Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

CHAPTER 9

“Mechanicsburg: A thousand years old and crazy to the bone.”

—Graffiti originally discovered on the Tower of the Doom Bell and subsequently adopted as an unofficial town motto.

Gilgamesh strode back to the main room of the medical lab, von Zinzer at his heels.

Von Zinzer was shaking his head. “…and it doesn’t bother you at all that her house even has all those big iron cages?”

“Why should it?” Gil asked. “This way, even if Zola and Tiktoffen wake up, they’ll be completely out of the way while we work—”

They froze in the doorway. Agatha stood in the center of the room with her back to them. She had found an old split-tail lab coat, gloves, and a pair goggles that sported an array of dials and special lenses. The lab coat had evidently seen some use—both arms appeared to have been burnt away to the shoulders. The machines that had been scattered about the room had been collected, partially disassembled, and hooked together into a huge installation centered around two heavy, ironbound medical tables. Pipes, cords, and machinery wound around everything, and alarmingly colored substances bubbled through twisted glass tubes. Little helper clanks like the ones Agatha had left infesting his labs back on Castle Wulfenbach scrambled everywhere.

Tarvek was strapped to the left hand table, his skin a softly glowing teal. A complex helmet covered with lights and meters hid most of his head, with only his mouth showing.

Violetta was dangling overhead, her knees thrown over an exposed beam. As she connected a final cable, the entire bank of machinery shuddered to life. More lights began to glow. Agatha checked a dial and then nodded. Violetta dropped, spun elegantly in midair, and landed lightly on her feet.

Agatha turned and saw Gil and von Zinzer. Her face lit up. “Ha! There you are!” She sounded delighted, energized, and terrifying, all at once. Gil felt his heart rise in his chest and try to soar away. She was glorious—an angel of creation. He had known she was a strong Spark, but here she was, practically crackling with power. And the way she had rearranged everything while he was gone was nothing short of miraculous.⁸⁰

“Get on the slab.” She pointed to the empty table. “I want to get to work!” The harmonics in her voice sent thrills down his spine, and Gil just stood where he was, awestruck.

Von Zinzer gave him a sharp poke in the small of the back. “Spooky girl’s all yours, pal.”

Gil pulled himself together. Agatha took his arm and drew him forward. He examined the machinery, and felt a little disappointed. “Is there even anything left for me to do?” he asked.

“Sure! Lots! Don’t worry,” Agatha told him. “But we need to move quickly…and you were right! There’s tons of great stuff here, if you’re willing to try non-traditional methods!”

“I helped! I made some suggestions, too!” chimed the Castle.

“Oh. Good.” Gil wondered what kind of suggestions the Castle would think up. Best not to dwell on it…he stopped to check the instruments attached to Tarvek.

“I see, yes, he’s getting worse,” Gil told Agatha. “We’ll have to start the Si Vales right away and work on the rest as we go.”

“Well, you didn’t want it to be boring,” she reminded him.

Gil turned to the empty table. “Strap me in, then.”

Agatha began the process of connecting him with the rest of the array, and Gil couldn’t help himself. He began to fuss. “Um…did you connect all the feedback switches?” he asked her.

“All except the cardiac sequence.”

“Ah. Yes. Good. Er…did you key the pump sequence to stutter?”

Agatha swung a control panel around to show him. “Two-two on the cranium. Three-seven on the extremities. Four-five on the torso.”

Gil nodded reluctantly. “Right. Perfect.” A set of arms equipped with large steel needles swung down and positioned themselves above his arms. Large glass bottles rotated into position.

“Ah! The whole brass infusion thing! How did you solve—” Agatha placed a gloved finger across his lips.

“Gil. You’re going to have to trust me.”

Gil nodded. “Well, of course. But I am letting you strap me into a refurbished pile of torture machine parts and then mix me up with a guy who’s full of virulent pathogens and no brains. So, of course I’ll want to be extra careful about the variables that I know could kill me.”

Agatha smiled sweetly and bent toward him. She touched her nose to his.

“Very wise. But I am not going to let you die,” she said. She then reconsidered this statement. “…Or at least…If I do, not for very long. Now—good luck.”

“What?”

And then she kissed him. It was a light, unsatisfying brush of her lips against his.

“Don’t worry, that wasn’t for good-bye,” Agatha said matter-of-factly. She lowered the apparatus over Gil’s face. A thought surfaced in his brain.

“Hey!” he called to Agatha. “Did you kiss him too?”

“Don’t you worry about that,” she said, ensuring that Gil would worry about it quite a bit.

When von Zinzer and Violetta had scrambled to their stations, Agatha took a deep breath and threw the first switch. “Gil,” she called, “Give me a count back from…from eighty-three!”

Gil began: “Eighty-three. Eighty-two…”

“Violetta,” Agatha called. “Start the bellows!”

With a grunt, Violetta threw her weight onto a leather strap and began pulling on an accordion-like mechanism that towered over her. She released it and it pulled back up. She pulled it down again, and then, with a cough, it began moving on its own, sending great waves of air through several large pipes.

“Seventy-nine…”

“Von Zinzer! Get the resonance accelerators up to speed!”

With a grimace, von Zinzer stooped and began to turn the great crank. “I hate this stuff. Hate it, hate it, hate it…” He chanted through gritted teeth, in perfect time with his movements.

“Seventy-seven…”

Agatha raised her hand to a massive knife-switch and addressed Gil. “Okay. This’ll probably hurt a little,” she said.

“It’ll hurt a lot!” Gil corrected her, still counting. “Seventy-five…”

Agatha threw the switch. Gil screamed as he was wreathed in a glittering web of electricity.

“Gil! Keep counting!” Agatha shouted.

He kept going: “S…seventy-three…”

The electricity now enveloped Tarvek, who simply spasmed once and then went limp.

“Seventy…”

A high-pitched ululation filled the air as a pressure-relief valve burst open, jetting steam into the air. The generators began shuddering as the pitch of their whine continued to cycle upwards.

“Tarvek’s reading are going crazy,” Violetta called out nervously. “They’re jumping all over the place!”

“Good,” Agatha called back. She wrenched open a shunt, and a container of boiling red liquid drained away into a set of glass pipes that sent it flowing through the system.

“Sixty-seven…”

“Wulfenbach’s readings are crashing,” von Zinzer yelled. “Everything is in the red! We should hit the cutoff!”

“NO!” Agatha shouted back. She was hunched over the control board, her thick gloves smoking whenever they touched one of the crackling controls. “This must work! Increase power!”

Von Zinzer stared at her. “Increase—No! Are you crazy?” He thought a moment and began throwing switches one by one. “Oh wait, of course you are,” he grumbled.

“Sixty-three…”

Violetta paused.

“Sixty-two…”

The voice… it wasn’t coming from Wulfenbach…

“Sixty-one…”

Or rather, it wasn’t coming from just Wulfenbach.

“Sixty…”

With a shudder, Violetta realized that the countdown was coming from both Gil and Tarvek simultaneously.

“Fifty…nine…”

Violetta now saw Gil’s skin shift to a royal blue. “Lady Heterodyne!”

The lightning crackled around the two prone men as they changed from blue to purple. “Yes!” Agatha pounded her fist upon the board in triumph. “Yes! They’re in synch!”

A tug at an overhead chain, and a pair of enormous glass globes encrusted with tubes and cables dropped down, their apertures pointed directly at the hearts of the two men on the tables below them. A light began to glow within them.

“Fifty-seven…”

“Cover your eyes!” Agatha pulled down her goggles and grabbed a large red switch. “I’m releasing the lightning!” With a shriek of exultation she slammed the switch home. Everywhere the lights dimmed and—

A small spark cracked briefly at the end of the tube nearest Gil and Tarvek’s chests.

“Fifty-Five…”

Von Zinzer looked surprised. “Huh. I expected a bit more… kaboom.”

“Oh dear,” the Castle said.

“No!” Agatha screamed. “NO!” She stared upwards. “What’s happened? Where is my lightning?”

“Ah…This is very embarrassing,” the Castle answered. “I do not know.”

“You don’t know?” All around them, the machinery was beginning to wind down. Some smoothly, some to the accompaniment of small internal explosions and the smell of burnt insulation.

“I will attempt to execute a quick Dio-Gnostic routine,” the Castle said. Its voice sounded detached—as though they were hearing some mechanically prerecorded message. “In the meantime, please enjoy this musical selection: Divertimento for String and Garrucha.” There followed what Agatha guessed to be the melodic sounds of cats being swung from the Castle walls by violin strings.

“What? No!” she howled, tearing off her goggles. “I’m talking to you!” Von Zinzer put a hand on her shoulder. “Forget it,” he advised her. “It’s locked up until it finishes whatever it is that it’s doing.”

“It does this a lot?” Agatha roared. “How long does it take?”

Von Zinzer shrugged. “Dunno. You should ask Professor Tiktoffen. I do know that it’s been happening more and more lately.” He listened to the music with a critical ear. “This one probably won’t take too long. Now, if you’d gotten an opera…”

“NO!” Agatha stalked away and stared at the gently smoking slabs. “We haven’t got time! Gil and Tarvek are fully integrated!” She threw a switch and the machinery covering the young men’s faces retracted. Gil was unconscious. “It wasn’t supposed to last this long! The strain on Gil’s system will be enormous!”

