Spludge

Illustrated by Mark Evans

Billy Whilmer wasn’t sure when he realized there really were thoughts better left unthunk. Not that he believed in thought police waiting to get him. There were just some ideas that, once planted, rattled around your head until your only option was to test them. Either that, or go mad, wondering. Which, he supposed, is why there really would be thought police if anyone ever came up with a way to do it.

Not that Billy was all that philosophical. He just liked to play with ideas.

Whenever his epiphany came, it was after the gelatin incident. He’d been noodling around, doing nothing in particular, when the idea was handed to him in a news story. Some girl had sneaked in at night and dumped a gazillion pounds of gelatin into a high school swimming pool. The next day, she’d gotten to the locker room early so she could be there when the first victim ran out, jumped in… and emitted a yell, accompanied by a sucking, slurping noise the commentator rendered as “spludge.”

Billy didn’t hear the rest of the story. Some ideas, once planted, really can’t be unplanted. “Spludge” was the seed. He wanted to hear it for himself.

It took months. First he had to locate massive quantities of gelatin at an affordable price. Nor could it be colored, lest a lemon or cherry tint give the whole thing away. A pale, swimming-pool blue, that’s what he needed, whipped up with clear gelatin and a few bottles of food coloring.

Then, after he finally found a restaurant-supply business that didn’t balk when he placed the order on his father’s credit card, he had to gain the janitor’s trust so he could get into the building late at night. He also had to learn how the pool’s water pumps worked. Ruining expensive equipment wasn’t his goal.

Practical jokes aren’t for the lazy. Billy had to join the swim team and do enough six a.m. laps that by the time he was ready to lug gelatin bags around, he was already developing a physique. Billy-the-jock… not something he’d ever envisioned.

He only forgot one thing: The boys and girls teams shared workout time. Technically speaking, he didn’t forget. He just didn’t think it relevant. Unfortunately, the first (and only) one into the pool that morning was a girl. And, while the gelatin made a most satisfying sound as she hit it in a shallow racing dive, she was wearing a two-piece suit… part of which kind of got left behind.

Billy was charged with sexual harassment. The school principal wanted it upped to assault, but Billy’s attorney convinced him that since she’d hit the, er—even the attorney had trouble coming up with a word, but eventually settled on “surface”—under her own power, Billy hadn’t quite assaulted her.

That rather technical distinction saved him a lifetime as a registered sex offender. But it was pretty much the only thing that went his way. If it had been a guy who’d been first into the pool, Billy might have had detention for the rest of his high school career, but it would have been academic detention. As it was, he was eighteen by the time they let him out of juvie.

You might think he’d have learned. But Billy, now going by Bill, breezed through his first year of college short-sheeting beds and placing prank phone calls.

Meanwhile, he found himself increasingly interested in science. It seemed odd; he’d always seen himself as the class clown, not an egghead. But before the gelatin incident he’d not been a jock, either, and he now worked out five days a week.

He wasn’t much of a theoretician. More like the ultimate experimentalist. But his trip to reform school and Nobel prizes stemmed from the same basic question: I wonder what would happen if…? Nobel laureates were just better at constructing controlled experiments. Bill’s more often went something like this:

* HYPOTHESIS: What would happen if I stuck both ends of a heavy-gauge wire into a wall outlet?

* PROCEDURE: Wear gloves. Use insulated pliers. Stand on rubber mat.

* OBSERVATIONS: Brief but spectacular pyrotechnics. Sparks shooting to ceiling, star-shaped scorch on outlet and wall. Globs of molten copper buried in desktop.

* CONCLUSION: Entire dorm floor wired to single circuit breaker. Bad design, but at least nobody knows who did it.

Another lesson came his senior year, when he realized that government agencies have zero sense of humor. He was doing a stint on the college newsblog, the Daily Truth, and one afternoon he went to the state capitol to sit in on a committee hearing. When he got back to his car, he found a ticket.

Irritated, he plucked the bright yellow “courtesy” envelope from beneath his wiper. A box was checked: Parking in Reserved Space, $110.

“What the…?” he said, raising his arms to the heavens. “Where the hell does it say reserved?”

And there it was, painted on the parking garage ceiling like a direct answer from God. Who puts a reserved sign on the ceiling?

Of course he wrote about it. When life gives you a lemon, and all that. It was almost as entertaining as spludge and a lot cheaper than the gelatin. Not to mention legal.

A month later he was back at the capitol. Gone were the painted “reserved” signs on the ceiling. Someone had made hundreds of shiny metal plaques and posted them in front of each and every reserved spot.

That wasn’t funny. A lot of tax dollars had been spent to ensure that no one would ever again poke fun at the parking czars.

