Teeny-Tiny Techno-Tactics

Illustration by Laura Freas

I could barely see my desk beneath the manuscripts. There were about three dozen universes sitting on my desk—universes that I had no desire to visit—and I had to pick one of them and put it into production. I sighed heavily, took another gulp of coffee, and started to hack my way through the slush pile.

I quickly rejected a universe inhabited by talking cats who went on a magical quest to find an enchanted scratching-post. I eliminated a universe occupied by flying unicorns and singing dragons; the unicorns flew and the dragons sang, but nobody did very much. I obliterated a water-planet inhabited by telepathic lesbian dolphins. I rather spitefully nixed a universe which (its author informed me in a portentous cover letter) was Book One of a forthcoming trilogy. The author had written only Book One of the saga, and it consisted entirely of plot setups and character developments that were intended to whet my appetite for the impending sequels. No such luck.

Next came a science fiction novel that wasn’t really science fiction, but the author obviously thought it was science fiction because he had stuck the prefix “cyber-” on every noun in his novel. It was something about a cyberboy and his cyberdog who went on a cybertrip to… that’s as far as I got. Then came a load of sword-and-sorcery drivel from an author who evidently thought that her prose would sound exotic if she transposed all her nouns and adjectives. The book was about a Sorceress Enchanted who went on a Quest Perilous to a Fortress Invincible to fight a Wizard Malevolent. I gave her a Slip Rejection.

My assistant readers, as usual, were no help at all. Tucked inside the cardboard box with every manuscript was a typed report by whichever one of my underlings had done the first read-through before kicking the manuscript upstairs to me. I didn’t bother reading the reports; I knew from past experience that most of them boiled down to a four-page essay on the theme of “THIS STINKS.”

Adding to my agony was the memo I’d received this morning from our VP of production. I was trapped in the publishing world’s version of “We don’t want it good; we want it Tuesday.” One of the mass-market imprints in our glutcorp had missed a deadline. Our spring list was about to go to press with a gaping chest-wound where a new title should have been. The editorial board had decided to jump on me to pick up the slack for someone else’s lapse. They made their position painfully clear, we ve got a business to run here; we ship product on schedule, and we meet that schedule even if the product is hackwork. The editorial board gave me a direct order: my division had to acquire a novel by 5 P.M. today, no backchat. Get it into production and get the author under contract by the end of the week.

Some other time, I would have jumped at the chance to make one extra editorial acquisition above my usual quota. But right now, none of the slush pile manuscripts in my inventory deserved to see the light of day. I took another look among the drivel: I would be genuinely ashamed to ship any of these novels into bookstores with my imprint’s logo on the spine. I’d worked hard to build a top-quality imprint, and I didn’t want to betray my readers by slipping a stinker into the midlist just to keep my bosses happy.

I took another gulp of coffee, just as Wendy came in to empty my OUT basket and refill my IN basket. The latest arrival was a 9-by-12 brown manila envelope, about an eighth of an inch thick. When I was editing short stories for the magazine markets, I got a lot of brown manila envelopes in the mail. Now that I’m a book editor, my mail comes in only two forms. I get legal-size windowpane envelopes for contracts and royalty statements, and I get humongous big cardboard boxes containing book-length manuscripts or the galley proofs from same. I seldom get anything else. But now here was a flat manila envelope on my desk. There couldn’t possibly be a novel in there, but I recognized the logo on the return address label: Scott Richards was one of the best literary agents alive and out of jail at the moment, and he was also an old friend of mine. Anything that he saw fit to send me in a manila envelope was bound to be more interesting than the unagented junk that came over my transom.

I slit open the envelope eagerly, reached inside, and… ouch! Paper cuts are an occupational hazard for editors, and Scott’s letter had sliced open my thumb. The blood wasn’t much; I pressed my thumb against the paper napkin from my coffee cup as I tore open the manila envelope.

