The Worry Wart

Wilbur dragged himself to work, and to his desk, where he took out the pink stuff and swigged down a couple of swallows right from the bottle. He opened his top desk drawer and checked his supply of antacid tablets—still a couple of dozen rolls in there—that should last him most of the week. He put a couple rolls in his pocket and flipped on his computer. Now he was ready for work.

The Federal Responsibility Act of 2001 (the “Worry Wart law”) had mandated that for every company in the US of A, every employee of each company had the right to know who was responsible for worrying about whatever problems they might encounter at the job site.

At General Hazardous Waste Disposal Company, that man was Wilbur.

Mondays were the worst. It seemed that half the employees would go home on Friday dedicated to thinking of something that was a problem so they could hit Wilbur with it on Monday. Of course, the federally mandated whistle-blowers prizes were quite lucrative.

Sure enough, as his monitor started to glow, Wilbur saw he already had three concerns waiting for him. He noted where, nervously swiped his pocket to confirm that the antacid rolls were there, then went out the door.

His first stop was to see Mike in shipping and receiving. Mike had been around for years, and seldom had any concerns. As an old hand, he remembered the days when employees would take some initiative in worrying about their own problems. Not like a lot of the newer guys, of whom there were always plenty. GenHazCo had a rather high turnover rate—lots of their hirees seemed to get sick a lot.

“What’s the problem, Mike?” Wilbur asked as he hit the loading dock.

“It’s the pallet jack, Wilbur. See, the wheel is coming loose. I can still use it, but I’m afraid one of these days it will come off and I’ll spill a barrel or something.” Wilbur looked at the wheel, made a note on his pad, and said, “Thanks for bringing this to my attention. It’s not your worry anymore—it’s mine.”

Wilbur’s next stop was in the information services department. “OK, Stu, what can I do for you?”

“Oh, hello, Wilbur. Glad you came so early. We discovered recently that there’s a glitch in our tracking software. This weekend we found out a load of barium went to the old landfill and a barrel of outdated shampoo went to the hazardous waste containment site.”

“Boy, that’s a humdinger, all right. Were they mad over at hazardous waste?”

“Sure were. But I told them I wasn’t paid to worry about that problem.”

“That’s right—I am,” Wilbur said. He popped a couple of antacid tablets in his mouth and jotted down another note in his book.

His final stop of the morning was over in the high-level nuclear waste stabilization section. That part of the plant was kind of neat, Wilbur thought as he walked past the rows of big, cylindrical tanks outside. He remembered when they were all shiny white. Now, most of them could use a couple of coats of paint over the rust spots.

A new man was in charge there, some Pete Switzer. Of course, there seemed always to be someone new over in the radiation section—their turnover rate was awful.

Wilbur reentered the building, turned a corner, and heard shouting.

“Look at that tank over there!” Pete was screaming at an underling. “I can see the crack in it from here,” he said, pointing out the window. “I told you to drain it an hour ago!”

“But that’s not my job,” the underling protested. “The tank drainer guys come in at ten. The union says I can’t even touch those tanks out there until they’re already drained.”

“If that tank isn’t taken care of soon, we’re going to dump ten thousand gallons of high-level liquid nuclear waste right into this office!”

“I’m not paid to worry about that!” the underling said, then he spotted Wilbur standing there watching the exchange, pointed at him and said, “He is!”

Screeeeech! It was the sound of tearing metal.

“Oh my God!” a secretary screamed. “Stuff is pouring out of that round tank thingy over there!”

“OK!” Pete hollered at Wilbur. “So you’re paid to worry about these things?”

“That’s right, dammit!” Wilbur said, finally asserting himself. He’d really had enough of these new guys being such hotheads.

“So what are you going to do about that?” Pete asked, pointing to the tank with a torrent of raw liquid nuclear waste glowing and flowing forth, down the pavement and pooling by the window.

“Do?” Wilbur asked.