On the Dangers of Simultaneity, Or, Ungh, Mmmm, Oh-Baby-Yeah, Aaah, Oooh... UH-OH!

I’ve related elsewhere the catastrophe that befell when, one Christmas Eve in the late sixties, the archangel Michael, entrusted with the whole ball o’ wax while God was vacationing, inadvertently allowed Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy to cross paths.

By no means was that the archangel’s only screw-up. Michael was renowned for screw-ups. But his other major gaffe, which the heavenly host oohed and aahed and tut-tutted over for eternities afterward (though God proved kinder), came when he unleashed, by mischance, the Orgasm Fairy upon the world.

Before the ninth of February 1964, no lovers had ever truly had a simultaneous orgasm, which is to say, one in which amorous jet-fuel propels them at precisely the same moment along precisely the same giddy arc of glee. Michael, you see, had been given the crucial task of assuring unaligned orgasms, since God knew what would happen if two human beings ever experienced such a conjunction. So, around the clock, God’s spy into the world’s bedrooms tracked copulators (and those who, either through cross-genital stroking, or through mutual masturbation and the visual stimulation it brings, likewise approached synchronous derailments) to ensure that, if only by a hair’s breadth, the sexual surge came upon them asynchronously.

For centuries, Michael’s sneeze built.

His nostrils tingled as he knocked out of phase the oral bespurtments of Burr and Hamilton weeks before the lovers’ quarrel which history-swallowing Hamilton’s spin with as much zeal as Burr his sperm-ever after passed off as political in nature.

Michael’s right index finger hitched to his upper lip even as its tip flicked toward Toklas and Stein, putting a hair fracture in what would otherwise have been a perfect union. No matter. The pink roses of their twinned mouths and vulvas bloomed with sufficient ooze and pucker that, by any measure, there was plenty of there there.

But the archangel’s sneeze peaked just as the Beatles laid their first chord atop the screams of young girls on The Ed Sullivan Show and, far more germane to this tale, at the exact moment that Hap and Meg Osborne, de-pajama’d in bed-Hap’s pud cuntily beslubbered as it jaunted in and out of his wife-went ballistic. Michael blinked into the sneeze, losing his grip on the groaning pair. In that instant, there came a-borning between them the Orgasm Fairy.

Meg had known her impending climax would be grand. It skittered upward like a megalopolis of skyscrapers rising in time-lapse photography. And when those upswept edifices began jutting and thrusting into the heavens, her detonations pounded out with increasing force. Ka-booml Ka-booml! Oh-my-god-ka-boom!!!

No perverts they, Hap did his sexual pushups as Meg lay quiescent beneath him, and the bedroom lights they kept of course discreetly off. But an eel-like phosphorescence now coated the air between them. It writhed and wriggled to the bestial gruntings in their throats, to the slippery lock of their loins. The form it took was female. Suddenly Meg and her husband were making love to it as much as to one another.

Worse, Meg found it absolutely delightful! “Honey,” she gasped, “what’s—?”

“I don’t (umpfh!) know.” His words strained up an octave, no longer his deep baritone nor the above-glasses quip-voice of his Sunday-morning funnypapers snap, but rather the scranneled woe-ache that piped from Hap’s lips whenever his man-gloop blurted out inside her. “Jeepers, I can’t stop myself from… you know!”

Nor could she.

The ghostly creature between them grew a new face and soul-kissed both of them, her moon-slick tongue setting Meg’s mouth afire with steam and sizzle. Her wanton touch thrilled their bodies in every secret place. Then she vanished, slipping away like sun-glints passing across the hood of a Chevy. But unending orgasm billowed anew even as she vanished, threatening swift terminal overload.

But lo, effulgence unexpected flooded their bedroom with spun gold.

“Be not dismayed,” said a distraught angel, for angel he surely had to be. His eyes flitted from Meg to Hap to the wall their ethereal lover had hurtled through. “Pray excuse the intrusion, pardon the liberties, no time, we’ll talk on the way.”

It was as if the angel embraced them, still coming, and zinged them smack into the bedroom wall. They broke no bones nor did they splat, but arrowed straight through, cradled in the arms of their protector, sweeping past neighborhood homes and out into the night.

Their thighs rocked deliciously. The agony of sensory overload had vanished when the angel enfolded them. In its place, pure pleasure sprang up. “I’m Michael,” he said. “We’ve got to… ah, but there she… damn!”