What the hell was this? Scott had sent me a one-page letter, handwritten under his letterhead. So why didn’t he just fold it and stuff it into a legal-size envelope? For some reason, Scott had paper-clipped his letter to one of those white cardboard stiffener sheets that some people use when they want to send mailings out flat, so the edges don’t get bent in the mail. The edge of the cardboard was what I’d cut my thumb on; I glanced at the cardboard accusingly, and…

What the double hell was this? Somebody had actually typed on the sheet of cardboard; neat typewriting, double-spaced. I keep up with the new desktop hardware, but I don’t know any brand of typewriter or printer that can output text on a piece of cardboard without curling it. Even a sheet-fed printer couldn’t handle it. As I picked up the piece of cardboard, I turned it over and I saw more typing on the back.

That did it. Plenty of amateur authors who don’t know any better will type their manuscripts on both sides of the paper, but what kind of idiot manages to type on both sides of a sheet of cardboard? And why was Scott Richards, who had a dozen bestselling authors on his client list, wasting his time (and mine) with cardboard amateurs? I would have chucked the thing into my dumpfile, unread, if it hadn’t come from Scott’s agency.

My thumb still tingled from the paper cut. I put the cardboard aside, and I picked up the cover sheet bearing Scott’s familiar letterhead and handwriting. It was addressed to me:

Dear Sam: I enclose Nano Nanette, a brilliant new science fiction novel by Max Porlock, my agency’s newest client. You’ve never heard of him, but he’s got the goods. Let’s do lunch some time. There was the usual sign-off, and that was all.

Something was wrong. Scott’s note was obviously intended as a cover letter, to be sent out with the manuscript of a novel. One of his assistants must have clipped his letter to this cardboard thing instead, and mailed the cardboard to me by mistake. Whatever this sheet of cardboard was, it sure as hell couldn’t be the manuscript of a complete novel… even though the author had typed on both sides of the cardboard. I picked it up and glanced idly at the first line:

NANO NANETTE. A novel by Max Porlock.

Oh, hell. This was a two-page synopsis of a novel, very unprofessionally presented. Did Scott Richards seriously expect me to offer a book contract to an unknown author, on the basis of a two-page synopsis? Typed on cardboard?

Just for a break in my routine, I picked up the sheet of cardboard in my right hand and started to read the typing on its upper surface.

It wasn’t a synopsis after all. It was the start of a novel; the opening page. The author’s narrative and dialogue were adequate. The typing was crisp and legible, without any errors. I read the first side of the sheet of cardboard effortlessly, then flipped it over with an easy clockwise motion of both hands and started reading the second page. The second page was better than the first; I got to the end, then flipped it over to read the third page. At the bottom of the third page, I flipped it over again to read the fourth page…

Wait a minute!

I checked the folio in the upper-right-hand corner of the cardboard. Sure enough: it said page four. But I was holding a sheet of cardboard that had only TWO sides!

I flipped it over again, to the other side of the sheet, turning the page in both hands with the same clockwise motion. This time the folio in the top right-hand comer distinctly read page five. I turned it over again. Page six. And the typewritten words were different on each page.

On a hunch, I turned the cardboard over again with both hands. But this time I reversed my gesture, turning over page six counter-clockwise instead of clockwise. Aha! Sure enough, I had turned the manuscript back to page five. I turned it over again, same direction, and now I was back to page four, where I’d left off. I kept rotating the page, watching the folio in the corner as it counted downward from page three to page two to page one to… I flipped it over one more time. Now it claimed to be page 386. The text had changed again; this time it ended halfway down the page, and at the bottom of the page was typed THE END. Obviously I’d scrolled to the last page of the document.

I flipped the page again, reversing direction to go clockwise this time, and I found myself back on page one.

Somehow this fellow Max Porlock had stored the text of an entire novel on both sides of a single sheet of cardboard.

That’s one hell of a way to save on mailing costs.

I looked at the thing carefully, wondering if it was really some kind of high-tech display monitor disguised as a sheet of cardboard. No; it really did seem to be ordinary cardboard. Why was Porlock outputting his text on cardboard instead of paper? And more importantly: how did he manage to store 386 pages of continuous scrolling text on a piece of cardboard in the first place?

