Property of Venus

THE SOUND of three men in loud discussion of planting-plans drew the man from Venus. This was at Mrs. Hort's neighborhood party on a fine May weekend. The forsythia's golden rain had ended; the magnolias had littered the lawns with their petals; the azaleas blazed in orange and purple and the dogwoods in pink and white.

Carl Vanderhoff, on his second bottle of beer and fourth hot-dog sandwich, said: "... I can't bother much with annuals this year. I shall have to do some surgery on that cracked Japanese maple..." He was medium-sized and a little gray, and taught French Lit at Penn.

Sydney Devore, the oldest of the three, lit his pipe and said: "... I've got three new kinds of cactus, and as soon as I get them unpotted..." He led a retired life as a consulting engineer.

Bill Converse, burly and ruddy, waved his fourth beer-bottle and said: "... if there's any screwy plant in the world, trust Sydney to plant it..." He was vice-president of the Keystone-Fidelity Insurance Company.

Several of those at the party had objected to Devore's unconventional planting, such as his setting out assorted species of cactus. Vanderhoff had supposed that cactus would not thrive in the dank of a Philadelphian suburb, but these did as a result of Devore's care in keeping weeds and grass away from them and potting them through the winter. As Vanderhoff's own wife had said, Devore lived. alone without a wife to keep him within the bounds of convention, but why couldn't he plant decent iris, phlox and chrysanthemums like everybody else?

The cactus made his lot stand out like a sore thumb.

BEFORE Converse could say more about this eccentricity, Mrs. Hoyt's brother, the spaceman, sauntered over. His uniform, unless one looked closely, was like that of a chief petty officer of the United States Navy. Vanderhoff understood that Grant Oakley was in fact some sort of chief mechanic on the Goddard.

Carl Vanderhoff braced himself to look interested in Venerian matters, though the flight of the Goddard had been so overpublicized, and he had already seen, heard and read so much about it through the normal channels of information, that he was getting bored with it.

"You fellas like to plant things?" said Grant Oakley with a noncommittal smile; a compact, competent-looking little man with bad teeth.

"Wait till my roses come out," boomed Converse."I've got..."

"I'm trying out this new bug-killer, R-47," said Vanderhoff."It's said to really lick the Japanese beetles..."

"Come over to my place after this breaks up," said Devore, "and I'll show you my South American..."

As they all spoke at once, Oakley stared with a vague smile until they ran down. Then he said: "How'd you like to plant something from Venus?"

"Oh, boy!" exclaimed Devore."If I only could!"

"Hm," said Vanderhoff."Perhaps."

"People would think I was nuts," said Oakley."I suppose a plant from Venus would come crawling into your house at night like some kind of octopus?"

"No, nothing like that," said Oakley."The plants of Venus are higher developed than ours, but they don't run after you. What would it be worth to you to plant them?"

Devore frowned."You mean you have some?"

Oakley smiled, dipped a hand into a coat pocket and brought it out. He opened it just enough to show a small fistful of seeds ranging in size from that of an apple seed to that of a lima bean.

"Now," he said, "supposing these were seeds from Venus—I'm not saying they are, understand—what would they be worth to you?"

Vanderhoff said: "That would depend on what they grew up to."

Devore said: "I thought the Department of Agriculture had a regulation—"

"Who said anything about the Department of Agriculture?" asked Oakley."I haven't said these were from Venus. But supposing they were, what would you do about it?"

Devore said: "Well, I suppose I ought—no, to hell with that. I want some. But I couldn't pay you anything like the transportation cost."

"The same for me," said Vanderhoff."How about you, Bill?"

Converse rubbed his chin."We-ell—if you two take some, I guess I will, too. But none of us are rich, Mr. Oakley."

Oakley shrugged an eyebrow.

"Neither am I. I brought these because I've got to have some quick money. How would ten bucks a seed strike you?"

DEVORE whistled."Suppose you tell us what they are first."

"You'll read all about it when the Department of Agriculture gets out a bulletin. But these little black fellas are the singing shrub. The medium-sized—"

"What does the singing shrub do?" asked Vanderhoff.

"It sings. The blue ones are the bulldog bush. You understand, these are just the names the fellas on the expedition called them. The scientists gave 'em Latin names, but you'll have to read those in the Department of Agriculture Bulletin."

"How about the big red ones?" said Converse.

