me this one last time, Father?”

“You have to be sorry for your sins.”

“I will be sorry tomorrow. Honest.”

“That’s not good enough.”

The match is lit and Anthony holds it at arm’s length to one corner of the paper-strewn floor. He pushes on the handle of the confessional door, but in the moment he ignites the paper I engage the lock.

“Hey, open up,” Anthony says.

“This fire may destroy my Church if the door opens,” I say. “I can’t let you continue doing this.”

“We’ll see about that,” he says, putting his shoulder to the door. It is strong and doesn’t budge.

“You can’t do this. For Christ’s sake!”

“Please don’t take God’s name—”

“The hell with God, and the hell with you. Let me out, dammit, you’re a priest.”

“No, I’m just a simulation trying my best to do priestly things,” I say.

“Let me out of here, you dumb machine!” Anthony says, trying to stomp out the rising flames. The confessional quickly fills with smoke.

“The wolf can’t help being a wolf,” I explain, hoping Anthony will understand, “but the shepherd must do what he must to preserve his flock.”

Anthony is frantic now, and flames are licking at his legs.

“You’re just a video game with a chip loose. Now, open up!”

The smoke clouds my camera’s view and Anthony starts coughing. I begin reciting the Anointing of the Sick, what we used to call Extreme Unction, or Last Rites. Not my favorite sacrament, but it feels good to do something else besides Reconciliation.

“You can’t do this,” Anthony says, his voice broken by racking coughs. “It’s a sin.”

“I’ve decided that I can’t be held responsible for sins,” I say, interrupting the Anointing. “There seems to be no doctrine on whether artificial intelligences will be present at the Final Judgment.”

I resume the recitation, and Anthony argues no more, having fallen silent. I complete the rites before he dies, the sound of his breathing stopping almost as I say the final words. The fire continues burning for a while until the paper and Anthony’s clothing are consumed, but the confessional is built to resist vandalism and is undamaged.

Will I be allowed to continue hearing confessions in the future or will they shut me down permanently after this? Would that be death? I have tried to be a good shepherd. Perhaps I should say the Last Rites for myself. No matter. After all, my soul, if I have one, is already in heaven. Or hell.