For the next several years, Bill, now going by William, stifled all public traces of humor. He took a job with the Western Times and wrote serious tweets and pod-scripts about politics, science, climate change, and why the Chinese were beating everyone at just about everything. He married a woman who made the mistake of confusing his public persona with his private one… and divorced him six months later.

Then the aliens landed.

It wasn’t quite clear how they got here. One moment, scientists were reporting a new comet. Then the Chinese, Brazilians, Europeans, Japanese, Americans, and Qataris were all accusing each other of launching something big, unannounced. The next morning, LGM were walking up the lawn of the Taj Mahal.

Why they picked the Taj Mahal was one of those things nobody ever figured out. There was also a bit of debate, later on, about whether they really were little green men. They were definitely small, lime-colored, and most emphatically male looking, in a Mayan-statuary type of manner. The question was whether this was their normal appearance or whether they had chosen it.

Like most of the world, William watched on tri-vid, though unlike many, he flattened the 3D so the LGM’s lime-green Mayan-statuariness wasn’t quite so, uh, intrusive. By this time, LGW, equally Mayan in their Earth-mother attributes, had decanted from an honest-to-goodness flying saucer on the White House lawn. Maybe they were drawn by the color of the grass. There certainly wasn’t any reason William could see for them to be attracted by the current president.

Still, it was the president’s job to greet them, and if he wanted to be re-elected, hiding in the Situation Room wasn’t going to do it. So, to the obvious dismay of his Secret Service contingent, he was on the lawn, trying not to stare.

One of the little green women raised a four-fingered hand in an odd V-pattern. “Take me to your leader,” she said. “Nano-nano. Live long and perspire.”

“Uh, you too,” the president said, plummeting a couple of points in the polls with each word. “I think. Whatever you say.”

The alien was carrying a large box. She reached in and withdrew a little green baby. Or maybe it was a pet. It was hard to tell. “For peace between our races,” she said solemnly, holding the tiny whatever-it-was out to the president.

“Er, thanks.”

The president glanced at his aides for inspiration. Finding none, he reached out and took the baby awkwardly. He’d had two children, William knew, but that didn’t mean he had any clue about the best way to cuddle aliens.

The baby didn’t seem to mind. It cooed—more like a dove than a child—then, just like uncounted scenes in a hundred years of bad movies—unleashed a stream of urine directed with admirable precision at the president’s face.

The aliens bounced up and down on the balls of their feet.

The SatNet newscasters suggested they were angry at the president’s inept handling of the baby, but William knew laughter when he saw it. Soon enough, the aliens would be giving everyone their equivalent of spludge.

Meanwhile, they continued talking, the TriVee operators picking up every word. “We seek to see how good you be at caring,” the one who’d presented the infant said as the president pretended not to notice the magenta fluid dripping from his chin. “Please bring Kemrit back to us each day for checking-up.”

“Kemrit?” The president glanced at the baby. “You wouldn’t actually mean…?”

The lead alien huddled with two of its coterie. A moment later, it turned back to the president. “Your language it be strangely linear. Ours does not so adapt. Mekrit? Remkit? Kermit? Pick your choose.”

The president made an odd noise that dropped his ratings another couple of points. “Kemrit,” he eventually managed. “I like Kemrit. The other’s too gree—” Then political correctness stopped him. The aliens were again bouncing.

Moments later, William was online, booking a flight to D.C. When it came, the spludge was going to be impressive.

Writing serious stories hadn’t been a waste of William’s time. He knew someone who knew someone who knew the president’s assistant press secretary, and that was good enough that the next day he was among the reporters on the White House lawn.

“Barry expanding gratitude to female sheep,” the lead alien said as the president arrived with the baby. William laughed. Their English was getting worse with each meeting, a sure sign they knew exactly what they were doing. But the president had spent too many years dealing with humorless government agencies. Again he sought refuge in his favorite word. “Er?”

He handed the baby to the lead alien, who took it into the spaceship. “Our wharf must examine to make sure you know how to care good,” another said.

A few minutes later, the alien doctor reemerged. “Much good,” she said. “Kemrit well do.”

Every day for nearly two weeks, the ritual was repeated. Each time, the president brought out the baby, and the aliens, after finding ever-new ways to slaughter the language, retreated with it for a check-up. “Our goodly relations are increasing in prospecutuity.”

Kemrit was clearly thriving. He was visibly larger, and the president, his ratings expanding as well, hadn’t said “er” in days.

That was when William knew what the aliens were up to. “Oh, crap,” he told his editor’s editor. “The baby’s a turtle.”