"That's the tree of Eden. It has the best-tasting fruit ever. Harmless, too. We ate lots of it. It seemed to make everybody happy and grateful. Some called it the stein plant on account of it grows a thing shaped like a pitcher or more like an old German beer stein."

"What does the bulldog bush do?" said Devore.

"It tries to bite, like one of those fly-catching plants on Earth, only bigger. I wouldn't say to plant it if you've got small babies. It may bite hard enough to hurt."

"How about growing up and biting our heads off?" Converse wanted to know.

"It only grows so high, and the snappers about like so." Oakley described with his hands a biting organ the size of a pair of human hands."And it's not that strong. Now how about it? Shall we have a little auction?"

There ensued a long low argument. More beer was drunk and hot-dogs eaten. The Sun went down; the neighborhood's bat came out and flew in circles over Mrs. Hort's party. At last the three householders each agreed to pay Grant Oakley fifty dollars, for which Converse should get the tree of Eden seeds, Vanderhoff all the bulldog bush seeds and Devore all the singing shrub seeds.

They had disputed whether each of them should try to raise specimens of all three species, but concluded that a single extraterrestrial species apiece would be enough to handle. Vanderhoff would have preferred either the tree of Eden or the singing shrub, but his gardening friends put in their claims for these before he had a chance to and pressed them with such vigor that he gave way.

"BRING 'em in before frost," said Oakley."If they haven't grown too big, that is. These came from the polar regions of Venus. Those are the only parts of the planet that aren't so hot a man has to wear a protective suit. It's about like the equator on Earth. So the plants won't stand cold."

The seeds and money changed hands as Carl Vanderhoff's wife Penelope came up. Bill Converse saw her first and said: "Hello, gorgeous!" with the lupine expression he assumed in addressing his neighbors' wives.

Penny Vanderhoff simpered at him and said to her husband: "Carl, we really have to go. That sitter said she'd only stay till seven."

Vanderhoff slipped his seeds into his pocket and went along.

"What were you talking with Mr. Oakley about?" said Penny Vanderhoff."Venus?"

"He was telling us about the plants there," said Vanderhoff.

He did not speak of his Venerian seeds because this would have started an argument. Penny would have scolded him for being eccentric, "just like that crazy Sydney Devore. I don't know what you see in that man..."

In moments of fantasy, Carl Vanderhoff liked to imagine himself an ancient patriarch, sitting in a tent with a towel over his head, combing his beard and ordering his wives, children and goats around. In practice, he never got anywhere near this envied state, as his wife and children could and often did outshout him in familial arguments.

Although he was willing to coerce his children by force, Penny always stood up for them, having been indoctrinated with the extreme educational progressivism of the followers of Dewey and Watson. And in these days of easy divorce, there was no question of using force on one's wife.

Penny was not as gorgeous as Converse made her out with his leering compliments, being short and rather squarish of build, though still fairly pretty in a round-faced floral way. But that wasn't the point. He longed to be the power in the household and he didn't stand a chance.

NEXT morning at breakfast, Vanderhoff put on his firmest face and said: "I shall plant some new things today. There will be wire guards around them and anyone who steps on one gets the derrière beat off him. Je suis tout à fait sérieux."

There was a condescending chorus of affirmative grunts and vocables filtered through corn flakes.

"And, Dan," continued Vanderhoff, "you left your baseball equipment all over the floor again. Either you clean it up or there'll be no allowance."

After breakfast, Vanderhoff went out to plant his seeds. The neighborhood was waking into its usual Sunday-morning racket. The roar of power mowers was joined by the screech of the power saw in Mr. Hort's basement and the chatter of Mr. Zanziger's electric hedge trimmer. Mr. O'Ryan, hammering something in his garage, furnished the percussion effect.

Carl Vanderhoff walked about, wondering where to plant. If the bushes really bit, it would not do to plant them near the walks; they might grab guests or men delivering things.

He had had a qualm about accepting the seeds for fear they would endanger his children. But since his youngest, Peter, was four and active, he thought he was not running much risk, especially if he put up a guard heavy enough to keep plant and youngster apart.

Besides, if Peter did get nipped, it would teach him to obey orders.

Vanderhoff decided to plant the seeds outside his picture window, in place of a mass of old jonquils that had practically ceased to flower and that he had been thinking of throwing away.

