See Me

CHAPTER ELEVEN

THANKFULLY CASSIDY WAS NOT in the room when I came storming in. I didn’t want to talk. I was afraid I might cry, and that, above all, irritated the hell out of me. It was hard to see the positive in this situation. Even if he did like me, they had a history and she obviously had her mind set on him. All she had to do was touch him and he forgot me and everything else.

This dangerous little game was not a fair match. More like David and Goliath, only in this case Goliath was a small girl with big magic that could definitely kick my butt. Did I have anything in my faintly-magical human arsenal to use as a pebble and slingshot against her?

The only thing that came to mind was the fact that I could give him babies and she couldn’t, but I would never use that. I wanted him to want me, as a person, not just my Leprechaun-growing hotel.

I lit the gas lamp. Then I tore open the lid to McKale’s bin and shoved the soccer ball inside, slamming the lid shut again. Do not forget the one who has been kind to you all your life. Well, I’d dedicated my whole life to him too, and I hadn’t even known him! I kicked the bin of proof. I was the person her people had hand-picked to bind with him. Why was she interfering?

I changed into pajamas and threw my clothes as hard as I could around the room. It was immature, but it felt good.

By the time I climbed into bed and settled down, I was ready to talk to Cassidy, but she still hadn’t come back. I waited for her, running through the scene over and over in my mind. The way McKale touched her with tender familiarity and succumbed so easily to her will. Her words—telling him to stay away from me.

Geez, where was Cassidy?

I shut off the lamp. Darkness fit the mood. I must have waited for my sister a very long time because I fell asleep. I was startled awake by a shuffle and thump, followed by a loud whisper of, “Shitballs!” I sat up and fumbled for the gas lamp, finding and lighting it.

Whoa. Cassidy was a hot mess. Her clothes appeared damp and wrinkled. A lumpy pony-bun sat askew on top of her head.

“What are your clothes doing everywhere?” she asked. “I tripped over them.”

“The Freaky Fae Girl came out of the portal and ruined my date.”

“Shut up! What happened?” She came over and sank into the bed at my side while I told her everything.

After she’d called the FFG every bad name in the book, and then some creative names she’d made up on the fly, I felt the tiniest measure better.

“Why don’t you just give him the presents and show him the video so he’ll know how you really feel?”

My insides seized up at the idea of making myself vulnerable in that way. She may as well have asked why I didn’t dance a naked jig for him on one of the tables. Sure, he might like it, but then again he might think I’m a desperate fool.

When McKale explained his clan’s feelings on the importance of gifts, he had really nailed how I felt about the bin. Giving him those presents was going to be like giving him a piece of myself. I wouldn’t force my gifts on him like the FFG had done to him tonight. And I couldn’t handle it if we weren’t both honored in full by the giving and receiving of each heartfelt item.

“I can’t,” I told her. “Not right now.”

“Yeah, you’re right. He doesn’t deserve it after kissing the enemy.”

“He can’t help it. She makes him lose his mind.”

“Then why are you mad at him?”

“I don’t know.” I was shaking. “I guess I just want him to be strong enough that she won’t affect him, but I know that’s not fair. I’ve never felt this… this…” I searched for the right word.

“Vulnerable? Threatened?”

“Yes…” But I was feeling so much more than those two words.

“What else?” she asked. She scratched my back and I tried to relax.

“I don’t know. I just, I’m starting to care about him, you know?”

“Are you scared he’s gonna break your heart?”

“Maybe. I mean, I don’t think he would on purpose, but if she keeps coming after him…”

We hadn’t even kissed, and seeing him touch another girl tonight, regardless of the circumstances, burned me up inside with hurt and jealousy. On top of that I was scared for my family. I felt powerless.

“Let’s just take it day by day, ‘kay?” Cass asked.

I almost grinned at her wisdom, but my face was not up for it. Instead I whispered, “Okay.”

I almost asked Cassidy what in the world she was doing out so late, but then decided I didn’t want to know. At least not tonight.

She hugged me, smelling like fresh mud and other stream life.

“You can have first dibs on the bathtub tomorrow, chickadee,” I told her.

“You sayin’ I stink?”

“To high Heaven.”