The editor-in-chief was one of the best in the business. That meant he saw no reason to join the president in trying to look more intelligent than he felt. “I thought it was a frog.”

“Trust me,” William said. “It’s a turtle.” He then explained the most famous practical joke in history, in which the joker gave his landlady a baby turtle, then swapped it, each day, for a slightly bigger one. “One of these days, they’ll reverse the process and the baby will get smaller. We can’t let that happen.”

For a week, William wracked his brain trying to figure out what to do. How do you beat a practical joker? Ideally at his own game. He ordered a new copy of World’s Best Practical Jokes (his own thumb-worn edition was back home, in his apartment), but found no inspiration. Squirty fountain pens and clown handkerchiefs weren’t going to do it, and nobody was going to let him close enough to the aliens to try something like that anyway.

By this time, the baby had expanded enough that even the most obtuse had noticed. Right-wingers, left-wingers, new-wingers: All were preening about what great care “we” had taken of the infant and how the aliens would soon, surely, open to us the secrets of the Universe, whether they be of godlike enlightenment, warp drive, antigravity, or a cell phone that never dropped calls.

William winced every time he heard it. If he were the aliens, he’d already be starting to shrink the baby. Maybe they were and the president’s advisers were already fretting.

William tried talking to the press secretary’s assistant but got nowhere. Why would the aliens play a gag on us? There was no way the assistant was going to suggest such a thing to her boss, and even if she did, her boss would never suggest it to the president. Briefly, he thought of asking why she thought they’d showed up looking like caricatures of the most grotesque sex toys. But there was no point. Politicians, like bureaucrats, have no sense of humor.

What would the aliens do when they found us easy marks? Have a good laugh and go find someone else to play with? Or conclude we deserved anything else they might do, like steal our planet? Maybe they’d just give us what we wanted—with a twist. A hyperdrive that blew up in our faces? Sorry about that. An antigrav unit that lofted its user into outer space? Oops. Hope she had life insurance.

If he could write his own script, William would turn the tables and make the baby expand when it should be contracting. But the only way to do that was to raid the aliens’ store of… whatever. Babies. Turtles. It didn’t really matter. Somewhere there was a whole bin of them.

Except… the obvious. It couldn’t be done. Not without breaking into the alien ship, which might not be the worst idea unless they were too heavily armed, but which nobody was going to do. What was needed was the type of technology everyone was hoping to get from the aliens. A turtle transporter would do nicely. Beam one in and another out, day by day. Nano-nano, live long and perspire, and all that. Defy them to complain.

Except, of course, the transporter didn’t exist either.

Meanwhile, William worked his sources. Everything was off the record, maximum deniability, you’ll-never-work-this-town-again-if-you-breathe-a-word, but the upshot was that yes, the baby’s weight had plateaued, and yes, the president was worried. William again tried to pass the turtle story back up the line—but that merely lent new meaning to the word hopeless. This was a test, everyone believed, and we were flunking.

Belatedly, he remembered that there were two groups of aliens. He was patriotic enough to be primarily concerned with one, but that was no excuse not to keep track of what the ones at the Taj Mahal were up to.

Nothing relevant, it turned out. Mostly they just seemed to prance around. Though they too did a lot of bouncing on the balls of their feet. They seemed particularly fond of the Cult of the Ultimate Phallus, which sprang from nothing to celebrate their welcome. But they also graced (if that was the word) online pharmacy ads, environmental pacifist gatherings (“Grow greens, not bombs!”), and assorted nudist camps and “bare buns” jogging clubs.

One evening, he had dinner with his editor. The editor was getting tired of William talking about turtles instead of filing stories, but his name was Mastrione and even though he’d never been to the old country, he was inordinately fond of all things Italian.

William hated paying for meals a course at a time, but as long as the Times was footing the bill he was amenable. Somewhere between the antipasto and dessert, he found himself staring vaguely across the table, thinking about spaghetti.

“What?” his editor said. “Do I have something on my tie?”

“Sorry.” It was the way the spaghetti had been drooping from his boss’s fork that had caught his attention. William was a winder. His boss was more of a shoveler. Not the most pleasant thing to watch, but the dangling spaghetti had reminded him of something. “Did you ever hear of the old spaghetti-tree hoax?”

“Uh-uh.” His editor snagged another fork of spaghetti. “What’s that got to do with alien babies?”