He put on his rubbers, got out shovel and garden cart and went to work. When the jonquils were out of the way, he dug a hole for each of the six seeds, filled it with a mixture of mushroom soil and fertilizer, trod the earth hard, and finished off the surface with a slight bowl-shaped depression to catch the water.

He watered the six places, stuck a flat stake beside each site with a notation, and put cylindrical wire guards over the spots.

THREE weeks after Vanderhoff had planted his seeds, five little yellow shoots appeared. Vanderhoff naturally did not know that the sixth had just germinated when a beetle grub, inching its sluggish way through the soft earth, had come upon it and devoured it.

Vanderhoff diligently watered his plants. The clouds of Venus had turned out to be ordinary clouds of water droplets, not of formaldehyde as had been feared, and the surface of the planet was quite as rainy as fictional speculators had portrayed it.

At the next session at Sydney Devore's house, Vanderhoff asked Devore and Converse how their Venerian plants were coming along. Devore, who not only lived alone but further fractured convention by never speaking about his past or personal affairs, had a habit of throwing small penny-ante poker parties for the men of the neighborhood. Vanderhoff was the most regular guest. As a thinking man, he found Devore's company congenial. Converse was the next most regular, not because he was a thinking man, but to get away from his wife. Very little poker was played, for they found more pleasure in drinking and talking.

Converse answered: "Only one of my three seeds sprouted, but the thing's a foot high already. Take a look next time you go by my place, Professor." Converse always called Vanderhoff "Professor" with a kind of annoying tolerance, as if being a professor were a disgrace or at least an embarrassing state to admit and he was big enough to disregard it.

"How about yours, Syd?" asked Vanderhoff.

"They all came up, but I can't tell what they'll look like. I planted them down both sides of my front walk."

"You mean those little pink things we passed on the way in?"

"Yes. I moved the cactus to make room for them."

THE azaleas went. The iris came and went. The peonies bloomed briefly and the tiger lilies for a longer time. Vanderhoff's bulldog bushes grew with extraterrestrial speed until, one Saturday, Penny said: "Carl, what on Earth are those things? They look like a Venus' fly-trap, but they're such a funny color and so big."

"Those are the plants I bought from Oakley."

"Who? Oh, you mean Mrs, Hort's brother, who went to Venus. Are those Venus plants, then?"

"That's what he said. Tell the children not to poke their fingers at them or they'll get bitten."

"Why, Carl, I won't have such dangerous plants on the place!"

"We're going to have these. Nobody'll get hurt if he does as he's told. I'm going to put heavier guards around the plants and if they get out of hand, I'll cut them down."

"What's that?" said Penny, turning her head. There was a sound like songbirds."It's funny, but it always sounds as if a lot of birds were singing at Devore's place, even when you can't see any."

"That must be his Venerian plants," said Vanderhoff.

"Well, I should think you could at least have taken the singing plants and given him the biting ones. It would have been more appropriate, if you must have these weird things. Why don't you do like other people, instead of always trying to be smart and different?"

"If you start that again, I'll grow a beard and wear a beret. Then you'll really have something to complain of."

Penny went off in a huff, leaving Vanderhoff to work on his plants. He had long tried, with some success, to impress his family with the belief that, though a mild man in most respects, he was inflexible about his plants and terri. le in his wrath if one was hurt.

When he had finished gardening, Vanderhoff walked down the street to Devore's house, from which the birdsongs issued. He found Devore squatting before one of the little pink bushes that had grown from his Venerian seeds. At the apex of each shrub grew a brown, convoluted structure something like a flower; beneath it, the stem swelled out into a bladderlike bag.

As he looked more closely, Vanderhoff saw that these structures were making the birdsongs.

The bladders swelled and shrank while the "flowers" on top quivered and contracted.

"WHAT are you doing, Syd?" asked Vanderhoff.

"Teaching these to say 'good morning. '"

"They can be taught?"

"Within limits. They're imitative, which is why they've been copying the local birds."

"How do you train them?"

Devore held up a can of X-53-D, the latest super-fertilizer."They love this and I give 'em a spoonful when they say something right. An article in the Botanical Gazette says they use these songs the way our flowers use color and perfumes, to attract Venerian flying things for pollenization." Devore addressed the plant."Good-morning, Mr. Devore."

"G'morning, Mis' Dwore."

"Good plant!" said Devore. He sprinkled a spoonful of X-53-D around the base of the bush and wetted it down with his watering can."Reward of merit."