“Don’t panic,” Tarvek said. Agatha gasped and turned. From his slab, he looked back at her with the clear, intelligent expression she remembered from Sturmhalten. “We’re actually doing fairly well.” He glanced about at the clamps holding him down. “After all, I’d expect Gil to mess things up. On the other hand, much to my surprise, my brain doesn’t appear to be inside an otter, so I suppose I can’t really complain.”

Agatha set his glasses on his nose and mussed his hair affectionately. “Listen to you. You sound like Gil.” She smiled. He frowned.

Agatha continued. “Well, good. That means there’s still a chance this can work.”

“Agatha—” Tarvek began, but she cut him off.

“Shh. You sit tight. I’ve got to have a look at the lightning generators.” She tapped the tip of his nose with one finger and moved off.

After a minute, von Zinzer and Violetta wandered over to stand by him.

“So…sounds risky. What do you think? Should I disconnect you?” Violetta asked.

“No!” Tarvek said. “At this stage it would kill me!”

“Weren’t you listening?” Von Zinzer asked. “It’d kill both of them.”

“Yeah?” Violetta didn’t seem too worried. “Well, I guess it would be kind of a shame about Mister Gil, there.”

Tarvek tried to sit up and only slammed his head against the restraints. “Good Lord. She hooked me up with him? What did she do? Knock him on the head?”

Von Zinzer frowned. “It was his idea.”

Tarvek blinked.

Violetta nodded. “Yeah. He insisted. That’s when we knew he was crazy.”

Tarvek looked appalled. “But…but that makes no sense. He hates me! He’s always hated me!”

Violetta shrugged. “Hey, I didn’t say he was smart.”

“And…and what’s he even doing here, anyway? The Baron’s son was the one who entered…” Tarvek’s eyes went wide with shock. He stared at the ceiling for a moment; then his head sagged back against the slab. He shut his eyes and winced as if he were in pain.

“Oh. Of course. He’s really Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, isn’t he?”

Violetta clapped her hands to her cheeks and squealed. “Oh, wow! She’s right! This thing really is working! You already sound smarter!”

Tarvek glared at her. “You knew?”

The real venom in his eyes caused Violetta to step back. “Well… yeah.” She glanced at von Zinzer uncertainly. “Who was I supposed to think he was?”

“Gilgamesh Holzfäller! A conniving, backstabbing, amoral weasel, that’s who! I can’t believe he tricked me again!”

“Oh, yeah. I remember. You knew him in Paris.”

“Paris? He’s the one who got me sent home from Castle Wulfenbach!”

Violetta rolled her eyes. “Tarvek, they found you in one of the Baron’s top-secret security vaults. You were caught red-handed.”

“Yes, and who do you think got me in there? When I was first sent to Castle Wulfenbach, Gil was already there. He was a total nobody. He had no family. No friends. No nothing. The people on the Castle ignored him, when they weren’t bullying him.

“Well, I thought he might be useful. He seemed pathetically grateful for any kindness, and one can always use people like that…I thought I’d make him my lackey. But he was brilliant—and he was always coming up with really fun ideas.”

Tarvek made a disgusted sound. “I actually liked him. I thought we were good friends.” He glanced at von Zinzer. “I’d never really had any of those, before.”

He continued. “And then, one day he told me that he had found out where the Baron kept the family records for all of the students aboard Castle Wulfenbach—”

Violetta interrupted. “Whoa. Hold on. You’re telling me that you knew this guy by name on Castle Wulfenbach, and it never occurred to you that this guy, with the same name, might be the mystery son the Baron had been hiding all these years?” She smacked him on the side of the head. “Idiot!”

Tarvek flinched. “No! Well, yes, okay, I am an idiot; I’ll give you that. But…We broke into the vault. We found Gil’s family records.”

Tarvek sighed. “You have to understand. On Castle Wulfenbach… in the schoolroom…lineage was a big deal to us. It was one of the major things we students used to torment each other.

“Gil was at the bottom of the pecking order because nobody knew who his people were. The other kids thought he was just ashamed, but he honestly didn’t know anything.

“We figured out how to crack the security on the vault. He was desperate to get in and search. Not knowing was terrible for him. He had all kinds of wild ideas about what we’d find: that he’d turn out to be a lost Heterodyne, or—heh—the Storm King, or a…a Martian Prince or something. Anything.”

Tarvek slumped and was silent for a moment. “I was secretly hoping we’d turn out to be related.”

More silence.

When he continued, he spoke slowly. “Unfortunately, that was not what we found. The records showed that Gil’s father had indeed been a Spark, but he was one of those rustic buffoons you hear about in bad jokes and tavern songs.

“The creature he constructed from farm machinery and pork products terrorized a small village for the two hours it took the Baron’s men to hear about it, show up, and blow it apart. Unfortunately, by that time, the creator and his family had already fallen victim to the thing’s built-in sausage maker.

“All, that is, except for the late Spark’s infant son; Gil. As there was no other family, the Baron placed him with the other children aboard Castle Wulfenbach.

“Well, he wasn’t the only one on the Castle like that, but until then, even the kid whose father built the Perpetual Molasses Fountain ranked higher than Gil, who didn’t even know.⁸¹

“Even so, Gil was devastated. I tried to stop him, but he ran off in tears.”

Tarvek paused again.

“Now, the thing was…the Spark with the sausage monster? We’d all heard that story…”

Von Zinzer interrupted, “They still tell it, back where I come from.”

“I’m not surprised. But I’d never heard about there being a son… and I didn’t believe it for a moment.”

Violetta was slowly nodding in agreement.

“You don’t last long in our family unless you’ve got a good nose for intrigue,” Tarvek said. “I’ve never had the luxury of believing everything I read.

“The story was perfect. All the details were right. There were secondary reports that confirmed everything and orphaned children of careless Sparks were taken in by the Baron all of the time. But…” Tarvek shook his head. “But they were usually placed with trusted vassal families—people who knew to watch them carefully—in case they exhibited signs of the Spark themselves. Gil, on the other hand, was already aboard Castle Wulfenbach. Was already being educated along with future rulers and the children of powerful Sparks. Why? Why did Wulfenbach think he warranted such close supervision?

“I started to dig further, but I got caught. Gil had been caught, too. His running off blindly like that is probably what got us both caught. When I was dragged before the Baron, Gil was already there. He looked awful. It was obvious that the Baron had told him something that had shaken him to his core.

“The minute I had the chance, I tried to reassure him. I told him that I thought the story we’d found was a fake. That I was determined to get to the truth about him, no matter what.

“I was just trying to make him feel better, but I’ll never forget the hatred in the look he shot me. I didn’t understand. What had I said?”

Tarvek closed his eyes, exhausted. Several seconds passed in silence. “Well, I never found out, but now I can guess. That must have been when the Baron told him the truth. He probably also warned him that I was a person that couldn’t be trusted. That was true enough too, really…or that I would try to unearth his real identity.”

Tarvek gave a humorless chuckle. “And then I immediately went and told him that was exactly what I was going to do.”

“The Baron accused me of spying for my family. I denied it, of course. And then Gil betrayed me. He told the Baron to look behind the light fixture in my room. He knew that I had a cache of notes there. He had helped me put it there. He’d even helped me install the secret compartment. The Baron found everything and I was shipped home the next day.”

Von Zinzer looked puzzled. “Wait—so you really were spying?”

Tarvek snorted. “Of course I was spying. All of us were spying! In retrospect, it’s obvious that we were being fed tailored information. Things that the Baron wanted our families to know.”

Tarvek smiled. “We all thought we were so clever because no one ever got caught. He just didn’t want us to get caught.

“But I did get caught, and everybody knew it. So I was made the Object Lesson. I was the only one who ever got sent back home.” Tarvek closed his eyes. “It was so unfair.”

“But…” von Zinzer really looked confused now. “But I thought all those kids on the Castle were there as hostages—to keep their families in line. Weren’t you glad to go home?”

Tarvek shrugged. “Leaving aside the fact that the only way to keep my family in line would be to bury them in a row, Castle Wulfenbach was the place to be. The Baron was collecting and educating us as the future rulers of Europa. We had access to teachers, diplomats, scientists, and adventurers from all over the Empire—all over the World. It was the center of the universe. To get sent away from all that—not to mention back to Sturmhalten and my father’s obsessive work—was the worst punishment ever.

“To me, it made no sense. It was too harsh. I thought the Baron had to be hiding something. Eventually, trying to find out what became a sort of hobby. And years later, I found it. I discovered why the Baron had overreacted.

“My research revealed that ‘Gilgamesh Holzfäller’ was the son of Petrus Teufel, Leader of the Black Mist Raiders.”

Von Zinzer and Violetta gasped. Tarvek smiled. “See? Of course his family was kept secret. Every power in Europa would have cause to kill him. Only the Other has caused more fear, death, and devastation. Teufel was a Spark so strong that even Wulfenbach had trouble taking him down.⁸²

“No wonder Gil was brilliant. No wonder Klaus wanted him under his eye. The discovery was too much—it turned me sick just to think of it. I shut it all away and tried to forget the whole thing.

Tarvek paused, and took a deep breath. “Eventually I managed to convince my father to let me go to Paris. I felt like I was back in the center of the world. I found freedom! Culture! New Ideas!

