A Dark, Distorted Mirror. Volume 4. A Future, Born in Pain

Part 4 : A Future, Born in Pain.

It hurts.

I had expected it to hurt. I had expected pain. But not this kind of pain.

My heart aches.

It hurts.

The physical pain is.... bearable. There is a burning, and a dull, soft ache. I was not sure what to expect of this. I do not think anyone knew what to expect of this. I am, after all, unique. I mean to say, I am unique in my biology. We are all unique in our souls. All life is unique.

All life is valued and is to be treasured, especially that of an innocent, of a child....

Of a baby.

I did not know. I tried to tell Welles that, but I do not think he wanted to listen. I did not know! How could I? I have never been.... pregnant before. It is very different among my.... former.... people. Lyta told me some things, but that was a long time ago.

Besides, I was on Z'ha'dum and time is.... different there.

I did not know!

Please.... someone.... believe me....

I can see his anger. He was furious, barely restraining it behind a mask of civility. I have seen the same thing in our warriors, just before they go into battle. It is the death rage.

"Why did you not tell me?!" he roared.

Tell you what?

"For God's sake, why didn't you tell me? I might have been able to do something. Maybe.... if I'd known.... But....

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Tell you what?

"You know. You must know. I'm going to.... I've done.... terrible things. Horrible things, but this....

"Never this.

"I've never done this!

"Why didn't you tell me?"

What? What is happening? What is wrong?

And then he told me, two simple words that shook me.

I did not know. Please, believe me. I did not know.

"You're pregnant."

This said, his anger did not abate. He continued, pacing up and down. I could not move, bound as I was My muscles were aching, but I did not feel it. All I could hear was his voice.

"You're pregnant.

"The medical tests showed that. That was one of the first things they discovered. They aren't finished, but they thought it best to wait for further orders. The doctors.... they know what is going to have to happen. They're practically champing at the bit. This is.... a unique opportunity, after all."

What will happen?

"Don't be so stupid!

"Can't you guess?"

Can I?

"You are going to be put on trial for war crimes. It will take.... time before....

"Before the trial can be prepared. Months. By that time.... it'll be obvious to everyone....

"Assuming your pregnancy is the same as a human one. It.... seems as if it is, so far....

"Ah! What does that matter? Listen, it'll take months before you go on trial, and it'll be obvious by then that you're pregnant. We can't exactly say we've been overfeeding you in here and you've put on weight!

"God, you might even have given birth by then.

"Pregnancy.... well, that happens to normal women. Human women. Normal people.

"It doesn't happen to war criminals, alien freaks of nature....

"I'm sorry.... I didn't.... You're not a freak.... You....

"Damn!

"Anyway. Pregnancy happens to normal people. If you go on the stand pregnant.... well.... you're not a war criminal or a.... whatever.... then. You're a normal person. You're just like over fifty percent of the human population then. You're not a murderer, you're a.... woman.

"The bleeding heart liberals are going to get hold of that and start bleating on about human rights and so on....

"It'll muddy things too much. This has got to be straightforward and simple. You're a murderer, a war criminal, an alien.... a monster.

"The.... the thing in your body is going to complicate that. It's going to complicate too many things. Fortunately.... as with any complicated situation, there's a simple solution."

What are you going to do?

"We're going to kill your baby, of course."

What?

"We're going to kill your baby. Well, the technical term is abortion, but I really don't care about semantics at the moment. We're going to murder your baby, and then pretend it never happened. You were never pregnant.... because how can you be pregnant?

"That's a thing that happens to normal people."

You can't.

"Do you think I have a choice?"

We all have a choice.

"Damn it! Listen to me! I've spent every single minute of every single day since you came to Earth doing horrible things for the good of humanity. Now maybe they weren't all necessary, but I wasn't the one to make that choice!

"I obey my President...."

Please.... you said....

You said you had a plan, allies.... you could do something.

"What? Rescue you? Do you honestly think that is an option?

"Do you think I haven't thought of that? Don't you think I'd rather do anything at all than go through with this?

"I'm not ready. We're not ready. If I'd known before.... if I'd had some warning, a chance to prepare, if we hadn't found this out so late, then maybe....

"Maybe....

"But I didn't, and there is no good at all worrying about maybes.

"Clark knows about this. He got a copy of the medical report the instant I did.

"He's told me in no uncertain terms. Your baby is going to die. You were never pregnant."

And if.... if anyone finds out?

"No one will believe it. No one wants to believe it. People are stupid, brainless, selfish morons!