"I suppose you'd call that speaking with a Venerian accent," said Vanderhoff."I must make a phonetic transcription of it some time. How do they know you from anybody else?"

Devore shrugged."Sound or smell, I suppose. They don't have any eyes, of course. Are your bushes doing any biting yet?"

"They try to. Each pair of jaws has a sort of antenna sticking up above it, like a radar antenna. That seems to be how they sight on their prey."

"Can they draw blood?"

"I don't know. One got my finger the other day; quite a pinch, but it didn't break the skin."

"What do you feed them?" asked Devore.

"They seem to like tuna-fish best. Steak and ham they find indigestible."

"Hi, Professor!" came the loud voice of Bill Converse."Hello, Syd. How's your crab-grass this morning?"

"It's beginning to show up as usual," said Devore."How's your bouncing betty?" For Converse, despite his noise about his expert gardening, had never eradicated all the soapwort or bouncing betty with which his flowerbeds had been overrun when he bought his house.

"You needn't kid me," said Converse."After all, bouncing betty does have a flower."

"Yeah," said Devore."That miserable weed. You're just lazy." He lowered his voice."How's the tree of Eden doing?"

Converse rolled his eyes."It's as tall as I am. C'mon over and look at it."

THE tree of Eden, over six feet high, was a plant of curious shape. A stubby trunk, about three feet tall and four or five inches thick, ended abruptly in an organ that hung down in front of the trunk and, spraying up and out behind it, a fan of slender stems of finger-thickness, each bearing a double row of small orange leaves.

Vanderhoff had a fleeting impression of a sort of vegetable peacock with its tail spread. The organ in front had a pitcher-shape, rather like that of a terrestrial pitcher-plant, only larger, complete with lid. This vessel was now as big as a bucket. The lid was grown fast to the top of the vessel so it could not be raised.

"The funniest thing," said Converse in the same low voice, "is not only how fast it grows, but that it has such hard wood. Normally you expect anything that grows that fast to be soft and porous."

He bent down one of the stems for the others to feel. It did seem to be made of strong hard wood.

Vanderhoff said: "Maybe these little berries are going to be that wonderful fruit Oakley told us about."

"Uh-huh," said Converse."At this rate, they ought to be ready to eat by September."

Devore said: "Let me suggest that you fence the tree off, or the kids will have eaten all the fruits before we old dodderers get a chance at them."

"Good idea, pal," agreed Converse."Tell you what—when they're ripe, I'll throw a neighborhood party and we'll all eat them."

WILLIAM Converse did fence off his tree, which continued to grow like Jack's beanstalk. The neighborhood's beds of phlox came out in crimson and white. Vanderhoff's bulldog bushes grew larger and more voracious. Penny Vanderhoff got a gashed finger feeding one and had a row with her husband about getting rid of them.

Curiously, neither the bulldog bushes nor the tree of Eden aroused comment. Vanderhoff's picture window was at right angles to the street, and the bushes, planted beneath this window, could not be seen from the street. Vanderhoff had threatened his children with dire penalties if they told outsiders about his marvelous plants, and apparently they had obeyed him.

The tree of Eden was in plain sight, but, while its strange shape caused many to ask Converse about it, they accepted his casual word that "Oh, that's just a South African stein plant."

Sydney Devore's, however, could not be overlooked. First his singing shrubs twittered in imitation of the birds they heard. One, in fact, took to hooting like a screech owl, except that the plant hooted all day instead of at night like a well-regulated owl.

Then Devore taught them to greet him with "Good morning, Mr. Devore" as he came down his walk. When his neighbors asked him what was happening, he made jocular or enigmatic remarks, such as asserting that he had wired the plants for sound. But the plants' behavior was so egregious that the explanations were not believed. As the plants grew, their tonal range and intelligibility increased.

Devore taught them a more elaborate repertory. He hopped up the morning greeting from a mere "Good morning, Mr. Devore!" to such phrases as "All hail, Your Imperial Highness!"

WHEN their greetings were as magniloquent as the most egotistical paranoid could desire, Devore started teaching the bushes to sing Clementine. He had trouble getting them to sing in unison, but he persevered. Evening after evening, the neighborhood gathered to see Devore striding up and down his walk, tapping a little Indian drum and exhorting his plants.

"Just wait," said Penny Vanderhoff to her husband."Any day now, a swarm of F. B. I, men and newspaper reporters will come down on us. They'll take you three to jail and the reporters will write stories that'll cost you your job."