“—And Gilgamesh Holzfäller; a debauched, amoral wretch who spent most of his time in the local nightclubs and bordellos. Nature had obviously triumphed over nurture.

“Well, our friendship was long over, so—at first—I was determined to ignore him and get on with my life. I had my own work to attend to.

“But Gil had a way of showing up where he was least wanted—and it quickly became obvious to me that he was involved in something nefarious. I was never able to discover exactly what but, because of him, I wound up dealing with an endless stream of monsters, pirates, and what seemed like every half-baked Spark who wandered through Paris, never with good results. By the time I was called back home, I wasn’t terribly sorry to go. Whatever Gil was up to, someone else could sort it out.”

Tarvek stared into the past for a moment. “It’s so obvious now. He’s the Baron’s son. Of course that’s what he was hiding! And all that about Petrus Teufel—I see now that the Baron had merely concocted yet another layer of false identity to hide his son.” He smiled ruefully. “I wonder how many more I would have discovered if I had kept digging? Probably scoundrels all the way down…”

He snorted and shook himself. “Well, fine. It serves me right. I’ll just have to be less trusting from now on!”

“Tarvek! Hold still and let me put this on your head! I have a great idea I want to try!” Agatha had bustled up with an armload of instruments, topped by a pair of bulky metal skullcaps connected by wires and hoses.

Agatha settled Tarvek’s cap in place, and turned to von Zinzer. “Okay, get them both up!” she called.

Von Zinzer began to snap open his restraints. “Uh…they’re not going to go all monster-y, are they?” he asked.

Agatha considered this. “Well, that’s still within the realm of possibility, of course… But probably not.”

Tarvek relaxed slightly.

Agatha frowned. “Not yet, anyway.”

Tarvek sat up and tried to look at the device strapped to his head. She was clamping one of its cables to an exposed terminal on the larger apparatus. “Agatha, what exactly is this thing going to—”

“Here goes!” she called, as she flipped a small switch.

A wave of nausea hit him, and he toppled into Agatha’s arms. “Uergh. I feel terrible. Again. What is this?” he asked her.

“It worked!” She sounded delighted.

“Oh dear.” Tarvek tried to stand, then leaned heavily on Agatha. “Violetta must be right. You do hate me. I’m crushed. Eurgh…”

Agatha tucked herself under his arm and lifted him to his feet. “Idiot.” She smiled at him.

“Hey! Hey! Sturmvoraus! Hands off, you!” Gil was getting up off his slab, the other skullcap strapped to his head. His skin matched Tarvek’s, which was currently a delicate shade of lemon. Suddenly, he clutched at the helmet and swayed as if he had been struck. Then his face cleared. “I…I feel better.” He blinked, and swayed sideways. “In a horrible, slowly dying as my life energy is sucked out through my pores kind of way.” Gil wobbled. “I think I’m going to fall down, now.”

He toppled, and was caught by Tarvek, who had been falling the other way. They staggered around until they got their arms around each other’s shoulders for support. Then Gil noticed whom he was leaning on.

“You!” Gil snarled. “I’m going to kill you!” He winced. “Ugh. Later. When I can…when I can stand.”

“Oh, yeah?” Tarvek waved a finger under Gil’s nose. “Listen, you, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, you…” he wobbled drunkenly. “Erk. Yeah. Later.” He agreed. “When you can stand.”

“Yeah. ’Cause I sure can’t stand you now.” Gil returned. They broke into identical pathetic giggles.

Violetta was checking the readings on a set of dials. “Well, they’re both back in the safe levels.”

Agatha watched as their skin, in perfect unison, changed to a light, robin’s-egg blue. She nodded in satisfaction. “They’ve integrated even better than I’d dared to hope.”

She held out two old-fashioned chest-mounted system monitors. She had clearly modified them. They sported extra dials, lights, and wires. Like the skullcaps, they were connected.

“Put these on,” Agatha ordered. She then proceeded to do it for them. They watched curiously as she pulled straps that set the little devices snugly against their chests.

They kept their arms around each other’s shoulders, partially so they wouldn’t fall down again and partially because the cables that connected the little machines didn’t allow them to get very far from each other.

“Okay, pay attention,” she said as she finished the last few connections and finally removed the skullcaps from their heads. “With these things, I was able to stabilize the Si Vales. But it won’t last.

“If we don’t complete the procedure, you’re both…um…well.” She paused. “Anyway, we have to see this through.

“But there’s a big problem. This place functions by means of some kind of huge power source. It’s way down deep underground in the cellars.

“The Castle says it isn’t sure exactly what’s wrong, but the central core is no longer generating power.

“Apparently, this place has been running on stored energy since the Other’s attack, and, after all this time, and with the extra energy we’ve been using since we came in, it’s running low.

“That’s enough to maintain sentience and minor systems, but something like this—” Agatha patted the lightning generator. “This needs a lot more than the system can supply all at once.”

She tapped a fingernail against the device strapped to Gil’s chest. “These units will keep your systems linked and the Si Vales connection intact while we make our way down there.

“We may be able to fix the generator, or at least tap directly into one of the storage devices.”

Tarvek looked like he was in the midst of a terrible dream. “Um—that could kill us.”

Gil gave him a disgusted look. “Really? Deader than a Si Vales Valeo decay? Or deader than Hogfarb’s Immolation?”

Tarvek’s expression did not change. “I like fixing generators,” he told them.

“Good,” said Agatha. “Now I’m going to calibrate the stimulators. This is kind of delicate.” She fiddled with a handheld meter and stared at its dials. “Try to act lively, but not too lively, okay?”

“Lively?” Tarvek asked Gil in a weak voice. “I’m amazed we’re standing.”

“No kidding.” Gil poked him. “Just, I don’t know, flap your hands or something.”

“You first.”

“Nuh-uh. You first.”

Violetta walked up and shoved a bundle at Tarvek. “All right, you buffoon—I dug around in the back room and found you some old clothes, so get dressed!

“She may be too busy saving your worthless life to notice, but you’re not going to walk around in front of my lady without pants!”

Gil and Tarvek stopped arguing and looked down in horror.

“Oh, now, that’s way too lively.” Agatha told them, frowning at the meter she held. All that shouting was making the readings jump all over the dials.

Finally, Agatha was satisfied that the stimulators were working properly. Gil and Tarvek sat side-by-side as she bustled about, collecting tools and discussing with the Castle the best route through its basements.

They sipped at scrounged beakers full of what von Zinzer called “Best Not Ask.”

Tarvek shook his head. “The Castle’s power source! Amazing! Our spies never could find it.”

“So Tiktoffen wasn’t just holding out on us,” Gil said. “From what I heard earlier, I thought maybe—”

Tarvek was surprised. “Wait—Hristo Tiktoffen? But he was our inside man.”

“Oh really?” Gil thought about this. “I see. That explains a few things. But didn’t you wonder if…er…if someone else had spies here?”

Tarvek took another sip. “Sure. We knew about all kinds of spies. According to Tiktoffen, there were agents and observers from all sorts of organizations, but he could never identify the Baron’s insider. Fancy that.”

Gil took a sip. “So he wasn’t telling your side everything either?”

The Castle began to chuckle. It sounded as though a third person was sitting with them.

“Ah, the light dawns!” the Castle mocked.

Tarvek made a wry face. “Huh. It sounds like he’s on nobody’s side except his own.”

The Castle practically crowed: “Actually, the professor is on my side! Heh, heh, heh.”

Tarvek frowned. “Your side? You have a side?”

“Wait—” Gil said. “I can see this. Tiktoffen’s university dissertation was on ‘The Autonomy of Architecture.’”⁸³

“That was him?” Tarvek rolled his eyes. “Sweet Science, he must love this place.”

“And what is not to love?” the Castle said smugly.

Gil and Tarvek remained silent, sipping their drinks. Finally, Gil spoke. “So you’re involved in this whole ‘Storm King’ farce, are you?”

Tarvek looked guilty. “Well, yes, a bit. Did Agatha—”

“No. Your tame Heterodyne girl told me all about it…and she was a bit of a surprise, let me tell you.”

Tarvek clutched his forehead and groaned. “She is not my tame Heterodyne girl. This whole debacle was not my plan. Mine was much better.

“And even though a real Heterodyne girl appeared, they panicked and rushed into it anyway! I swear, those fools couldn’t topple the corrupt government of a sandcastle.”

Gil shrugged. “Well, what with Agatha’s performance in Sturmhalten, I can see how they thought it was now or never.”

“So this girl’s in the Castle, is she? What’s she like? Will she be any danger to Agatha?”

Gil stared at him. “Wait—you don’t know?”

“Well, no. I’ve never met her. I said this wasn’t my plan.”

“Um, well, let’s just say I don’t think much of this Storm King guy’s taste.”

Tarvek was stung. “Oh, really? That’s encouraging, considering the kind of girls you preferred in Paris.”

Gil raised his eyebrows. “True. They didn’t like to play dress-up much at all.”

“That’s because they were hardly ever dressed!” Tarvek sniped.

“Jealous?” Gil answered.

Agatha interrupted them. “It’s time to go. We’d better not leave Professor Tiktoffen and Pinkie here, they’ll have to come with us. Where are they?”

Tarvek was surprised. “They’re here here? Both of them?”