I went down the hall, borrowed a hand mirror from Wendy, and set it up on my desk. Now I picked up the manuscript of Nano Nanette again and held it up so that I was looking at page one. I glanced over the top of the page: in the mirror, I could see the backside of the document. Yes, it was page two, upside down and reflected into mirror-writing. I started reading page one again. Every few seconds, I glanced up from page one and looked into the mirror. Page two was sitting there quietly, waiting for me.

I got to the end of page one, and turned the sheet over to page two… but this time, as I turned the page over, I kept my eyes aimed squarely at the mirror.

Caught it! As soon as I turned the sheet over, so that page one became the backside… immediately, the words on the first page dissolved. I saw the letters ripple across the page, like swarming ants, separating and then realigning themselves in new configurations along the doublespaced lines. As soon as page two became uppermost, page one neatly changed itself into page three. The sheet of cardboard was rigged somehow, so that whichever side I wasn’t reading would scroll forward or backward to become the next page after the one that I was reading. By using a mirror so that I could watch the front and back sides both at once, I caught the words while they were changing on the back page.

My thumb was itching where I’d given myself the paper cut. I put down the pixilated cardboard, picked up my phone, and punched the number for the Scott Richards Literary Agency. Not the switchboard; I called his unlisted personal cellphone.

“Scott Richards here.”

“Sam Kurtz, at Augean Press,” I said.

Scott chuckled that annoying little chuckle of his. “I gather you’re calling me about Nano Nanette.” Here came the chuckle again. “Good plotline, isn’t it?”

“Skip the plot; let’s talk about the presentation,” I told him. “Your client’s whole novel is crammed into two sides of a page. How the hell did he do it?”

The chuckle again, and then Scott answered: “Max Porlock is not a fulltime novelist. He’s a biochemical engineer specializing in nanotechnology.”

I edit a line of science fiction novels, but most so-called science fiction doesn’t contain much real science, so I’m not always well-versed in tech-speak. “What’s nanotechnology?” I asked.

“My client Porlock designs and builds microbots,” Scott told me. “Microscopic robots, each of them less than a micron in diameter.”

I vaguely remembered reading an article about something like this. “Shouldn’t nanotech robots be called nanobots?” I asked Scott.

He made a sound that was the verbal equivalent of a shrug. “Nanobots, microbots, ittybittybots; call ’em whatever you want. Porlock makes microscopic robots, so I call them microbots. He programs them to perform multiple dedicated tasks in distinct logic states.”

“Hold on a minute, Scott.” I hunted around in my desk drawer, which contains a branch office of the Bermuda Triangle, and finally I found a magnifying glass. I picked up the sheet of cardboard and did the mirror trick again, but this time I was watching through the magnifying glass.

My hunch was right. Looking through the magnifying lens as I turned the page, it seemed as if I could see each letter of the text breaking up into thousands of tiny individual black pinpoints. They scurried across the page and rearranged themselves into new letters, sharply black against the white cardboard surface. I picked up the phone again. “Scott, are you saying that you mailed me a package containing thousands of teensy-weensy robots?”

He chuckled again. “Millions of robots would be more accurate, Sam. My client told me the precise number, but I didn’t write it down. Clever, aren’t they? The microbots are programmed to be phototropic.”

I may be low-tech, but I’m not illiterate. “They respond to light?”

“Precisely. When you hold the sheet of cardboard, the microbots on the upper side—the page facing the light—will stand still and behave themselves. It’s the ones underneath, on the dark side, who carry out their programming and convert to the next page of the text.” Scott chuckled once more. “Those little buggers have the text of a complete novel downloaded into their programming in the form of a dot matrix, with a microbot assigned to each dot. Each individual microbot is programmed to occupy a specific position on page one, page two, page three…”

I held the cardboard sheet within an inch of my eye. The black marks looked like ordinary typing; it was hard to believe that each letter was actually several thousand individual mechanisms. “You mean the letters on the page are little metal robots?” I asked Scott over the phone.