But that was the summer so much happened—the near-war between India and China over Nepal, the death of President Tringstad in an airplane crash, and the return of the Bergerac from Mars—that the newspapers had their attention elsewhere.

At any rate, the mums and gladioli were out and nothing had yet befallen when Bill Converse, after tasting a fruit of his tree of Eden, pronounced it ripe and invited the neighborhood to a Saturday evening party to eat the whole crop.

This was the weekend after Labor Day. On this weekend, the International Council of Language Teachers' Associations met in New York City. Carl Vanderhoff went to New York as a delegate, intending to return Sunday evening.

It also happened that Bill Converse read in Popular Gardening an article about Venerian plants in general and the tree of Eden in particular. Enough of these plants had now been grown by the Northern Regional Research Laboratory of the Department of Agriculture at Peoria, Illinois, to allow some conclusions about them. But Converse, who glanced more and more through his own windows toward the Vanderhoffs' house, said nothing about this even to his gardening friends, Devore and Vanderhoff.

THE day of the Converse party, Penelope Vanderhoff telephoned Mrs. Converse."Mary? I'm so sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon."

"Oh," said Mary Converse, "isn't that too bad?"

"My sitter has stood me up and Carl's away, so I have to stay home," Penny explained.

"Aren't they old enough to be left?"

"Well, Dan is eight and Eleanor six, but if you leave them alone they fight, scream, chase each other, break windows, upset furniture and make a shambles of the place. I can't imagine why—I've always let them do as they pleased, like it says in the book—but that's how it is. So I'll have to pass it up."

When Mary Converse told her husband, he said: "Oh. Too bad. I'll take her some of the fruit."

"It'll be all right if that's all you do over there," said Mary Converse.

"Damn it!" shouted Converse."I don't see why I put up with your groundless suspicions!"

The refreshments at the Converse party consisted of martinis and tree of Eden fruits. The guests picked the fruits directly from the tree, from which Converse had removed the fence. The fruits looked like plums, but proved to be without pits. They gave out a delicious, enticing smell that had the guests drooling by the time they received their portions. The taste caused gasps, cries, closed eyes.

The tree now towered twelve feet tall, while the pitcherlike organ in front was as large as a laundry hamper. The lid of the organ had come loose from the rest, except for a hingelike connection in the back. The edges of the lid curled up a little, so one could look down into the empty body of the pitcher.

The spray of slender stems bore hundreds of fruits. Any lesser number would have been quickly consumed. The guests hardly bothered with their cocktails in their rush to gorge themselves on Venerian fruits. When the lower branches of the fan had been stripped, Bill Converse, his face red from martinis, lugged a stepladder from his garage and climbed it to hand down more fruit.

Converse did not eat any himself. When a lull in the demand allowed him, he took a small paper bag from his pocket, unfolded it and dropped a dozen of the fruits into it. Then he quietly came down from the ladder and walked away from the party toward the Vanderhoff house.

There he rang the doorbell. Penelope came. Converse said: "Here's some fruit, Penny."

"Oh, thank you," she said."Won't you come in?"

"Sure. Maybe you'd like to put those on a plate and eat 'em now."

Penelope got out a plate, dumped the fruits out on it and ate one."My, these are delicious. I've never tasted anything like them. Won't you have one?"

'Thanks," said Converse, "but I've had all I can hold."

BACK at the Converse party, guests, stuffed with fruit, were sitting and standing about lethargically, wiping the juice of the fruits off their hands and sipping martinis. The only fruit yet uneaten were a few on the highest parts of the tree, which could not be reached by the stepladder.

Two men walked slowly up the walk, peering about. One was lean and hatchet-faced; the other short and stout with thick-lensed glasses. While all the male guests were in sport-shirts, the newcomers wore coats.

The shorter one said: "There's the house and that's one of the plants."

The two drifted quietly up to the crowd around the tree of Eden and the taller asked Mr. Zanziger: "Excuse me, but which is Mr. Converse?"

Zanziger answered: "Bill isn't here just now. He went over to the Vanderhoff house."

"Are Mr. Vanderhoff or Mr. Devore here?"

"Mr. Vanderhoff isn't, but I think Mr. Devore—yeah, that's him." Zanziger pointed to the square-jawed, gray-haired figure with the pipe.