“Yeah. I knocked them out with some Ichor of Somnia.” Gil selected a small jar from a shelf and tossed it to von Zinzer. “Here. Wave this under their noses. It’ll wake them up fast.”

Von Zinzer eyed the jar suspiciously. “What is it?”

“Vitrium of Mustard. It’s harmless enough, just don’t try sniffing it yourself, it’s really pungent.”

He was too late. Von Zinzer had opened the jar and taken a sniff. He shrieked and clapped the lid back on, his eyes watering furiously. Violetta followed him out the door and just managed to keep him from walking himself into a wall. Together, they went to fetch the prisoners.

When they had gone, the Castle made a strange sound. “My lady! There is something moving within my walls. It…it appears to be heading this way, and it seem to be…quite large.”

Agatha looked at the door they had come in. “Seems large? You can’t tell?”

“No. It is…amorphous, I think. I cannot halt, destroy, or contain it…and…and…it tickles!”

“How close is it?”

The wall next to them cracked and a portrait fell to the ground.

“Very close!”

With a rumble, the wall collapsed into fragments, revealing a dark space. Within, something moved. It stepped out into the light. One large, central eye blinked.

“Oh!” Agatha looked down with astonishment. “It’s one of my little clanks.”

Gil and Tarvek bent to examine it. Gil grinned. “Yes! It’s the one our people found at Sturmhalten. I activated it earlier and it actually came to help you, just like I told it to! It’s actually a very smart little—OW!” Gill yelped as the diminutive clank lashed out and punched him in the nose.

Tarvek chortled. “You’re right! It is really smart! So—this is one of the ones she built in Sturmhalten, eh? I helped with some of those, you know—YEEE!”

The clank had found a mallet and brought it down hard on Tarvek’s toes.

“I see it remembers you, too,” Gil said with a smirk.

“That’s enough of that,” Agatha told it sternly. “Stop picking on my—er—my experimental subjects.”

The small clank managed to look contrite.

There was a sound behind them. One of the pocket-watch clanks already in the room had wandered over. It had evidently just dropped a wrench and was now staring fixedly at the newcomer, which was staring back.

“Er, my lady?” the Castle asked nervously. “Just how many of those have you built?”

“Oh,” Gil said with interest, “that must be another primary. It looks a lot like the other one, doesn’t it?”

Suddenly both clanks began to chime angrily. From the lab behind them and out of the hole in the wall, swarms of small clanks poured into the hall. They paused, each group assessing the other, and then flowed towards each other, apparently eager for battle.

Agatha brought her foot down hard between the two tiny generals, the sole of her boot ringing against the stone. She flung out her hands. “STOP!” she boomed. “I am your creator and I command you to stop!”

For a moment, the two primary clanks stared upward. Then, in unison, they brought their heavy tools down upon her foot. Agatha shrieked and began hopping about, swearing like a professor with tenure. The two primary clanks ignored her and leapt at each other, doing their best to disassemble one another.

Tarvek watched critically. “Seriously. Does that ever work?”

Gil shook his head. “No. She is ahead of the game, in that she didn’t try it on a giant wolverine/snake thing with poisoned tusks.”

Tarvek nodded. “Oooh, yeah. I heard about that.”

“You’re lucky. I got it on my shoes,” said Gil.

Tarvek nudged Gil. “Hey. Look at that. The other ones obeyed her.”

It was true. The remaining clank armies had frozen in place and seemed content to watch the glorious single combat of their leaders.

Gil stroked his chin. “Another difference between the first and second generation.”

Tarvek looked at him inquiringly.

Gil continued. “You don’t think Agatha built all those, do you? I watched her working back on Castle Wulfenbach. She builds some of them herself, like those two there. Then they go and build more, and so on.”

Tarvek was impressed. “Oh. She didn’t tell me that, but it explains a lot. When I was working with her in Sturmhalten, I was kind of distracted…”

“Yeah. I’ll bet.” Gil scowled. “Anyway, the secondaries build tertiaries and so on, but subsequent generations get simpler and more crude. It’s like the later ones just don’t have…”

Tarvek stared at Gil wide-eyed. “The Spark,” he said. “She’s built a machine with the Spark?”

Gil shook his head. “No, it can’t be! Is that even possible? In some ways they’re very simple devices…”

Tarvek massaged his forehead. “But they can plan and carry out such complex functions! I’ve seen them do it!”

“I don’t know…” Gil said,“…if they acted like Sparks in other ways…”

With a clang of triumph, one of the pocket-watch clanks smacked the other across the floor. When it had skidded to a stop, the second clank pantomimed just how it would rain lightning down upon its tormentor. The first clearly indicated how its opponent’s springs were wound too tight. Their chimes shrieked as they leapt towards each other in diminutive fury. Gil and Tarvek glanced at each other and slowly nodded.

Finally Tarvek couldn’t stand it any more. He grabbed both of the little clanks and held them up. “All right,” he said sternly. “Enough of this! You two stop this right now. You’re supposed to be helping—”

Simultaneously, the little clanks pinched Tarvek’s thumbs. Hard. He gave a whoop of pain and proceeded to bang the two errant machines together several times.

Their eyes spun wildly for a moment, and then both clanks focused fearfully on Tarvek.

“I’m not enjoying this,” he lied, “but I can do it all day. Do you understand?”

The two devices looked contrite and clicked at him submissively. Gil chuckled.

Tarvek turned angrily. “What’s so funny?”

“That’s a really good impersonation of my father.”

Tarvek glared at Gil and then again addressed the two machines in his hands in a deeper, mock-serious voice. “And now I will establish an illegitimate government based on brute force, which will eventually leave you under the heel of my debauched libertine of a son, so be sure to hide all of your booze and women!”

This was the first time the little clanks had been aware that they had either booze or women. They stared back with interest.

“Hey, now, wait a minute—” Gil scowled.

Violetta burst into the room, followed by von Zinzer. “They’re gone!” she announced.

Von Zinzer looked worried. “Wulfenbach and I locked them up, but it looks like they’ve escaped.”

Tarvek looked sideways at Gil. “Wait. She was here and you left her unguarded?”

Gil was defensive. “I knocked her out with Ichor of Somnia!”

“And then left her unguarded.”

“And I locked her in an iron cage!”

“Unguarded!”

Gil threw his hands up. “Yes! We had work to do! On you!”

Agatha was shocked. “Gil? You put her in a cage? But I thought you…um…but she’s completely useless!” She looked thoughtful. “At least, she seemed useless…”

Tarvek clutched the sides of his head. “I can’t believe this!” He stared at Gil. “A powerful secret organization, one capable of hiding an army from the Baron, has been planning a slow-motion coup for years—and you completely underestimate the girl they groomed to be the Heterodyne? Practically the linchpin of the whole thing?”

“You obviously haven’t met her,” Agatha said.

“Oh, yes he has!” Gil said. “Your fake Heterodyne was Zola la Sirène Dorée!”

Tarvek snorted. “What? No, that was that idiot back in Paris—”

The look on Gil’s face stopped him dead. His jaw dropped.

“She is good,” he whispered. “Agatha, she’s going to be real trouble.”

They decamped quickly after that. Tarvek was still protesting. “I’m telling you, we’ve got to kill her as soon as possible.” He glanced over at Gil. “You’ll be sorry if we don’t.”

Gil and Tarvek, still wobbly on their feet, had gone back to leaning on one another. Each had his arm across the other’s shoulders, keeping the tubes and wires that connected them safe.

Agatha strode on ahead. “No. If she’s really that dangerous, I want you two fixed up as soon as possible.”

“You can’t seriously think Zola is any kind of threat?” Gil insisted.

“In Paris, I would have said, ‘Only if you let her sing.’ But if she’s the Order’s ‘Heterodyne Princess’, then there’s a lot more to her than she ever let on.”

“Good point,” Gil said. “But still, Zola…I just can’t see it…” A thought struck him. “They’ll have a Storm King, too, I imagine. I can’t wait to meet him.”

Tarvek looked carefully over at Gil’s face for a long moment. Gil didn’t seem to be toying with him…

Finally, Tarvek said: “Hmf. Watch out. He’s probably your manservant.”

“Nah. He’s a spy for the British. You know him—Ardsley Wooster.”

“Really?” Tarvek was interested. “I thought the British spy was Ludmilla—you know—that grad student from the Pie and Phlogiston club.”

“No, no. She was the last keeper of the Lost Key of the Red Pyramid of Bishara,” Gil said.

“Red Pyramid—” Tarvek thought a moment. “Oh, right! I read about that in the Journal of the Société Archéologique de L’Étrange! Some adventurer won the key by defeating Bishara’s champion.”

“Yeah!” Gil grinned. “Remember Thegon Ba’Kont? Big guy? Wrestling team?”

“What? He was the adventurer? Really?”

“Of course not! He was their champion! He and Ludmilla got married last month.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Tarvek said, “I sent them a toast rack.”

“We’re there!” called Agatha.

Professor Mezzasalma looked up in pleased surprise as Agatha appeared in the doorway. “Lady Heterodyne! You’re still alive!”

“Indeed I am. How are things here? Has Professor Tiktoffen shown up? We lost track of him.”

Diaz shook his head. “I’m afraid not, Señorita, but that one? The Castle will watch over him.”