Moaning with love for Hap, Meg saw atrocity flash by: another bedroom, bright and tacky. Upon the wall, a sequined matador on midnight velvet thrust an estoque into an enraged bull’s back. But what hurt Meg’s eyes was the pair of lovers that reached out of a muddle of melted flesh on the bed. The woman was bone-thin, olive-haired, saucer-eyed, her head atwitch on a stretched stalk. Her lover’s mouth gaped, his shouts dopplering by as he struggled to free himself of their mingled putrescence.

“They’re toast, alas. That’s how you’d have been,” Michael said, blithering on as they brushed treetops and sped through the night. “We’ve got to stop her before she mucks up the entire world.” But what conceivable role, Meg wondered in among a continuing concatenation of body-explosions, could she and Hap play in stopping the Orgasm Fairy? For such was implied in the archangel’s statement. He wasn’t merely keeping them from turning into orgasmic pudding. She sensed, too, even as they hurtled over forests and graveyards and light-scoured highways, that Michael maintained his task of unsynching lovers all over the globe. Though his face was as calm as wisdom itself, his mind appeared to boast more facets than the eyes of a swarm of fruit flies.

Said Hap in mid-hump, “Isn’t that—?”

“It is.” They swooped down into an extremely well-known theme park, eerily quiescent by night. Outlines of idled rides evoked TV memories as they slammed down into a brick walkway and passed along a brightly lit tunnel below.

Meg wasn’t sure if her loss of breath came as part of her unending climax or because of what she saw next. Three huge-headed creatures, cartoonish above the waist, humanly naked below, were engaged in white-gloved prick-and-pussy stroking. At the tunnel’s far end, an insane phosphorescence corkscrewed up into nothingness. Despite her orgasm, Meg giggled. Then she covered her mouth, at once aghast and aroused. Smoke rose from cotton fingers that caressed squirming thighs. Gloves caught fire. Yet Meg’s childhood fantasy friends moaned with pleasure through neck-gauze beneath beak and snout, as below the belt they sizzled and flared.

Again the archangel swept Meg and Hap away, a swift smack upward past hums of fluorescent light, then a zoom into darkness. “We’re gaining on her,” insisted Michael as Hap gasped, “I love you.” It was unclear whether he was addressing Meg, or the archangel, or both. Not that it mattered. It was all love. Every shred of life was love. Such was the message of this unending, unifying, edifying climax.

“We’ll outfox her,” declared Michael as they changed course, trebling their breakneck pace. Meg was blessed with a glimpse inside the archangel’s mind. Like skate-scorings on ice, swift tangents etched along the hunted fairy’s erratic track, sweeping beyond its obscure end into God-granted certainty.

The Pacific coast, California perhaps. A full somber moon silvered upon a sea of crushed grape. Upon a crag, there loomed a mansion. They burst through it into an opulent bedroom even as the creature they pursued did the same from the opposite wall.

On the bed, a zesty platinum blonde, nipples stopper-hard, rode the stickshift of a grimacing young stud, his hair as tossed and golden on the pillow as waves of wheat in sunlight. “Hang on,” said Michael, sweeping her and Hap onto the mattress. Like streamwater sculpting boulders, they slid over the climaxing pair, melding with them, embracing them. The Orgasm Fairy, not yet halted in her mad career, slipped in among them. Meg and Hap kept coming, joining their gasps and groans with the couple on the bed. By God, the warmth and fragrance that rose from them! Meg’s mouth tasted the ramping woman’s left nipple as the man on whom she performed the buck-and-weave caressed Hap’s unstoppable cock where it slipped in and out of Meg.

The archangel issued new directives to the Orgasm Fairy, which she at once obeyed. Meg didn’t understand what he said, but the gist-an order to convert mayhem into benevolence- became one with the love the foursome shared.

It was absurd.

All Meg had learned about love in her thirty-three years told her that one needed time to know someone before sex meant anything at all. Not so now. Orgasm, precisely synched and blessed by an angelic presence, opened them up, brought out the best in them, made plain the divinity they shared, the unequivocal love that spilled out of them and into them. At last, their orgasm peaked for real this time, a tower of Everests high. They started an extremely long slow descent, wheeing and wowing like a quartet that Verdi had never quite managed to compose.

Michael gestured at the Orgasm Fairy, who at once vanished in a flurry of sparkles. Her loss devastated them all. “I’m sorry.” The archangel was touched by their bereavement. “Sorry as well about-” but he didn’t have to conclude the thought, for he had swept her and Hap up in his arms and was already on the move. The young man’s pussy-prod slipped out of Meg’s fist as her mate’s own quim-pleaser de-vulva’d with a pop from the blonde’s mouth, like an all-day sucker eased out to renew the joy of its insertion. Anguish warped the young couple’s faces, an anguish mirrored, Meg knew, by hers and Hap’s.