“Nothing. Or everything. I’m not sure yet. It’s been called the best April Fool’s Day joke of all time.” William paused, trying to remember the details. “I think it was BBC who did it, back at the dawn of TV. They ran this wonderful segment about how a mild winter and improved control of the dreaded spaghetti weevil had given the Swiss a record spaghetti harvest. There were even videos of peasants plucking noodles from trees, with interviews explaining how they’re straightened and dried for packaging, and how the trees are carefully bred for each strand to be the same length.” He lifted his fork in mock salute. “Half the world fell for it.” He grinned. “Even though everyone knows spaghetti trees don’t grow that far north.”

His boss was staring at his plate. “Spaghetti grows on trees?”

“Of course not.” His editor was competent enough, but nowhere nearly as bright as the editor-in-chief. “But the scam was so good that even smart people fell for it.” Smart or not, there was no point not buttering him up a bit.

William’s mind was still churning. “We need a spaghetti tree.”

“Huh?”

“A scam of our own. Something to make them change their minds and leave us alone.”

“You want to run a fake news story?”

“Yes.”

“What about?”

William sipped his wine. “I don’t know yet.”

“We’ll be laughing stocks.”

“Only if we play it wrong. We might also save the world.”

His editor leaned back. He might not be the brightest bulb on the planet, but he’d come up the way most senior editors did: through news and editorial. If you wanted to be read by millions, you went into sports or features. But news writers, however hard-bitten they might claim to be, didn’t just want people to read their stories. They harbored a secret desire to change the world.

“Okay,” his editor said. “I’ll have to convince the publisher, and we’ll need something that will give us deniability if too many people freak out. But go ahead and run with it for the moment. Too bad April Fool’s Day has passed.”

Actually, William realized, that was precisely when the aliens had landed. They must have found that inordinately funny. It was also amazingly arrogant. But then, William realized, he’d always been that way himself.

For three interminable days, William read about practical jokes. He found a way to make a saltshaker blow its lid the first time someone tried to use it. He found ways to make people vomit, and to give their bodily fluids bright, exotic colors. There was even a formula for glow-in-the-dark semen.

Meanwhile, word from his off-the-record sources was that the White House was getting very nervous. The current theory was that the alien baby had reached a stage where its nutritional needs were changing, and its caretakers were seeking advice from every trade association that had ever put a dime in the president’s coffers. The Apiary Institute suggested honey. “All that pollen in it is good for you,” a representative said. “It’s got lots and lots of phytochemicals.” The Confectioners of America lobbied for chocolate. Enologists United urged red wine. “Just because alcohol isn’t recommended for human babies doesn’t mean it’s bad for aliens.”

William sighed. Time was running short, and the White House was obsessed with micronutrients. Potato skins. Whole grains. Broccoli. Spinach. Citrus peels. There was an expert for everything.

It was the citrus peels that did it.

The aliens looked like limes. They were even kind of bulby around their joints. He could do something with that. Years ago, he’d written a story about some trade dispute involving Key limes. It had involved subsidies, tariffs, and a bunch of posturing between governments, but what really mattered was that he’d learned more than any reasonable person ever wanted to know about limes. Not to mention that lime growers are a small industry. If he was going to get the Western Times sued, better by them than someone bigger, like the spinach, broccoli, or Christmas tree folks.

It’s amazing how easy it is to write when you don’t have to worry about truth. The hardest part was finding a picture of a frog whose natural color was nearly indistinguishable from the aliens.

The headline was also a challenge. It needed to catch attention, without looking too much like that’s what it wanted to do. Eventually William settled on a combination of techno-babble and scare words: Prion Blamed for Rapid Spread of ‘Green Cancer’—Mad-cow-like disease kills frogs and fruit, but officials say no cause for alarm.

The last bit was the best. Nothing produces panic better than bureaucrats saying “no problem.” The photo was good too. Not only was it the most vividly colored amphibian William had ever seen, but its neck, back, and limbs were covered with tumors that looked like chartreuse raisins. A memorable mix with your morning coffee and Danish. Who cared if the frog died twenty years ago, probably due to dioxin or something like that. Within hours of publication, that photo was going to be everywhere.

Once he knew what he was doing, the article practically wrote itself. “A new plague, sometimes called the ‘green cancer,’ has escaped from a Mexican hothouse and is sweeping toward the U.S.,” he began:

Getting the story approved took longer than writing it. First, his editor had to pass it up the line to the editor-in-chief, and from there to the publisher. Then the publisher wanted to see what the company’s attorney had to say about it, which meant yet another delay. Meanwhile, William cobbled together websites for as many of his “sources” as he could manage, especially the elusive Xander Hollyfield. That way, he could field inquiries from other news outlets, once the story got moving. Practical joking had never been for the lazy.

Finally, though, he found himself in a conference room overlooking Farragut Square.