Mittlemind nodded. “And my minion has returned from the cistern with the stolen parts for the ‘Lion.’”

Fraulein Snaug sat huddled on the floor clutching a large oilskin bag.

“I kept her safe, and gave her a tour!” the Castle reassured Agatha.

Agatha was not reassured. “Are you all right?” she asked Snaug.

Snaug stared back at Agatha. “Spiky trapdoors,” she whispered. “Torture chambers…man-eating bats…impertinent mechanical squid…” She shuddered.

Mittlemind tousled her hair affectionately. “Oh, there’s some minor psychological damage,” he said cheerfully. “But I always wipe her memory afresh for her birthday!”

Snaug began slowly rocking back and forth. “Happy birthday to meeee…” she crooned softly.

Agatha nodded. “Right.” She strode over to the large hole she had burned into the floor and looked down into the darkness. “I have to get to the bottom of this hole.”

Professor Mittlemind clapped his hands together and rubbed them as he joined her. “Nothing simpler!”

“—And survive.”

Mittlemind paused. “Ah. Tricky.”

The other prisoners peered down into the depths. Diaz raised a finger to the ceiling. “I will strap a series of shaped charges to your chest, and then you will detonate them just before you land!”

Professor Mezzasalma snorted in derision. “Bah! I have a secret procedure of my own devising that will—probably—give you many properties of the noble spider! You can simply leap to the bottom!”

“No, no, my lady,” Mittlemind interrupted. “My hydrophilic attractor could—theoretically—be modified to fill the Castle with water! Assuming your drains have been properly maintained, it will gracefully lower you to the bottom as it subsides!”

The three scientists reared back and regarded one other with rising scorn. Von Zinzer raised a hand and indicated a large industrial winch. “This thing looks like it has enough cable, and it should be strong enough…we could knock together a platform and lower everybody down with some tools and everything. Nice and safe.”

Every Spark in the room glared at him. Then Agatha looked sheepish and cleared her throat. Tarvek and Gil shook themselves. Diaz, Mittlemind and Mezzasalma continued to glower at him.

Von Zinzer wilted under the Sparks’ gaze. “And…and then at the bottom,” he mumbled, “it could unfold into a…a giant caterpillar or something…”

“No, no,” Mittlemind snarled. “You’ve already taken all the joy out of it.”

Agatha rifled all the toolboxes in the room—searching for anything that looked like it might come in handy later. She asked the Castle if it had been able to find Zola.

“No, my Lady. She escaped while I was checking the power, and she is most likely keeping to my dead zones.”

“Well, pay attention, this time,” she told it.

Von Zinzer checked the cable, hooked it up and, soon enough, declared the platform finished.

Violetta threw a switch, and the engine on the winch chugged to life. Von Zinzer climbed aboard the platform and gently moved a sliding switch. With a gentle jerk, the platform rose into the air. Von Zinzer nodded and moved the switch the other way. Nothing happened. He frowned, reset it, and tried again. This time the platform dropped and bounced lightly against the ground. He raised it again and gave Agatha a thumbs-up. “I think we’re good to go.”

“No, no, no! Absolutely not!” Mezzasalma declared. “The controls obviously need work!”

“The gearage looks loose to me!” Mittlemind said.

“I want all the weight-bearing areas double reinforced!” Diaz chimed in.

Agatha blew a lock of hair out her eyes. “We don’t have a lot of time—”

They weren’t listening.

“I need to install an entirely new backup system!”

“Maybe triple! Even quadruple!”

“The linkages—they should be rebuilt!”

Von Zinzer touched Agatha’s arm. “Leave this to me.” He turned to the three scientists. “I’m going, you’re staying here.”

They stared at him.

“Oh, well then,” Mezzasalma shrugged.

“It should be fine,” Mittlemind admitted.

“Let us get started!” Diaz said.

Violetta and Snaug watched with interest. As they helped load the platform, Snaug leaned in. “So. Your boyfriend is really good with dealing with Sparks. Has he served the Lady Heterodyne long?”

Violetta shrugged. “I don’t know.” For some reason, her face was suddenly bright red. “Um…and he’s not my boyfriend.”

Snaug regarded her in surprise. “Oh, reeeeally…” She turned her gaze back at von Zinzer and gnawed gently at her lower lip. She glanced back at Violetta and smiled. “I’m so glad we had this little talk.”

Violetta sat down hard on a box, her eyes slightly crossed.

Agatha handed a box of tools up to von Zinzer. “We’ll make a preliminary trip to make sure it’s safe, then we can bring everyone down.”

Von Zinzer nodded. “Who else is going?” he sighed deeply. “Besides me, of course.”

Gil and Tarvek stepped up. “We’re coming.”

Agatha spun to face them. “You? Don’t be absurd! You’re—” She paused. Aside from their exotic, ever-changing pigmentation, they were both practically glowing with good health.

Agatha’s eye’s narrowed. “You’re looking pretty good, actually.”

Tarvek grinned. “Aren’t we, though?”

“…Suspiciously good.” She bent to examine the device strapped to Tarvek’s chest. Her eye’s widened. “You—what have you done?” She examined Gil’s device. “These settings! You’ve rerouted the entire—” She stared at them, appalled. “You’ve cut your time in half! At least!”

Gil and Tarvek tightened their jaws. “Yes!”

“You need us functioning!”

“We’re not going to stay up here—”

“While you go into possible danger—”

“And do all the work!”

“Even if you can’t cure us—”

“If we all work together—”

“A few hours should be all we need—”

“To get the Castle repaired enough to keep you safe!”

This had all been delivered by Gil, then by Tarvek, back-and-forth at an escalating pace that seemed spoken by one person with two throats. With a jolt Agatha realized that they were now speaking in perfect unison.

“I thought you were dead! After losing you like that once, I’m going to make sure that you’re safe even if it’s the last thing I do!”

They fixed her with identical, challenging stares.

Agatha threw her arms around both their necks and hugged them to her fiercely. “I am going to save you both,” she whispered. They stood together for several heartbeats, and then she tightened her grip.

“And then I am going to kill you!” she shouted.

When they climbed onto the platform, Agatha looked over at the other Sparks. “Actually, it would be helpful if one of you came along.”

Diaz shrugged dramatically. “¡Que mala suerte! I have just remembered that I must see to my knitting! If it escapes, I shall have a devil of a time finding it again. Also, my narcolepsy, it is suddenly returning!” He dropped to the ground.

Professor Mittlemind regretfully pulled forth a small calendar. “Today is the Feast of Saint Bunge: My religion forbids excessive vertical travel today, and I really should polish the spikes in the pit trap!”

Mezzasalma watched their antics, his lip curling. “The two of you disgust me.” With a clatter of mechanical legs, he stepped aboard.

Agatha regarded him with respect as von Zinzer threw some levers and swung the platform out over the shaft. “Professor Mezzasalma, you actually want to come?”

Mezzasalma snorted. “Of course not, but they took all of the good excuses, and crying is undignified.”

Von Zinzer rolled his eyes. “Brace yourselves! Here we go!”

With a shudder, the platform began sinking down the shaft. To von Zinzer’s satisfaction, the platform descended slowly but smoothly, and the bright disk of light above them shrank and faded. Agatha flipped a switch and a jury-rigged set of lamps crackled into brightness, allowing them to examine the interiors of the rooms they were lowered through.

“So, I hate to spoil the party,” von Zinzer began, “but have any of you Sparks actually thought about what we’re going to find down there?

“I mean, what kind of power source runs a place like this?”

Tarvek spoke up. “Tiktoffen said he never discovered it.” He peeked over the edge, down into the darkness. “I’m now tempted to believe that it was something he didn’t actually know.”

“I asked my father about it once,” said Gil. “He told me that even Barry Heterodyne didn’t know. I found that a bit hard to believe—”

“Master Barry did not lie.” The Castle’s voice was subdued. “By order of my creator, Faustus Heterodyne, my power source is one of the most closely guarded of family secrets.”

“But,” Agatha frowned, “Uncle Barry was family.”

“Technically, that is correct. However while he was a Heterodyne, he was never the Heterodyne. That was your father, the eldest brother. As it happened, he did not know either. Both Master William and Master Barry spent very little time within my halls. They were poisoned against me by their mother.⁸⁴ As a result, we had…philosophical differences.

“It never became necessary for the last Heterodyne—your father—to know all of my secrets and thus he never bothered to learn them.”

The Castle paused. “It was a shame that he never fully embraced the family legacy. There was a refreshing simplicity to him. If he had been born two hundred years ago, I do not think that even the Storm King would have been able to stop him.”

“Philosophical differences…yes, I can see that…Well, it’s necessary now,” Agatha sighed.

“Under the circumstances, I must concur. I’ll of course have to kill most of your companions, to limit the knowledge of my workings and their location.”

Everyone on the platform shot Agatha a worried look.

“Don’t you dare,” she said sternly.

“Well, of course, we must preserve your consorts. For the good of the line, you know. And for spare parts…” The Castle gave another chilling laugh.

Mezzasalma glanced at Gil and Tarvek and turned to Agatha. “I…I think the two eyes you have are…are beautifully spider-like?” he said weakly.

Agatha patted him gently on the arm. “Stop talking now.”