"They only believe what they want to believe, and they want to believe that you are a monster, that I'm a hero.... that....

"They don't care what happens to you. I'm probably the only person on this whole planet who does.... and I can't do anything."

Help me.... please....

"I can't do anything....

"I'm sorry.

"I'm so sorry.

"I can't do anything."

Wait!

"What?"

My baby....

Is it.... a boy or a girl?

"No.

"No, don't ask yourself that question. It's a mass of cells. For God's sake, don't start thinking of it as a real person, or it'll break you."

A boy or a girl?

"No!"

Tell me!

"No!"

You're going to kill my baby! Tell me!

"....

"A boy.

"It's a boy.

"Your baby's a boy."

A boy.

A son.

My son.

John's son.

Our son.

Oh, Valen.... John!

I didn't know, John! I didn't know! I promise you, I didn't know! If I had known, I....

I what? Lorien told me. I chose this. I chose a life of sorrow and suffering and heartbreak, for a brighter future.

But I never chose this!

Our son!

Oh, John! I love you....

Please forgive me.

Please, understand!

They're going to kill my son.

I don't know the names of the people who are going to do this. Oh, there's Welles, and Clark, and.... John's father....

But who are the doctors? I don't know their names. I don't know who they are. Do they have people they love? Husbands, wives, children?

Will they go home after this?

The enemy wants to see me as a monster, not as a person. I....

I can't do the same. They are people.

Welles said something as he left.

"There is no act of evil that cannot be done by a fundamentally good man, Delenn.

"Believe me. I know."

Are they good men? Is Welles a good man? Clark? Do they believe that what they are doing is right?

I don't know. I wish I did,

.... but I don't.

Why should they have any doubts about what they're doing? My son is not a person to them, he's nothing more than a collection of cells. He's not even a 'he', he's an 'it'.

He is a person. He's my son. John's and my son.

A name!

He needs a name. I.... have to think....

.... of a name.

How do humans name their children? I did wonder, but I never asked....

Is there a system? Some set of rules? G'Kar told me once that Narn children are given simple, childish names until they come of age, when they choose an adult name for themselves. Do humans pick their names in the same way?

How? Is it.... based on something that happens when the child is born? A momentous event? Named after another born on that same day in the past? Named after a sight outside the birthing room?

Family? Do they.... adopt names of others in their family?

I don't know!

You must have a name, my son. I will give you a name. You....

.... can't die without a name.

I will give you a name.

What human names do I know? There are different names for males and females. Human male names....

Think!

John! John.... I like that name.

But.... can I? No.... John does not know about this baby, about his son. I cannot take his name.... not now, not like this. He does not know. It would not be fair.

Oh, John! I love you....

What other names? Oh.... William.... that is Clark's first name, isn't it? Yes, President William Clark.

What am I thinking? I can't give you that name, my son.

Marcus! Oh, Marcus.... it has been so long. I forgot you....

I am sorry. I did not.... mean to forget you. I wish I could have known you better, but when I did know you.... you believed. You did believe.

But there was.... an ill fate around you. I do not know if you were cursed, or an unfair victim of.... dark forces.... but you deserve to rest at peace now. I cannot wake you from your rest by giving your name to my son. Perhaps....

Perhaps we will meet again.

There must be another name! I.... can't....

.... think

.... of

.... any.

There must be....

What is Welles's name?

....

I do not know....

I do not know his name.

Another....

I will not let you die without a name, my son. I will not....

Commander Corwin.... what is his name?

David.

Yes.

He was John's best friend. He did not trust me, for the sins of the past.... but he helped me, and he came to like me, for John's sake.

Were you to....

.... live

.... my son, he would be your friend as well. He would be your teacher, your.... uncle.

You are David.

My David.

Our David.

You are David, son of John Sheridan and Delenn of Mir. You were conceived in love, and you will always be remembered in love.

Please....

David....

Live!

You must live! We will both love you.... your father and I. We will teach you so many things....

We will teach you about the galaxy, and about the wondrous races who live within it. We will share with you the joys of the universe, the wonders of life....

We will teach you how to love

.... how to live

.... how to....

No!

It's.... starting!

You must live, David! We love you!

Oh....

I can feel your heartbeat....

Through my fingers.... I can feel your heartbeat....

I love you, David.

We love you....

Don't die.

Please.

I can feel your heartbeat.

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Live!

Oh, David....

It hurts....

I can

feel

your

heart

beat....

No!

The last

heart

beat

stopped.