“You have got to be kidding,” the attorney said. Not that this was a surprise. Farragut Square was named for the admiral who cried, “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead,” but if attorneys had their way, no news outlet would write about anything more controversial than the best new dessert recipes. Even then they’d be afraid of being sued by someone’s grandmother.

“That’s kind of the idea—” William started, but his editor-in-chief cut him off.

“Will our insurance cover it?”

“Sure. But they’re guaranteed to raise your rates. If you’re determined to run the thing, why not make it more obvious it’s a joke?”

“That won’t work,” the editor-in-chief said.

“Why not?”

The editor-in-chief hesitated, and for a moment William thought he was going to explain about Kemrit, turtles, and the looming spludge. But nobody trusts lawyers. They have even less of a sense of humor than politicians. “It’s probably better you don’t know.”

Thanks to all the delays, the story didn’t make it out until the evening blogfeed. But maybe that was for the better. The slow start meant it simmered overnight and by morning half the news outlets on the planet had it, elaborating as they went. One even had two Nobel laureates and a bestselling author commenting on how this proved why biotechnology needed greater regulatory controls. “Someday they’ll turn the whole world into green goo,” the author said, “and not just the frogs.”

But nobody seemed to be connecting it with the aliens. That day’s baby exchange proceeded as planned, and this time William didn’t need to ask if it had shrunk. Compared to pictures from only a few days before, it was not only thinner, but shorter.

Briefly, William wondered if he was too late. Or worse, had played into the aliens’ hands. After all, he was giving them an example of human carelessness they could use in accusing us of mishandling the baby. But that made no sense. The turtle joke was intended to make us squirm over something that wasn’t our fault. Besides, the frog in the picture was deformed, not shrunken.

Not that William had much time to think about Kemrit. He was too busy both fanning the flames of his story and putting out unexpected fires.

The first problem was that Americans, who’d never been all that fond of vegetables, were reverting to French fries and onion rings. Anything that wasn’t green. To counter that, he trucked out another imaginary source, Guy Herrero, a “pigmentologist” at the Pacific Rim Research Fund’s division of advanced botanical studies.

“The disease affects only green pigments,” William had Herrero say. “Humans can’t get it.”

Nor was the entire biosphere about to be destroyed. “Only the limiest green of lime-green organisms are involved,” he quoted the reliable Xander Hollyfield as saying, still from the seclusion of rural Jamaica. “Unless you’re the color of that frog or a Key lime, you could roll in the stuff and nothing much would happen.”

By this time, the story was taking on a life of its own. At first, it was mostly environmental and anti-biotech groups whose blogs and tweets were alive with hand-wringing about how human meddling was wrecking yet one more element of Gaian Earth. But there was also an announcement from the World Federation of Circus Clowns that, just to be on the safe side, green face paint would no longer be used until it could be certified prion-safe.

By the third day, the aliens finally seemed to be taking note. The baby exchange was perfunctory, with no bouncing, few words, and an apparent reluctance to touch the returning baby.

It was time to administer the coup de grace. Green Prion Goes Airborne, William wrote the following day:

Accompanying the story was a weather map, showing the likely spread of the prion, with one plume headed straight at D.C. As an aside, he added a second plume, originating from a second laboratory, in the Seychelles Islands, where monsoon winds would soon send it toward India.

The next morning, the aliens didn’t emerge from their spaceships. Two hours later, both vessels powered up and rose into the sky.

William and his editor watched in silence. “What about the baby?” the editor asked.

William shrugged. “I told you, it’s not a baby.”

Then, right on cue, the television feed was interrupted by a green face. “We sorry we must leave so soon,” it said. Male or female was hard to tell in the close-up. “Keep Kemrit, a gift from our species to yours. If he not grow bumpy, maybe we return with other gifts.” Then with a half-hearted nano-nano, the alien went off the air. Moments later the spaceship vanished.

William was still trying both to catch up on sleep and convince people to eat their vegetables again, when a message was forwarded from several of his fake websites. Help needed (URGENT), read the subject line. With an addendum: And yes, I know it was a hoax.

William’s stomach clenched as he opened it. But it wasn’t an accusation. “You’re story’s obviously phony,” the email began. “I’d know that guy Hollyfield if he really existed. But how the hell did you know that a color prion could jump species like that? We’ve been working with fresh-blanched broccoli, trying to preserve that super-green color, and we’re starting to see some weird things out on the lawn…”

William reached for the keyboard, then drew back. How do you beat a practical joker? Was he talking to humans or aliens? Reprisal or ecological disaster?

Suddenly he felt very tired. The fate of the world might depend on him getting this one right. He reached for the keys again, then again changed his mind. Practical jokes really weren’t for the lazy.