She stood up and dropped her shorts on the floor with mine then climbed into her bed with the smelly shirt still on.

“Oh well,” she said. “Night.”

She sounded a little sad, but she was probably just tired and worried about me. I wished her goodnight and blew out the flame.

That evening I dreamed the FFG was luring McKale into the portal. I was running through the high grass, trying to get to him, but my movements were slow. Too slow. He followed her in, and the portal hung open, gaping. The two of them stood in the black hole, like a set of jaws ready to devour. I could see him, falling to his knees at her service. I screamed his name over and over, but he would not look away from her. She, however, looked right at me. And smiled.

The next week was awful and the weather didn’t help. It rained almost every day.

Mornings were spent with Leilah and Rachelle doing chore duties. If it wasn’t raining too hard Cassidy joined us. I’d really gotten the hang of it all, and some of the older women now acknowledged me and spoke to me in the kitchens. One even made an apron my size.

My favorite job was collecting eggs early in the morning. It was neat to stick my hand into the beds of straw in the hen house, wondering if my fingers would encounter a smooth shell.

McKale and I hadn’t spoken. Not really. When my parents invited him to eat meals with us I greeted him and kept my face expressionless. I had to look at him, otherwise my parents would get suspicious, but the moment his eyes began to plead with mine, I looked away. I was torn between being wary of getting closer to him, and wishing he would seek me out and bare his soul. This inner turmoil made me grumpy.

My parents weren’t dumb, and they knew me too well. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hide my mood. They planned picnics and walks for us as a family, attempting to cheer me or make me talk. Even when it was raining.

On the fifth day while thick clouds hovered above, we had a picnic dinner in a small flowery glen. Dad began walking around and pointing out different plants and herbs. He kept breaking off leaves and rubbing them between his fingers for us to smell. The fragrances were strong, spicy, and sweet. He peeled open a root of one and walked over to where I sat on the damp blanket. When he held it under my nose, an image of McKale’s shy smile came to mind. I closed my eyes.

“Licorice root,” Dad said. “You chew on it to extract the flavor. It’s too tough to eat.” Using a knife to cut off the outer layer, he handed me the bit of root like a candy stick. So this was what McKale often nibbled. When Dad turned around I tossed the thing away.

“It’s wonderful in tea,” Mom said, stretching out next to me.

“How do you know all of this?” Cassidy asked Dad.

“McKale’s been teaching me.”

My head snapped up. “He has? When?”

Dad plopped down next to me in the grass, not caring that it was wet. “We’ve taken a few walks together. He’s a smart boy. Has an eye for botany.”

It kind of warmed my heart that he’d been spending time with Dad. I pushed aside that nice thought and told myself not to care.

“I think it’s a shame that he sits all alone at meals,” Mom said. “Nobody pays him any mind.”

“Yes, it’s a shame,” Dad agreed. “I think bad habits have formed over the years, and it doesn’t help that McKale’s introverted. Somewhere along the line he closed himself off to relationships with the others, so he’s partially to blame for having no friends.”

“He does have a friend,” Cass said.

“Who? That Clourichaun boy?” Mom asked. “I imagine it’s not the same as having a close friend in his own clan, though. The Clour don’t share the same work ethic as the Chaun.”

“The Clour have responsibilities in their clan,” Cassidy said. “I mean, I assume they do, because otherwise how could they live. You know?”

“Doing the bare minimum to get by is a little different than having a hard-working, productive society,” Dad told her. “It may seem sexist the way the Chaun have rigid responsibilities for the men and women, but each individual’s role is important. Everyone benefits from one another’s hard work.”

Cassidy didn’t contradict or say anything else.

“You know you can talk to us, Robyn.” Mom reached out and took my hand.

“I know,” I told her. “Thank you.”

Inside, I was a bundle of confusion. I wanted them to like McKale and I was afraid if I told them what happened with the FFG, they would get upset all over again. I didn’t want to incite “Protective Dad Mode” and I wasn’t sure how much we needed to worry at this point.

Eventually the sky darkened and the rain started again, so we gathered our things and began walking back to the village. Mom and Dad took the lead, swinging their linked hands back and forth. None of us were bothered by the soft sprinkles. We’d gotten used to being rained on.