Mary Converse said: "I'm Mrs. Converse. What can I do for you?"

The hatchet-faced man said: "I have here a warrant for your husband's arrest. Also for Mr. Vanderhoff and Mr. Devore. Here are my credentials." The man produced the badge of a United States deputy marshal, and added: "My name is Jacobson, and this is H. Breckenridge Bing of the Department of Agriculture. Where—"

Devore stepped up."Did somebody say I was wanted?"

"I'm sorry to say you are," said Jacobson, producing more papers from his inside coat pocket."Here's the warrant for your arrest on the charge of buying articles whose importation is forbidden by the Plant Import Control Act of 1963, as amended 1989. Now if—"

"Why, I don't know what you're talking about," said Devore with an exaggerated expression of innocent astonishment.

"Ahem," said the short stout man."He means that Amphorius tentatius—" Bing indicated the tree of Eden—"as well as several specimens of Faucifrons mordax and Cantodumus mimicus. Our investigations show—"

Devore broke in."Are you the H. Breckenridge Bing who wrote in the Botanical Gazette on the reclassification of the Pteridophyta in the light of recent paleobotanical evidence?"

"Why—uh—yes."

Devore shook the man's hand."That was a swell piece, but I never thought I'd be arrested by the author."

"Well—er—I assure you I would have preferred not to be a party to your arrest, but they sent me along to identify the contraband plants."

JACOBSON said: "If you'll show me where Mr. Converse and Mr. Vanderhoff are, I'll run you down to the Federal Building in my car and you'll be out on bail in a few minutes."

"What will they do to Mr. Converse and the others?" asked Mary Converse.

"Probably just a fine," said Jacobson.

"Oh," said Mary Converse in a disappointed tone.

The deputy marshal continued: "It depends partly on whether they're cooperative witnesses in the prosecution of Grant Oakley, who sold them the seeds. He's the one who we'll really throw the book at. He's under arrest now."

"My brother in jail!" cried Mrs. Hort, but nobody heeded her.

Devore asked: "I suppose the Department of Agriculture will send a truck around to gather up our Venerian plants?"

Bing's eyes blinked behind their spectacles."That's right. It's bad enough to bring in an exotic plant from some place on Earth when its properties aren't fully known, and a hundred times more risky to bring in one from another planet. You never know what might happen. It—uh—might spread all over, like the prickly-pear cactus in Australia. Or it might have a disease that would get loose and wipe out the wheat crop."

"Urn," said Devore."I hadn't thought of that."

"Come on, Breck," said Jacob-son."Show me the Vanderhoff house."

A guest named Dietz, who had had several martinis too many, muttered: "Don't worry, you beautiful plant, we won't let these guys take you away from us."

H. Breckenridge Bing continued: "Now this Amphorius, for instance, has a strange property. I suppose you know that the biochemistry of the higher Venerian organisms turned out to be almost the same as that of terrestrial vertebrates?"

Devore nodded vigorously; the other hearers in more tentative fashion.

"Well, you remember that in the 1970s, Petchnikov isolated gratisone, the gratitude hormone, which is secreted by the pineal gland. It occurs in such minute amounts that it had been overlooked, but it controls animal behavior somewhat as prolactin stimulates mother-love. It's one of the things that makes community and family life possible. Now the fruit of Amphorius contains significant amounts of gratisone, or a substance almost identical with it. The result is that anybody who eats an Amphorius fruit is soon seized by an irresistible desire to please the thing or person from whom the fruit was received. If you eat it off the tree, you want to please the tree."

"HEY, Breck!" said Jacobson, tugging at Bing's sleeve. H. Breckenridge Bing was no man to relinquish an audience for anything less than a convulsion of nature. He continued: "Now Amphorius is a carnivorous plant, like Faucifrons, but instead of snatching its prey, it persuades the prey to feed itself to the plant. Small vertebrates who eat the fruit climb into the amphora—" Bing indicated the steinlike structure—"and are digested. The highest form of Venerian life, the yellow gibbon-like Sauropithecus xanthoderma, is too intelligent to thrust itself into the amphora. Instead, the tribe seizes the weakest member as a sacrifice to the plant and thrusts him into the vessel.

"If, on the other hand, you receive the fruit from another person, you—"

"My gosh!" cried Mary Converse."That no-good husband of mine took a bag of the things over to Penny Vanderhoff! Three guesses what he's up to!"