She addressed the Castle. “I realize that you’re just amusing yourself at our expense, but even so, I want to make this very clear. These people are under my protection and you will honor that. Do you understand?”

The Castle grumbled with a sound like gears grinding together. “Oh, very well, then,” it said sullenly.

“Very well then—what?”

“Very well then. Mistress.”

Agatha nodded in satisfaction. “Don’t forget that.”

“Hey!” Von Zinzer was peering over the edge of the platform. “We’re coming up on something big! What is that stuff?”

“Indeed,” the Castle informed them. “You are approaching the Great Movement Chamber, wherein is hidden the source of the river Dyne. This is where your ancestors learned how to harness its power.”

The platform cleared the ceiling and descended into a vast cavern. Everyone gasped in astonishment.

Higher than a cathedral, the cavern was filled with massive gears and ancient machinery. The nearest wall was a towering relief of worked stone. Its design was only dimly visible near the bottom, which was lit by a flickering pool of clear blue light. It was a semi-enclosed spring, from which a glowing river of water burst forth. It flowed through an elaborate series of ancient iron gates and rushed down a central channel and off into the vastness of the cave. It flowed past the paddles of a titanic waterwheel that lay off-kilter and motionless, its axle splintered. The great pillar of rock that had caused the break still lay amongst the wreckage.

“That’s not a new break,” Gil muttered as they all stepped off of the platform. “I’ll bet that big piece broke off the ceiling and smashed it when the Other attacked.”

When everyone else had left the platform, von Zinzer threw a switch. He leapt off the platform as it slowly began to rise back to the top of the shaft. “Hope that was a good idea,” he muttered.

The others were still mesmerized by the scene before them. “You—All of this is powered by water?” Agatha asked the Castle.

“The Dyne is more than just water.” Deep as they were, the Castle’s voice was still with them. It echoed through the deep chambers and sent shivers through the listeners. “A bit of family history, my lady. When your ancestor first came to this place, there was only a small spring, sacred to the local Battle Goddess.”

Tarvek interrupted. “When was this?”

“How should I know?” the Castle replied. “It was long before I was built, and I measure time differently than you.”⁸⁵

It continued. “The spring’s guardians claimed that immersion in its waters brought insanity and death—except on those rare occasions when it pleased the Goddess to grant miraculous healing instead. To actually drink from it was unthinkable.

“But your ancestor never had much use for other people’s rules. He drank from the spring. He should have died screaming. Instead, it granted him unearthly strength and stamina. He became greatly feared as the chosen consort of the Goddess and built his fortress upon this spot.

“When Vlad the Blasphemous first brewed the Jägerdraught, he used water from the spring as a key ingredient.

“Egregious Heterodyne decided that the spring was too small and set out to increase its flow. That was when the river Dyne came to be. It was also when the first Castle was destroyed.”

“The years when the Dyne flowed unchecked placed the family’s mark on this area for all time.” The Castle paused for a private chuckle, then continued. “It was Faustus Heterodyne who learned to spin a powerful energy from the waters. He was able to use this energy to create marvels undreamed of by earlier Heterodynes. His crowning achievement was, of course, myself.

“I am afraid I require everything that can be wrung from the spring. Beyond this chamber, the waters of the Dyne no longer produce any interesting effects at all. Now the water can be drunk and safely harnessed by practically anybody. Ah, well, but that is outside. Here at the source, I would advise you to stay clear.”

Von Zinzer leaned on an ornate, trilobite-decked rail and watched the water as it flowed through the channel. “So—drink the water here and you become a Jäger?”

“Oh, dear me, no,” the Castle laughed. “Drink the water here and you die!” It laughed again. “Of course, drink the Jägerdraught and you’ll most likely die as well. But, even if you don’t, the water is only the start of the process. You should ask my lady to try it on you, once she’s got the time.”

Von Zinzer stared at the water below. “No, thanks.”

The Castle broke into another nasty laugh.

Professor Mezzasalma stood near a row of ancient vacuum tubes that stretched off into the darkness. “And all of this bric-a-brac is necessary to extract the power from the waters?”

“Of course not. The systems in the Great Movement Chamber serve many functions. There are thousands of systems and devices whose motive force originates here. Or did, rather, when everything was functioning…why, the bird baths alone require several dedicated steam turbines. All those little brushes, you know.”

Gil and Tarvek had found a good spot and were, together, slowly pivoting in place as they looked around. When they returned to their starting place, the two men glanced at each other and scowled.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Tarvek confessed.

“This can’t be all of it,” Gil said. He waved towards the broken paddlewheel. “This thing has been broken for quite awhile, yet the Castle still has power.”

“There’s obviously some sort of voltaic pile, but to run a place like this…”

Gil grinned. “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to see it.” They walked back to Agatha. She had her back to them, staring at the hole in the floor and dabbing her cheeks with a handkerchief. “It’s your Castle, Agatha. Where should we go next?”

“Hm?” She turned towards them, blinking. Gil and Tarvek gasped. Agatha’s skin was a bright emerald green. “Sorry,” she said. “I’m feeling a bit—” She saw their stares and glanced at her hand. “Ooh. That’s bad.”

Tarvek turned to Gil. “No! She wasn’t hooked up to us! How is this even possible?”

Gil crossed his arms. The purple of his skin deepened. “I knew it. You did kiss him.”

Tarvek looked surprised. “She—what? I don’t remember that!”

Agatha’s blush turned her skin slate-grey. “What would that have to do with anything?” she asked hotly.

Gil indicated his now magenta skin. “I’m just replicating symptoms because of the Si Vales Valeo process.” He pointed at Tarvek. “But he’s actually infectious! You put your mouth on his dirty, diseased skin!”

Tarvek glared at Gil. “I would have used better words than that.” He turned to scold Agatha. “But he’s right. You’ve shown a shocking disregard for basic medical safety.”

Gil pointed to Tarvek. “What he said!”

Tarvek continued in a gentler voice. “I can’t say I’m not touched, but when in the lab, it can be very dangerous to yield to one’s romantic impulses—”

Gil rolled his eyes. “Oh, you’re definitely ‘touched’ all right,” he told Tarvek.

“—No matter how difficult it is to resist.”

Gil shook his head. “Before we die of this,” he said conversationally, “I am going to kill you.”

“Stop it,” Agatha said. “We’re not beaten. We can still do this. We’ll find a sufficient power source, and finish the Si Vales Valeo. I’ll just hook myself into the circuit as well.”

The two young men stared at her. Tarvek glanced at Gil. “Well… theoretically…”

Gil shook his head. “I don’t think anyone has ever made something like that work.”

Agatha poked him in the chest. “We’ll make it work.”

“LOOK OUT BELOW!” The scream was followed by the crash of the lift platform against the lip of the shaft. Fraulein Snaug held onto the controls, even as she was thrown about. Quickly, the others rushed in and grabbed hold of the lift. They dragged it more firmly onto the floor beside the shaft and Snaug shakily got to her feet.

“Here’s the equipment! S-sorry about that, Lady Heterodyne,” she said breathlessly. “I sort of came in a little fast and…” She looked around and worry filled her face. “Violetta was with me! She was!”

“I’m right here.”

They looked up in time to see the Smoke Knight slide down the last meter or so of cable and land delicately upon the roof of the platform.

“I’m fine,” she declared airily. “When Snaug lost control, I simply—”

Von Zinzer ignored her. “Are you all right?” he asked Fraulein Snaug, as he half-carried her to a bench. “You should sit. Better yet, lie down while I get you something to drink.” He paused. “Not water.”

Snaug smiled gamely at him. “How sweet,” she whispered.

Violetta stared at them sullenly until Tarvek derailed her thoughts. “Come, come, Violetta, let’s get this stuff unloaded.”

Violetta swung smoothly down from the top of the platform, bringing her face-to-face with Agatha, who was currently orange.

“What have those pigs done to you?” Violetta screamed. She rounded on Tarvek and Gil. “I can’t believe it! I hardly let you out of my sight and you morons violate enough medical protocols to get her infected? I’ll kill you both!”

Agatha put a soothing hand on Violetta’s arm. “Mistakes were made,” she said vaguely, “but please don’t kill them. I need them alive, for the moment, and I am somewhat fond of them.”

“What? Why?” Violetta began a full catalog of Tarvek’s faults, Gil’s probable equality of malfeasance, and a detailed suggestion about the benefits of taxidermy.

Gil tried to get Agatha’s attention, but Tarvek shook his head. He waved Gil to a seat. “Don’t bother trying to ask Agatha anything, she’ll be busy until Violetta’s done ranting.” He turned towards Gil with a serious look on his face. “Just as well, actually. Listen, about these devices she built…” he patted the unit strapped to his chest.

Gil gave Tarvek a wicked grin. “Well, we could get started right now if you’ll let me take yours apart to see how it works!”

Tarvek nodded. “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

Gil looked startled. “What? Hey, no, I was just—”

Tarvek was serious. “You’re hooked up to me so you’ll keep me alive. Now you’re expected to manage for both Agatha and me? Ridiculous. The stochastic variables will start degrading the system almost immediately.”

Gil looked away. “Yes, of course. But…”

“I really don’t see this working,” said Tarvek. “If things even start to break down, we’re going to cut me loose.”