“Not metal, no.” Across the phone link, I heard Scott ransacking the papers on his desk in search of something. “Max Porlock told me that his microbots are made of… what’s this word here? Alkanethiols. Self-assembling hydrocarbon molecules. He tells me they’re easy to mass-produce; they feed on protein chains to replicate themselves.”

I picked up the cardboard again, starting to formulate a plan. “Why cardboard?” I asked Scott. “Why doesn’t your client just output his text on paper?”

“Too risky,” the agent told me. “The microbots eat proteins, remember? The first few prototype microbots kept eating the paper they were printed on. My client has developed a special acid-free cardboard made of chemically inert pulp. He says that the microbots think it tastes yucky.”

“They told him this?”

“No, of course not. But the microbots don’t eat it, so…” Suddenly Scott’s voice shifted. Across the phone link, I could sense his body stiffening as he changed the subject: “Look, Sam, I’ve got a business to run here. I’m offering the first North American rights to Max Porlock’s novel. You buying, or what?”

I had read the first four pages of Nano Nanette, and so far it hadn’t grabbed me. Porlock’s prose was clubfooted. His characters were made of the same thing as his manuscript: cardboard. What fascinated me about this novel was its format. I was starting to get big ideas about this microbot process. It could revolutionize the publishing industry, and I was the first one to see it.

My publishing house shells out plenty of money for shipping costs. And the unsold books take up warehouse space, which costs more money. Now I envisioned the future, a future with no books at all. Instead of printing thick paperback volumes, we could issue our novels on thin sheets of cardboard. A single nine-by-twelve rectangle would contain the text of an entire novel. Hell, why stop at novels? If Max Porlock could manufacture his microbots in a full spectrum of designer colors, our publishing firm could integrate them into illustrated cookbooks, art volumes, even children’s pop-up books. I was sure that I could pitch this to the editorial board.

“Count me in, Scott,” I told the agent. “I’ll send you a contract for the licensing rights to your client’s micro-bot process, and—”

“No deal, Sam.” The chuckle was gone from Scott’s voice. “My client was very specific about this. He refuses to sell or lease the rights to his nanotech hardware. He doesn’t want to be known for his tech work; he has his heart set on being a best-selling novelist. I’m offering you a deal on Porlock’s novel, and that’s all You interested?”

Frankly, no. Judging from the first four pages, Nano Nanette wasn’t bestseller material. But Scott Richards had several top-flight authors in his stable—authors who should be sending their best work to me—and I didn’t want to antagonize him. Tactfully, I said: “I haven’t finished reading Porlock’s novel yet, Scott. I’ll get back to you.”

“Great. Please understand, my client’s microbots are designed to perform multiple functions. He refuses to sign any licensing deals that would confine his little brainchildren to a single industry, such as book production.”

Scott hung up. Now I was back to square one: the production gang upstairs had made it clear to me that I had to acquire a novel, any novel, between now and five o’clock… or else my arse would be sparse. Maybe Nano Nanette wouldn’t look so bad on my midlist after all. The cut on my thumb was tingling. I ignored it.

I picked up the cardboard, and started reading Porlock s novel from where I’d left off. Page five was pretty good, but… aha! A typo, at last. Halfway down page five, Porlock had left out the period at the end of a sentence. Well, at least it proved that Wonder Boy was human after all. I could forgive a few glitches; Max Porlock must have written an incredibly complex piece of software when he programmed all his microbots to spell out the dot-matrix text of his novel. As I read page five, I glanced into the mirror: on the backside of the cardboard, all the tiny microbots from page four were scurrying into new positions to become page six. Places, everybody!

I turned over the sheet of cardboard, and kept reading. Aha! Midway down page six, another period was missing. This fellow Porlock was beginning to slip. And his prose wasn’t especially compelling, either.