Dietz, the drunken guest, said: "And that's what we ought to do to Mr. Bing and Mr. Jacobson here. Nothing's too good for our tree, not even a Federal dick."

Bing gave a forced smile."I don't think human beings would go to the extremes of the Venerian lizard-monkey—"

"Oh, wouldn't we?" said another guest."Tear up our plant and take it away, will you?"

"Now look here—" said Jacob-son.

"Into the jug with them!" yelled a guest, and the cry was taken up. The circle began to close in on the Federal men, who backed hastily toward the street.

Deputy Marshal Jacobson drew a pistol from under his armpit, saying: "You're all under ar—"

Standing on his right was young John S. Mosely, expected to be Penn's star halfback during the coming football season. Moseley let fly a kick that sent the pistol thirty feet into the air, to fall among Converse's pachysandra.

The guests closed in, clutching.

There was a crash of glass from the Vanderhoff house, but nobody heard it.

CARL Vanderhoff returned home Saturday evening instead of Sunday as he had planned. He delivered his paper Saturday morning; he saw everybody he really wanted to see by the end of Saturday's lunch; he discovered that the meetings and papers scheduled for Sunday were of little interest; finally, Professor Junius White of the University of Virginia offered him a lift home if he would leave Saturday afternoon.

The thought of saving both train fare and a night's hotel bill, and of getting home in time for the tail-end of the Converse party, decided Vanderhoff to leave early.

He walked the half-block from where he was dropped by White, who had declined an invitation to stop in. He marched up to his front door, entered and dropped the briefcase containing his notes, pajamas and other equipment for the Conference. He almost tripped over young Daniel's lightweight baseball bat, clucked with annoyance, leaned the bat against the corner, and made a mental note to fine Daniel.

Then he filled his lungs to shout: "Hello, family!" but closed his mouth and let his breath out as muffled sounds of human activity came from the living room.

Frowning, Vanderhoff took three steps to the threshold. On the sofa, his wife sat in hot, amorous embrace with his neighbor Converse.

Converse looked up at the slight sound of Vanderhoff's entrance. Vanderhoff stared blankly. Then the habits of a lifetime started to curl his lips into a cordial smile of greeting, while at the same time a rising fury distorted this automatic smile into something else—an expression at which Converse looked with visible horror.

Vanderhoff took a step forward. Converse, though he outweighed the professor of French Literature by twenty pounds, tore himself loose from Penelope, looked furtively around, and crashed through the window.

There was a scrambling in the shrubbery outside. At the same instant, from the other direction came the cries and footfalls of a crowd pursuing something along the street, but Vanderhoff's attention was drawn by a loud cry from beyond the window, followed by the yell: "Ow! Help! It's got me!"

Vanderhoff hurried to the window.

Converse had fallen among the bulldog bushes, which had instantly seized him. Two of the jaws had grips on each of his legs, or at least on the trousers that clothed them, while a fifth held a fold of his sport-shirt.

Converse, on hands and knees, had crawled as far out of the clump as he could and was trying to get farther, while the other jaws of the bushes lunged and snapped at him like the heads of snakes.

He had knocked over a couple of the wire guards that Vanderhoff had set up in front of the bushes. His right hand had blood on it, apparently from a cut sustained when he broke the window. Fragments of glass, reflecting the golden sunset, gleamed on the frantically trampled ground among the bushes.

VANDERHOFF stood with pursed lips, contemplating various kinds of assault. If he merely used his fists, Converse would grab him and probably give him a worse beating than he inflicted. Then he remembered Dan's bat. He strode into the hall, picked up the bat, went out the back door, and came around to where Converse sprawled in the grip of the bushes.

"Hey!" cried Converse."Don't do that, Carl! Let’s be civilized about this! I didn't mean any harm! I was just—"

The sound of a blunt instrument on a human skull ended his explanation. Converse yelped and moaned, but could not crawl back among the bushes lest worse befall him.

As Vanderhoff stepped back, sounds from the street attracted his attention. He hurried around the corner of his house and saw a strange procession winding toward the Converse home.

First came Sydney Devore, beating his Indian drum. Then came four neighbors, each holding one limb of a short, fat man who struggled. Then came the other neighbors, male and female, moving in a fashion that resembled one of the more athletic Latin-American dances.

As the line passed Devore's place, his singing shrubs burst into Clementine.