“That won’t be necessary! If we do this quick enough—”

Tarvek held up a hand, cutting him off. “If we do, that’s great, but, if not, no heroics. We save her. Right?”

Gil nodded slowly. “Well…right. Of course.”

Agatha came back to them, frowning suspiciously. “Are you two fighting again?”

“No,” they said in unison.

Professor Mezzasalma gave a shout and waved excitedly from a dark archway. Everyone else hurried over. He had discovered another cavernous room filled with long orderly rows of glass spheres. Each sphere was almost two meters in diameter and rested on squat little stands made in the shape of rather sullen looking lizards. Their red eyes glowed dimly in the dark. Inside each sphere was a strange column of metal and crystal, rising from a pool of liquid. Each was capped with a dull metal lid, and each lid was hooked into an elaborate swirling net of wires that connected and interconnected in a dizzying tangle that stretched off into the shadows.

Tarvek gave a shout of recognition and dragged Gil to the nearest sphere. “Baghdad Salamanders!⁸⁶ An entire room full of them!”

He turned to Agatha. “I did a whole thesis on these!” He turned back and regarded the room in awe. “But this isn’t a corroded, broken ruin in a buried tomb! These are active! Functional!” He stared around the room. “Blue fire,” he whispered. “There’s got to be over a thousand of them!”

Gil nodded. “At least a thousand.” He turned to Agatha. “He’s right. These have got to be the power source.”

“There’s so many of them,” Agatha whispered. “No wonder this place could run for so long.”

“I’m astonished it’s running at all,” Tarvek declared. “See the eyes? Those are supposed to be blue. This place is almost done.” He turned back to them and rubbed his hands. “The good news is that I’m pretty sure I can recharge them.”

Agatha considered this. “I think our best bet would be to find one in good shape—maybe two—and see if we can drain the power from a bunch of the others into it.”

Tarvek bit his lip. “That sounds fun, but we are pressed for time.”

The Castle interrupted. “There is a maintenance shed nearby. There should be tools and supplies. I believe you should also find a set of blueprints as well as a current flow diagram.” There was a different quality to its voice. Agatha suspected that it wasn’t quite the same part of the Castle they’d been dealing with earlier.

Gil beamed. “Why, that should help us tremendously! Lead us to it!”

Agatha nodded. “Good. While you’re working on that, I’ll start working on one of those chest pieces for myself. Then, we’ve got to start on something to channel the current through us.”

“Yeah, we…um…” Gil stopped. “Wait.” He said, turning slowly to Agatha.

“Channel the current through ‘us’?” Tarvek finished, worried. “You, too? But—”

The Castle rumbled softly. The lights flickered.

Agatha sighed. “Yes. To cure Tarvek, we were going to kill him, clean him out and then revive him. Obviously I’ll require the same treatment. That’s why we need to find sufficient power. I can hook myself into the system, and we’ll zap both of us at one go. It’ll be very efficient.”

“Hold on!” Gil said, “I know I said this was a good plan, but that was when Sturmvoraus was the one to fry!”

Tarvek raised his voice. He was making small, frantic “stop talking” motions with his hands. “Heavens, yes, Agatha, this is for me, your loving consort! We could never do something like this to you!”

Agatha was annoyed. “What are you—” Too late, the pfennig dropped and she turned her eyes upwards. “Oh.”

“I agree!” the Castle howled. “I will not permit this!”

“What do you mean, ‘you won’t permit it’,” Agatha shouted back. “I’m sick. This procedure can cure me!”

“You cannot die!” The Castle sounded, if possible, more unbalanced than ever.

“I assure you, I most certainly can!”

“I must have a Heterodyne in residence! Until you produce an heir, you are not expendable.”

“I don’t really see that happening any time soon.”

“Why not? You have two fine, strapping—”

Tarvek stepped in. “There is insufficient time for the viable gestation of an heir, as technically, she is already dying.”

Agatha stared at him with a sour look on her face. “Yes, obviously that is the only thing stopping me from producing an heir for you in the next five minutes.”

Tarvek rolled his eyes.

The Castle was not deterred. “Troublesome, yes. However, with a little effort, you should be able to get your great grand-uncle Zagnut’s Corporeal Duplicator built before it is too late. With a little tweaking, you could have a disease-free copy of yourself. Several, if you desire.”

Tarvek and Gil looked at each other.

“Intriguing…” Gil murmured.

“How many more?” Tarvek asked.

The Castle continued. “The prototype merely tore him in half, but he did leave excellent notes.”

“This is crazy,” von Zinzer said from the archway. “By your logic, you shouldn’t have let any of your Heterodynes out of their bedrooms! Ever!”

Everyone stared at him.

“Oh,” the Castle said in surprise. “Yessss…that was a mistake. I see that now. Well spotted, minion.”

Von Zinzer blinked. “I…” He looked at Agatha.

“Thank you,” she said, “for your help.”

“I’ll just…”

“Shut up?”

“Yes.” Von Zinzer shut up.

Agatha shook her head. “Enough of this. I know it’s dangerous, but I think it’ll work, and it’s not as if you can stop me.”

“You are incorrect.” The section of floor under Agatha’s feet sank into the ground. A slab thudded into place over her head. “In any situation where the succession is at stake, I am permitted, even required, to disregard your commands. You are not the first Heterodyne to be more concerned with destruction than with the continuation of the family. But even at low ebb, as I am now, I have more than enough power to keep you from doing anything foolhardy.”

Agatha pounded a fist against the stone wall. “But Gil and Tarvek will die!”

“They are potentially valuable, but ultimately replaceable.”

“No they are not!” Agatha screamed. “Besides, I’ll die!”

“If you truly are a Heterodyne,” the Castle said smugly, “You’ll think of something.”

Agatha stared into the darkness and then finally sagged back against the wall. “All right,” she said finally. “Fine. You’ve made your point. I’ll come up with another plan.” She took a deep breath, “In fact, I believe I have one already.”

“Excellent.” With that, the floor rose and the stone unfolded around Agatha, revealing the anxious faces of her companions. The Castle continued smugly, “I’m so glad we had this little talk.”

“Anything else you want?” Agatha asked it sarcastically.

“Well, one simply can’t have too many weathervanes…”

“Okay,” Gil looked grim. “We all heard it, so what are we going to do?”

Tarvek nodded. “You said you had a new plan?”

Agatha shrugged. “The Castle isn’t giving us a choice. Now I’ve got an idea I want to work on, while you two—” She leaned in and breathed the words “distract it,” before straightening up and continuing in a louder voice, “find us a place to set up!”

Tarvek looked thoughtful.

Gil muttered, “Wait, so you still want us to—”

The blow caught him completely by surprise. “You!” Tarvek roared. Then he paused and thought for a minute. “Um—Do what she says! Don’t argue!”

“Hey! What was that for?” Gil yelled.

Tarvek rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I tire of this charade!” he screamed to the air. “The Lady Heterodyne is mine! And I will prove it, by stomping this lout into the dirt!”

Gil gave a slow grin. “Oh. Yeah, I guess we can do that.”

“Oh. Oh, my. Can it be Christmas?” the Castle asked in wonder.

“Nah,” Tarvek told it. “I’m just going to senselessly pound him.”

“Ah!” The Castle thrilled. “Mindless violence! What a good boy!”

“Ho, yeah. Merry Christmas to me.” Gil gloated. His eyes were wild and his voice was resonant with the Spark. He crouched and stared at Tarvek. “It is so on.”

“Yesss! That’s the spirit!” the Castle cheered. “Oh, well done, my lady! They will both do nicely!”

A vision of Gil tossing aside Doctor Merlot’s clank flashed before Agatha’s eyes. “Tarvek! No! You don’t want to do this!”

Tarvek grinned. “Agatha! Oh, I really do! Now come! Before you flee to spare your delicate sensibilities, bestow a final favor upon your chosen warrior!” He pulled her backwards against him with one arm. “That’s me!” he stage-whispered.

Agatha whispered desperately. “You don’t understand! Gil—”

Tarvek pecked her on the cheek and whispered into her ear. “Tell Wulfenbach I won’t really hurt him. Not permanently.”

Agatha tried to turn in his arms. “No! He—”

Tarvek gallantly spun her into Gil’s arms. “Now, bid this churl farewell!” he cried.

Gil held her against him and laughed. “I’m going to turn you inside out, Sturmvarous,” he vowed. “It’ll be an improvement!”

“No!” Agatha whispered. “He says he won’t hurt you!”

Gil looked momentarily impressed. “Wow. I guess he is smart!” he growled. “Yessss! If I rip his heart out, it will solve all our problems!”

Agatha stared into Gil’s maddened face. “Ah, Gil, please don’t kill him.”

“Shh. It’ll be a great diversion!” Gil whispered.

He tossed Agatha out of the way.

“Gil!” she shouted. “You’re the one who said you’re supposed to stay calm!”

“I said relatively calm! Now stand back! I don’t want to get his blood all over you.” Gil took hold of the largest cable that connected him to Tarvek, and began to pull it toward him.

Agatha gave up. She turned to Violetta and Fraulein Snaug, who appeared to be settling in comfortably to watch the show. “Snaug, where are those parts you ferried down?”

Snaug was disappointed. “Aw…Now?”

Agatha grit her teeth. “Right now!”