“Good job playing hard to get with McKale,” Cassidy whispered as we walked.

“That’s not really what I’m trying to do.”

“Well, it’s working. He just stares when you play soccer and when you dance at the festivals.”

“Maybe he’s staring because he can’t believe he’s betrothed to an Amazon woman.”

“Oh, please.” Cassidy laughed. “If you saw the way he was looking, it’s more like he’s caught between whether or not to punch something or eat you up.”

“Whatever.” I really did not want to get my hopes up.

“It’s not his fault the FFG’s stalking him.”

“I know, but…” But what? “You didn’t see them together.”

“His body has an auto-response to her magic, Robyn. You should be pulling him closer not pushing him away.”

I grunted. The fact of the matter was that the FFG was a problem, and she wasn’t going away. I couldn’t seem to stop my instinct of self-preservation.

“Let’s find the guys and hang out with them tonight!” Cassidy hopped a little as she walked by my side.

“No, Cass. I’m tired and it’s raining. I just want to go to bed.”

She exhaled dramatically and flopped her arms down at her side. “Are you, like, depressed or something?”

I bristled. I didn’t want to be depressed, but maybe I was. And at the moment Cassidy’s pushiness made me feel unreasonably annoyed.

“I’m honestly tired,” I said. “I get up early and work all day, while some people get to sleep in because they stayed out all night playing.”

“Hey, I help out sometimes. And you don’t have to bite my head off, geez. I’m just surprised by how you’re acting. I mean, if you want to give up so easily, that’s your prerogative.”

“I’m not giving up. But I’m also not getting involved in whatever game McKale and the FFG are playing. He hasn’t even tried to talk to me. I don’t expect you to understand. You’re in a pressure-free relationship with a guy who doesn’t have a life-sized murderous Barbie telling him to stay away from you.”

Up ahead, Mom turned to glance at us and we smiled automatically, lowering our voices.

“Well, if it was me, I’d fight for him. That’s all I’m saying.”

“How do you fight a Fae, Cass? You can’t! Even if I somehow make him really want me, I can’t make her stop wanting him!”

“I was only trying to talk, sheesh. Calm down and take a Midol,” she grumbled, quickening her footsteps until she was alongside our parents.

I sighed and crossed my arms, walking alone. I hated these ugly feelings and I knew I was taking it out on the people I loved. This was not me. Something had to give. Soon.

On the tenth morning after the date that didn’t happen, I smiled to myself and placed a warm brown egg into the basket on my arm. It was the first dry morning, which lifted my spirits. Preparing to reach into the straw and feel for another, I caught sight of something moving on the other side of the fence that was bigger than any farm animal. I stood abruptly, banging my head on the top of the hen house and making a chicken squawk and flap her wings.

“Ow. Sorry,” I said to the hen. Then I stooped to set down my basket. Through the slats in the wood I spied McKale’s profile and my stomach flipped. The hen stared up at me like she was wondering what I was waiting for. I took a deep breath and ducked out of the hen house to face him.

I looked at him openly, hoping he would see that I was glad for his visit. And insanely relieved that he’d sought me out.

He stood there shifting his feet, his arms behind his back. His sideburns stuck out more than usual, like he hadn’t bothered to trim them. I took no satisfaction knowing this situation was affecting his grooming. But maybe if he let himself go long enough the FFG would lose interest. Ha.

“Are you on your way to work?” I asked.

“Aye,” he whispered, more gruff than usual.

In a slow movement, he pulled his hands from behind his back and held out a tiny woven basket brimming with plump strawberries and blackberries. “I brought ye something, Robyn.”

My heart sputtered.

He held the berries out to me in the palm of his long hand. I reached out and took his offering, pulling it gently against my chest.

I’d never seen any berries in the kitchens. There were mostly breads and proteins in there. Fruits and veggies were picked outside and eaten at will, like snacks. I noted the slight way McKale’s hand shook, and the look of anticipation in his eyes as he watched me, waiting. It was then that it hit me.

This was a gift.

“Thank you,” I whispered, feeling everything that had hardened inside of me softening again, that easily. Guilt for avoiding him punched me from the inside and I felt horrible for the wall I’d built around myself.