The archangel sped them backward along their route, soothing, cuddling, assuring them that all would be okay. And Meg felt the sorrow of parting from perfection, even as Hap and Michael embraced and consoled her. Their bedroom bloomed up about them. Aromas of arousal floated in the air, a delight and a torment: her arousal, and Hap’s, and that of the unknown pair.

“Happy trails,” said Michael.

“But how will we find them again?” Even as the words formed on her lips, he gestured above her nightstand where a paper wafted down like a feather, falling between her clock radio and her crook-necked lamp. Names in gold script, a phone number writ large.

“Wait!” cried Meg.

The angel halted in his swirl.

“Please,” she said. “What’s heaven like?”

Michael smiled. Just before he vanished, he uttered a soft single word. Meg couldn’t parse it but it went straight to her heart. “Oh, Hap,” she sighed. “We are blessed indeed.”

“Yes, Meg,” agreed Hap. “We are.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” In her eye, deviltry glowed.

“Youbetcha!”

Together they leaped for the phone, laughing as they fumble-punched its buttons. The phone at the other end, in a California mansion by the sea, rang once before it was picked up.

As for Michael, he was ready to fall abject at the feet of The Lord, particularly since even God’s toejam gives off an irresistible ambrosial scent akin to that of aroused organs. But there was no need to grovel.

The Head Cheese beamed. The Orgasm Fairy’s hands were busy beneath His robes.

God nodded. “Good work, boy. You wasted no time correcting your mistake. Five deaths is too damn bad, I’ll grant you. But hey, it’s a small price to pay for the emergence of this delightful creature. That’s very nice, little one. Your mouth, please.” She complied.

“Besides, Michael, look over yonder.”

Upon a nearby cloud sat the puddled couple, still puddled but blissed out. They were making goo-goo eyes at one another and squirming in the most heavenly of ways. One flesh they had become, united as blissfully as the androgynous creatures Plato had painted in The Symposium,

Next cloud over, the trio of lovers from that extremely well-known theme park were whole again, flames undone, their huge cartoon heads alive and integral to them. The sight pleased him. I wish I could describe them for you. But the aforesaid theme park and the exceedingly famous characters these three had once depicted-which now, in some peculiar way, they had become- are the intellectual (yeah, right, make me laugh!) property of a highly litigious and soulless corporation. Still, I think you can guess who they are by the shapes of their ears, the fuzzy grays, the bright yellows, the telltale hat with its telltale hue and ribbon, the eyelashed eyes. I have unshakable faith in the imaginations of my readers.

“Henceforth,” said God, “I entrust the Orgasm Fairy with the task of ensuring that simultaneous orgasms don’t happen. As she is so very talented, however, she shall be allowed to bring lovers of her choosing extremely close to simultaneity, to join in if she likes, and to give them unforgettable joy. Only the good ones, of course. The nasty, naughty, Godforsaken baddies-by which I mean the bluenoses; the intolerant blithering screwballs on the extremes of an issue; busybody anti-choicers; the so-called Christian right who are misguided miscreants all; soldiers everywhere who allow themselves to be duped by the murderers who appear to be in charge of their lives, but really aren’t; dolts, bullies, short-sheeters, tireslashers, blasted numbnuts tailgaters, and others of that nasty little ilk-shall go straight to hell. Ain’t no way I’ll give those little bastards and bitches any pleasures worth the having.

Michael tried to hide his concern.

“Hey, pardner,” said God, chucking him under the chin without moving from His throne, indeed without so much as uncup-ping His hands from the Orgasm Fairy’s sweet pair of luscious, prick-sproinging boobies. “Cheer up. You done good. But I have other plans for you. I’m considering, maybe in five years’ time, a sort of vacation…”

And as God filled Michael in on what the archangel’s duties would be in his absence and the Orgasm Fairy’s head dipped like a feathered cuckoo-bird craning for water, a quartet of TV’d moptops, ’midst twists and shouts as hearty as sex itself, sounded their second chord.

Robert Devereaux is the author of Deadweight, Walking Wounded, and Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups. The last of these, banned in Cincinnati, relates the erotic mishaps of Saint Nicholas, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Out soon is Caliban and Other Stories. Robert’s future novels will silence forever our yammering foes in the culture wars.

“On the Dangers of Simultaneity, Or, Ungh, Mmmm, Oh-Baby-Yeah, Aaah, Oooh… UH-OH!” by Robert Devereaux, © 2000 by Robert Devereaux, first appeared in Embraces: Dark Erotica, edited by Paula Guran (Venus or Vixen Press, 2000). Reprinted by permission of the author.