Vanderhoff found these sights and sounds so strange that, foregoing further revenge for the moment, he followed the procession with the bat on his shoulder.

The marchers danced up to the Converse house. One guest raised the lid of the pitcher of the tree of Eden, while the four who held the little man prepared to thrust him in.

Vanderhoff caught up with the head of the procession and asked Devore: "Hey, Sydney, what's going on? Are you all crazy?"

"No-o, we're just going to reward the tree for its lovely fruit."

"You mean they're going to sacrifice this man? Who is he, anyway?"

Devore explained about H. Breckenridge Bing."The other one got away. He could run faster."

"But what'll happen to this one?"

Devore shrugged."He'll be digested, I suppose. Serves him right. It should stimulate the tree no end."

"You're insane," said Vanderhoff, and pushed his way through the crowd to the tree.

The four stalwarts had finally inserted Bing into the amphora, despite his struggles and the tightness of the fit. Muffled cries came from inside. Bing's fingers could be seen curled over the edge of the pitcher as he tried to force his way out, but the plant now held down the lid by its own mechanisms. The amphora remained closed, though it bulged this way and that as Bing kicked and butted.

"GET away!" said Vanderhoff, shoving the Converses' guests aside and grasping the edge of the lid.

"Wait, you can't do that!" Dietz cried, seizing Vanderhoff's arm."Leave our plant alone or we'll feed you to it, too!"

Vanderhoff resignedly hit Dietz over the head with his bat. As Dietz staggered back, holding his head, several other guests rushed at Vanderhoff. He waded in with the bat, cracking arms, heads, and knuckles with such verve that the attackers fell back, leaving the football-playing Moseley unconscious on the lawn.

Vanderhoff then returned to the tree of Eden, keeping an eye cocked for another rush. When heaving on the lid had no effect, he struck the amphora with his bat. This induced a yell of anguish from inside, but did not loosen the plant's hold.

Then Vanderhoff got out his pocket-knife and attacked the hinge of the stein-lid. He drew it across the grain again and again. After he had sawed half an inch into the structure, he found he had weakened the hinge enough so that he could raise the lid.

Bing climbed out. His glasses were gone and his scanty hair was awry. His skin was covered with red spots and his clothes were stained by the tree's digestive juices.

He peered nearsightedly at Vanderhoff."Did you get me out? Thanks. As for the rest of you—"

Mary Converse shook her head and said: "I don't know what could have got into us, Mr. Bing. I'd never do such a dreadful thing."

"Gratisone got into you, that's what," said Bing."Now you see why we can't let just anybody plant extraterrestrial plants."

The others, too, seemed to be coming out of their madness. Mr. Hort said: "You must let us pay to have your suit cleaned."

Dietz said: "We'd better buy him a new suit. The plant's digestive juices will eat that one full of holes."

It was finally agreed that Mr. O'Ryan should act as banker for the neighborhood and assess them whatever was needed to repay the damages sustained by Bing. Just as this agreement was reached, one of the township's patrol cars drew up. Out got Deputy Marshal Jacobson and the two local policemen.

Jacobson growled: "You're all under arrest for forcibly intimidating a United States officer!"

"They couldn't help it, Jake," said Bing."It was the fruit. I'm not going to press any complaints."

"Why not?" demanded Jacobson.

"Well, Mr. Devore said he liked my article. I didn't know anybody had even read it."

CARL Vanderhoff returned home late that evening, after he and Devore had departed in Jacobson's official car and Converse, released from the bulldog bush, in an ambulance.

He told his wife: "They let me sign my own bond. It seems I'm something of a hero for rescuing that little botanist, so I shall be let off easily. And Bill never said a word about me; he just let them think it was the bushes that beat him into a pulp. He'd better! And now what have you to say?"

"I—I don't know how to explain—- I must have gone out of my head—I never loved anybody but you—"

"That's all right," said Vanderhoff, and told her about gratisone."Now that that's over, send those kids in here. Dan is going to be penalized for leaving his bat on the floor, and the whole outfit will be run on orderly lines from now on. No backtalk, either."

"Yes, dear," said Penelope.

"And if I feel like growing a beard tomorrow, I'll grow one." Vanderhoff's picture of himself as an ancient patriarch, sitting in his tent and ordering his wives, children and goats around, might not last. The family would probably wear him back down to his normal mild self.

But he meant to enjoy his authority while he had it.