A relieved huff of air blew from his lips and he put his hands on his hips, hanging his head.

“I’d best be on my way,” he said.

“Wait.” I stepped forward, but I had no idea what to do or say. What happens now? Movies and books always made it seem so easy to open up and talk to someone you liked. But in real life it was so, so hard.

“Have you seen her again since that night?” Of all the questions I could have asked him, this was the one I didn’t even want to know the answer to. Why was I torturing myself? It was bad enough that I’d lie in bed every night imagining her sneaking through the portal and slipping into his room.

McKale’s forehead tightened at the question and he hesitantly met my eyes. “No.”

“You know you can’t have us both,” I whispered, feeling courageous.

I almost told him that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too, but he probably wouldn’t understand the old adage. It was a stupid saying anyway.

McKale looked tense enough to bolt at any second, but I was all geared up now, so I kept going with nothing to lose.

“I need you to know, McKale, that I want this to work. I like you—”

“Robyn…” The tone of his voice was laced with layer upon layer of “I don’t believe you,” and it frustrated me.

“Why is that so hard to believe?”

He stared downward, running a hand over his face while I questioned him.

“When you were growing up, didn’t you ever wonder about me? About what I’d be like? Didn’t you ever get excited that it could be good?”

I knew he was way out of his comfort zone, but I didn’t care. He opened his mouth and paused a second before blurting, “Aye, Robyn, I wondered. And I assumed you would dread the arrangement as much as I. No female had ever shown interest in me until…”

I closed my eyes and held up my free palm like a stop sign. “Until her.” Familiar envy churned, but I forged ahead. “You might have been dreading our binding, but that doesn’t mean I was. Some day I’ll make you believe me. I’ll prove it to you.”

“You needn’t prove anything. Ye’ve already surpassed my every expectation.”

“Only because your expectations were so low.”

He winced.

The morning chores weren’t complete, however I needed to take advantage of this moment while I was feeling brave.

“Come with me,” I told him. Still clutching the basket of berries to my chest, I headed toward my hut with McKale following, silent.

“Wait right here,” I said when I got to my room and he nodded. “I’ll be right back.”

Cassidy sat up groggily in her bed.

“Whatcha doin’?” she asked.

I bent down to the bin, opening it and taking out the soccer ball. I felt a rush of excitement mixed with nerves. Cassidy’s eyes got huge and she perked up.

“You’re giving it to him?”

“Yep. Get dressed and come help me with the animals in a little bit. I’ll tell you everything.”

She fell back on the bed, kicking and punching the air. “Yes! Yes! Finally!”

I left the room smiling. When I saw McKale leaning against the wall of our hut it was my turn to feel shy and uncertain. He eyed the ball with curiosity as he came to stand in front of me.

“I guess you haven’t heard of the World Cup, have you?” He shook his head, so I briefly explained how it worked. As I held his interest and attention it hit me all at once how much I’d missed him. He crossed his arms and listened as I told him about the game we’d attended.

As he stared down at the ball in my hands, his arms uncrossed and fell to his sides. It was hard to breathe, I was so nervous. When he finally looked at me I had to grit my teeth against a wave of emotion. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were definitely shining, and his face wore an emotion of awe and disbelief.

“It’s for you, McKale.” I held out my offering, just as he’d done. I was awarded with an adorably boyish grin.

“Truly?”

“Yes. It’s been yours for a long time. And if you accept it, I want you to use it. Have fun with it.”

He reached out and placed a hand on each side of the ball, but didn’t take it yet.

“I’m honored to accept this gift from ye, Robyn.” His eyes were bright and the walls around my heart were smashed to pieces.

“I’m honored that you will accept it.” I swallowed hard as he took the ball from me. “And maybe we can play together?”

“I’d like that very much,” he said.

“Have a good day at work,” I whispered.

I clasped my hands behind my back. He gave me a small bow and ambled away, absorbed in every detail of the ball. But when he got to the corner he stopped to glance back. I stood still, soaking in the look of him. That brief glimpse of gratitude spoke volumes to my heart. Come what may, I would not be avoiding him again.