Snaug dashed off. Before Agatha followed, she faced the fighters. “Don’t forget, you idiots! If you break those cables, I won’t have to kill you!”

Tarvek ignored her, and assumed a ridiculous boxer’s stance. “Ha!” he called out. “Come now, thou villain, and receive the thrashing you so richly deserve!”

Gil grinned at him lazily, and strode toward him, only to land in a crumpled heap on the ground.

“For shame, sirrah,” Tarvek said with exaggerated horror. “What are you doing? Must you always make a spectacle of yourself?”

Confused, Gil sat up. “Uh…”

Violetta blinked. “What the…”

Gil got to his feet. “I must’ve…”

“Tripped over your great clumsy feet?” Tarvek executed a mincing little shuffle step as he shadow-boxed. “Tch. At least try to face me like a gentleman.” He turned away haughtily, “Although why you should be expected to start now, I—”

Gil lunged, and his foot skidded out from under him. He crashed over a toolbox.

Tarvek looked embarrassed and offered Gil a hand up.

“I don’t believe it,” Violetta breathed.

Von Zinzer had made himself comfortable next to Violetta. He frowned. “Am I missing something?”

Gil batted Tarvek’s hand away. He spun to his feet and immediately folded back down, clutching his stomach.

“Ow!” Tarvek bleated, “My elbow! You ran right into it! Oooh! That smarts!”

Gil paused. “Wait a minute…”

“All through our training,” Violetta said in wonder, “That useless lump just sat around doodling girls and clockwork. But…those moves…” Her voice sharpened in outraged accusation. “He was paying attention after all!”

Gil looked at Tarvek as though he were seeing him for the first time. “You! You’re doing this on purpose.”

Tarvek gave a final little clownish skip and then settled into watchful stillness. “Aw! You figured it out. Much faster than I thought you would, too.”

Gil shook his head in admiration as he climbed to his feet. “Well done. You really had me fooled. I completely underestimated you.” He clapped his hands together. “And now, it’s your turn.”

Tarvek continued to grin. “What? I already got you three times! But I’ll cheerfully do it—” As he spoke, his foot snapped upward to where Gil’s face had been. But Gil had vanished. Tarvek felt a tap upon his shoulder. “No, no, no,” Gil said.

Tarvek whirled in place, his hands and feet scything through empty air.

“It’s your turn…” Gil said from near the floor.

Tarvek leapt back.

“…to underestimate…” The sound of Gil’s voice came from directly overhead.

Tarvek looked up while dropping into a squat.

“…me!”

And suddenly, there was Gil, also squatting, his grinning face centimeters from Tarvek’s own. He tapped Tarvek’s forehead with his forefinger. Tarvek went tumbling over backwards.

Gil rose to his feet and smiled down at him. “And that’s four. So now that we’ve got that all settled—”

Tarvek reached up and grabbed hold of Gil’s arm. “Forget finesse,” he growled, his own voice finally rising into the tones of the Spark. “I’ll just pound you, after all, like the worm you are!”

Suddenly, Gil was flying through the air. He twisted and his feet smacked into the wall. “That was surprising,” he admitted. He then launched himself back and sent Tarvek sprawling. “But then, I shouldn’t really be surprised, should I? You always were an underhanded fake.”

Tarvek’s foot connected with Gil’s jaw. He wrapped the cable that connected them around Gil’s neck. “Oh, and I suppose wallowing in the gutters of Paris was your idea of authenticity?” he snarled with a nasty grin. “Sooo Bohemian.”

Gil spun himself free. His fist barely missed Tarvek’s nose. “I had my reasons,” he roared.

“Well, sure!” Tarvek had to leap to avoid the leg sweep Gil aimed at him. “All your lowlife friends were there!” he roared back.

They collapsed, panting and glaring.

“Snitch,” Tarvek huffed.

“Sneak,” Gil wheezed back.

They rose to their knees and feebly tried to attack again.

“Libertine!” Tarvek growled weakly.

“Fop!” Gil shot back.

Tarvek’s head thudded to the floor. “I…I’d heard you could fight…I don’t feel so good…”

Gil tried to sneer, but realized that he lacked the strength to curl his lip. “You…you’re…pretty good…for a…a spoiled aristo…but this is…”

Suddenly, their chest devices were hooting urgently. Red lights flashed.

Tarvek looked worried. “Uh-oh…”

Gil poked weakly at the dials. “Maybe this wasn’t…um…the best plan we ever…”

The Castle had apparently been following their every move. “Plan?” it asked suspiciously. “What plan?”

“My plan!” Agatha shouted. She eyed Gil and Tarvek. “Or, at least, a small, inelegant, poorly thought-out part of it.”

Tarvek looked contrite. “Sorry.”

“I think we overdid it a bit,” mumbled Gil.

“Maybe just a bit, but it worked,” Agatha said.

She looked back to Snaug, who stood beside a new device, its belts spinning and coils glowing. Snaug gave her a thumbs-up signal.

She handed Tarvek a chest device similar to the ones he and Gil wore. “Here. Hook this up for all three of us.”

“NO!” the Castle screamed, “I told you! I forbid it!” The scream was broken into mechanical stutters, rising and falling in volume.

“Listen to you!” Agatha fumed. “You’re falling apart!”

“I see I must. Remove the problem. At the source!” the Castle sputtered. The instability in the voice was getting worse.

“That doesn’t sound good…” Tarvek began…

“Such. A pity…” it mourned.

There was a shudder in the stones around them. Gil grabbed Tarvek and rolled them both aside, just as a ceiling block crashed to the ground.

“They really are…” The Castle sent another stone dropping toward them as they dodged furiously,

“So entertaining…but ultimately…” A bolt of energy struck the ground as Tarvek grabbed Gil and leapt aside. “…they are replaceable.”

The Castle’s voice had deteriorated to a broken, echoing whisper. It sounded like three Castles, whose speech was overlapping slightly.

“NO!” Agatha screamed, as she threw a switch on the new machine. “They are not replaceable!” She threw a second lever. “But you—you are!”

There was a roar of electrical discharge. The Castle gave a ghastly, drawn-out shriek, shook to its deepest foundations, then abruptly cut off into silence.

_______________

⁸⁰ Just how Sparks are able to warp the laws of time and motion (among others) has never been successfully analyzed. People who try to carefully watch them report suffering a sort of cognitive dissonance where they simply cannot remember what happened even though it happened right in front of them. These, as it turns out, are the lucky ones, as most people who get too close to a Spark who is happily building something tend to wake up and realize that they have become components.

⁸¹ Herr Tyldon Üglemaach of Belarus could never quite believe, even right up until the very end, that not everyone liked molasses as much as he did.

⁸² Empire records show that the battle against the Black Mist Raiders, which military historians have called “The most dangerous game of chess in history,” took over three years and led to the death of almost a hundred of the Empire’s Intelligence officers. The scene of their final battle, the shadow-town secretly built by Klaus to lure Teufel in for their final battle, East Zagreb, remains uninhabitable to this day.

⁸³ In the Autonomy of Architecture (Rupert-Karls-Universitàt Heidelberg Publikationen), Hristo Tiktoffen laid out reasons why some buildings should remain pristine, as designed by their architects. Many great buildings, designed by geniuses, are subsequently remodeled, for a plethora of bad reasons, to their detriment. Tiktoffen dared to dream of buildings equipped with defenses, much like the immune systems of living bodies, except instead of antigens, these would eliminate poor aesthetic choices. There are those who think this idea insane. These are people who have never walked through a Renaissance palace infested with shag rugs.

⁸⁴ The Lady Teodora Vodenicharova. She was married to the Heterodyne Boys’ father, Saturn Heterodyne, as part of a deal to save her kingdom from being exterminated, which was typical Heterodyne courting behavior. An astonishingly strong-willed and capable woman, she managed to defy Saturn Heterodyne on an almost daily basis. Not only was she allowed to live, but by all accounts, he was still in love with her to the end. She refused to live within the Castle, and insisted on raising her sons outside of its day-to-day influence as well. She waged a never-ending campaign to prevent Bill and Barry from being molded to their father’s ways, with astonishing success. When it became obvious that she had succeeded, Saturn swore to kill them both and try anew. Teodora killed him and was herself subsequently killed by the Castle, but died knowing that her sons were safe. Volumes have been written about her charisma, strength of will, nobility of spirit, and simple courage. Sadly, they are written by shoddy pretenders to true academia and are rife with inadequate research, unattributed sources, faulty indexing, and poor spelling, and thus are not included in these classes. Less than twelve years after her death, five of the seven recognized Popes concurred, and she has been declared a Martyr, canonized as Saint Teodora of Transylvania, Patron Saint of Those Who Fall Afoul of Sparks.

⁸⁵ This is the sort of thing that causes Heterodyne scholars to drink heavily whenever nit-picky scientific journals insist on things like “dates” and “authentication”.

⁸⁶ The Baghdad Salamander is one of most fascinating archeological finds of the last hundred years. Tentatively dated from somewhere between 250 B.C to A.D 500, chemical and metallurgical tests have definitively shown that the device was a functioning battery built over a millennium before anyone else produced anything even remotely similar. While its true purpose is unknown, across the device’s base was a contemporary inscription which dared those “of an unbelieving and barbarous nature, who would mock the mental abilities of the device’s creator, to kiss the lizard.”