I turned the sheet again. Page seven was waiting for me, right on schedule. I kept reading. Two-thirds of the way down the page, I found a typo that I’d never seen before. There was supposed to be a colon here, in the middle of a sentence. The upper dot of the colon was present and accounted for, but the lower dot had gone AWOL. Almost as if…

Wait a minute. The bottom half of a colon is just a period. Ever since page five, a period’s worth of microbots were missing from every page of Porlock’s manuscript. Was there a glitch in the programming, or…

I backflipped the sheet of cardboard, scrolling backwards to page one. The first page of Porlock s novel had been error-free the first time I read it. Now I started again.

Halfway down the page, a period was missing.

So it wasn’t a glitch in the microbots’ programming.

Some of the microbots had left the page.

I didn’t want Scott Richards blaming me for losing his client’s precious robots. I picked up Porlock’s “manuscript,” the sheet of cardboard, and started stuffing it back into the same manila envelope that it—

OW! Another paper cut. I looked at my right hand to see if it was bleeding.

A thin trickle of red was seeping out of the cut on my hand.

At the same time, a thin trickle of black was seeping into the cut on my hand.

I swatted the cut with my left hand. The trickle of microbots regrouped, and scurried back to their places on the manuscript. But some of the little buggers had slipped into the cut on my hand. I ought to…

No.

I took the manuscript out of the envelope. I had scrolled back to the first page, but now—as if anticipating my needs—the text had skipped ahead to where I’d left off on page seven.

Somehow the reading was effortless. My eyes scanned each line rapidly, unbidden by my mind. A couple of letters were missing. I knew where they were: their component microbots had slipped off the page, and they’d gone into business inside my bloodstream.

I was reading page eight. This time I didn’t even need to turn the page; when my eyes reached the bottom line, the text on the same page gently rippled and shifted to become the text of the following page. Again, a couple of letters were missing.

I was feeling steadily warmer. What was it that Scott had told me? The microbots were made from self-replicating hydrocarbon molecules. Some kind of… alkali? alkaloid?

Alkanethiols, whispered a voice in my ear. No; it wasn’t inside my ear. It was inside my head. The alkanethiols feed on protein chains, don’t they? Yes, we do, the voice assured me. Editors are not the world’s healthiest people, but even we editors have a few proteins in our bloodstreams. By now, the microscopic robots in my bloodstream must be replicating quite merrily.

Aren’t hydrocarbons poisonous, though? Yes, we are, said the voice in-side my blood again. This time it sounded like a chorus of thousands. No, millions…

Quickly, I flung aside the cardboard containing the microbots. My right hand, unbidden, picked up the cardboard again. My left hand snatched it, and threw it out of my right hand’s reach…

Suddenly I discovered that I knew the entire text of Max Porlock’s novel Nano Nanette, even though I’d read only the first eight pages. Something was altering my brain’s neural pathways and memory cells, removing unimportant bits of information such as my address and my ATM number, and replacing these with vitally important data such as the complete 386-page text of Max Porlock’s novel Nano Nanette. What a terrible book! The plot was mediocre. The characters were contrived. The dialogue was lifeless. Altogether, the book was… was…

It was the greatest novel ever written.

My right hand, without bothering to consult me, reached over and picked up the phone. My left hand managed to put up a faint struggle for a few seconds. Then, while my right hand held the phone, my left hand punched the appropriate number.

Scott had told me that Porlock’s microbots were programmed to perform multiple tasks. I was starting to guess what those tasks were. Max Porlock could have made a fortune with his nanotech hardware, but he wanted to be a best-selling author…

The phone was picked up on the third ring. “Scott?” I heard a voice inside my mouth say, as the microbots took over one more portion of my body. “Sam Kurtz here, at Augean Press. I’m going to fax you the contracts for Max Porlock’s novel.”

With that damned chuckle of his, Scott asked me: “So you like the book, then?”

I managed to speak, but by now the microbots were rearranging the furniture in my brain so rapidly that I had no way of knowing how much of my response was my own free will and how much of it was nanobot neurosurgery.

“Do I like the book?” I answered. “Let’s just say that I can’t put it down.”